Worried we Didn’t do Enough Skin on Skin

[MintGreenLife]

I know in the grand scheme of things it probably doesn’t matter. But I can’t help but worry about this…

I had a difficult delivery with two hours of pushing followed by forceps, which was brutal on DS and he was left with a cut to his forehead (which scarred), bruising and a swollen eye. He was delivered to my chest, but quickly taken away for checks. I was then offered to have him back while I was having my stitches done, but I was shaking uncontrollably and too scared I would hurt him if I flinched suddenly during the stitches. The rest I can’t remember.

Following this he needed light therapy treatment for jaundice and was under the light less than 12 hours after I had him. He rebounded 3 times and had to keep having the treatment until he was 9 days old. I breastfed and am still breastfeeding, so we had lots of close contact, but I honestly can’t recall if I did any skin on skin with him at all.

While I was pregnant the midwives drilled it into me how important it was. I know it’s ridiculous as he’s 6 months old now and doing well, but I keep dwelling on the fact we hardly had any skin on skin and why I didn’t make more effort to make sure we did 😢

Also I don’t think DH had any skin on skin either. He wasn’t there during my labour and was only allowed to come in for an hour after DS was born, before he had to leave again, so all in all, very little skin on skin!

You are right - in the grand scheme of things, at this point, with breastfeeding established, I don't think it matters.

Remember, every time he is feeding, he has his face on your breast and this is skin to skin contact.

Also you can still do skin to skin now if you think you need it.

Have you ever looked at a 5 year old and thought "Gosh that child clearly didn't have skin to skin!" Or a 15 year old? 30 year old?

Of course not. Your baby is doing well, there's no need to focus on this. Maybe speak to a health visitor if these sort of worries effect you daily?

I didn't do any skin to skin with either of mine (EMCS both times - first time I was in recovery for over an hour before I even got to touch him as I had a reaction to the anaesthetic) beyond breastfeeding and bathing.

Both of my kids are as attached to me as you like at 8 and 11 - honestly, it's a nice to have, not a required.

Why don't you start doing skin to skin now? It's never too late. Sorry to hear you had a difficult time of things.

They suggested DP did skin to skin with DS1. DS1 wasn't at all interested in his hairy chest....

I think you're probably giving yourself a hard time on something that was largely out of your control. He's happy and doing well and it sounds like you have some things unresolved from the experience. It might be worth talking to someone.

Remember parenting is about trying our best, it will never be perfect. He sounds more than fine. You sound like you are at the point of needing to just go over what happened and come to terms with it.

Thanks all. I’m seeing the GP today for a suspected prolapse as a result of my birth, so I think I’m just dwelling on things from when he was born. I requested a debrief appointment after my birth, and 7 months later I still haven’t had it!

@firstimemamma that’s a good idea, if he will stay still long enough to tolerate it 😂 I almost forgot about it in everything that happened, and never made up for it!

He'll be getting lots of closeness from bfing, don't worry. As long as he grows up with lots of cuddles on offer he'll be fine

I didn’t do any, neither of us were very well but we both survived, which was unexpected. Completely normal child.

Have you tried having a nice bath with him? That's quite a nice bonding opportunity. If you do this, it's helpful to have another adult there to pass him to you once you are in, and take him out again once you are ready to get out!

I didn’t do skin to skin with my first DD. Didn’t really know it was a thing. She’s a perfectly well-adjusted 8 year old and very much a mummy’s girl.

DD2 was delivered straight to my chest - I insisted on stripping off in the throws of labour - and I had loads of lovely skin to skin with her. DH had some too and I did more when she hadn’t fed for a while. She is a typical toddler and also a mummy’s girl.

Your baby will be absolutely fine and will not be detrimentally impacted by the lack of skin to skin.

Please please don't worry about this. I say this from a place of experience. I had a emergency section and the trauma of the situation made me shut down a bit. Plus my baby wouldn't latch on despite me trying and I was made to feel like a nuisance for asking for help. We never did establish breastfeeding in the end and I carried that guilt for years.
But you know what, things turned out okay in the end, and for you it may not seem like it but you are having one on one contact with your baby when feeding, cuddling, bathing.
You are showing love and that is the greatest thing.for your baby. It sounds like you went through a very difficult birth and this would understandably make you question things.
My DD is nearly 9 now and the most loving, funniest character, I regret my years of worrying.

Honestly, you are worrying about nothing. As you said, you've had plenty of skin to skin since and is doing well. I didn't even hold my DS until the 2 days after he was born as I'd had an emergency section and was extremely unwell in intensive care barely conscious or able to hold my head up, let alone cradle a newborn. I didn't breast feed either. As a now 3 year old, he prefers me over anyone else. It has made no difference to his development or our bond.

The hospital emphasised skin on skin with dd1 although I explained I was too tired (after long 12 hour labour failed labour induction and emergency c section) to hold her they put her on me anyway the next thing I knew Dh was screaming and a resus team rushed in I had fallen asleep and she had slipped into the crack of my arm and nearly suffocated. Dh and I both had ptsd after that and for a few weeks would wake up in the night with a start thinking she was in our bed and we were squashing her. Was the worst introduction to motherhood ever. So on balance in your case I would be happy you didn’t!

I'm another one who didn't even get to hold my baby for days and he didn't get any skin to skin for weeks.

He's 16 now, always been very happy and securely attached. And despite the odd Kevin the Teenager moments, we are very close and get along like a house on fire. Doing great at school too.

I do think that midwives panic mothers by making it sou d utterly disastrous if you don't do x, y or z with your baby - when it is based on research showing a very, very small benefit in the scheme of things.

DS is 6mo and I’ve only recently started “regretting” things that happened during my labour. This is graphic so fair warning

I bled fairly heavily afterwards and didn’t hold DS for an hour. By which time he’d been cleaned. I was out of it and forgot we also hadn’t attempted to feed until 4 hours post birth. I had wanted a true golden hour, quiet, my mucus covered baby suckling at my breast. As it was there were 5 medical professionals in the room whilst my blood pressure dropped and I vomited. DH held my naked DS as he did his first meconium poo in his arms and down his shirt. Then when all was ok I scrambled to get the dried blood and vomit off myself in the bath whilst DH frantically yelled from the next room “how do I put on a nappy?!”. And I couldn’t wee so ended up with a catheter. I felt very empowered after my birth but it was a bit crappy. We also didn’t do much skin to skin but if your LO is the same age then I imagine you were also in that awful heatwave, no one wants skin to skin in that!

Agree with Roomba - sometimes midwives and health workers focus on the “nice to haves” to the extent that they sound like “must haves”. You sound like a great Mum. Sorry about your rough introduction to motherhood. I had an emcs, lost a lot of blood, and was in ICU for three days whilst DD was in the hospital nursery. I never got milk, so didn’t breastfeed. Dad is 15 now - we have a wonderful bond. She has a great relationship with her dad too - also no skin on skin contact. It’s nice, but far from necessary.

Gosh I had a de-brief 2 hours after my c-section. Both my births were not run of the mill and I didn't have the opportunity for any skin and skin contact until we came home. My 24 year old is having his own baby this year and we haven't struggled in our bonding. My 9 year old was also whipped away and our only struggle with bonding was the fact that he had silent reflux for the first year of his life. He is a very loving, sensitive 9 year old. I think that you have still unresolved issues from your birth expereince that you need to work through and a de-brief and getting the physical damage sorted out will help you with this.

Dont worry re the physical side of it you've breastfed ...my dc taken to scibu after 20mins and the nurses there were so knowledgeable and supportive as it was one of the things I really worried about as stuck in my head in pregnancy....... its an ideal....but the bonding comes from love n care...that lasts not just those hours..

Don't beat yourself up! Sometimes the birth doesn't go to plan. But skin to skin is beneficial at ALL ages. So just do it now 😊
My DS is a summer baby and he would hate skin to skin because it was always boiling and too sticky for him 😅 so we didn't get much skin to skin in. So I did more over the colder months when he was 4-7 months.

Never heard of this when I had mine. They’re fine.

Dont worry re the physical side of it you've breastfed

What about those of us who weren't able to have skin to skin (due to a horrific birth) AND weren't able to breastfeed?

I did not do skin to skin, I didn't want to. DD is perfectly fine and has never shown any ill effects from the lack of it.