Worried we Didn’t do Enough Skin on Skin

[MintGreenLife]

I know in the grand scheme of things it probably doesn’t matter. But I can’t help but worry about this…

I had a difficult delivery with two hours of pushing followed by forceps, which was brutal on DS and he was left with a cut to his forehead (which scarred), bruising and a swollen eye. He was delivered to my chest, but quickly taken away for checks. I was then offered to have him back while I was having my stitches done, but I was shaking uncontrollably and too scared I would hurt him if I flinched suddenly during the stitches. The rest I can’t remember.

Following this he needed light therapy treatment for jaundice and was under the light less than 12 hours after I had him. He rebounded 3 times and had to keep having the treatment until he was 9 days old. I breastfed and am still breastfeeding, so we had lots of close contact, but I honestly can’t recall if I did any skin on skin with him at all.

While I was pregnant the midwives drilled it into me how important it was. I know it’s ridiculous as he’s 6 months old now and doing well, but I keep dwelling on the fact we hardly had any skin on skin and why I didn’t make more effort to make sure we did 😢

OP You're being very hard on yourself. I'm sure there will be many mums on here who have had an awful time with babies spending a long time in NICU/SCBU and haven't had the skin to skin contact they wished they had - and I'm sure many of them will reassure you that all is well. As a fellow mum to a 6 month old let me just congratulate you on establishing BF - what a fantastic effort and you should be so pleased. Secondly, as others have said - do it now. I often BF DS with my top off and with him just in his nappy when we're home, I cover us both with a blanket and go for it. It's been a godsend when he was fussing due to reflux/tummy issues/teething/whatever else was bothering him. These are our lovely moments to cherish forever. Just do it if you want to, you won't regret it 😊 FWIW, I really don't think you've not done enough and it really won't affect your child negatively. I do really think you need to be gentler with yourself and you need to hear someone say to you that you're doing really well and just cuddle your child skin to skin whenever you want to. They don't stay little forever ❤ take care xx

When you have a moody teenager you and they will give zero fucks about skin on skin. Trust me. Enjoy the little ones cuddles now because they dont last x

I wouldn't worry too much about skin on skin. You have years and years of cuddles in bed and on the sofa to look forward to

midwives can focus on the smallest thing and make us think it's such a big thing. Skin to skin is nice, but not essential. It has its benefits but it's not like you can only do it in the hours after birth and then it's gone.

Babies are fine without it. You do skin to skin all the time anyway if breastfeeding and even cuddling!

Not long ago it was practically unheard of, I'm sure plenty of new mums did it anyway just without the name. My mum was a bit when I mentioned skin to skin at the birth when I had dc1 'before it's clean!' was her exact reaction!

@MsTSwift

The hospital emphasised skin on skin with dd1 although I explained I was too tired (after long 12 hour labour failed labour induction and emergency c section) to hold her they put her on me anyway the next thing I knew Dh was screaming and a resus team rushed in I had fallen asleep and she had slipped into the crack of my arm and nearly suffocated. Dh and I both had ptsd after that and for a few weeks would wake up in the night with a start thinking she was in our bed and we were squashing her. Was the worst introduction to motherhood ever. So on balance in your case I would be happy you didn’t!

Your experience is so similar to mine. I had a fit (due to blood loss after a 30 hour labour) when DD was a few hours old, dropped her and woke up screaming "where is my baby?!" To a room of 20 medical professionals. DD was rushed to the NICU for 72 hours, and I was too sick to see much of her (ended up with PNA, PND and PTSD) We never managed to BF either as she had an undiagnosed lip tie (since discovered by a dentist) and my mental health issues. Sometimes a kid needs a healthy parent more than anything else

She is 2 now, and super, super attached. This far down the line, I've let it all go as she is happy, thriving and loving. We can only do our best to bond with them, and it's not always the ways we are told we have to.

DD had bad jaundice so was under blue lights for a few days and I only held her for feeds mostly. It didn't affect anything and at 2yo she is the cuddliest, most affectionate little girl, so we are making up for it It's a nice thing to do but doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

I think you're probably, and very understandably, not recovered from the birth yet, and this is an easier/more graspable thing to latch on to. My oldest is coming up to 15 and back then the only thing I remember being said about skin to skin was to help establish breastfeeding. (I also suspect it became a thing to immediately put the baby on the mother's chest in reaction to a time/place when they were whisked off even if the mother and baby were fine and didn't need any emergency medical attention.) I'm sure it also helps them adjust to the world and to recognise your smell, but you have already done so many other things that have now superseded the "usefulness" of skin to skin.

to you. You have absolutely no need to worry, he has not missed out.

I had the same experience as you with my first, so no skin to skin. And with my second (home birth) it was too chilly so we both had clothes on. I couldn’t really be bothered to take my clothes off. And it was December so I just never got round to it. But my midwife said I breast fed so they had their face on me. Skin to skin is mostly about getting people to spend time holding their child, and they’ll get the
Mircrobiome stuff from breast feeding. So you’ve done it!!!!

Ahh op 💐 my baby is also 6months and I can relate to some of this. In fact I posted a kind of similar thing a few months ago. I didn't really want to hold my baby after she was born. I think I was a bit shocked and felt like I needed to sort myself out first. I didn't have the experience like you with my baby needing extra care after she was born but I do remember spending the first week mostly wanting to put her down so I could sleep. And I still have moments where I dwell about all of that now and feel a bit annoyed with myself that I was fortunate enough to have a healthy baby and missed out on that time just cuddling etc (which is probably why we still contact nap and partly co-sleep sometimes 😂🤦🏼‍♀️). I've learnt to be kinder to myself about it and hopefully you will too. The fact you're worrying about this shows you have a strong bond with your little one now and that's the most important thing 💐

I think the main reason for skin to skin is to help establish breastfeeding, so that obviously hasn't been an issue, and to help regulate baby's body temperature which is no longer relevant.

@PurBal yep, in the heatwave. It was at least 30 degrees in the hospital for the entire 9 days we were in, and I was in a room that seemed to have the sun on it all day. I was sweating all over DS while BF, maybe this is some extreme version of skin on skin?! I too was being sick for around 24 hours after my birth, still not sure why tbh!

Thanks so much everyone for your replies. I’ve realised my post was perhaps a little insensitive to those who had worse experiences and were completely unable to do any skin to skin.

I saw the GP today and confirmed I have two prolapses, but luckily minor. Facing this brought up a lot of feelings about my birth again. I’ve chased up about my debrief too. I think I would gain a lot of closure from being able to ask why things went the way they did. I’ve chased about my debrief multiple times and have been told it’s just been overlooked more than once. To be honest I think had I had this early on it would have been so valuable to me, and would have saved me sitting awake at night going over things again and again in my head at least a few times! I feel much better now than I did a few months ago, but really hope I do finally get my debrief!

One thing about debriefs: it's best to wait for the dust to settle a bit before they happen. Even in pre-COVID times, I didn't have mine until 7 months or so after the birth. Some space between the events is very helpful

Also: don't try to invalidate your feelings because you feel your circumstances are less difficult/better/less difficult. They're just different, and your feelings are valid. We all react to things in different ways 🤷

I had about 39 seconds skin to skin with DD when she was born
Then the MW passed her to DH to hold while they stitched me, DH was wearing a long sleeve tshirt…
I had a bad recovery so no new born skin to skin
She’s 11 now, and still likes to cuddle on top of me… she’s the same height as me
Even when she gets on angry pre-teen mood she will grunt, roll her eyes and sit on top of me for cuddles… while grunting and being annoyed with me…
I did cuddled her a lot as a baby and as a toddler - believe me we have bonded
Yes skin to skin maybe important… but not the end of it
Just enjoy the baby cuddles and get ready for the toddler sloppy kisses…

With DD I did SOOOO much skin to skin, literally every moment she wasn't either sleeping or eating, I feel like we were having skin to skin for the first month!
With DS, much like you, I had a more difficult labour and then having DD to look after as well he had virtually none. Honestly I don't feel that I have any less of a bond with DS than I do with DD. He's physically more advanced than DD was at his age so I don't feel that it has had an negative effect on him at all!
Don't beat yourself up about it!

Dc1 was a crash section Nicu baby and then I ended up with postpartum psychosis not understanding why people wanted me to hold a doll, so I didn't.
Dc2 was on my chest within minutes of birth and then screamed for the first eight months if I tried to put her down.

At 6 and 3 I can see no difference between their attachment to me. Both want cuddles and to snuggle up. Both want me when hurt/upset.

I went through a similar stage after I recovered from dc1's birth. I think it's an understandable reaction to both the birth you had and how skin to skin is pushed by the NHS.