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Parenting

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Original poster

Bordering on obsessional now. I need to see someone about this, don't I?

26 replies

evenhope · 28/12/2007 14:54

DD2 was born after 2 missed mc when I was 43 yo. I always wanted DDs and after DD1 (now 21) I had 3 x DSs. (now 20 to 16). I have a history of depression. That's the background.

When DD2 was first born I constantly checked her to make sure she was breathing, just like I did with the other 4. However she is 9 months old and I'm still doing it. I can't sleep even when she does because I wake up to make sure she is still alive. In the car when she isn't screaming I have to check her.

I went to midnight mass with my mum and DD1 this year, leaving DD2 (awake) with DH and the DSs. I spent the first half of the service tormenting myself with visions of her falling down the stairs/ choking/ suffocating. Of course she was fine when I got back.

This isn't normal, is it? Can anyone else relate to this? Do I need to see someone?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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NAB3wishesfor2008 · 28/12/2007 14:57

I can relate to it but I was worse. I was too scared to go in their rooms in case they had died and then I would start thinking what would happen next if they were dead.

I stopped worrying about cot death at 2 but still have to check the kids last thing at night.

I would do what you need to do to manage and not try and force the issue.

christmosschops30 · 28/12/2007 14:57

I have no experience of this but I would definsately say its not normal behaviour. Can you talk to your GP or HV and maybe get some counselling to help understand why youre feeling like this.

I'm sure someone with experience or knowledge will be around

stockingfiller · 28/12/2007 14:58

sorry i cant relate to this bumping for you

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cadeLaideInAManger · 28/12/2007 15:01

It does sound a bit obsessive-compulsive to me, especially the checking in the car bit. I'm no expert though, and I have no experience, and of course we all do it to varying degrees.
Someone'll be along soon, good luck!

needmorecoffee · 28/12/2007 15:31

Sounds like you are developing an OCD/anxiety type disorder, probably related to PND.
I did do this with number 4 and still check her breathing (she's 3) cos the paed said that toddlers with cerebral palsy often die in their sleep! So she sleeps next to me and I check her often. Maybe someone made an offhand comment once?

MrsWeasleysmagicmincepies · 28/12/2007 15:35

I still check mine everynight. When I go to bed I check they are tucked in then I check they are breathing! I dont leave the room until I see their chests rising etc.

mine are ages 7 to 12 years

KITTYmaspudding · 28/12/2007 15:36

Evenhope. sorry you are feeling so anxious
I do think you would benefit from talking to the dr about this. Perhaps some sort of ad's could be prescribed. I haven't had experience of this, BUT I know what it's like to be anxious and it's usually linked to periods of depression in my life. {{{hugs}}} to you.

Rosyrednosily · 28/12/2007 15:50

I still check the baby is breathing especially if he is having a longer sleep. I haven't had any mc and if I had I bet I would be just as anxious as you are.

No point worrying so much though, it is a waste of precious energy, but I don't know how you can lower your anxiety and a mention to the doctor might be the thing.
Thyroid imbalance is another cause of anxiety I think....

OhGiveUsAPruniPudding · 28/12/2007 16:05

evenhope I can relate to it a bit.
I sometimes have intrusive thoughts of horrific things happening to my ds, but I am able to push them away and I know these things are unlikely - as it sounds like you do too.
It's the sort of thing that I believe CBT is really good at helping with - would you consider that?

kindersurprise · 28/12/2007 16:08

I sometimes have horrible thoughts and fears about things that could happen to my DCs, I do not think that is so unusual.

If your fear is restricting your life and making you unhappy, then yes, I do think that you should see a counsceller to talk through your anxienty with.

moljam · 28/12/2007 16:09

i still check mine before going to bed,there 7,6 and 2.if i cant hear or see them breathing i stroke near there mouths and they pucker up there lips!and if ds2 sleeps all night my first thought isnt wow i slept well its omg whats wrong.but i do think in your case it might be worth discussing it with your hv or gp.how old is your dd?also remind yourself how well(im assuming here,i dont know you!)your other 4 children have turned out.

brusselbeansprouts · 28/12/2007 16:13

I think this sounds like a very natural instinct which is going beyond its use and actually now causing you problems. In a way, it doesn't matter where the line is, the fact is that you are uncomfortable with the situation and would like to feel less anxious.

I would speak to your GP or HV and see if they can suggest something. Best of luck.

Original poster

evenhope · 28/12/2007 16:16

I had some counselling while I was pg, and a longer course 5 years ago. They said I could self refer back to the Mental Health Team. Looks like it might be a good idea to do so

OP posts:

moljam · 28/12/2007 16:23

if the offer is there i think it would be wise to use it,even if it just helps to see whether its 'normal' behaviour or not.good luck.

Pheebe · 28/12/2007 16:53

Goodness me, what a wealth of potential diagnoses you've been given on this thread . Unlike everyone else I think what you describe is normal but exagerated...normal in that every mum worries about their kids, exagerated in that you're not coping with it at the moment. I've had 7 mcs and an ectopic and now have 2 DSs who I constantly worry about. We've used an angel monitor for both although have no reason to think either were/are at risk. I have some previous medical experience which has allowed me to rationalise and cope with my anxieties without risking passing them on the bubs (particularly with respect to feeding/choking). As others have said I think you'd benefit from speaking to your GP and perhaps some counselling. Don't be too quick to allow yourself to be labelled, anxiety is a normal part of life (its what protects us and our dcs from harm, which is after all our job as their mums), its how we deal/cope with it.

KITTYmaspudding · 28/12/2007 17:07

What was the counselling for if you don't mind me asking?

Original poster

evenhope · 28/12/2007 17:12

previous counselling was because I was just angry all the time.

OP posts:

KITTYmaspudding · 28/12/2007 17:26

Did you find out the cause?

Original poster

evenhope · 28/12/2007 19:32

Not really... mainly due to the way I was brought up

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mrsgboring · 28/12/2007 19:33

Agree with Pheebe. It's normal but exaggerated in your case, and causing you distress. My DD was stillborn and so I was/am quite anxious with my DS who came afterwards (he's now 2.2). I had counselling then, and didn't really find it helpful, but if you like your counsellor and think it might help, it might be a good idea to go back and talk it over with them. However, I just did self-help measures and it was enough for me.

What I did to cope with the anxiety was that I allowed myself to do all the checks I wanted to do (driving, in bed etc.) but tried to actively calm myself down and basically didn't allow myself to feel anxious. If I felt the tide of anxiety rising, I would check straight away, but I didn't allow myself to let the anxiety get hold.

Some people I know in similar situations bought the breathing monitors and swore by them, but I knew it would make me worse so I didn't do that.

TheOriginalXENA · 28/12/2007 19:41

My BestF is a doctor, she gave me some very good advice a few years back. I 'suffer' with the same things you are discribing although mine started with a near death experience with DD1. She said excercise daily (only needs to be short walk) avoid excessive caffeine and alcohol. Its not new advice, my grandmother used to prescribe a 'brisk walk to banish the blues'... I hope you feel better soon. p.s. I actually thought it was depression in my case, as the best way I could describe it was a cloud hovering over me. But as BF's advice worked I guess it was anxiety.

jajas · 28/12/2007 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cocobear · 28/12/2007 22:01

I don't know if your worrying is normal, but I do much the same.

mumofk · 30/12/2007 09:36

just to add to all the great advice here, I found I got increasingly anxious about everything a few months after having DD- my big thing was something happening to DH when he went out without us.Seemed irrational (i.e. when not in that situation didn't panic only when he went out the door) to me, but went for hypnotherapy before going to drs (my gp is more drugs than counselling). I found hypnotherapy really useful and calmed me down. I did have a specific anxiety, but overall i felt much calmer, and the advice and explanations my hypnotherapist also helped me deal with my issues. Therefore i'd highly recommend it as something that might help with your situation- well loads of situations, TBH. Going to try hypnobirthing next!
Good luck at finding something that will help your quality of life,
hugs
mumofk

EzrasMummy · 30/12/2007 15:06

My son was born at 25 weeks and i check him to see if hes breathing whenever i pass his bedroom, and before i go to sleep and when i get up in the night. My daughter was born full term and i check her all the time! My Mum did the same thing with me and my sis and bro. I just think its natural

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