No breaks EVER

[Choosingtochange]

I’m not sure what I want to hear other than other people in my situation that don’t get a break and feel hard done by. I totally get it if you are a single parent as I was one for 10 years. I’m now in a situation where I have no family support whatsoever. One Grandparent is an alcoholic and the other is over 70 and struggling. I get so jealous of people with involved grandparents who can have weekends away and nights off. I know it’s no one else’s responsibility but wow I’d love just one night.

My family live/lived (my parents are dead) abroad, my in laws were not really interested. My husband passed away when our kids were 4 and 6. So no time off, and I found out, to my dismay, that I'm not a natural mum. I found the baby stage boring and I really can only deal with four hours stretches before I need to go off on my own for an hour (I didn't get married or have kids til after 40, so have spent the majority of my life on my own).
But I decided to have kids, they aren't so dependent for that long, and I just did it. I didn't really feel hard done by, sure I saw kids with their grandparents and wished mine could have that relationship (I didn't really expect my parents to ever look after my kids) but they had kids late, I had kids late, and they lived far away.
Can you get a babysitter occasionally?

I hear you, I have 4 kids and my mum never has them, she will have one very occasionally but even that’s rare, but she will never have all of them (totally understand 4 is a lot) but I do feel jealous of people whose kids spend loads of time at their grandparents, she will have one of mine then ask if I’m enjoying my break 🤦🏻 It’s not exactly a break with 3 other kids. I get why she wouldn’t look after 4 though and that’s fine I just feel sad when I hear how involved other grandparents are. I’m a lone parent so they don’t see their dad either.

How old are your kids?

How old are your children? Mine enrolled in scouts and now go on camp every now and then, was a revelation. Also sleepovers with friends. Either possible?

@onedayoranother

My family live/lived (my parents are dead) abroad, my in laws were not really interested. My husband passed away when our kids were 4 and 6. So no time off, and I found out, to my dismay, that I'm not a natural mum. I found the baby stage boring and I really can only deal with four hours stretches before I need to go off on my own for an hour (I didn't get married or have kids til after 40, so have spent the majority of my life on my own). But I decided to have kids, they aren't so dependent for that long, and I just did it. I didn't really feel hard done by, sure I saw kids with their grandparents and wished mine could have that relationship (I didn't really expect my parents to ever look after my kids) but they had kids late, I had kids late, and they lived far away. Can you get a babysitter occasionally?

I'm sorry for your loss. That must be very hard. Interesting you say you are not a natural parent. In what way? How old are your kids?

@RedCandyApple

I hear you, I have 4 kids and my mum never has them, she will have one very occasionally but even that’s rare, but she will never have all of them (totally understand 4 is a lot) but I do feel jealous of people whose kids spend loads of time at their grandparents, she will have one of mine then ask if I’m enjoying my break 🤦🏻 It’s not exactly a break with 3 other kids. I get why she wouldn’t look after 4 though and that’s fine I just feel sad when I hear how involved other grandparents are. I’m a lone parent so they don’t see their dad either.

Yeah 4 is maybe a lot but it's so hard regardless of how many you have. Sometimes you just need time to breathe

Would you consider a professional babysitter?

She is 4. We have tried many sleepovers and just daytime visits but she freaks out. She always wants to come home. The grandparent can't handle the crying so just brings her back. I think I've just gave up now. My friends are saying why isn't she trying harder

@Whatelsecouldibecalled

Would you consider a professional babysitter?

I am now! But obviously someone we can trust and she would like. It's more if we could try and have a couple of days away though. So that wouldn't work.

@Savingpeoplehuntingthings

How old are your children? Mine enrolled in scouts and now go on camp every now and then, was a revelation. Also sleepovers with friends. Either possible?

Thanks! She's only 4 so maybe a bit little for camps etc. I remember going on camps with the Brownies/Guides maybe I just need to wait a few years

Snap I’m exhausted! I’m a single parent to a 1yo, who is CONSTANTLY I’ll with something! There is just my side of the family, but my parents are too busy with work to help; and my sister is just interested in her own family (3DC). I would love a full nights sleep, night off, meal out alone! Other friends (and my sister) seem to have family that are always around, taking the baby for the day or night, or just popping in for a brew and I get so jealous, just wish my DD had that relationship with someone too. So your not alone.

Yes I totally get it. Was talking to a grandparent at school today, she picks up the kids from school 2 x a week, the other grandparents cover 1 day, they have the kids to stay for a couple of weeks at a time in the holidays. I love my kids but I'm definitely envious of people who have that kind of support.

Me too. My inlaws still work full time and are too busy and disinterested. My own parents aren’t to be trusted with something as precious as a child. I do all pickups and dropoffs, I’m stuck in the house every single night including weekends. The last time I had a night off was when my mum babysat in my home two months ago, I went to the cinema and I couldn’t have a drink afterwards because I had to drive her home. I’m so jealous of people who have regular nights off. It’s ruined my marriage because we never have any time alone together.

@Choosingtochange they are now 16 and 18!
I'm not a natural mum because I don't always want to be with my kids, I resented the time they took away from me, and how I disappeared from being me, to being identified as X's or Y's mum. That every waking moment was about them. Even when they were not around I was planning what they should eat, what activities to plan to suit them. Worrying about how they were coping with this it that. Normal parent stuff I know, but I didn't really enjoy it.
And not having a partner meant that I had no one to see me as an adult, to occasionally take care of me, or think of me first.
But I tell you once they can get themselves up and dressed it's so much easier in terms of time, and by secondary they are walking to and from school and arranging their own friend meet ups. Sure you are a taxi driver, but they don't need physical care. For a few short years things are fine. Then teenage angst kicks in - exam pressure, heartache, friendship issues, talking back, just growing up is confusing and tough for kids. And being the sole parent is really difficult then. I have no one to talk things over with - no one who has our children's best interest at heart. No one to help guide my head strong son. And there's no one for them to go to when they are upset with me.
But I've learned to listen, and be there, and try not to judge, and let my kids make their own choices, even if I think they are wrong.
I figured out the way to keep a connection with my son was to watch football matches on tv, volunteer with his rugby club and drive every Thursday night and Sunday morning to practice. If we couldn't talk about other stuff at least we spent time together doing stuff he enjoyed. My daughter is more like me and I find her relatively easier. We are happy in each other's company and are on the same wavelength- she too craves time on her own.
I don't need a break from my kids now - my son lives on his own and I enjoy visiting him.
Missing a father, let alone a grandfather, has been devastating for him.
I'm a good mother, not a great one. I didn't know my own grandparents. But things are what they are, and you just have to get on with it.

@Exhaustedmum88

Snap I’m exhausted! I’m a single parent to a 1yo, who is CONSTANTLY I’ll with something! There is just my side of the family, but my parents are too busy with work to help; and my sister is just interested in her own family (3DC). I would love a full nights sleep, night off, meal out alone! Other friends (and my sister) seem to have family that are always around, taking the baby for the day or night, or just popping in for a brew and I get so jealous, just wish my DD had that relationship with someone too. So your not alone.

That's so rubbish for you too. Sometimes you just need a break. It's relentless when you have young kids

4 is still very little.
I don't think people having multiple nights off and weekends away is that common. We never did.

We paid people to babysit for us when we wanted to go out. It was important to us to save for that, so prioritised that over things others might spend money on.

I think 'having a couple of days away' is a bit unrealistic for most, when your little one is just 4.

[quote onedayoranother]@Choosingtochange they are now 16 and 18!
I'm not a natural mum because I don't always want to be with my kids, I resented the time they took away from me, and how I disappeared from being me, to being identified as X's or Y's mum. That every waking moment was about them. Even when they were not around I was planning what they should eat, what activities to plan to suit them. Worrying about how they were coping with this it that. Normal parent stuff I know, but I didn't really enjoy it.
And not having a partner meant that I had no one to see me as an adult, to occasionally take care of me, or think of me first.
But I tell you once they can get themselves up and dressed it's so much easier in terms of time, and by secondary they are walking to and from school and arranging their own friend meet ups. Sure you are a taxi driver, but they don't need physical care. For a few short years things are fine. Then teenage angst kicks in - exam pressure, heartache, friendship issues, talking back, just growing up is confusing and tough for kids. And being the sole parent is really difficult then. I have no one to talk things over with - no one who has our children's best interest at heart. No one to help guide my head strong son. And there's no one for them to go to when they are upset with me.
But I've learned to listen, and be there, and try not to judge, and let my kids make their own choices, even if I think they are wrong.
I figured out the way to keep a connection with my son was to watch football matches on tv, volunteer with his rugby club and drive every Thursday night and Sunday morning to practice. If we couldn't talk about other stuff at least we spent time together doing stuff he enjoyed. My daughter is more like me and I find her relatively easier. We are happy in each other's company and are on the same wavelength- she too craves time on her own.
I don't need a break from my kids now - my son lives on his own and I enjoy visiting him.
Missing a father, let alone a grandfather, has been devastating for him.
I'm a good mother, not a great one. I didn't know my own grandparents. But things are what they are, and you just have to get on with it. [/quote]
You sound like an amazing mother. You have dealt with all the trials and tribulations that motherhood has dealt you and thrived. You sound fantastic

@Kite22

4 is still very little. I don't think people having multiple nights off and weekends away is that common. We never did. We paid people to babysit for us when we wanted to go out. It was important to us to save for that, so prioritised that over things others might spend money on.

I think 'having a couple of days away' is a bit unrealistic for most, when your little one is just 4.

Fair enough, I get what you are saying too. I just feel envious of other couples who have 2 sets of Grandparents where there kids feel comfortable with to stay. We tried one more time and she wanted to come home by 8pm

Another question....when the 4yr old is getting upset at her grandparents missing Mummy is it ok for her to just bring her home?

@hariborabbit

Yes I totally get it. Was talking to a grandparent at school today, she picks up the kids from school 2 x a week, the other grandparents cover 1 day, they have the kids to stay for a couple of weeks at a time in the holidays. I love my kids but I'm definitely envious of people who have that kind of support.

It's definitely hard to hear isn't it. You wish you had that same support but you don't.

@Alayalaya

Me too. My inlaws still work full time and are too busy and disinterested. My own parents aren’t to be trusted with something as precious as a child. I do all pickups and dropoffs, I’m stuck in the house every single night including weekends. The last time I had a night off was when my mum babysat in my home two months ago, I went to the cinema and I couldn’t have a drink afterwards because I had to drive her home. I’m so jealous of people who have regular nights off. It’s ruined my marriage because we never have any time alone together.

Oh I feel you, the only time we have had a few hours together is if she is in our house. What good is that?? No lie in etc, totally pointless

Sounds like you have a partner? Could you take it in turns for an evening off?

Is she at school? If so, take a day annual leave and do whatever you fancy?

My mum and mil are pretty hands on but we don't have regular nights off and weekends away all the time! I think if we did they'd become rather more hands off. I pay for a babysitter or we stay in, isn't that how it works with kids? I certainly won't be a babysit all the time kind of grandparent. Hopefully I'll be retiring when and if grandkids turn up, I don't want to start being a childminder then!

No time here either. We are abroad, and no family to help anyway.

Ds is almost 2 years. The only time dh and I had without him was 2hrs a few weeks ago when neighbour looked after him so we could load trailer with building rubbish and trip to the tip.

He will start nursery in September a few mornings so Dh and I can get stuff done and 5mins break. Will look into paid babysitter maybe from the nursery.