No breaks EVER

[Choosingtochange]

I’m not sure what I want to hear other than other people in my situation that don’t get a break and feel hard done by. I totally get it if you are a single parent as I was one for 10 years. I’m now in a situation where I have no family support whatsoever. One Grandparent is an alcoholic and the other is over 70 and struggling. I get so jealous of people with involved grandparents who can have weekends away and nights off. I know it’s no one else’s responsibility but wow I’d love just one night.

I take it from your OP that you are no longer a single parent? DH and I had very little support and no local friendship group when our DC were younger and used to take it in turns to have a lie-in, night out etc. We did hardly anything without the kids.

Surely the issue here is that your DD doesn't like being away from home without you? You have grandparents who would look after her if she enjoyed it. My DCs are 6 and 3. My parents are willing to babysit, including occasionally overnight (I know I'm lucky!) but didn't do so with the eldest until she was 5, as she didn't like it. I still wouldn't leave them more than one night, and generally then from afternoon to morning.

It is tough not having a long break, but you can still have couple time in different ways. Don't write it off altogether because it's not a weekend off. Hopefully in a bit your DD will be more relaxed about staying away.

Yeah no family support here. Mum has dementia and my father died 10 years ago. I am an only child so no siblings/ no cousins in UK as aunt never had kids. My partner is from overseas so his family don't live near. My mum is originally from overseas too, so her very large family live 3000 miles away! My eldest is 10, youngest 3.

I keep on intending to look for a baby sitter just so we can have a night out... must put that back on my to do list!

I don't resent the people who have support or even get jealous tbh. I think it's great that they have that. But I do get a tab pissed off when someone who has lots of support complains about the help they get. Most people don't do this but the minority who do just don't seem to appreciate how good they have it!

I can count on one hand how many nights I've had away from the kids since 2014 (when I got a new job). It's 3. 2 nights for a bulk 40th party, and one night away with work.DH had the kids each time.
Before that, I used to get regular patches away with work.

Find other people around you who are similar. I have a friend who also has no family around. We call on each other in desperation. The times when everyone else would use a grandparent round the corner. They are the most likely to understand.

@Choosingtochange

She is 4. We have tried many sleepovers and just daytime visits but she freaks out. She always wants to come home. The grandparent can't handle the crying so just brings her back. I think I've just gave up now. My friends are saying why isn't she trying harder

I think this is the issue. Don't be in for her to be brought back. Try and make a routine visit where she is left there for couple hours.

Yes its shit but I figure it it what it is, and crack on.

My DD is a teen but all family live far away and were relatively clear that it was all too difficult to help out (although only one surviving GP now who will not help at all). She has additional needs so we have co-slept for years, she doesn't attend mainstream school, and has a hobby that I have to be there for, so we are generally together 24/7.

My DH is amazing but works full time so I do the bulk (and work part time at home as well).

I had have a handful of nights away in about 10 years - and they were only to visit my dying dad and sort the funeral.

It is exhausting but I don't get jealous of other people - if I make a comparison it is to realise I could have it much much worse.

I feel you. We have 3 kids one who has additional needs and the other 2 who are often sick. We haven't had a night of in over 5 years. It's exhausting especially when we keep getting told how other family members kids have go to granny overnight once or twice a week to "give there parents a break". However on the plus side our kids are incredibly close to us and have lots of friends in our area as they are always here to build those friendships.

6 kids. Don't get many babysitting offers, dh works away for days to months at a time. When my parents have had them they look like they could do with a holiday after 🤣🤣. DH's parents have never offered to have one let alone the full brood. Before baby arrived we used to do lunch as a couple sometimes, school is awesome. It's pretty rubbish sometimes but they will leave me one day so I'm enjoying having them around while it lasts.

I am a bit confused about your situation, as in the OP you say

I totally get it if you are a single parent as I was one for 10 years.

So, from this, and subsequent posts I get the impression you have a partner, and are no longer a single parent ?

Also, that you presumably have a much older child, or children ?
So might they not be able to babysit for the odd couple of hours ?

I’m now in a situation where I have no family support whatsoever.

and then later you say
We have tried many sleepovers and just daytime visits but she freaks out. She always wants to come home , so it sounds as if you do have family support and a willing sitter.

I mean, I wouldn't expect an older Grandparent to have them overnight, but you are talking about never getting a break EVER, in your title, and it doesn't sound as if that is the case as you read through your posts.

I read "never getting a break" to mean you literally have no-one who will have them whilst you go for a hospital appointment or a smear or to get a hair cut or a filling at the dentist or to go to a funeral or a job interview where you can't really take them. It doesn't sound as if that is the situation you are in?

@Kite22

I am a bit confused about your situation, as in the OP you say I totally get it if you are a single parent as I was one for 10 years.

So, from this, and subsequent posts I get the impression you have a partner, and are no longer a single parent ?

Also, that you presumably have a much older child, or children ?
So might they not be able to babysit for the odd couple of hours ?

I’m now in a situation where I have no family support whatsoever.

and then later you say
We have tried many sleepovers and just daytime visits but she freaks out. She always wants to come home , so it sounds as if you do have family support and a willing sitter.

I mean, I wouldn't expect an older Grandparent to have them overnight, but you are talking about never getting a break EVER, in your title, and it doesn't sound as if that is the case as you read through your posts.

I read "never getting a break" to mean you literally have no-one who will have them whilst you go for a hospital appointment or a smear or to get a hair cut or a filling at the dentist or to go to a funeral or a job interview where you can't really take them. It doesn't sound as if that is the situation you are in?

I don't think you are confused by my post, you are just being pedantic and picking it apart. Which is fine. I'm either at work or with my child. Maybe I should have said, I don't get breaks for leisure purposes to make me feel like I actually have a life outside work and being a parent. A meal, an overnight somewhere. I apologise for not being completely specific. As this is a forum for Mums, I am just glad of the other posters who can understand and offer solidarity.

@OnceuponaRainbow18

Is she at school? If so, take a day annual leave and do whatever you fancy?

She will be starting this year so I will have a day off when she is at school! At least then I can clean the house, do a food shop and sort life admin. Or just sit down, binge watch all my programmes and drink tea?

@Choosingtochange

Defo sit down chill and watch Netflix!

@Alayalaya

Me too. My inlaws still work full time and are too busy and disinterested. My own parents aren’t to be trusted with something as precious as a child. I do all pickups and dropoffs, I’m stuck in the house every single night including weekends. The last time I had a night off was when my mum babysat in my home two months ago, I went to the cinema and I couldn’t have a drink afterwards because I had to drive her home. I’m so jealous of people who have regular nights off. It’s ruined my marriage because we never have any time alone together.

That is hard isn't it. I'm sorry you don't get a break either

I’m a single parent.
Family live a 3 hour round trip away.
My exh does have the DCs 3 nights a week, but work those nights.
I either have the DCs with me, I’m working late nights, I’m sleeping off a late shift or I’m cramming the university work that I can’t get done when I’ve got the DCs.
I’d sell one of my less vital organs for an actual day/night where I can just do nothing, or do something I want to do.

@PotatoGoblins

I’m a single parent. Family live a 3 hour round trip away. My exh does have the DCs 3 nights a week, but work those nights. I either have the DCs with me, I’m working late nights, I’m sleeping off a late shift or I’m cramming the university work that I can’t get done when I’ve got the DCs. I’d sell one of my less vital organs for an actual day/night where I can just do nothing, or do something I want to do.

Yes.. like have someone to take them on your day off. Then gradually wake up (when you want) go and make yourself a nice cup of tea/coffee. Then sit and drink it peacefully lol. Maybe with a bagel or toast. Then think...oh I've not watched that tv show/podcast/shaved my legs or just done a poo in peace...then you have lunch, read a book. Go get a smear or have a tooth taken out as the previous poster suggested x

@Chely

6 kids. Don't get many babysitting offers, dh works away for days to months at a time. When my parents have had them they look like they could do with a holiday after 🤣🤣. DH's parents have never offered to have one let alone the full brood. Before baby arrived we used to do lunch as a couple sometimes, school is awesome. It's pretty rubbish sometimes but they will leave me one day so I'm enjoying having them around while it lasts.

To be honest...6 kids nah no wonder! I'm so sorry though. Technically you must be used to the madness

@Kite22

4 is still very little. I don't think people having multiple nights off and weekends away is that common. We never did. We paid people to babysit for us when we wanted to go out. It was important to us to save for that, so prioritised that over things others might spend money on.

I think 'having a couple of days away' is a bit unrealistic for most, when your little one is just 4.

That's interesting you think "a couple of days away" is unrealistic. Seems to be the norm here. I don't want to leave my child for days on end. But a weekend might be nice or even an overnight. Is that acceptable to you?

I get it OP. It's the relentlessness. Every minute. I keep saying to my mum this is my problem and I'd love a break from them and she keeps saying chin up. Dh is a very hands on dad too I'm lucky. The other granny visits and ignores the kids. I'm jealous of other people too. Sorry no solutions. Just some solidarity.

I get told they'd love to help but they worry it's too much responsibility for an overnight

@beechie12

I get it OP. It's the relentlessness. Every minute. I keep saying to my mum this is my problem and I'd love a break from them and she keeps saying chin up. Dh is a very hands on dad too I'm lucky. The other granny visits and ignores the kids. I'm jealous of other people too. Sorry no solutions. Just some solidarity.

Haha I get the other Granny visits but ignores the kids part. Great for us Mums, just take them....even for a few hours

@beechie12

I get told they'd love to help but they worry it's too much responsibility for an overnight

Bullshit

Yes I know. Especially now they are school age but they can take my sister's toddlers overnight no problem because she has a history of mental health issues and needs a break. Drives me mad.

@beechie12

Yes I know. Especially now they are school age but they can take my sister's toddlers overnight no problem because she has a history of mental health issues and needs a break. Drives me mad.

Really? Takes the sisters toddlers but not your older ones? Hmm that's definitely not fair at all on you. Why do you think that is?

Sorry you said she has a history of mental health issues. Could you maybe say that you need a break also?

Going to try again. Half of my problem is that I feel guilty then as they are not so keen. Whereas my sister just books things and informs them.

I see your lo starts school soon. That is a game changer. Dh and I went to the gym together last week one school morning. Was like a little date. Seemed like first time in ten years