Y4 - Y6 girls who don't have a best friend :(

[noshis]

I'm not sure how best to help our daughter. She doesn't have a best friend and hasn't since about Y3. There are 13 girls in the class and I'm finding all the girls are in pairs and she is always the odd one out.

The party invitations have really dropped off these last couple years. Its becoming a pattern that she does have a 'best friend' for a short period of time and then I find they go back to their usual best friend. It's like she's the absolute last option in the class and used by some of the others when they have their typical fall outs.

I feel like I've read on mumsnet that there's usually a reason why a child doesn't have friends and I get that. I'm working really hard with things like hygiene and trying my best to keep her looking clean and smart. She's definitely not bossy at all, quite the opposite. She doesn't have a strong personality. She's quiet and doesn't have much at all to say. I struggle myself to connect with her at times as she doesn't converse much (doesn't ask questions etc). When she is in the mood she's lovely, and funny, but she's very much in her own head most of the time. We've tried to get her into various sports but she's not interested. I take her out running for exercise (she's not interested in joining a running club) and she's an avid reader. She does Brownies but hasn't made any friends there. She goes, does the activities, and comes home.

I'm just starting to get so worried ahead of her going to high school. I think she does get sad about it and she doesn't seem a happy child at the moment. Is there anything we can do? If she has a 'friend' for a few weeks we always arrange a playdate and they might return the invitation, but to be honest those instances are becoming rarer and rarer. We always arrange birthday parties for her and people do come. However, I feel this may be down to the close knit school community and the fact I am sociable with the other mums. I imagine when she reaches high school this will stop unless she can make 'real friends'.

Really worried about the future.

Is she upset or unhappy with the situation?

Yes, lately I feel she is increasingly becoming unhappy. For the first time, I'm starting to get worried. Like I said in my OP I actually find it quite hard to connect with her as I get so little back. If I feel like that then I can see why others might. The teacher told me she is quite animated when chatting to classmates, just so incredibly quiet speaking to adults at school, and even us at home.

I don't think you need to worry. Have a chat with school to make sure she isn't isolated, but as long as she has friends didn't put too much on the very fickle and sometimes too intense best friend status of a friendship. Once she is at senior school she will probably find a bunch of girls she gels with much more, I know mine did.

We have a very similar situation. My DD is Y4 in a very small school - there are only 4 other girls in her year. I find it very upsetting but have to remind myself that she is happy having lots of people she plays with but no special/best friend. Have the school been able to support at all?

@ANameChangeAgain

I don't think you need to worry. Have a chat with school to make sure she isn't isolated, but as long as she has friends didn't put too much on the very fickle and sometimes too intense best friend status of a friendship. Once she is at senior school she will probably find a bunch of girls she gels with much more, I know mine did.

That's been my view for several years now. I've been quite laid back about it. Its just now that I am noticing that she is very much the only one that is always left as an outlier. And how will she make friends in a big new high school when she doesn't really even talk to others in her Brownies group over the last 2 years? :(

Hopefully when she goes to a high school she’ll find her tribe. It might not happen immediately, might even take a few years.
My daughter has had similar. She is 15 and got an Autism diagnosis this year. The diagnosis helped me accept that there are some things she won’t ever want to be and has really helped when thinking about what sixth form setting might be most appropriate for her. She’s currently at a selective girls school. She hopes to go to a large sixth form college where there will be a real variety of students.
Definitely, when looking at school settings, think about putting her in a situation where she has a greater pool of possible friends, but also consider whether or not there will be bullying/exclusion.

You might find that secondary school is actually better for her. She may actually have more friendship options and a more diverse group to pick and choose from. Sympathies though...I have a year six girl and the friendship stuff is an absolute minefield.

And how will she make friends in a big new high school when she doesn't really even talk to others in her Brownies group over the last 2 years?
This could have been my dd. It did bother her that she didn't have a best friend status - there was a girl who had 2/3 best friends, one was my dd, who had to wait in rotation to be the special one. Talk about toxic! When my dd left primary she didn't have a single girl friend and I was so worried. The "rotation" best friend is still a close friend now, oddly enough, but when my dd started senior school, mixing with new people she grew into herself.
You'll be surprised with how much difference brownies then guides will make into giving her connections with other girls in the area. Even if she doesn't seem to talk to them, once they start up with camps again she gain confidence.
I honestly think that the covid isolation for children will be partly to blame for all of this.

From your description, I think your DD may blossom at the right high school. When she has the option to choose subjects/clubs that suit her, she will find it easier to connect with similar souls and, of course, there will be many more in her peer group.
For now, encourage a broad range of interests; music, chess, cookery, maybe a more unusual sport (check what societies are available at her high school) etc. Not everyone needs a best friend, she may thrive as a self reliant type.

Perhaps rather than sports and brownies there might be some left field options for extra curricular pastimes which could help her find her 'self' as it were. Near us there is an arts hub place who do everything from pottery classes to drama to puppeteering to art and attracts a very eclectic mix of kids.
I think the main thing is to try to give her various 'arms' to her life so that if she doesn't have a strong base in school she has other refuges of social calm which won't be affected if things are rocky in another. My nephew had a horrid time at school at one point, no idea why, but he had two other irons in the fire, one based on an interest, one based on his mum's post-natal gang of kids 😆 when it was all going to pot at school he was still accepted in the other two and it was protection against the bashing his self esteem would have otherwise taken.
You might not be able to ensure her social acceptance but you can help her not to have all her eggs in one basket.
I have similar fears for my daughter too so I really sympathise and let's cross our fingers for our beautiful girls.

If the other girls are paired up, try inviting one or three girls over not from established pairs, just so they get to mix together outside school. Maybe set up some fun activity like making their own pizza then watching a film. Make sure they have a good time at your house and that the house itself is warm and welcoming.

Does the school have proper provision for quieter children? Is there a book club or school magazine she could get involved in? Are there quiet boys who also lack friends because they are not as sporty, who she might have mor ein common with?

My daughter is in year 6 and has no friends at all, she’s Autistic, she didn’t get one Christmas card, not one, it’s horrible😔

My DD is in y4 and doesn't have a particular best friend - her and 3 other girls are a little group. I don't know why they need a best friend tbh, surely having a wider group is preferable. I guess it's only an issue if they have nobody

I can completely relate, my DD never really fit in during primary and was always on the outside. It got particularly bad in Yr6 and she was very isolated.
The first day of secondary school, I spent the day in tears because dropping her off she was completely blanked by the girls from her primary and ignored as she tried to talk to them and I felt so awful for her.

Fast forward to now, just a few months into secondary and she has a group of around 6 really good friends, all completely new. She's round their houses all the time, they are round ours. I drive her to and fro meet ups, she's always on the phone chatting and giggling to them. She said to me 'I had hoped I'd find one friend at my new school, I never thought I'd find a whole group'

I had been so worried about her starting a new school but it was the best thing ever, she just needed a wider pool of peers to find her group and I'm sure your DD will too

You mention the other girls in her class , but what about the boys? My own year 3 daughter isn’t always great at navigating the ups and downs of girl friendship, and she hates the holding hands and hair playing side of things, but she has some solid and steady friendships with some of the more chilled out boys.

That’s so lovely @HerbErtlinger

Does her best friend have to be a girl? DS yr 5’s best friend is a girl. He moved in September and his best friend at his old school was a girl too.
He doesn’t like football, prefers to spend lunchtime in the library and is very into imaginative games and Lego at home.
I have no concerns about him socially, he’s very outgoing and happy.

To add, the girls seem very mercurial and I’m glad I haven’t got one- too much drama! Maybe your DD doesn’t like drama either (a good thing!).

My DD (year 5) is in exactly the same situation. She was always well liked and had someone to play with, but it's steadily declined this last couple of years. I think lockdown knocked her confidence, combined with them all getting older and friendship groups changing. She's getting some pastoral care now at school which is really helping her, does your school have someone for well-being she could see?
Asd has now been mentioned too in our case.

Oh and I sent her to a brownies group outside of her primary school peer group too and she didn't make any friends there either but I don't think that is indicative of her not being able to make friends but more, in hindsight, they were girls already in their own friendship groups from school and it was just too short a time period for her to make friends. In secondary, they are all in the same position and, I think, keen to extend their circles beyond their primary schools

Hi,

I have 3 dd and this is the same with all of them. They are all happy to play with any of the other girls in their class but all have different situations. She may find the socialising grows from activities - both in and out of school. Can she do activites out of school so that she meets other girls? All of my 3 have school friends and other friends and that definitely helps.

My oldest in Y6 has asd and doesn't like being with a large group of people. But she is lucky enough to have found her 'place' at school and likes being in the library - she has friends through being a 'librarian' at school. She also has neighbours on our street that she is very close to even though they go to different schools.

My middle child in Y3 is one of only 7 girls in a class of 24. An odd number is hard, as you say. Also, the other 6 live near each other and we live a bit further away so she does definitely feel left out that way. They are also very girly, whereas she isn't and likes to play with some of the boys. But she does art after school and meets other girls from different schools - my Y6 child also does this - and it has been really good for her.

My youngest is only in Y1 and also is a bit of loner. But she will play with lots of the children in her class and is liked. She never says she is lonely.

My advice is to arrange playdates with school friends if you can and to look for activities that she might enjoy away from school where she can meet other girls. Failing that, she might just have to hang on until high school, as I keep telling my Y3 daughter, where there will be lots of other girls and they mix them up a lot more!
Good luck...

Activities btw, that aren't about being social but that they can be social while they do it. That's why we do art - they feel great about themselves when they come out of the session with their 'masterpiece,' and they can chat while they paint in a very relaxed environment. Both of my older girls have made friends this way.

@CaptainChannel

My DD is in y4 and doesn't have a particular best friend - her and 3 other girls are a little group. I don't know why they need a best friend tbh, surely having a wider group is preferable. I guess it's only an issue if they have nobody

You’re totally missing the point of the OP.

My DD had friends but no 'best friend' in her primary school. She's very quiet and shy around new people and adults. Very quickly at secondary she got in a wonderful group of 5 girls who are all so lovely, all a bit 'outliers' ie. not the 'in girls' but not completely weird either. They are spread across 2 classes. I think in a bunch of 90 girls she's been able to find her people and now I'm Y8 they are all best friends no one more than the other.

Also at secondary, no one goes round in groups of 2 which it sounds like your primary operates in.

Ps. Only one of the current group went to primary with her. They were friends but definitely not BFFs.