Y4 - Y6 girls who don't have a best friend :(

[noshis]

I'm not sure how best to help our daughter. She doesn't have a best friend and hasn't since about Y3. There are 13 girls in the class and I'm finding all the girls are in pairs and she is always the odd one out.

The party invitations have really dropped off these last couple years. Its becoming a pattern that she does have a 'best friend' for a short period of time and then I find they go back to their usual best friend. It's like she's the absolute last option in the class and used by some of the others when they have their typical fall outs.

I feel like I've read on mumsnet that there's usually a reason why a child doesn't have friends and I get that. I'm working really hard with things like hygiene and trying my best to keep her looking clean and smart. She's definitely not bossy at all, quite the opposite. She doesn't have a strong personality. She's quiet and doesn't have much at all to say. I struggle myself to connect with her at times as she doesn't converse much (doesn't ask questions etc). When she is in the mood she's lovely, and funny, but she's very much in her own head most of the time. We've tried to get her into various sports but she's not interested. I take her out running for exercise (she's not interested in joining a running club) and she's an avid reader. She does Brownies but hasn't made any friends there. She goes, does the activities, and comes home.

I'm just starting to get so worried ahead of her going to high school. I think she does get sad about it and she doesn't seem a happy child at the moment. Is there anything we can do? If she has a 'friend' for a few weeks we always arrange a playdate and they might return the invitation, but to be honest those instances are becoming rarer and rarer. We always arrange birthday parties for her and people do come. However, I feel this may be down to the close knit school community and the fact I am sociable with the other mums. I imagine when she reaches high school this will stop unless she can make 'real friends'.

Really worried about the future.

Both my DDs (Y7 and Y4) have struggled a bit with friendships. I have found that doing activities outside of school has helped. One especially loves drama and has made friends there that she now meets up with outside of school. The older one also found that she came across children from her clubs once she started secondary school so that has facilitated friendships there too.

@Blossomandbee

My DD (year 5) is in exactly the same situation. She was always well liked and had someone to play with, but it's steadily declined this last couple of years. I think lockdown knocked her confidence, combined with them all getting older and friendship groups changing. She's getting some pastoral care now at school which is really helping her, does your school have someone for well-being she could see? Asd has now been mentioned too in our case.

This is my DD really. I started to realise the other girls were all messaging and zooming through lockdown and maintaining friendships. They all stayed close and my daughter became more of an outsider.

What sort of help have the school been able to offer?

@bobblesandbows

Activities btw, that aren't about being social but that they can be social while they do it. That's why we do art - they feel great about themselves when they come out of the session with their 'masterpiece,' and they can chat while they paint in a very relaxed environment. Both of my older girls have made friends this way.

This is so true. DD goes to an art class every school holiday with the most amazing teacher. It's in the next town so I can't seem to fit it in weekly after school but I will look at that again. It's where she's happiest and so good for her self esteem. She went every week in the summer holidays and I framed each of her masterpieces for her bedroom wall!

@CaptainChannel

My DD is in y4 and doesn't have a particular best friend - her and 3 other girls are a little group. I don't know why they need a best friend tbh, surely having a wider group is preferable. I guess it's only an issue if they have nobody

Yep, you missed the point of the thread. My DD now does basically have nobody. She has a friend when they get ostracised from their group. This week they are all happy in their couples and small groups so I think my DD might be on her own :(

@noshis she's been having some one to one sessions with the lady that deals with Sen and well-being. Most primary schools will have someone who deals with pastoral care. They usually help anything from additional needs to those who just need some extra support. It just gives them some time out to talk in confidence and discuss any worries. It's also a point of contact for you to let them know if they're having a down day or are upset. I would definitely enquire about it.
Yes lots in my DD's class use WhatsApp and online gaming that my DD has never been included in

We had same situation with DD - invites to anything stopped around year 5. She had a couple of friends up til that point but they blew hot & cold.

When she went to secondary she was completely left out & didn't then meet any new friends & then lockdown started end of year 7. So that didn't really help. She ended up very down & isolated during lockdown with no contact with anyone else.

We moved her to a different school for year 9 & she seems to be making some friends. It's been gradual but she seems to be getting out of her depression.

I suspect ASD & she's not on the same wavelength as girls from primary - not interested in boys, make up or TikTok. So a bit of an outsider.

It's really hard as a parent & unfortunately you can't make friends for them. I used to organise things & people would accept invites but it was never reciprocated which is sad.

My Y9 DD has had friendship troubles for most of secondary now, I really think Covid hasn’t helped. What saves her is having a hobby outside of school that she loves & gives her another social network (for her it’s riding).

My DD13 has Autism and went through the last few years of primary school like this. Its heartbreaking isn't it! The only thing that kept her social life afloat was the fact that a few parents knew she was on the spectrum so were quite supportive and actively included her in play dates and things, but this was only towards the end of Year 6 when I actively reached out to them to let them know we were struggling. I was lucky they were a kind and understanding bunch of women!

It has all sorted itself out now in secondary school. The pool of girls is much larger and she had branched out and found like-minded friends. I never would have thought this would be the case and could have written your OP exactly back then. It used to make me cry!

Secondary school may just be the change she needs. They've all spent a long time together by the end of Year 6 and if they still haven't found the right people a change is no bad thing.

I totally feel your pain!

I went to 3 different primary schools as we had to move around with my dad's job and really struggled to make friends. I went up to secondary without any friends from primary school. In year 8 I finally started to find some girls I got on with and it got better. I always felt a bit left out or behind in years 3-7.
I'm a secondary teacher now and I love seeing friendships develop. It's so tough OP. Think your strategy of ideas to build her self esteem like the art is a great idea.

I do think you are over egging the "best friend" thing.

I don't have a "best friend" . I do, however have "lots of friends".

I worried about dc1 at first, in Primary school, as he had a friend for a short while, then was friends with someone else. He is very much like me, as an adult - I couldn't begin to guess who he was out with if he said he was meeting for a curry or something, as there is no "best friend" but he has lots and lots of different friendship groups.

We are all different. Not everyone values some sort of exclusive partnership with one person. Many people are happy to be sociable and friendly when they are with others, but not need the intensity of keeping up a "best friendship" with any single person.

@Kite22

I do think you are over egging the "best friend" thing.

I don't have a "best friend" . I do, however have "lots of friends".

I worried about dc1 at first, in Primary school, as he had a friend for a short while, then was friends with someone else. He is very much like me, as an adult - I couldn't begin to guess who he was out with if he said he was meeting for a curry or something, as there is no "best friend" but he has lots and lots of different friendship groups.

We are all different. Not everyone values some sort of exclusive partnership with one person. Many people are happy to be sociable and friendly when they are with others, but not need the intensity of keeping up a "best friendship" with any single person.

I think my use of the term 'best friend' in my initial post may have been misconstrued. Its more the fact that she may be isolated from her classmates because they all DO have a best friend and choose to be attached to that one friend to the exclusion of all others. I don't know if this is typical of girls of this age or just unfortunate that this is the case in DDs class. I don't think its healthy at all to have one best friend but they all seem to be doing this, with the exception of 2 pairs of best friends who hang around in a group of 4 a lot.

So what tends to happen is DD is always on the periphery. They blow hot or cold. If one of the others falls out with their best friend, then they happily play with DD. Or if their best friend is off sick they happily play with her. I don't think any of them dislike her and I don't think she is being bullied. I have no evidence that any of them are being particularly mean. I just feel sad for her that none of them choose to spend time with her as a priority IYSWIM.

She often tells me who is best friends with who. Its always the same and never falters. I know exactly what all the pairs in the class are and they have been consistent for years now. I think DD just feels second best, like why does nobody want to be her best friend. I can totally understand it? Its only the same as when all your friends are married and you're perpetually single. It happens and you start to wonder whats wrong with you.

I just don't want DD to get into a negative mindset where she thinks she's 'less than' when in fact its more likely that she just isn't going to be lifelong friends with this particular group of females.

Thank you for all the suggestions on the thread! I have emailed the school to talk about a few different issues, and am looking into other ideas for activities outside school.

It was the same when I was at school, right through to 6th form. Girls always paired up. It was honestly a bit like being in a relationship! You sit together, go into town at weekends together in secondary, have sleepovers together. I'm sorry your DD is left out due to what is basically now a numbers issue. Basically though these pairs will probably gravitate towards each other until they're no longer in a class together every day.

Chances are she will find friends at secondary, maybe in a group.

My DS is only 3 but it starts early - we had this recently at nursery. His best friend is a girl and a new girl started recently who was trying to make Best Friend leave my son on his own. DS and Best Friend were not having any of it, even at that age.