Juggling 2.5 yr old and newborn - help!

[UKmumtobe]

Im really struggling juggling my two babies.

Dd Is 2.5 and very demanding. Especially seen DS has arrived. She hates me giving him attention especially breastfeeding.

Newborn is now 8 week's and does not sleep well. Naps during the day are non existent without me having to make a lot of effort e.g. going for a walk or going round the garden or bouncing in bouncy chair. Otherwise he just doesn't sleep. He's wide eyed.

I have to look after toddler but it means I'm neglecting newborn especially when it comes to getting him to nap. I just can't be in two places at once. Any tips

Wearing baby in the carrier doesn't work anymore before anyone suggests it. He won't sleep in it indoors anymore no matter how hard I try and it's just getting too much for my back and makes life hard trying to pick toddler up and do things like cooking dinner.

I feel so anxious about everything I hate being alone trying to look after them both. One always suffers and I know right now it's the newborns sleep that is suffering. Today he had 1 nap for about 45 mins.

How did everyone cope with this stage? :(

Every sympathy - I was in your position during the summer but with a 2.8 year old. Neither of mine have ever slept in a sling beyond the first two weeks, and were/are horrendous cat nappers.

What I did was, every 90 minutes or sooner if needed, tuck the baby up in the buggy with loud white noise on and a Snoozeshade to block visuals. I’d then rock the buggy vigorously with my foot until baby calmed down and slept. At the start I had to continue the rocking for the duration of the (half hour) nap, but by about 12 weeks she’d go off quite quickly and sleep for the full half hour stationary. Doing it this way meant I could in a fashion still play with the older one - we’d do puzzles on the sofa, or colour or even just watch Paw Patrol!

Obviously this is only what worked for mine, but might help spark some ideas.

I had exactly this. So sympathies.
We did playgroups - meant the older one was playing.
Ds2 had a lot of sleeps in his Buggy.
I got a play pen - I could keep the baby safe from his toddler Brother. Later on the older bother could play away from his younger bother messing it up.
I had a special basked with small toys and books that only came out at feeding time for newborn and Ds1 would have that then.
Ooh and Ds1 started going to nursery a couple of times a week so I could have a break.
We did quite a lot of walks in the double Buggy.
They are definitely not suffering - neither of them. You are all adjusting to your new normal.
Also Ds1 thought that DS 2 was temporary- so lots of reassurance that you love them. And you may need to tell DC1 that Dc2 is here to stay.
Ooh and on Saturday morning DH took both of them out for a couple of hours. And I slept. Heaven - highly recommend that one.

Thanks @Timeturnerplease I tried the pram today but like you say - I had to keep rocking it. Then toddler started to get really annoyed with me and acted out. I stopped rocking and baby woke up screaming. Couldn't get him back off after that.

That was the only nap of the day he got as I was too exhausted to take them both out for a proper walk (and I knew toddler would expect a playground visit which I couldn't face) and trying to bounce him in bouncy chair didn't work at all. Carrier didn't work either. Toddler just gets into trouble or throws a tantrum so I have to stop what I'm doing to help baby and literally only get back to it about 20 mins after I've sorted toddler out.

Toddler just keeps taking my time so I can't dedicate any type of sleep help to the baby. I can't just put him down for naps like everyone keeps telling me to do as he screams and screams? I'm trying to stick to wake windows for his age but that doesn't make any difference.

I'm really at my wit's end today and feel like such a failure. I'm not enjoying being a mum of 2 at all which makes me so sad! Every day is a battle.

Thanks for the advice @Serenschintte all sounds good.

My baby just isn't sleepy I can't get him to sleep in the pram especially inside anywhere. Even going for a walk it'll take a long time for him to finally give in and close his eyes. And i just don't have the energy to walk and walk and toddler hates being strapped in the double buggy for long.

I genuinely feel toddler is suffering due to my short fuse thanks to tiredness and obviously I do have to prioritise baby a lot over her. It makes me feel so sad as I wonder how she must feel. I used to be her best pal and now I'm her mum who keeps telling her off and asking her to "wait" or "stop" all the time.

And poor baby is so overtired. Bedtime tonight is awful. He's still awake.

I think the lack of sleep is catching up with me finally... Hopefully tomorrow will be easier

So much sympathy coming your way. When you said you felt anxious about being alone with them all day I felt that deeply.
Not sure I have any tips, just purely the passing of time helped. I found a real turning point around the youngest getting to around 9 months and was very mobile and therefore happier. Mine have just turned 3 and youngest 15mo now and I am a different person, starting to see the joy again. It does get easier, I promise. It’s so bloody hard though. Keep hanging in there, time will pass

I assume DC1 doesn’t already go to any formal childcare during the week? Sounds so tough. My DS was like your DC2. I thank my lucky stars I wasn’t also having to deal with a toddler while he was a screaming, none napping newborn.

My friend had a good success with a rocket pram pusher. I did not. But I got it second hand FB and gave it to her.

Mine were 20 month gap, this time last year and it was so bloody hard. Lots of telly, lots of juggling, and accepting that at some points someone might have to cry. Fire fighting maybe. Toddler in bath priority over baby crying safely in chair.

Gets easier every day as your confidence grows. I posted about it last year, lower your standards I was told, that does help. It's a huge adjustment and it's the change of attention or divide of attention but it does get better.

Do you drive? I ended up going for a long drive with mine each day and that took care of one nap. The baby would doze off and toddler seemed to calm down and was happy looking out the window. I got to listen to my music too, which was nice.

Cost me a fortune in petrol though.

@UKmumtobe I can't help with your situation as I only have the one baby but in terms of having to rock the pram- look for something online called a Rockit. It's a portable baby rocker thing that attaches to a pram so the motion sends and keeps the baby asleep. I personally didn't use one as I only discovered it when baby was 5 months and didn't really need it by then, but I've heard others have sworn by it and I'm definitely getting one if I ever have another.

@UKmumtobe you have my sympathies. I had similar aged children 6 years ago but my older child wasn't as demanding as yours but it was tough. I ended up getting the contraption @Luckyelephant1 is talking about. Mine was called the robopax, it helped a bit but time, tv and bribes helped as well.
For me I found talking to my toddler and telling him what I'm doing and when I'm done I'll come over to you. When I'm feeding the baby I try to cuddle the toddler with my free arm. Not easy but baby won't remember anyway. See my robopax attached.

Link for robopax as I'm unable to attach pic.

bestcheappushchairs.blogspot.com/2012/04/robopax-baby-rocker-automatic-pram.html?m=1

No advice OP, but plenty of sympathy. I could have written your post word-for-word except my baby is five weeks. It's a bloody nightmare!

I'm going to buy a Rockit on the suggestion of a friend. Other than that, I think it's a case of gritting teeth and remembering that it will get easier?!

Thank you everyone for your sympathies. It does make me feel less alone. And if you have all done it.. I can too... :)

Toddler goes to preschool a couple mornings a week so I do get some time to myself and baby but it's quite a challenge trying to get out of the house and things! Hopefully that will get easier.

I guess I need to get through each day and keep surviving. It just gets so tiring you know? Mentally and physically. I hate wishing the days away too as baby is so cute and I know I won't get these days again... but I just bloody hate the newborn baby stage

It just feels like a huge up hill battle right now as I'm in that newborn relentless cycle with a demanding (pretty naughty) toddler thrown in. My confidence is rock bottom!!!

I actually own a Rockit so I'll dig it out. It didn't work when toddler was a baby but I should try it again. Also I haven't resorted to driving yet, @Fallible but I do like the idea of listening to some tunes and actually getting time to myself... If only toddler would also fall asleep or stay amused at least. Maybe I should try it one day, although I don't know where I'd drive to

@Howtotameyourtoddler you're in the thick of it too, huh? It's so tough isn't it. I couldn't really imagine how hard it would be despite friends telling me they struggled... I struggled with a newborn first time round but now I realise having 1 newborn is most certainly easier than a newborn AND a toddler. xx

I have few memories sorry to say! You just muddle on through (mine was 17months and a newborn) You have to accept that the newborn will get zero attention compared to how your first was treated.

Re naps though. You MUST make it work for the newborn. Personally I prioritised his naps over his sisters. I didn't go to any baby groups with older one during a nap time. Keep newborn up ONLY for 90mins and then whack straight back down, in moses, in a darkened room with white noise playing. I can't remember who told me the magic 90mins but I literally had a timer on. Newborn settled into that routine very very quickly. Whitenoise is your friend (just youtube on a laptop is fine) Google 4th trimester.

Your child is a toddler so I would whack them in the bath if they're getting grouchy! Just let them play with water. Or an IKEA bag with bubbles in or something.

I'd see if you could try a different sling tbh - maybe contact a sling library near you.

My youngest basically lived in there for months during the days. She had the cuddles, and could feed in there whenever she wanted, and I could still do all the regular toddler stuff like crafts and going to the park. That meant she didn't get frustrated and both of their needs could be met. 8w is very early to declare they don't work for your baby, given how much easier they could make your life.

I personally found things for a lot tougher after about 9m when both were mobile, but that was probably because with sling use she wasn't really much effort (in the day, lol) until that point. Things will change though, for better or worse or just different, and you'll find a rythmn.

@UKmumtobe you can do it 👏👏👏 it was tough and I got through it just like others. Kids are nearly 6.5 and 9 and guess what I've got a 7 month old, those tough times didn't put me off 😂 although it is much easier third time round. Make sure you eat just to give yourself the energy to power through.

Yeah another vote for white noise here. I found the "sound sleeper" app and played it on an old tablet. I used it more at bedtime but it should work for naps too.

My youngest just turned 2 and it all feels like a distant memory now, so don't worry this stage does pass and it gets so much easier x

I think I'd focus on baby's sleepy cues –not every baby falls in the standard wake windows. DD's wake windows have always been long (and her first one of the day the longest, not the shortest), and the standardly recommended routines were just recipes for frustration. If I followed her cues instead and learnt her windows, she'd go off pretty easily most of the time (although pram, bouncer, or on me were still her favourite places for a nap).

Do you have a bouncer you can bounce with your foot? Then you could still do books, puzzles, colouring, etc. with your toddler whilst settling baby.

Will baby stay sleep in a stationary pram once asleep? I know you didn't have the energy to face a play park yesterday, but a walk to a play park might be an option other days. Or walk to feed the ducks, see the trains at the train station, go to the woods to go on a bear hunt/look for the gruffalo/etc.?

This is such a hard time! You have my sympathies

FWIW I found things got much easier once the baby hit 11 weeks and settled down a bit.

I also got a buggy board for the pram which made it more fun for the toddler and meant he wasn't sitting down so much.

Yeah, tough days. It gets better when the baby gets to 6 months, and MUCH better once baby gets to 12 months. In the meantime, hang in there!! It's all about filling the minutes. I spent as much time as possible outside at that stage (well wrapped up, with waterproof trousers on the toddler and a pile of snacks under the pram. Toddler rode a balance bike and I had a scarf to loop over the handlebars like a tow-rope for the hills/when close to traffic/when he was in rebellion. It was exhausting but it passed eventually and now I look back fondly on that era... 😂

I tried to get that first nap of the day right and then I found DC2 wasn't as overtired for the rest of the day - on nursery days I'd get straight home, get a cuppa and sit with him on my lap while I completed Netflix, on non nursery days we'd be out the door for a walk to the park or in the car driving to a far away supermarket!

It does get easier though but it's tough when you're in the thick of it

Thanks everyone I just really am struggling and feel so miserable that I can't get baby to sleep anywhere at home . Toddler acts up the more and more I try to get him to sleep so nobody is winning and I'm constantly on the verge of tears and get very angry at toddler which isn't fair on her.

He's been awake since 2:30 and it's 5:15. Nothing is working to get him to sleep and I was deliberately out of the house for 3 hours today for him to at least nap once. I can't go out again and it's toddlers dinner time anyway.

@CoastalWave maybe you had a baby that self settled but if I put baby down even with white noise swaddled and dark room. He'd scream and scream?? Doesn't matter if I stick to recommended wake windows or not.

Babies pick up on your stress though to be honest. I know it's hard. You get to decide. Let him cry for a little bit, it won't harm him! It's really not good for a baby to be awake all day - he's clearly overtired.

Have you got anyone to help you?

You sound like you need help take it if it's on offer. I had to cope on my own but if there is someone, it's better to get someone else round to give you a break. Have you googled 4th trimester?

My heart goes out to you. Dd2 was born last Christmas and dd1 was 2 January. Dh is a farmer, I am extremely isolated and thought I was going to break.

I have zero help and we were in lockdown but there is zero nursery anyway. I would have to find my posts as have name changed but I was in a very bad way. BAby then got colic as well.

Anyway, what's your set up? I appealed on FB for old prams. So I had one in house. One in car, and one for farm.

My toddler completely ignored baby other than to cry at lack of attention. I have zero photos of them together. This Christmas, I got the first one! I don't even care anymore, because I have had to just accept it was really hard.

Sling never worked for me either. A rocker sometimes did, in terms of moving baby room to room for bath and tea. I had to introduce a combination feed, first thing morning, after lunch and bed. BF rest of time.

Does toddler still nap? If so focus your day on that. So big BF baby feed at that point. And then evenings.

I did mornings out walking, or dragging myself, to get everyone air. Lunch and then toddler nap, straight out for another walk, tea, bath play bed.

I tried to cling to a semi routine, but the screaming, it's so so hard.

I take it you have considered things like
Dummy
Dairy
Early teeth?
Colic?

I had success with:

Dummy
Baby in the sling as much as possible (Hands free for toddler)
White noise and the baby sleeping in a different room in the day
Toddler groups
Tv- lots of
A million pounds worth of stickers
Extra bottles