I’m 28 and not ready for a baby - will my time come?

[daisy10935]

I’m 28 (nearly 29), in a stable relationship and with a flourishing career and my own home, but I just don’t feel ready to start a family. All my friends have children, but I just haven’t had the urge at all! I love babies and I love them being around, but I feel no real need to have one myself.

I’m hoping I wake up one day soon and I think it’s a good idea (I have always wanted children), but I feel like I am slowly running out of time. I also have PCOS which will make it harder to conceive.

Are there any other late bloomers on here that can give me some advice? I know 28 isn’t old but time soon flies by!

I was exactly the same. Stable relationship, own home, good job and had no desire whatsoever to have a child. I was having a ball, great social life, a lot of travel. I just wasn't ready to have a baby. I had dd at 39 and that was perfect for me. I didn't have the worry of PCOS though.

28 is no age, you are virtually a baby yourself! I know it massively varies from social group to group, but in my circle very few people had babies before 30 and very many had them into late 30s/early 40s including those who ended up with second families after the breakdown of relationships with their older kids parents. I would say you can definitely take it easy for a few years yet, enjoy and improve your home, spend lots of time on hobbies, social life, focus on your career, take amazing holidays, children are such a drain on your time, independence and finances that whilst of course you can do all these things with kids as well, realistically it is a long easier when you don't have them. Then see how you feel about kids in a few years, either you want them then, great go ahead, or you still don't in which case you haven't 'wasted' the years preceding in any way.

Plus this is a personal thing but I was so appreciative that when I had my DC (much older than you are now) I had really sorted myself out financially so we were able to buy in a lot of help both directly with childcare and also with things like housework, gardening etc so I didn't have to take too much of a career hit and DH and I continued to have time to ourselves as well. If we'd had kids in our 20s we just couldn't have afforded that. Others of course might want to use the money to go part-time or give up work altogether for a while, but again this needs some £££ in the bank to facilitate, so you should def think about setting up a solid savings plan, again it won't be wasted effort if you choose not to have kids as it's all an investment in the future anyway.

Equally I'd say if you never do feel that urge for a baby of your own, this is not a problem at all, quite the reverse. The planet is already overpopulated so there is no need for everyone to procreate, and you really really shouldn't bring a child into the world that you don't truly want out of a misplaced sense of duty or it just being the norm. To be totally honest I think people do do this sometimes, obviously once the kids are here you do love them so they'd wouldn't ever admit it was a mistake or say they regret their choice but I do think it happens. It is hard raising small children and both parents really need that background strong desire to be a parent/have kids to see them through the rough times IMO or you'll just end up resenting them. There's loads of ways to enjoy the company of kids without having to have your own such as babysitting for your friends and family, being a godparent or fun Aunty and take them for lots of days out and treats, maybe volunteering with children?

But as I say, no need to decide now. Ultimately I suppose you'll need to discuss your feelings with your partner, it will be hard if he really does want kids of his own and you don't, but then he will need to make a choice. Luckily men don't really have the pressing biological clock to the extent women do so so long as you are honest with him about your ambivalence I don't see the issue. Good luck!

I’ve been with my husband since I was 21 and I never felt ready. My family and friends never understood, as on paper my husband and I should have had kids a while ago (stable home, stable careers, happy marriage etc). Once I got to 32 i got my head round it a bit more as time did seem so be running out. It was a kind of now or never thing. We went for it and got pregnant and I had her when I was 32.

I’m glad I waited. I had loads of lush holidays and nights out etc so when baby came I was ready to have a quieter time.
I would say I found the adjustment to motherhood hard having only had to look after myself for nearly 33 years. I would also say If you want more then one child leaving it later puts a but more pressure on.

Whatever you decide will be perfect good luck op x

I have PCOS and it took me 7 years of fertility treatments before I had DD. So I won't say that you have lots of time, because maybe you don't.

Anyway, it's also ok to not want a baby. You might just not get that urge and that's fine too.

You may or you may not. I was in your position at 28 and doubted I ever would have children but I got pregnant with my first at 33. My husband and I were together 12 years when he was born and we couldn't be happier now. It's not for everyone though and plenty people are very happy never having children. There's pros and cons to both choices.

I think you should reframe this as ‘what happens if I never wake up completely certain that now is the time to have a child?’ In that situation, do you think you’d be happier taking the plunge anyway or would you prefer to remain a family of 2? Both are completely valid options.

I don’t think you necessarily need to decide this now (28 is young), but I wouldn’t put of thinking about this for ages (especially if there is an issue that may affect your fertility). I think a lot of women these days have a child despite not being absolute ready or certain - generally, women have much more rich and exciting lives/careers then our mothers and grandmothers were afforded and it never quite feels like the right time. What you don’t want to do though is decide to have a child much later in life, then struggle and regret it.

I had a termination at 28 due to contraceptive failure (was married at the time!) as I just didn't feel ready and it wasn't my time. So what you're feeling is completely normal! You may have them in the future, you may not. I think 28 is still very young in this day and age.

You are such a baby yourself! Fwiw at 28 i wanted no kids. Then 29/30 wanted loads haha. Have a nearly 4yo and 2 yo now (age 35)

I was the same, didn't feel like I wanted kids until I was about 36 x

I had no urge at all until my early 30's and plenty of my friends were late 30's. But, I always knew that I wanted children at some point, just not the timing.

So if you're not sure, the bigger question perhaps is how does your partner feel about having children? If he (presuming it's a male) definitely wants children,you should tell him now as you both have the right to choose a partner who has the same life goals.

If you're both ambivalent, that's great, it may/may not happen. If it's a dealbreaker for him, it's best to sort it out now.

Sorry, just reread the OP and you do want children! You're just not ready yet - wait a bit longer then.

I’m currently 26 weeks pregnant and will turn 37 shortly after she’s born. I never felt that drive to have kids that all my friends talk about, I don’t go crazy over babies and I still think I’m not ready 😂 but here I am, finally off the fence. To be off the fence is a relief in itself and I am excited as well as scared, but I do think I would have been happy with my life had we decided to stay childfree. It just would have had different adventures in it

We are only having one and part of that decision is age-related (my husband will be 44 when our baby is born). We always knew that if we did decide to have a child we would only have one, which gave us a bit more time to decide I think!

Had my first at 31, wasn’t planned either but I think it was a good age, I doubt I would’ve been able to cope if I had her any younger tbh!

At 28 neither I nor any of my friends or colleagues wanted to have a baby. Wait and see how you feel at 30. I got to a point I was "noticing" pregnant women and no longer thinking "yuk"!!

Now 43, have 11yo and younger ds.

I also know people who leave it really late like 40... plus. Sounds like you'd be best to get on with it in your early 30s if you have PCOS.

If you've always wanted children how will you feel in your later 30s and 40s when everyone else is in the thick of child rearing? It does have its upsides as well as being hard work!

I was the same at 28, couldn't think of anything worse, I was enjoying my life. That had changed by 30 and went on to have my DS. You have got loads of time just enjoy yourself

I never felt ready. Had my first at 35 because I knew I wanted a family at some point, and felt like I was running out of time.

We both talk about having children but like it’s a long time in the future - it’s really nice to know that other people felt the same, particularly when everyone else seems to be having babies (and the constant questions from family!)

Fingers crossed one day I’ll wake up and feel ready. For now I think it’s still time to focus on my career and enjoy my sleep!

Why do you have to have babies though ? I like kids, but I wouldn't risk my physical and mental health to have one, even if I got broody. Broodiness really shouldn't be a reason to have kids anyway because it's an instinct like being horny, not a thought out plan.

As for family, you don't have to have babies to make a family. Families can come in many forms. Consider whether there might be another path for you. Not everyone has to walk the same road in life.

Honestly felt exactly the same at 28, am now 31 with a 4 month old boy.

My DP was always open to it but I wanted to wait (exotic holidays etc) - i think I literally decided I was ready overnight and booked to get implant out shortly after!

The lockdown and realisation that holidays were on hold definitely contributed, but I think would have had the desire even without that.

One of my main motivations was family members getting older so wanted them to have a good bit of time with grandchildren/great nephew. Also basically stopped drinking when I was 29 so was never fussed about nights out etc.

I didn’t really get a broody feeling or know that the “time was right, ” I was a disorganized idiot! We moved house, I ran out of my contraceptive and hadn’t registered with a new doctor …and hey presto, DD was on the way.🤣

Tbh though, the surprise made it easier as we couldn’t worry or overthink it, we were just delighted.
I was 30 (31 when she was born) and we’d been together several years so I knew we’d be fine. If I’d been more organized, we’d probably have waited at least a couple more years.

@Pinkbonbon

Why do you have to have babies though ? I like kids, but I wouldn't risk my physical and mental health to have one, even if I got broody. Broodiness really shouldn't be a reason to have kids anyway because it's an instinct like being horny, not a thought out plan.

As for family, you don't have to have babies to make a family. Families can come in many forms. Consider whether there might be another path for you. Not everyone has to walk the same road in life.

@Pinkbonbon. The OP absolutely doesn’t need to have children, of course, but she and her partner have already agreed that they do want them.

If she’s no longer sure about having children, that’s a different issue and she needs to be honest with her partner about this. It may be a dealbreaker for him.

I had my first at 31.
We'd talk about babies but for me it was never right time. Once I was hppy in my job maybe. Once we had a house etc. Married... etc

I think I was terrified!

Shortly after I got married my period was really late and I thought i was pregnant. Then when I wasn't I felt gutted rather than relieved.

So at that point we scrapped the condoms and carried on. We'd been together 8 years at that point! Early pandemic.. baby news!

I knew I wanted children but always 'in 5 years time'. At age 25 I realised I'd been saying that for years so changed it to 'by the time I'm 30'. Had DC1 aged 29 and DC2 aged 32. I never felt ready, figured I probably never would so just pulled the trigger before I got too old

You can only do what you think it right for you.

28 is no age, you are virtually a baby yourself

28 isn't a baby! Op if you're sure you want kids then why not give yourself a time limit, ie. you want one by age 32 for example?

I had my DD age 37.
It never even occurred to me until around age 35 tbh - I had a full life.
I knew that my age may have been a factor with how lucky we would be when we decided to try - but we made peace with rejigging the simpsons qupte 'Three kids and no money? Why cant I have no kids and free/three money?!' with 'We can have one kid and some money or no kids and lots of money'! Silly but it helped us come to terms with we could be happy with either scenario.
I did start to get more broody once we decided, bit I do wonder how much of that was factored with the feeling I was getting older, I had older family members passing on and a need to somehow keep family traditions going.