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Original poster

Mother guilt believing I caused my son's autism and speech delay

44 replies

Workinmom · 14/01/2022 00:37

Hi Everyone,

I have deep guilt because I'm convinced I'm responsible for my son's autism and speech delay. Just things that happened while pregnant like catching the flu at 11 weeks (I didn't get the flu jab), being induced at 38 weeks, getting antibiotics during childbirth, and being a vegetarian while pregnant/breastfeeding.

I know autism is complex and I'll never have answers about what caused it, but just wondered if any other parents out there have these occasional pangs of guilt when you're struggling to sleep at night. Just seeking solidarity I guess...

OP posts:
ASDmum2 · 14/01/2022 00:47

Oh dear, I share your pain.

I think genetics play a much bigger role than environmental factors, which for me only increases the guilt I feel over my kids' autism and associated conditions. I feel guilty for passing on my traits, which have made life difficult for them. Love them to bits but life is a struggle in lots of ways.

What can we do though? Just plough on and hope to do our best by our kids Flowers

Sonex · 14/01/2022 00:49

being vegetarian?

I have been vegetarian since I was 13 and have 4 NT son's.

elelel · 14/01/2022 01:00

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DinosaurOfFire · 14/01/2022 01:02

Nothing you did or didn't do during pregnancy or childbirth could have caused autism. It either is, or isn't, present. The same with your sons speech delay
it isn't your fault at all. It just is. How old is your son? If it helps, (I realise it may not) I personally know 2 autistic boys who were speech delayed and now at 6 and 7 are beginning to communicate using speech. Prior to this, they were able to communicate in different ways using PECS cards and gestures.

I have one diagnosed autistic child, and 2 who are waiting for assessment. I found out 3ish years ago that I am also autistic. DH is probably autistic too. So our kids have inherited it from at least one of us, probably both! I don't feel guilty about ASD running in our family- yes my kids have their difficulties and struggles, I won't minimise that, our life is centred around meeting their needs in a way that parents of neurotypical kids seem not to have to do, but they are also unique, quirky, joyful kids and thanks to our adaptations the good times far outweigh the bad times.

LovelyYellowLabrador · 14/01/2022 01:06

You didn’t cause this and it’s certainly not your fault
Flowers

DinosaurOfFire · 14/01/2022 01:06

Where I wrote, "Its not your fault. It just is" it should read "It just is the case that your son is autistic". I wish there was an edit function!

MissM2912 · 14/01/2022 01:08

What possible evidence do you have that any of the things you listed cause autism? They don’t.

5zeds · 14/01/2022 01:09

I have twins, one speech delayed and disordered and autistic, and one not. If it was gestational or food based how would that be possible?

He has his own life to lead with its own difficulties and joys. You get to watch and help. It is not less.

There is no sense in it and it is huge, but you are not the only family and it will be ok.

Original poster
Workinmom · 14/01/2022 01:15

@elelel

Message deleted by MNHQ
Who am I offending? You? My brother and mother are vegan and I am vegetarian so please hold your tongue and put your personal agenda aside here. Your response is a reflection of your own issues, not something I have said. Are you a parent of an autistic child? Are you a vegetarian? Well I am both of those things so I have a right to put my guilt out there.

And you are wrong, the other parents have given supportive responses and solidarity. Your nasty response is the last thing I needed tonight.

OP posts:
elelel · 14/01/2022 01:18

Who am I offending? You? My brother and mother are vegan and I am vegetarian so please hold your tongue and put your personal agenda aside here.

My DD is a vegetarian, I don't get your point here? I have nothing against vegetarians. Also; you don't get to tell anyone to 'hold their tongue'

Your response is a reflection of your own issues, not something I have said.

Issues? I'm not the one guilting myself here.

Are you a parent of an autistic child?

2 as it happens. I'm also autistic myself.

Are you a vegetarian? Well I am both of those things so I have a right to put my guilt out there.

My point was you don't need to feel guilty, because your reasoning is ridiculous. If you even did a bit of basic research you would see that.

CiaoForDiNiaoSaur · 14/01/2022 01:19

You aren't to blame at all. Your DS is autistic because he's autistic. That's it.

But deep down I suspect you know that. "Mummy guilt" is very real. I often lay awake at night blaming myself for all kinds of nonsense. Be gentle with yourself. Flowers

LovelyYellowLabrador · 14/01/2022 01:23

Weird thing is with these types of things

Your logical Brain knows you are not to blame
Your illogical brain tell you, you are for all sorts of crazy nonsensical reasons

And that can apply to anything that happens that makes life more challenging in whatever way
Not just related to being autistic

Original poster
Workinmom · 14/01/2022 01:25

@DinosaurOfFire

Nothing you did or didn't do during pregnancy or childbirth could have caused autism. It either is, or isn't, present. The same with your sons speech delay it isn't your fault at all. It just is. How old is your son? If it helps, (I realise it may not) I personally know 2 autistic boys who were speech delayed and now at 6 and 7 are beginning to communicate using speech. Prior to this, they were able to communicate in different ways using PECS cards and gestures.

I have one diagnosed autistic child, and 2 who are waiting for assessment. I found out 3ish years ago that I am also autistic. DH is probably autistic too. So our kids have inherited it from at least one of us, probably both! I don't feel guilty about ASD running in our family- yes my kids have their difficulties and struggles, I won't minimise that, our life is centred around meeting their needs in a way that parents of neurotypical kids seem not to have to do, but they are also unique, quirky, joyful kids and thanks to our adaptations the good times far outweigh the bad times.

Thank you for such a kind and thoughtful response.

My son is 3.5 and he is getting much better with hard work but I know he will always struggle with learning. And as you say, even though it is challenging and we have to adapt in ways perhaps parents of neurotypical kids may not have to, the good times certainly outweigh the bad.

May I ask what prompted you to get an adult autism diagnosis? I've read a lot about that recently from parents of ASD kids and it's something I'm considering too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Workinmom · 14/01/2022 01:27

@ASDmum2

Oh dear, I share your pain.

I think genetics play a much bigger role than environmental factors, which for me only increases the guilt I feel over my kids' autism and associated conditions. I feel guilty for passing on my traits, which have made life difficult for them. Love them to bits but life is a struggle in lots of ways.

What can we do though? Just plough on and hope to do our best by our kids Flowers

You are spot on. Thank you for your heartfelt response.
OP posts:
DropYourSword · 14/01/2022 01:27

@elelel

Message deleted by MNHQ
Jesus Christ @elelel - there’s no need for being so unpleasant. Clearly the OP is hurting. Of course absolutely nothing she’s done has “caused” her child’s autism but it is t stopping her from feeling horribly guilty. Many parents feel awful I warranted guilt about things. She needs gentle help, support and a friendly ear. If you can’t provide that why not just keep quiet and scroll on.
elelel · 14/01/2022 01:30

If you can’t provide that why not just keep quiet and scroll on.

It's probably the autism, but I take your point. I just read it with a WTF, because seriously? Of course these things don't cause autism. You are indeed correct I should have said nothing.

Sorry OP.

TyneTeas · 14/01/2022 01:31

Regardless of what you may or may not have caused, you can only move forward and deal with what there is

TyneTeas · 14/01/2022 01:34

I am not for a moment saying you have caused, just that questioning what difference it makes in the nicest possible way it remains what it is.

Original poster
Workinmom · 14/01/2022 01:35

@elelel

Who am I offending? You? My brother and mother are vegan and I am vegetarian so please hold your tongue and put your personal agenda aside here.

My DD is a vegetarian, I don't get your point here? I have nothing against vegetarians. Also; you don't get to tell anyone to 'hold their tongue'

Your response is a reflection of your own issues, not something I have said.

Issues? I'm not the one guilting myself here.

Are you a parent of an autistic child?

2 as it happens. I'm also autistic myself.

Are you a vegetarian? Well I am both of those things so I have a right to put my guilt out there.

My point was you don't need to feel guilty, because your reasoning is ridiculous. If you even did a bit of basic research you would see that.

Even though I find you highly offensive, and even though I have done more in-depth (I don't do basic) research than you can imagine, that generalised statement (and the seemingly genetic component with you) is reassuring in a strange way. And as mothers of kids with ASD who are up this late at night for whatever reason, we should be supporting each other not calling each other ridiculous.
OP posts:
Original poster
Workinmom · 14/01/2022 01:36

@elelel

If you can’t provide that why not just keep quiet and scroll on.

It's probably the autism, but I take your point. I just read it with a WTF, because seriously? Of course these things don't cause autism. You are indeed correct I should have said nothing.

Sorry OP.

That's ok. Being a parent is hard. Being a parent of ASD kids makes it harder.
OP posts:
Original poster
Workinmom · 14/01/2022 01:37

@TyneTeas

I am not for a moment saying you have caused, just that questioning what difference it makes in the nicest possible way it remains what it is.
You are spot on. Just one of those late night things after a tough day where the brain is ticking over
OP posts:
Original poster
Workinmom · 14/01/2022 01:39

@LovelyYellowLabrador

Weird thing is with these types of things

Your logical Brain knows you are not to blame
Your illogical brain tell you, you are for all sorts of crazy nonsensical reasons

And that can apply to anything that happens that makes life more challenging in whatever way
Not just related to being autistic

Beautifully put... And spot on.
OP posts:
Original poster
Workinmom · 14/01/2022 01:43

@CiaoForDiNiaoSaur

You aren't to blame at all. Your DS is autistic because he's autistic. That's it.

But deep down I suspect you know that. "Mummy guilt" is very real. I often lay awake at night blaming myself for all kinds of nonsense. Be gentle with yourself. Flowers

Thank you so much. Omg I needed to hear that. And we feel guilty for so much, but the fact that we are lying awake at night and care so much is what matters.
OP posts:
MCMelon · 14/01/2022 01:43

Here's some solidarity. I hate myself as I had to have IVf, had a breakdown during my pregnancy, had to take antidepressants and my son is autistic. I blame myself every single second of the day. What if I could have conceived naturally? What if I was stronger? What if I hadn't have taken that medication? I hate to think that my boy is going to struggle more than others in life, it actually breaks my heart. I understand.

Original poster
Workinmom · 14/01/2022 01:47

@5zeds

I have twins, one speech delayed and disordered and autistic, and one not. If it was gestational or food based how would that be possible?

He has his own life to lead with its own difficulties and joys. You get to watch and help. It is not less.

There is no sense in it and it is huge, but you are not the only family and it will be ok.

Oh wow. That really does make me reconsider how I am thinking. Thank you for sharing @5zeds
OP posts:
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