Mother guilt believing I caused my son's autism and speech delay

[Workinmom]

Hi Everyone,

I have deep guilt because I'm convinced I'm responsible for my son's autism and speech delay. Just things that happened while pregnant like catching the flu at 11 weeks (I didn't get the flu jab), being induced at 38 weeks, getting antibiotics during childbirth, and being a vegetarian while pregnant/breastfeeding.

I know autism is complex and I'll never have answers about what caused it, but just wondered if any other parents out there have these occasional pangs of guilt when you're struggling to sleep at night. Just seeking solidarity I guess...

I too blamed myself for years for my sons severe autism. I had prenatal depression when pregnant with my son which caused obsessive behaviours in me and being highly stressed.i was suicidal many times during pregnancy.my son was born and he never stopped crying,he was diagnosed with Autism at 1.5. Hes severly autistic, non verbal and has severe learning disabilities.i feel all the time it was my fault for stressing,for being depressed, for crying so so much while pregnant.my logical mind knows its not likely trur but forever there will be that hint of doubt and guilt.
Give yourself grace,its not your fault. Much lovexx

@MCMelon

Here's some solidarity. I hate myself as I had to have IVf, had a breakdown during my pregnancy, had to take antidepressants and my son is autistic. I blame myself every single second of the day. What if I could have conceived naturally? What if I was stronger? What if I hadn't have taken that medication? I hate to think that my boy is going to struggle more than others in life, it actually breaks my heart. I understand.

Omg @MCMelon , I am so sorry to hear what you went through. Goodness, but you ARE so strong to get through all that. And what a lucky little boy to have a mother who loves and cares for him so much. I think lockdowns and the pandemic have given us more time to think and dwell, so hopefully when things return to normal-ish we will start to feel better and less time to feel guilty.

And as the mums on here are saying, it seems environmental plays less of a role than we realise.

@Defeatedbylife its not and never has been your fault

@Workinmom, I nearly forgot. I also wonder if it's because he was formula fed. My logical mind knows all of these things aren't true. I don't think we will ever know the cause in our lifetime.

I'm not sure if mine is or not at this stage but some thoughts have crossed my mind when he displayed some traits especially when I took anti sickness meds when pregnant as I had hg throughout my whole pregnancy and whether it was the cause for his traits. I did question whether it was the lack of pregnacare vitamins I took as it made me vomit because they were large or the tiny anti sickness medication to allow me to function just like a normal pregnant woman without vomiting 20-30 times a day. These thoughts have crossed my mind have I caused this when I notice a trait in my dc.

I do feel very guilty that I might have caused this and think sometimes I wish I just vomited instead of taking those although I took them in the second trimester. I had a very very difficult and unhappy pregnancy which caused a lot of issues in my marriage and I sometimes think whether all this unhappiness may have caused it as well but now I just read more and more that it points to genetics and it's not our fault.

@defeatedbylife sending so much love... As @MCmelon said, it is not your fault and never has been. It seems that every parent/child with ASD has such a different story, completely different backgrounds, circumstances, and experiences. Which goes to show it can't possibly be our fault. The genetic component is clearly winning here and there's nothing we can do about that. Human beings are so biologically complex...

@stayfaraway as I read the responses I am coming to the same conclusion that genetics are overwhelmingly the driving factor here and we are certainly not to blame. I'm so sorry you had such a difficult pregnancy.

[quote MCMelon]@Workinmom, I nearly forgot. I also wonder if it's because he was formula fed. My logical mind knows all of these things aren't true. I don't think we will ever know the cause in our lifetime. [/quote]
@MCMelon interesting you should say that because I can happily and very confidently report from personal experience that's not the case at all. The three kids I know who were formula fed from birth are the three most developmentally advanced kids I know. My sister, my best friend, and my NCT friend couldn't breastfeed and their kids are light-years ahead of their peers. My son was exclusively breastfed until 5 months.

So I'm afraid we have done a full circle right back to genetics, lol :-) this thread really has hammered that home for me, especially with the parents on here who are autistic and the mum who has twins with one who doesn't have autism.

I hear you @Workinmom x
I think it is so true what a pp said about the logical brain and illogical brain scenario .
I was in a very stressful relationship (to put it mildly !) with the dad and I often wonder if that had anything to do with DS's autism .

I left him when DS was 4 ( and other DS'S were 5 and 7)
It wasn't a good home .
13 years on , with me bringing them up by myself we are now in a good place .
He is "him" ...and I would not change him for the world !
We have had lots of challenges ,I am not going to lie .
But he is an amazing ,annoying,lovable,annoying 17 year old now .
He accepts his "condition" (sorry ...don't know how to put that PC ...but it is how he wants it known)

All these years later ...I still feel as you do now .
I don't think it will ever go away .
It shows we care .
He is young , so this must be a recent diagnosis ?
Give yourself time to accept .
Ps ...I ate meat every day 😅😅😅

As for the speech delay and mutism ...can't shut him up now !

Missed a bit from my post ...I often wonder if I should have left earlier than when he was 4 ...
Again illogical brain taking over !

@Bizzey I'm so sorry to hear you had such a difficult situation with your son's father. But glad to know you're in a good place now, even if it means raising him alone. What an amazing, brave mother you are.

My son is 3.5 but I suspected from when he was 6 months and then more from when his nursery and then preschool voiced their concerns. Even though I have to manage every aspect of his life in a particular way it is worth it because of the difference it makes to his happiness and development. He has been assessed by one consultant near where I live but I'm looking for further support and evaluation from one of the specialists I've seen recommended on here.

As you said with your son, my little one has some of the funniest quirks which probably take other people by surprise but I find hilarious and wouldn't change him for anything.

I said to my husband, if we lived on a deserted island with no other kids to compare and no Google, I wouldnt feel as bad because I wouldn't know how different he is, I'd just love this little ball of magic as he is. It's just that the rest of the world thinks something needs remediation, and our kids have to live in this big challenging world.

@Bizzey thanks for the meat comment, that's actually reassuring, lol

@bizzey

As for the speech delay and mutism ...can't shut him up now !

@Bizzey omg that's amazing! Lol. I'm hoping for the same thing!

@bizzey

Missed a bit from my post ...I often wonder if I should have left earlier than when he was 4 ... Again illogical brain taking over !

@Bizzey I think you did exactly the right thing at the right time. Leaving is such a huge decision that it would have needed time. My brother's girlfriend had exactly the same situation as you (left partner when son was 4 years old because they weren't getting along and it was affecting little one) and her son is now 15 and lovely. She met my brother a couple of years ago and they've formed a lovely new little family.

Op - you are not to blame. I totally understand how you feel though. I had terrible PND after DS1's birth. I blame myself all the time - that his autism and other mental health issues are the result of me not being able to bond with him as a tiny baby. He is 20 this year and I don't think the guilt will ever go.

It is just something we have to live with. I am autistic - I didn't know until a year ago and so is my DD. My middle son is absolutely neurotypical. So no rhyme or reason.

Your son is lucky to have such a lovely mum 💐

@Workinmom I was researching a lot about how to help your autistic daughter, how to understand your autistic daughter, what its like for autistic girls as children, as teens, etc and saw my whole childhood and adolescent experience laid out in text, written by someone else. All the experiences that autistic girls had- I had. Of feeling different, of learning the rules but still getting them slightly wrong, of others seeming to just know how to exist but I always felt like I was playing catch up. I watched other girls to learn how to act, and always felt like I was on the outside watching things rather than actively part of them. And a million other things too. As I read more about autistic traits, I kept having lightbulb moments of 'Oh so not everyone does that', traits which my daughter had but I hadn't spotted because I do the exact same thing. And so I did various online tests including official ones, and lots of research into autism in adult women, and then went to the Dr armed with all my evidence and was referred for diagnosis. I just really needed answers for myself, and it was like everything just clicked once I was diagnosed. Autism wasnt really diagnosed much in girls in the 80s and 90s when I was in school, I think this is common with a lot of autistic parents who were late-diagnosed and is why a lot of parents seem to be diagnosed themselves after their child is diagnosed.

Nothing you did or didn't do during pregnancy or childbirth could have caused autism.

It either is, or isn't, present.

The same with your sons speech delay

This 100%

Apparently sometimes we blame things on ourselves or imagine there was something we could have done differently to cause a different outcome as it unconsciously helps us feel more in control. But the reality is a lot of the time there's nothing we could have done to change or effect things, it's just how they are!