Pre-teen daughter and inappropriate messages

[FailingMum81]

Hi all. Please please help me. I am at my wits end and have come for advice as I really don't know what to do or where to turn. My DD is almost 13 and we have a great relationship, or so I thought. She has always told me everything, in fact many of our friends parents comment on how open and honest we all are and she knows that no topic is off bounds. She has a few social media accounts and since creation she is aware that I loosely monitor things such as messages, videos and so on and this has never been an issue. She knew I was doing this predominantly to keep her safe and ensure she wasn't being contacted/coerced by preditors of sorts. Anyway as time has gone on this checking has reduced massively because it was clear that I could trust her totally. She never did anything inappropriate, showed me messages where obvious weirdos/paedophiles had attempted to contact her and she is very clued up on reading the signs so I didn't feel I had any cause for concern. I randomly check every few months but nothing like I did. Anyway, yesterday she leaves her phone on her bed when she goes to school and as I pick it up to put it on charge on the screen flashes a picture message from a girl who she calls her best friend. They have a bizarre relationship - this girl cuts her off in school holidays etc and claims people aren't allowed to her house and she isn't allowed out. I have always discouraged this friendship as this girl is quite rude, uses unpleasant language etc and that just isn't my daughter....or so I thought! I click on the message thinking it will be a joke or similar and come across a few months worth of the most disgusting messages I have ever seen. I actually was physically sick but pulled myself together to look through a few. This is nothing new and we have always had the agreement that I will or could look at her phone at any time. Anyway....I don't know what to do about these messages....they are sexual in nature, dirty, disgusting and inappropriate for a 12 year old, aside from the fact that apparently she is a lesbian now which again has never been mentioned before. The other girl is telling her what she should and shouldn't wear to go shopping, out with friends and stuff and that she can't wear make up and then basically blackmailing her into sending her tiktok videos of her dancing and stuff saying if she doesnt she will hurt herself etc. Now my daughter is just as much a part of it and is responding in the same manner but I just don't know where to turn. I have clearly failed totally at being a mum, the other girl mentions me alot in these messages taking the mick out of me,calling me an idiot etc and how she wants me out of my daughters life and she will take her away etc. I honestly can't say how out of character this is. We are a normal working family, have always had great relationship and been honest about everything. I can't believe I have failed so so badly.....what on earth do I do now.....please please help 🙏🙏

Sounds like this friendship is really unhealthy. I would be having a frank discussion with DD about how worried you are but not from a position of anger. For my own DS who is 13 I would probably either get him to block the child on everything or if he kicked back agains that then take the phone for a while so he could reflect. I'd also speak to the school so they could support in splitting them up if they were in the same tutor group for example.
Ultimately it's difficult to stop a friendship at that age but you can stop the messaging.

You don't say whether she's a school friend - are you sure this is another child she's talking to?

Sounds like she's had far too much freedom. Only checking every few months? 12 is too young. Take the phone off her for a while.

Are you sure it’s a child? How do you know? Seek support from your school safeguarding team. They will have experience dealing with this sort of thing and may have interventions for children who have fallen into traps online/behaved inappropriately.

Have you met this child?
I’d speak to your daughter first then the parents of the other girl

Hi all thanks so much for replies. Just to update....yes I know this is definitely this girl, we have met numerous times and I have taken her for days out etc so have no concern about it being someone else.

If the other child is a pupil at your DCs school you should go to the safeguarding lead and request a meeting. They should know exactly how to handle this, it's a serious matter. Do not reproduce or forward any of the messages if they are explicit.

You have a good relationship with your daughter so time for a good conversation with her about how these messages make her feel, she doesn't have to be coerced into videos, would she like you to do anything (e.g. at school, with the girls parent), if not discuss if she would like to distance herself and how, etc, talk it through

You could suggest DD tells the girl that her mum (you) has said she must block the girl and no longer message. You can take the "bogeyman" role to save DD's face. After all it's no different to the girl cutting her off in the hols.

(The cutting off in the hols and the inappropriate content makes me worry that not all is well in the girl's home)

Sorry one more update....I also haven't told my husband yet. I really don't know how he will cope with it and if he sees the messages I don't think he will able to look at DD the same way again. I don't want this to tarnish/ruin their relationship but guess I will have to broach it with him at some point :,(

I thought exactly the same re something at home @chillied. In fact when she has told me stories about her in the past I have offered to speak to her parents etc as she definitely has some issues but is extremely intelligent and top of all classes etc at school so I am also concerned that this will be all turned around on DD - particularly by school

If she’s at your dd’s school then they definitely need to be informed.

And this is why children should not have unlimited access to the internet!
You’ve assumed far too much that she’s mature enough to have social media - what age do these apps she’s using say their users should be?
Anyway, what’s done is done. Obviously you need to tell her father - keeping this from him is a terrible idea. You both need to sit down with her and talk about how inappropriate these conversations are, and how the other child is showing coercive behaviour. You also need to speak to school as there may well be repercussions from this other child. Obviously her phone use needs to be monitored daily from now on, she’s likely to kick off about this but it has to be a non negotiable.

You've learned that teens are crafty. My daughter always says'you know I tell you everything mum' . Last week I discovered she has a boyfriend. They don't tell you everything. Fact. Plus if you're not willing to be open and discuss it with your husband then you're maybe not the kind of family you wish you were.

Thanks all for your replies. All taken on board. I feel I need to totally remove all methods of social media/communication but not too sure how we would then handle keeping in touch with her normal day to day friends who she hangs out with and who come for tea etc :/ @camperqueen54 it's not that I am not willing to discuss it with him but I know it will totally break his heart. I'm a bit more of a tough cookie so am trying to take it on the chin, I think it will break him so all I meant was that I need to find the best way and time to speak to him about it. I know he will be mortified

@camperqueen54

You've learned that teens are crafty. My daughter always says'you know I tell you everything mum' . Last week I discovered she has a boyfriend. They don't tell you everything. Fact. Plus if you're not willing to be open and discuss it with your husband then you're maybe not the kind of family you wish you were.

Yes agreed teenagers can be crafty, have secret relationships etc. But 12 year olds sending extremely explicit messages to eachother? That's not just being crafty, that's far too early to be doing that sort of thing. I would be locking down all social media and only allowing her to use the phone under strict supervision tbh.

Goodness how upsetting

I agree with the poster who recommended taking this to the safeguarding lead at school. They can advise how parents (and the other girl) should be tackled.

Your priority is your DD, I’d sit her down and say that she’s not in trouble, but that you are really really concerned and does she understand why?

Are they sending these sexual messages to one another, as in they are in a relationship? If so, and these messages are controlling, it sounds as though she is being coerced into this behaviour by this girl. I'd be really careful in how this is beached as she is very young and is clearly vulnerable and confused.

I'd remove her from that school too, I feel she is being bullied into this behaviour almost, frightened to upset the girl. X

I have to say that if that was my daughter I would ban her from seeing the other child and go so far as to remove her from the school if necessary

Did you really think she was being completely and fully open with you about her social media activity??
She’s 12. She shouldn’t even have social media accounts.
Damage is done now though. Don’t envy you trying to sort it.

I’m so sorry OP. You must be so upset.

I would request a meeting today with the safeguarding lead. I’d request a meeting with everyone actually.

I would delete all social media from her phone. In fact the phone would go. There are smart phones you can buy for children that only support WhatsApp, nothing more. No little girl (& 12yr olds are little girls) needs social media. Your daughter will not loose touch with her friends.

I would block this girls number and I would visit her home, show her parents the messages and inform the child she is never to speak to your daughter again.

I say this as I know I would not be concerned about that other girl. It’s not your job to hold emotional space to be concerned about her. Focus on your child. You can sort this out. I really feel for you.

@FailingMum81

Thanks all for your replies. All taken on board. I feel I need to totally remove all methods of social media/communication but not too sure how we would then handle keeping in touch with her normal day to day friends who she hangs out with and who come for tea etc :/ *@camperqueen54* it's not that I am not willing to discuss it with him but I know it will totally break his heart. I'm a bit more of a tough cookie so am trying to take it on the chin, I think it will break him so all I meant was that I need to find the best way and time to speak to him about it. I know he will be mortified

Hi OP. So sorry you're going through this.

Does your DD have an iPhone? If you set up family sharing, you can have parental access of her phone from yours. That means you can put usage limits on certain apps e.g she can only access snapchat for 4 hours a day. You can also block certain people, so she's unable to contact this particular child, but can still contact you and other friends. It has far stricter uses too - essentially you can "take their phones" but leave them with some capability to contact you in an emergency.

@cherrytreecottage thank you - yes she does and my husband does, mine is android. I think that would be a good route to take if we decide to allow her to keep it at all - at the moment it feels like I need to remove it altogether but am just concerned about the impact that may have on other normal friendships. Whether I like it or not it seems that a large proportion of contact of this generation is via mobile in some context, but really appreciate the info on other options. Would setting up family sharing also allow constant access to normal messages too as well as via things such as instragram?

Taking social media off her and being more proactive about checking her phone. I'd just take the phone off her for now. I don't think it's a good idea. Too much too young. Speaking to school is also necessary and get them to speak to the girls parents about the explicit messages as they deserve to know in case they are a good family and will deal with it.

I think this is dating in the modern world. I don't like it. At 13 children were having sex when I were a lass, so not surprising its still happening and moved online. Also being gay is a big trend now. Treat it as good that you've found out so you can control sleep overs, be more wary that friendships are relationships etc.

I personally think her dad deserves to know but I think he needs to get a grip as his dd is growing up whether he likes it or not and how he react now is going to shape her, possibly damaging. I think keep to the "this is not appropriate, you are too young and clearly not trustworthy". Don't attach shame to it.

Don't assume this is the other girls fault. It sounds like an equal contribution from your dd.

Thank you @AgathaMystery - yes am on it today. Have emailed school already to ask that the SG lead get in touch today so I can at least have the first conversation and then will be armed with all the info before I tell hubs when he gets home.
@lynntheyresexswappers yes it almost does appear a bit relationship like. DD is definitely playing her part so its hard to tell whether it is controlling or not - there are some obvious controlling elements such as the other one telling her not to wear make up, she should only wear baggy clothes, she refers to a necklace that she bought her at christmas and says she must not take it off as that shows that DD is her property - and things such as this - but DD is almost going along with it all and kind of doing as she is told - it certainly doesnt seem she is putting up much resistance as the other girl will just say do this or do that and DD is then doing it - Im struggling with the boundaries between coercion and willing going along with something. I know that when I speak to DD she will say she is more than willing and wasnt convinced to do any of it - but then the other side of the coin is that do people really know/recognise if they have been coerced into something. If it was an adult conversation where someone was telling their girlfriend not to wear make up, what to wear and so on then it would be an instant red flag to that relationship but this isnt an adult convo and I think DD just desperately wants a best friend that relies on her.