Pre-teen daughter and inappropriate messages

[FailingMum81]

Hi all. Please please help me. I am at my wits end and have come for advice as I really don't know what to do or where to turn. My DD is almost 13 and we have a great relationship, or so I thought. She has always told me everything, in fact many of our friends parents comment on how open and honest we all are and she knows that no topic is off bounds. She has a few social media accounts and since creation she is aware that I loosely monitor things such as messages, videos and so on and this has never been an issue. She knew I was doing this predominantly to keep her safe and ensure she wasn't being contacted/coerced by preditors of sorts. Anyway as time has gone on this checking has reduced massively because it was clear that I could trust her totally. She never did anything inappropriate, showed me messages where obvious weirdos/paedophiles had attempted to contact her and she is very clued up on reading the signs so I didn't feel I had any cause for concern. I randomly check every few months but nothing like I did. Anyway, yesterday she leaves her phone on her bed when she goes to school and as I pick it up to put it on charge on the screen flashes a picture message from a girl who she calls her best friend. They have a bizarre relationship - this girl cuts her off in school holidays etc and claims people aren't allowed to her house and she isn't allowed out. I have always discouraged this friendship as this girl is quite rude, uses unpleasant language etc and that just isn't my daughter....or so I thought! I click on the message thinking it will be a joke or similar and come across a few months worth of the most disgusting messages I have ever seen. I actually was physically sick but pulled myself together to look through a few. This is nothing new and we have always had the agreement that I will or could look at her phone at any time. Anyway....I don't know what to do about these messages....they are sexual in nature, dirty, disgusting and inappropriate for a 12 year old, aside from the fact that apparently she is a lesbian now which again has never been mentioned before. The other girl is telling her what she should and shouldn't wear to go shopping, out with friends and stuff and that she can't wear make up and then basically blackmailing her into sending her tiktok videos of her dancing and stuff saying if she doesnt she will hurt herself etc. Now my daughter is just as much a part of it and is responding in the same manner but I just don't know where to turn. I have clearly failed totally at being a mum, the other girl mentions me alot in these messages taking the mick out of me,calling me an idiot etc and how she wants me out of my daughters life and she will take her away etc. I honestly can't say how out of character this is. We are a normal working family, have always had great relationship and been honest about everything. I can't believe I have failed so so badly.....what on earth do I do now.....please please help 🙏🙏

Thank you @lisaandalan I desperately dont want to leave the school if we can help it. She was thriving there up until a couple of months ago, I think that is probably what prompted me to look at her phone again, so if we can avoid that I would really like to - but will have to do that if there ends up being no other way forward I think. The messages dont feel bullied, there isnt times when she is responding where she sounds threatened - but as I mentioned above, its really hard to tell the line between coercion or willing involvement and thats where safeguarding will have to come in and help me I think. Appreciate your reply very much :) x

I just wanted to say that I empathise with the difficulties you are feeling with approaching your husband about this; I don’t think it is any reflection on the type of family “you think you are”…it is simply a fact that navigating a child’s journey from small child into adolescent is difficult at the best of times, let alone being confronted at this age with very sexually explicit messaging. I think most people would find this uncomfortable especially as her dad will not be expecting it.

Thank you @Youngatheart00 @flippertyop - taking all on board and beginning tackling today. Thank you @ZenNudist, definitely not blaming the other child for it all at all, they are both doing it and responding equally, it does seem to be the other girl that is doing the more controlling element though - commenting on what to wear etc but in relation to the other messages then yes they are just as bad as each other. I agreed actually thinking about it, I know people that were doing all sorts at 13 when I was younger, I guess actually seeing it in black and white really exposes it for what it is, but definitely dont think things like that should be being said, done at 12, it seems way too much. Taking all advice on board so thank you so much for your reply.

@The2Omicronnies

I just wanted to say that I empathise with the difficulties you are feeling with approaching your husband about this; I don’t think it is any reflection on the type of family “you think you are”…it is simply a fact that navigating a child’s journey from small child into adolescent is difficult at the best of times, let alone being confronted at this age with very sexually explicit messaging. I think most people would find this uncomfortable especially as her dad will not be expecting it.

Thank you so so much @The2Omicronnies. I feel so unprepared to tackle this (not just with dad but generally) when I always felt that I was in control and had my head screwed on prior to this. I really appreciate your supportive kind words.

[quote FailingMum81]@cherrytreecottage thank you - yes she does and my husband does, mine is android. I think that would be a good route to take if we decide to allow her to keep it at all - at the moment it feels like I need to remove it altogether but am just concerned about the impact that may have on other normal friendships. Whether I like it or not it seems that a large proportion of contact of this generation is via mobile in some context, but really appreciate the info on other options. Would setting up family sharing also allow constant access to normal messages too as well as via things such as instragram?[/quote]
No you're not able to view anything from their phone on yours, but if you wanted to take away her phone you could essentially lock down everything except for the ability for her to contact you and DH. If we're punishing DD's and want to remove their phones, we do this so they can't access anything else at all, but have the reassurance in knowing they could contact us in an emergency.

When it's being used on a daily basis, we just have it set up on time limits, so they can't use their phone past a certain time at night.
You can also see where they're spending the most time, so whether that's a particular app for example.

@cherrytreecottage Thanks so much - I will look into this further - sounds ideal

I wouldn’t worry about stuff like Instagram. She is too young to have an account - she is a little girl. Take back control and be her parents not her enabler.

Sorry if that reads harsh. It’s just social media is such a cess pit & 100% damaging & unnecessary for little girls. It sounds a bit like your DD & this girl are a perfect storm. Space away from one another is needed!

@AgathaMystery

I wouldn’t worry about stuff like Instagram. She is too young to have an account - she is a little girl. Take back control and be her parents not her enabler.

Sorry if that reads harsh. It’s just social media is such a cess pit & 100% damaging & unnecessary for little girls. It sounds a bit like your DD & this girl are a perfect storm. Space away from one another is needed!

Thank you @AgathaMystery - no doesnt sound harsh at all - I totally agree. Think I am just mindful that I want to ensure she contact her support network in some way when this all hits the fan as she may need to rely on friends for support in some way. I would be more than happy to close every social media account in existence ever ;)

Yes absolutely - WhatsApp is fine for that isn’t it?

A friend of ours has 4 DC & when they go to high school she offers them a contract. They get £500 if they reach age 16 without any social media & £1,000 if they reach age 18.

The eldest is 15 now with no social media & wants that £1,000 very badly. I am tempted to do something similar.

Contacting the school and sharing your concern about the other girl threatening to hurt herself is a sensible first step. It would also be good for school to know that you are worried about the controlling nature of the relationship between her and your DD as it seems to be that which is the problem rather than social media accounts.

I wonder why your DD left her phone at home yesterday. Is it something she's done before or might it be her way of asking for help without it being her 'fault'? It's pretty chilly here today but if you can be around after school, perhaps the two of you could wrap up and go on a walk so you can set up a situation where you can talk side by side. To begin with I would hold off telling her you've seen the messages but ask her what she'd do if she knew a friend of hers was threatening to harm herself e.g. is there an adult at school she'd report it to, would she tell you so you could help, does she know not to take on responsibility to manage that scenario herself etc. I'd make the conversation about safety and healthy friendships and try to keep a lid on the shock and upset about the messages you've seen. There are resources out there e.g. parents guide that might be helpful for you to look at before raising the subject with your DD. Whatever approach you take, giving her the opportunity to tell you about her friend (or even a hypothetical friend) will likely be easier to stomach than you or her dad getting cross about the nature of the messages.

[quote FailingMum81]@cherrytreecottage thank you - yes she does and my husband does, mine is android. I think that would be a good route to take if we decide to allow her to keep it at all - at the moment it feels like I need to remove it altogether but am just concerned about the impact that may have on other normal friendships. Whether I like it or not it seems that a large proportion of contact of this generation is via mobile in some context, but really appreciate the info on other options. Would setting up family sharing also allow constant access to normal messages too as well as via things such as instragram?[/quote]
She is 12! Why on earth did you let her have Instagram? You cannot just give children smart phones and let them do what they want and then be shocked when things happen.

You're not alone, this is so frighteningly common, you' just happen to have clocked on to it where so many other parents just don't. It's done, don't beat yourself up, lesson learned. As far as I'm concerned, all tech belongs to you. You're the grown up, you're responsible. She's shown that she's too young to be allowed unrestricted access, so it goes, for now until you can work out a way forward.

I'd say she can have a phone that allows calls and texts, so she's not cut off from everyone completely, but that's it. She's going to go nuts, it's going to be a scene, but she will be relieved deep down that someone has taken control and to be given some boundaries as she's clearly been out of her depth.

It is going to be difficult for your husband to deal with, but no more than you, you don't need to protect him from this. It's hard for all of you, but hopefully you can pull together.

Thank you @PearlD I will just be glad to get the ball rolling now to get it sorted, so once they are all home etc. I think the idea of just having messages is a great idea and think that is the way we will have to move forward with me still having control of her phone but allowing to arrange play dates etc with friends. x

@SE13Mummy

Contacting the school and sharing your concern about the other girl threatening to hurt herself is a sensible first step. It would also be good for school to know that you are worried about the controlling nature of the relationship between her and your DD as it seems to be that which is the problem rather than social media accounts.

I wonder why your DD left her phone at home yesterday. Is it something she's done before or might it be her way of asking for help without it being her 'fault'? It's pretty chilly here today but if you can be around after school, perhaps the two of you could wrap up and go on a walk so you can set up a situation where you can talk side by side. To begin with I would hold off telling her you've seen the messages but ask her what she'd do if she knew a friend of hers was threatening to harm herself e.g. is there an adult at school she'd report it to, would she tell you so you could help, does she know not to take on responsibility to manage that scenario herself etc. I'd make the conversation about safety and healthy friendships and try to keep a lid on the shock and upset about the messages you've seen. There are resources out there e.g. parents guide that might be helpful for you to look at before raising the subject with your DD. Whatever approach you take, giving her the opportunity to tell you about her friend (or even a hypothetical friend) will likely be easier to stomach than you or her dad getting cross about the nature of the messages.

Thank you @SE13Mummy She can sometimes leave it at home so I wasnt overly surprised, she was faffing about as first day back at school and it was caught up in her bed covers when I went to change them so she probably hadnt even thought about it to be honest - but the theory it was purposeful is definitely also worth consideration. I will take a look at the link you have shared too - many thanks x

I didn't let my DC have any social media until she was the right age. By that time she wasn't even interested. By the, way I believe WhatsApp is 15 years old? If DD has a phone and can text her friends, that's all she needs. She will of course tell you the opposite! The rules on ages are there for a reason but in my job I see so many children of this kind of age on all of these social media sites. It's massively damaging to their self esteem and exposes them to all sorts of harm. I cannot begin to tell you the sheer number of incidents that happen both amongst their peers and total strangers. Also I hear endless parents saying they can't withdraw it from their children because all their friends do it too. That is hard for them but you are the parent and your DD needs protecting. It's so hard isn't it but I don't see you have much choice now.

Hi OP. Just wondering how you are doing and whether you’ve had any conversation with your DH or DD about this yet. We are a little behind you in terms of kids ages and have been reading this and feeling so sorry for you, and at the same time trying to learn from your situation. Would love an update