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Parenting

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Original poster

Local grandparents hardly see their grandchildren...

50 replies

LittleTwiglet · 12/01/2022 11:29

So my parent (one of them) is local (30 mins away), retired, drives, only has my DD for 3 hours at the weekend, and that's it, no offer to see my DC more (DS is a baby so I understand why they may not have him yet) and when I ask them if they want to come over or DD go there it always seems like it's putting them out and they'll usually find an excuse.

Is anyone else's parents like this with their grandchildren? Am I asking too much? When I was a child I was always with my grandma, so I always think my parents could do a lot more than what they do, but I'm stressed (they know this) and need a break sometimes, but am met with no help from them.

I dont know, maybe I'm being the selfish one. Please be kind as I'm already quite down and already make myself feel worse on my own.

OP posts:

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DropYourSword · 12/01/2022 11:32

What do you mean “only” has your DD for three hours at the weekend?!
Every weekend?
C’mon - you need to recognise they are already doing a decent amount!

MissNothing1991 · 12/01/2022 11:35

They only have them 3 hours at a weekend? Should be thankful, I'm a lone parent and I would quite happily take 3 hours to myself. My parents visit and that's it, they don't ever take my child. Then again it is my child and my responsibility, they aren't obliged to.

Comedycook · 12/01/2022 11:35

I think three hours at the weekend is pretty good going...

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Luckystar1 · 12/01/2022 11:36

My parents live 20 mins away. We see them very occasionally. They never have my DC on their own.

I think there is a huge spectrum of grandparent involvement, and I do find it very sad that mine aren’t seemingly interested, but it is what it is.

Original poster

LittleTwiglet · 12/01/2022 11:37

Just to be clear, I have never said they are not my responsibility, I am not trying to palm them off. Just would like some more help as I am personally struggling and clearly not as strong as lone parents, for that I already berate myself, but I am trying, every day to be better, but I still struggle.

OP posts:

Luckygreenduck · 12/01/2022 11:38

3 hours a week seems quite a reasonable amount to me. If they are 30 minutes away that 4 hours of each weekend they are giving to you. I would be grateful.

shoofly · 12/01/2022 11:40

Do they socialise with your children in a family way? Do you go out for the day with them, or do they come for tea or Sunday lunch?
Do you chat to them, have a good relationship with them?
If you only view them as childcare, maybe 3 hours every weekend is plenty for them.

Whynotnowbaby · 12/01/2022 11:41

Wow, three hours every weekend, that’s great, it’s a lovely opportunity for them to bond with their grandkid and gives you reliable time once a week. I appreciate you still have the baby and maybe you could ask them if they could take him once a fortnight with dd at the same time, giving you a proper break but not demanding much more than they are already offering.

It is tricky as in your position I would also like to spend some time with my parent for myself so I would feel like the childcare part was only part of the story. You haven’t mentioned that you feel the same, but if you do, perhaps ask if you can stay for a coffee or arrange to meet up with dp somewhere outside of the home so it is clear this is about to quality time together not childcare.

Hearwego · 12/01/2022 11:42

If you do get to a point where you’re tired or want a break, would your parent help out then? It may be they are unaware of how your feeling?
Maybe ask them to come over to babysit for a few hours in the evening so you can go out , for example?

Whynotnowbaby · 12/01/2022 11:43

Fwiw, my aunt always lived close to my gps and used them a lot for childcare, it became burdensome for them and negatively affected their relationship with my aunt. My mum lived further away and gps only saw us occasionally, long term the relationship with my mum was much less problematic.

CovidForChristmas · 12/01/2022 11:43

I also think 3hrs most weekends is a lot.
Sorry OP it sucks to feel this way.
Any chance you can explore other options?
When mine were little I used the crèche at the local sports centre. It was reasonably priced and I would drop them in and then sit in the cafe for an hour.
Doesn’t sound like much but I cherished that time!

3peassuit · 12/01/2022 11:43

3 hours once a week is not bad going. You sound tired. Does your DH do his share of childcare to give you a break?

Prinnny · 12/01/2022 11:43

In the kindest way yes you are being selfish! A regular three hour weekly commitment is very kind of them! I say this as someone who’s parents live hundreds of miles away so it’s literally just me DH and DD so I know how relentless it can be. I would kill for those three hours you get!

You mention a baby so do you have a partner? It should be him you look to for support not your parents, they’ve done their child rearing.

cherryonthecakes · 12/01/2022 11:44

You'll find things easier once you accept that they only want to see you and your dd for 3 hours a week and stop asking for more help.

Yanbu to be disappointed but that's how they feel and asking for more is just mental load that you don't need right now.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 12/01/2022 11:46

OP I’d you need a break talk to your children’s other parent. You should both be working together to make sure each of you is coping ok and providing support in the form of breaks from the children when necessary.

Original poster

LittleTwiglet · 12/01/2022 11:48

@Whynotnowbaby thank you very much for your post. It seems like you understand. I think it may be partly that it upsets me that my DS doesn't really get acknowledged by them (when I was pregnant with him they always told me that DD will always be the favourite), although I hope this will change as he gets older and more interactive for them, I obviously myself feel quite to one side as I'm never asked how I am/what we're doing/etc its always about DD with them, even though I send regular messages (neither of them are big on speaking on the phone) trying to get a conversation going or some kind of connection you know. I think I mainly feel my DC are missing out on having the kind of grandparents I had. My grandma was amazing and was such an important part of my life and so many amazing memories with her, I worry this won't happen.
I'm probably being a bad person to be honest, expecting too much, but trust me, no one can make me feel worse about myself that what I already do every day.

OP posts:

Idontevenknow · 12/01/2022 11:49

3 hours every weekend is something I would be very happy with. My in laws live 10 mins away and we see them at their grandkids birthdays and once for an hour at Xmas. There is no reason why, except they just aren't interested and they think showing face and dropping off gifts is enough. My expectations are low for them now, and I've accepted it- it's them that's missing out. I think you're quite lucky.

Ovenaffray · 12/01/2022 11:50

Only has a child for 3 hours at the weekend? Only?

I’d consider a visit once a week to be more than enough (especially if they are keeping the child for 3 hours for you).

I’m a single parent of 16 years vintage and no one ever had my kids reliably for a set time every weekend.

Idontevenknow · 12/01/2022 11:52

Sorry cross posted. I understand what you are saying, it does sound like you need more support and your parents don't understand that. It's a shame they won't do more to give you a break and you could always try having a serious chat with them? Lucky was probably the wrong word to use, I just meant that 3 hours every week can still be a help and at least it's consistent. Sometimes you just have to accept that they don't have to do anything else and some people approach being a grandparents differently than others. I would maybe explain to them its important they see your son so he can also bond with them.

minniep · 12/01/2022 11:53

I'd be thrilled if my parents took any of mine for 3 hours on a regular basis. I'm always shocked on here at the amount of childcare people expect from grandparents

AuntieMarys · 12/01/2022 11:57

We live 30 mins away and see dh's grandchildren about every 6 weeks. We don't do childcare

...have taken the 6 year old out a few times, but would never have over night.
Perhaps grandparents did more " back in the day" as some older women didn't work and they'd nothing else to do! We are busy people in our 60s, and have things planned in the diary. Equally, DIL fills the weekends with football, ballet, parties, seeing friends, going away....as she should be doing.

mrsm12 · 12/01/2022 11:57

My parents are 45 minutes away and see the kids maybe once a month with me there, will mind them grudgingly if asked,
My in laws live15 minutes away, pass my front door to visit their daughter several times a week, collect daughters ds once a week from same nursery my ds is in but will not call to us or offer help, again will grudgingly help if asked but can't wait to get away after.

piglet81 · 12/01/2022 11:57

You sound quite low, OP How old is baby? Are you on maternity leave or back at work? Do you have a partner, and if so are they pulling their weight? It sounds like you need some support/a break from looking after the kids, and I can understand why you would like that to come from family but it’s not always feasible. Could you afford some paid childcare?

Original poster

LittleTwiglet · 12/01/2022 12:05

Thank you to those who are being so kind and understanding, I'm in tears just knowing that some people do understand how I feel about it. I do have a partner who works very long hours, so it is just me and DC. I have not been apart from them for 3 years. DH doesn't really understand feelings and things, although he also thinks they could do more to help. His parents are unfortunately not around. I was supposed to be doing therapy for PTSD but I can't as I have no one to have DC during my appointments. So am just plodding on day to day and making sure my DC do not see me down as I don't want to ruin their lives with my baggage.
I'm sorry to those that think I am out of order or expecting too much. I have always been hard on myself, so don't worry about that.

OP posts:

converseandjeans · 12/01/2022 12:06

Agree with others that 3 hours every Saturday is pretty good.

My in laws would help but only if we were at work (one day a week).

My parents live a distance away & wouldn't really offer. They would watch them if I went out but by the time I went out all the tea, bath, bottle had been done by me.

I think you should be happy with the 3 hours & accept that it's a generous offer. I imagine once DS is older they will take both.

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