Local grandparents hardly see their grandchildren...

[LittleTwiglet]

So my parent (one of them) is local (30 mins away), retired, drives, only has my DD for 3 hours at the weekend, and that's it, no offer to see my DC more (DS is a baby so I understand why they may not have him yet) and when I ask them if they want to come over or DD go there it always seems like it's putting them out and they'll usually find an excuse.

Is anyone else's parents like this with their grandchildren? Am I asking too much? When I was a child I was always with my grandma, so I always think my parents could do a lot more than what they do, but I'm stressed (they know this) and need a break sometimes, but am met with no help from them.

I dont know, maybe I'm being the selfish one. Please be kind as I'm already quite down and already make myself feel worse on my own.

I don’t have grandchildren yet but are grandparents really expected to have a grandchild for 3 hours every single weekend?

I’m only in my 50s. I’m still working and I’ve a busy life. I couldn’t with the best will in the world commit to take a child every weekend

Just read your update & I think your DH could help more. Can't he take both kids out for a few hours to give you a break?

Can you afford child minder or nursery a morning a week?

It sounds like he's expecting your parents to solve the problem rather than helping himself.

Has he always worked such long hours?

(I know the op’s parent is retired)

You sound stressed and in need of a break, and with a new born I don't blame you, but if I'm honest unless you have a v close bond with your parents already (pre-kids) then I'd find 3hrs a week more than enough, but I realise I'm probably projecting here.
My parents are always hassling me to see more of their grandchildren (my 3 kids are only grandchildren they have) and I can't cope with it!! They don't do childcare as such though, they just expect my toddler and young children to 'perform' for them. So I keep them at arms length... I have an awkward relationship with them though, so I'm sure if I was the kind of daughter who had a close mother/daughter bond with my mum then I'd be delighted to see her that often. As your kids get older though, 3hrs a week is actually quite a chunk of time (imo) to fit in between all the other stuff kids do (school, clubs, homework, seeing friends etc) unless the gps facilitate some of that.
Sounds to me like you want that closeness though, so I think maybe go round with your baby DS and spend time with them rather than just dropping your DD off?

Echoing can your DH not take the kids even one evening a week? Do bath and bed and let you get downtime?

It’s shit isn’t it, we have one grandparent who will have the DC in an emergency (hospital trip, leg hanging off kind of thing) and only as long as is needed, another who hasn’t had them for 4 years. I loved spending time with my grandparents when I was a kid, had a fantastic bond, those who don’t with my DC barely have a relationship and as they’re growing are less likely to, that’s down to them and they will most likely regret it in the future. We just put a lot of effort into the relationships with friends who are more like family now.

Do you ever get together for family time? I mean rather than expecting childcare, could you not all go for a walk, visit the park, get together for a cup of tea or something? The children will still be having time with their grandparents rather expecting the grandparents to provide childcare?

Three hours a week is pretty good, if an hour's return journey is involved. I wouldn't expect more to be honest.

Have you told your parents that you're feeling low and need company/help?

You sound incredibly lucky to me too!
Your parents sound supportive and it it's not their fault you're feeling tired/stressed.

If you are not coping then speak to your DH, maybe he can drop some hours? My DH took a step back in his career to be around more while DC was small, it's only a short time and not worth missing.

If this is not an option, maybe see if you can swap some reciprocal childcare with another mum or get childcare.

Is your DD old enough for the free nursery hours OP?

In the gentlest way you’re not entitled to gp childcare and 3hrs/wk is more than a lot of people have. Try to see it as a positive, not something you should have more of.

O/T Do you have reliable contraception? I only ask because there’s a huge jump from 2 to 3 and it sounds like the last thing you need to have to deal with.

Three hours every week is amazing! I am one of those who is a bit saddened by the lack of grandparent involvement with my dc but I would do anything for three hours a week! I think you should be counting your lucky stars to be honest. Could you perhaps pay for a few hours additional childcare every week if you’re struggling? Or do a swap system with a neighbour/friend?

OP I think you need to have a think about what you actually need from them. As others have said 3 hours every weekend sounds amazing to me. It’s not clear to me whether you just want as a family to be closer to them and for them to see more of your kids or if you want them to provide more childcare.

Do your parents work?

How old are your kids and are you working at the moment? You mention you are struggling but you don’t say why.

3 hours a week is good. But I'm sorry you are feeling unsupported OP.

Oh bless you. I think some people are being obtuse and not understanding that you are obviously very low and tired .
FWIW I have my grandchild overnight once a week to give my daughter a break..she is a single mother.
Have you considered nursery a couple of mornings a week to have a break

Count yourself lucky they help out at all.

My parents lived 5 minutes drive away didn’t provide any free childcare whatsoever (not for work babysitting or appointments). In fact to rub salt in the wounds further they basically brought my niece up (16 months older than my PFB as sis said she had PND). Whereas, I can count the number of times they looked after my DC on one hand. Once was for a friends funeral, once was for 3 hours for my 50th birthday and once was when I was having an operation and once when I was giving birth to my youngest. Yes, I did ask but they refused and when they weren’t looking after my niece they said they were having a day off. I visited them and spoke to them regularly but it was all one sided.

DH’s parents lived 3 hrs away and were elderly so no free childcare whatsoever. They visited and stayed with us but I was also looking after them as well as the DC’s. They never changed a nappy and once tried to feed one of my DC and they nearly drowned them and upset the DC.

Pil are a 3 minute walk from our house. They can go weeks without seeing grandchildren. My dc are 9, 12 and 13 so not babies. Fil particularly has no interest in ever seeing them. He is blatantly unimpressed when they visit. Mil never asks to see them but will let them visit if they ask. It's very hurtful. My DH practically grew up in his Grandmothers home so I would have thought mil would be the same. My mother is worse, she is a crap mother so shouldn't be surprised. She never asks to see grandchildren, doesn't keep in contact with them. Birthday and Christmas cards are put in my letterbox. I can see where your coming from op. It can be tough raising children especially if you are dealing with mental health issues and your DH works a lot. It will get easier as the children get older. I've learned to lower my expectations with regards to grandparents.

I am sorry you’re feeling low too op

Can you get your parent to even meet you for an activity or do something else rather than just expect them to take your child?

I'm sorry you're struggling but it sounds like your resentment is misplaced- its not your parents responsibility.

Could your DP drop some hours? Or could you look to go back to work part time?

What I would find hard would be having parents whose life had been made immeasurably easy by having active and interested grandparents who then are completely disinterested in their own grandchildren. It's even worse when they complain about their children are too busy to see them and show understanding of how busy they are when you both have to work. I was incredibly lucky with my parents.

Three hours every weekend is pretty good to be honest.

My mil lives 20 minutes away and only sees DS maybe once a month and even that's always after we prompt her.

There's a fine balance when it comes to quality time with grandparents. It's great to have regular contact, but it's good to be aware that too much can have the opposite effect. My sister uses my parents for childcare regularly and I've noticed that there's no excitement anymore when my parents mention they're seeing the grandkids. It looks like it's become a bit of a chore which is quite sad really.

I havnt read all the replies as got fed up of people repeatedly saying you should be lucky, I don’t have 3 hrs a week etc etc. It is not a race to the bottom, we all have our own feelings, our own expectations and what we hope from other people and that is perfectly ok. Op you sound like you need some extra support now and the fact it’s not forthcoming from your parents in the way/ volume you like is difficult, would you be able to express to them how you are feeling and ask directly if they could for example visit a weekday instead of the weekend when assuming your husband would be around at the weekend? Maybe facilitating your appointment?
Also for yourself, try and lower your expectations of yourself- we are going through a pandemic, life with small children is hard and RELENTLESS at times , everyone struggles to some degree and there is no shame in that. Are there certain areas/ times of the day that are most difficult for you? Are you able to get out for some fresh air a few times a week- even sitting watching the children play or a gentle walk. Life does not have to be all singing and all dancing all the time- think how can you make the tasks you need to do - easier/ more enjoyable?like music on when tidying- getting the children involved if old enough. Doing shopping delivery or at most click and collect.

Buying ready prepared food that you can put in oven or minimal prep.. I was sick of tidying 2847281873 a day and feeling like the house was a bomb site so just decided was just leaving it and one tidy at the end of the day as soon as kids are in bed with some music or a podcast on. If the house is getting me down now during the day I just leave it and take them out a walk or drive .
You sound like you are a great mum, I have very little help and used to struggle with my expectation of this from others and was annoyed when gps who live 5 mins away might see us briefly once a month but sadly just needed to accept it for what it is and focus on what actions I could take that are within my control to make life easier on myself xx hopefully you can do this too, life’s tough but so are you!!

You're not a bad person for wanting more help and for your kids to have a relationship with your parents like you had with your grandparents. Your parents aren't interested in that though. They are probably happy with the current arrangements

"I was always at my grandmas"
"She finds an excuse not to come over"

Perhaps these are clues that spending time with young children isn't exactly your mum's favourite thing.

I totally get that you need more support, but it very much sounds like your mum is already giving the max she's willing (which as other have said, is not bad going, though I understand it's much less than you need).

DH doesn't really understand feelings and things

Sorry, that’s not an option when you choose to be in a relationship and create other human beings. He doesn’t get to opt out of caring about your feelings and trying to help when you are struggling. That’s what a marriage/partnership is. This issue is as much on his shoulders as it is yours- he doesn’t get to pass the buck to your parents. He needs to make time to allow you a break.

@DisforDarkChocolate

What I would find hard would be having parents whose life had been made immeasurably easy by having active and interested grandparents who then are completely disinterested in their own grandchildren. It's even worse when they complain about their children are too busy to see them and show understanding of how busy they are when you both have to work. I was incredibly lucky with my parents.

When my mum had me (at 22 as was entirely normal in the 1950s) my grandmother was.44 and a housewife.

When I had my DD at 31 (quite old in mid 1980s terms) my mum and MIL were 52/53 and working p/t.

When my younger DD had my first DGC she was 32 (relatively young for now) and I was 64. I'm now doing occasional childcare for a two year old, at 66. I'm pretty sure that at 44 my own DGM had a lot more energy and was able to take on a lot more than I am.

It's entirely unfair to judge today's grandparents against the availability and energy of the generation of GPs before them.