When you've had your last baby - how did you feel?

[Howtotameyourtoddler]

I have two children, a three year old daughter and a three week old son.

For a multitude of reasons, my husband and I have agreed not to have any more children and he wants a vasectomy. I know that this is the right decision for our family and that we are beyond lucky to have had two healthy babies. I also suffered from PND, I was miserable for the last bit of my pregnancy and I'm currently processing a very distressing birth with DS. I'm excited to focus on raising our two growing children, and on reclaiming my career, body and social life. I see our future as a family of four and I am entirely happy and content with that.

BUT even knowing all of this, I feel a deep sadness at the thought that that's it. I'll never be pregnant again, never give birth or meet my newborn baby again, never breastfeed again. All the anticipation of a new baby - the pregnancy tests, the appointments, the scans, the lists of names, the kicks - I won't get to experience that again. It feels so silly, but I feel really sad about leaving this phase of my life behind.

Has anyone else felt like this? How long did it last, and did you just eventually get over it?

Ps I'm aware that my postnatal hormones have probably got something to do with this. But if I'm feeling like this now, when I'm living through the sleep deprivation, the colic, the endless nappies and the birth trauma, what am I going to be like in a couple of rose-tinted years?!

I felt relief.
Two DSs and my body doesn’t cope well with pregnancy and birth is another story so I certainly won’t be doing that again. Ever.

I felt clear that it was my last pregnancy throughout the pregnancy. Briefly sad during the newborn stage. I wanted to drink in all that newborn loveliness and I did. DC3 is now 4.5 months old and I feel fine with it again.

But I've had three and that is over 13 years. I'm immensely grateful to be able to do this bit again one more time but I'm excited about moving on to another stage when they are all a bit bigger too. I don't want to be like my MIL and raising children for my whole adult life so I have nothing else to look back on and say I did that. I also never had any stage of travelling and freedom before DC so I don't want to have so many that that is impossible in the future.

I think DH still has a little longing for a girl but I don't want to go through it all again on a 50/50 chance.

In some ways I would have liked another, but my last pregnancy was just hard work, and our very small house felt over-crowded even before the baby arrived. I did my damnedest to remember lots of the lovely details of mothering a newborn, even as we both wondered about having another.

But we weren't as young as we had been, I have a family history of twins and two more would have trashed our finances, so we decided no. I felt a bit sad, but after about 18 months I was hassling DH to get a vasectomy... Clearly the 'bit sad' didn't last that long!

I think a lot of women don't ever feel 'done'. We are, after all, programmed to want to reproduce. For some women this becomes an obsession, and they keep having babies until someone or something (e.g. health, money) intervenes.

Personally I'm relieved we live in an age of contraception, and can make sensible decisions for our families.

I go back and forth, I have one DD who will be 3 soon.

I had a good pregnancy bar morning sickness & an okay birth (early induction but it was quite straightforward), but I found the newborn days to be quite hellish - we were living in a flat at the time, I had untreated postnatal MH issues & then covid hit and ruined the last part of my maternity leave, so just as I felt well enough to take her to baby groups etc, we all went into lockdown.

We are in a new house now by the beach with some family help down the road & my MH is very much under control. I feel an urge to do it again ‘properly’, if that makes sense, now my circumstances are better.

However… I don’t know if I would cope with 2 children. I worry incessantly over DD, and I’m not a chilled out mum at all. I’m also very worried about going through the newborn days again.

However I feel like I would regret it if I didn’t, so I think we will try again soon.

I want another baby and another toddler but I don't want to be pregnant, give birth or have another child or have sleepless nights or anything else! It's just the special moments I crave, and the ones I missed with my 2nd due to some health issues and extremely poor sleep. So I won't be having a other and don't want another but I still am sad for the moments I won't get again

I still feel sad about not having more babies but I don’t really want more children and tbh I found the baby bit really hard as well- no sleep, not being able to get anything done, feeling like a disgusting mess…
I always knew number 4 would be my last and having 3 miscarriages, then hyperemesis and then a birth where he nearly died cemented that. I am looking forward to being more free as they all get older and it is nice being able to get rid of stuff as he outgrows it instead of keeping it for another baby. It’s also nice being able to distribute my time more evenly between all the kids instead of the baby taking up so much if it. I think I’ll always have that little pang of envy when other people get pregnant or have a baby but I don’t really want it. I might offer myself up as a newborn cuddling service so that people can have an hour or two to do what they need to (or to sleep), that would scratch the itch!

Was delighted to be pregnant with dc2 to get it ‘over and done with’ 🤣 didn’t have good pregnancies at all. When dc2 came along I was shocked at how great the experience was in the early days, I was on cloud 99 for weeks, and often wish I could relive the days my children were born. But, I do not wish for a third as I am so tired, don’t recognise myself and everything is an effort because I’m up several times in the night. This might be a tad dramatic and I’m not sure of the actual facts but I read somewhere that mothers life expectancy reduces a couples of years after giving birth and I can believe it! Love my kids so much but no more! I work full time so the cost of childcare and everything else would be too much

After my 2nd I felt exactly as you do, for about 4-6 months - my first labour was awful, and baby was constantly unsettled but the second was plain sailing and he was such an easy going baby, and a good sleeper. As he got more interactive and out of the snuggly newborn phase, I started to make peace with the idea of never doing it all again, though we never did get rid of all the big baby items (pram/car seat etc).
And then when he was 4 I got pregnant again with our little surprise! She’s an absolute delight and I wouldn’t be without her for anything in the world. But this time, as soon as she’s outgrown anything it’s straight out of the door - I feel absolutely complete in my family with no desire whatsoever to add to it again.

I had bad pnd with second, not a bad pregnancy but was very sick in both of my pregnancies and had awful pelvic pain in second.

With my second and last, I didn't enjoy baby or toddler stage, and only now (at 4) do I really enjoy him, and I feel like that was all because of pnd and situation (ended up going through a traumatic separation and divorce when youngest was only 1. I feel like so much of those special times were robbed in a way and wish I could go back and change things! I'd love more children but alas not in the situation to have anymore now

Honestly, utterly elated. I was as excited about having my tubes removed during the section as I was to meet my new baby!

Two is manageable, they will both have good opportunities and support financially, we won't have to move house, won't have to swap from a nice car to a mum wagon, we won't have to scrimp and save to pay for another, and I'll never have to put my body through pregnancy again. I'm 33 and so happy to know I can now just focus on raising the girls, getting my career and social life back and enjoying actually HAVING children rather than planning for and making children, iyswim? If I were to go again I'd be at least 36/37, which means I'd be mid/late 50s before the kids were independent adults. As it stands I should be late 40s, maybe 50 and that's still (in my mind) a great age to have lots of life left to enjoy things and enjoy having grown up children without being elderly 🤣

Ecstatic (after a singleton, loss and then twins). And tbh it makes the night feeds , screaming on car journeys, nappies etc easier - I know I will never be starting again with a tiny newborn. I am practically throwing the DCs’ stuff out the window as soon as they outgrow it. I want my body, time, career and headspace back.

A few years after my second I decided no more. I was really depressed after having him and he was a very very difficult baby. 7 years after having him I had another. The pregnancy was horrendous. Had to work a physical job the whole way through. I was so ill I honestly thought about killing myself several times. I was still really ill for quite a few weeks after giving birth. 11 months on and I would love to have another one. I won't because I honestly don't think I could go through another pregnancy.

Was very tempted to try for a third for a couple of years. Then one day realised I don't have the world's most supportive P, all the donkey work would fall to me and I couldn't take on the mental load of another as well, and common sense kicked in.

As well as perimenopause, which does make me sadder coming to terms with the fact I've probably run out of time anyway and am definitely moving into a different phase of life.

I had a tough last pregnancy and birth (5th term pregnancy, 6th child and I have BIG babies) so had feelings of no more. I considered sterilisation but couldn't sign for it when the day came. Pregnancy and birth I can handle fine because of the newborn snuggles but having suffered multiple miscarriages too I find that putting me off going for the 7th that dh wants. I feel sad about finally being DONE, that should be now really but I still can't commit to it. Dh will not have a vasectomy which makes it a bit harder, I think if he was willing to do that I'd feel a bit better about it.

I feel happy that im 'one and done'. No sadness, no regret. Just content I suppose.

I feel really envious of friends/family members being pregnant/having babies. I wanted a third for a few long time, my youngest has just turned 4 and I think I am finally coming to terms with it. I definitely see the benefits for us having two. My husband really only wants two and it is a head over heart decision for us. It means I can really concentrate on the children that we have, play with them, enjoy them and give them all the love in the world. I have GAD and am not great with little sleep so this is a factor for me. I want to be the best possible mum that I can be for the two that I have and I think I would be stretched emotionally and financially with three.
I still get pangs when I see a baby and pregnant person though!
I think I always will.....but it does get easier.

I have four children.

The first two were twins. I was absolutely sure I want done with babies and knew I wanted a third.

I had a miscarriage on the way to number three.

When number three was a newborn I was so stressed with the worry that he was the last baby. But parenting three was tough, and once he was toilet trained I stared to think maybe we were done.

I got pregnant with number four shortly after I started a new job. I was devastated. I though I wanted another one but when faced with the reality I was scared, doubtful, felt guilty. I went to discuss the possibility of an abortion and found out if had a miscarriage anyway. DH and I decided together that we were happy with the three we had and don't want to risk pregnancy again, so DH had a vasectomy.

6 months later, despite a vasectomy and hormonal contraceptives alongside (because you have to use alternative contraception until you get the all clear at 6 months ish), I got pregnant again. No way I could face even exploring abortion this time and so we have four children now.

I am absolutely loving raising baby number four. He is an absolute delight that completes my family. DH has had a second vasectomy. I do not want any more children and if another pregnancy happens despite two vasectomies then I would explore abortion again (I think). We are complete now.

I've had no anxiety at all about baby number 4 being my last. He is perfect, and I am enjoying every first as a last. No worries at all. This phase of my life is playing out, and the teen years are beckoning in the same breath! My family is the shape and size it was always meant to be

@Chely

I had a tough last pregnancy and birth (5th term pregnancy, 6th child and I have BIG babies) so had feelings of no more. I considered sterilisation but couldn't sign for it when the day came. Pregnancy and birth I can handle fine because of the newborn snuggles but having suffered multiple miscarriages too I find that putting me off going for the 7th that dh wants. I feel sad about finally being DONE, that should be now really but I still can't commit to it. Dh will not have a vasectomy which makes it a bit harder, I think if he was willing to do that I'd feel a bit better about it.

Your husband sounds quite selfish if I’m honest, you’ve gone through the mill physically and emotionally to give him 6 children and he wants a 7th?!

Ha I came here to say relieved I felt relieved!!! And glad to see others saying it too
I’ve got 4, no issues in any of pregnancies but I don’t know if I’m a wuss or got a low pain threshold but childbirth was excruciating although the labours got quicker with each one the pain got worse.

Yes, I felt like this. I'm very much done with two, but I still like the idea of a third and doing all the stages all over again. I think it's starting to slowly fade, mine are 4 and almost 2.

So sad, I had a 10 year gap between first and second and was broody on and off in that time , sometimes desperately so sometimes not at all but I knew then I would definitely try again at some point and then after DD2 we knew we would have a closer in age sibling and DS was born 4.5 months ago but now I know there are no more babies in my future and I don't think it's that I'm broody it's just trying to cling on to this time and take it all in because I know it's the last time and already now he has grown so much and giggling and more interactive and I was looking back at pictures taken just weeks ago and looking at him now thinking that's it my last newborn days are behind me and just memories.
It's the right sensible decision for us though , I have horrendous sickness for my entire pregnancies, house size , holidays etc. I just need to find a good birth control method to get through the rest of my fertile years which could easily be another decade I suppose and hope that I don't get a last minute rush of baby fever that I give in to

I was in a similar position to you OP and when my periods returned 4 months later I had full on baby fever due to hormones. When DD2 was 2 yrs DH did have the snip (with my agreement) but the night before I had a last minutes panic. When he sent the me the text message to say it had gone well I felt overwhelming relief but yes there is still a tinge of sadness that I will never feel a kicking baby inside me again but my family is complete at two children and anymore would over stretch our finances, time, house space, our relationship and my physical and mental health.

Can you hold off making the decision a bit longer?

I had my 3rd baby 5 weeks ago and this was something me and DH chatted about while I was expecting. I loved being pregnant especially feeling the little kicks! And despite having 3 miscarriages, like a PP said, I will miss the excitement of pregnancy tests etc.

Me and DH are as bad as each other and it would only take one of us to suggest a 4th to get us thinking again but honestly we are done. I’m 40 and suffer from PNA. I really feel that we are a little family of 5 and I’m so happy that every day brings me closer to getting back a bit of freedom. You can feel a bit trapped with a newborn especially when bf (or at least I do) so when I have sleepless nights or DS2 isn’t settling, I know mentally I couldn’t go through it all again.
It’s the end of a life phase though isn’t it and that can be hard to accept.