My son's mom doesn't let me see him

[IMissMySon]

I had an extra-marital relationship with my son's mom. We had a son 3 years ago. She ended the relationship 1 year ago and since then she doesn't let me see my son or know anything about him. I took her to court to arrange visitation but she claimed domestic abuse, alcoholism and mental illness. We have had several hearings but there is not much progress apart to demonstrate that the allegations are false using alcohol tests, GP reports and DBS checks. Also, police reports with no actions taken on the multiple allegations. I don't want to wait another year to see my son. I know she can delay access for a long time so I have tried to reach to her solicitor to try mediation again (she refused to attend mediation before). Any ideas what else I could do to make her change her mind? I really don't understand why she is doing this.

Who was having the affair here? You or her? Or both of you? I can think of a huge number of reasons she’s cut you off but depends on the situation. Were you married/still married/have another family/not willing to leave wife/messed her around saying you’d leave etc etc.. or was she married/still married etc and the whole thing has ruined her marriage..

Either way, you’ve both made a complete mess bringing a child into it all. People who have affairs are arseholes but if you are going to do it, at least be extra careful. No child deserved to be born into such a toxic relationship.

Unfortunately you can't. You have to keep on pushing through the court system.

I would think we would have to hear her side of the story to understand why, there's nothing you can do but continue through the court system.

@Bobholll

Who was having the affair here? You or her? Or both of you? I can think of a huge number of reasons she’s cut you off but depends on the situation. Were you married/still married/have another family/not willing to leave wife/messed her around saying you’d leave etc etc.. or was she married/still married etc and the whole thing has ruined her marriage..

Either way, you’ve both made a complete mess bringing a child into it all. People who have affairs are arseholes but if you are going to do it, at least be extra careful. No child deserved to be born into such a toxic relationship.

None of that really matters. The child has a right to a relationship with their father, no matter how it all came about.

Are you still married?

Do you support your son financially?

Push harder on the court proceedings.

Do you pay maintenance?

Where are you in the court process? It's a process which will result in contact unless judge decides it is not in the child's best interests.

From what you have written you have had Cafcass reports back..is there a hearing date set?

@Bobholll

Who was having the affair here? You or her? Or both of you? I can think of a huge number of reasons she’s cut you off but depends on the situation. Were you married/still married/have another family/not willing to leave wife/messed her around saying you’d leave etc etc.. or was she married/still married etc and the whole thing has ruined her marriage..

Either way, you’ve both made a complete mess bringing a child into it all. People who have affairs are arseholes but if you are going to do it, at least be extra careful. No child deserved to be born into such a toxic relationship.

That will not matter to the courts. Custody isn't dished out as steward for good behaviour. The courts will (hopefully) decide based on what is in the best interest of the child and unless the father is abusive or negligent I think they'll want to grant some sort of custody arrangement.

Op I'm sorry your missing your child. It's impossible to day more without knowing more of this story and why the mum.suddenly doesn't want you to see your child. Have you asked her?

Hi

Thanks for the replies. I am the ars. I accept it. I messed up everything. I was married. Not anymore. Always told her that I wasn't going to leave my wife (I know I was double ars). She was single. I think she has a partner now. We haven't talked for a year due to accusations. I paid maintenance since our son was born but she closed the case with the CMS after the first hearing. I have asked several times to pay either via CMS or to her account but she doesn't want to decide until the child arrangement case is decided (she told me via her solicitors). I am a high earner and she is on benefits so I am worried about my child wellbeing. He was used to a higher standard of living. I believe she wants her new partner to be my son's father but it doesn't make sense to lie to a child. He will find out someday. The case advance slowly. She accuses me of something and I present proof that is not true then it is something else. Cafcass said that as she has claimed DV they recommend fact finding and Section 7 (another 6 months I believe). My question is if you were in my x's case, what could I do or say to convince her?

Anything you say will be seen as you trying to bully or manipulate.
You're looking for some magic woman words to make her do what you want but they don't exist.

She has made it very clear she does not want you in her child's life. I seriously doubt anyone's going to come up with something you hav not already tried.
This really is something that you can only pursue through the courts.

@IncompleteSenten

Anything you say will be seen as you trying to bully or manipulate. You're looking for some magic woman words to make her do what you want but they don't exist.

She has made it very clear she does not want you in her child's life. I seriously doubt anyone's going to come up with something you hav not already tried.
This really is something that you can only pursue through the courts.

You are right. I am delusional. I just have to wait. Thanks for commenting.

What's she like, are you able to speak to her through mediation and just say that you miss your son and it's tearing you up?

Deep down unless you've done something awful to her then she must realize it's best for her boy to see his dad.

@TheAverageUser

What's she like, are you able to speak to her through mediation and just say that you miss your son and it's tearing you up?

Deep down unless you've done something awful to her then she must realize it's best for her boy to see his dad.

She told me one of the last times we talked that she was expecting me to leave my wife even though I had told her many times that I wasn't planning to. I understand now that was horrible on my part and that I should have ended the relationship if I wasn't planning anything serious with her. She said many times I didn't appreciate her and our son and that I would regret it. I think that she is revenging for that. I don't think she is a bad person but very stubborn. I cannot talk to her because she will say I am harassing her. Her allegations are very easy to disprove just take time but I am very careful not to give her ammunition to use in court.

My solicitor said that the most likely result is that I will get the access I am requesting (every other weekend) and that I have to be patient. Just losing hope as the courts are collapsed and take so long in between hearings.

She's either accusing you falsely in which case she's not rational and you can't reason with her
Or you were abusive and any attempt on your part to contact her would be harassment
Either way you need to leave her alone and pursue the matter through the courts. That's your only option.

I hope you have a DNA test OP.

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

She's either accusing you falsely in which case she's not rational and you can't reason with her Or you were abusive and any attempt on your part to contact her would be harassment Either way you need to leave her alone and pursue the matter through the courts. That's your only option.

I am afraid so. I have so far proved everything she accused me of is false. I don't contact her at all as I know she will accuse me of something. I will leave it like that and continue the slow court process. I could make things worse for me if not. Thanks for your point of view.

@CovidForChristmas

I hope you have a DNA test OP.

I don't. She always refused to do one when he was little. :(. I am sure he is my son as he looks like my family.

What you did was appalling, she is bound to be angry with you, but providing the DV and other claims are false, she is doing het child a massive disservice by using it as the weapon to beat you with.
A child had a right to a relationship with its father. ,(providing they pose no danger of course)
You are going to just have to ride out the legal system. If you are a high earner, pay for the best brief and legal advice, that's all you can do and comments like this don't help and make you sound like a knob a kid needs love, time, heat, food and a roof over its head at a young age, all the rest is what the adult wants for it
I am a high earner and she is on benefits so I am worried about my child wellbeing. He was used to a higher standard of living.

It's an absolute disgrace if she is lying by accusing of DV when that's not the case, it's been such a long slug to get DV recognised and a little bit of help and support out their for women going through it, these women, if she is lying, undermine all that.

But keep plugging away and get your right to see your child, (no matter how much of an absolute lying arse you were )

@Thinkbiglittleone

What you did was appalling, she is bound to be angry with you, but providing the DV and other claims are false, she is doing het child a massive disservice by using it as the weapon to beat you with. A child had a right to a relationship with its father. ,(providing they pose no danger of course) You are going to just have to ride out the legal system. If you are a high earner, pay for the best brief and legal advice, that's all you can do and comments like this don't help and make you sound like a knob a kid needs love, time, heat, food and a roof over its head at a young age, all the rest is what the adult wants for it I am a high earner and she is on benefits so I am worried about my child wellbeing. He was used to a higher standard of living.

It's an absolute disgrace if she is lying by accusing of DV when that's not the case, it's been such a long slug to get DV recognised and a little bit of help and support out their for women going through it, these women, if she is lying, undermine all that.

But keep plugging away and get your right to see your child, (no matter how much of an absolute lying arse you were )

Thanks for your comments. I didn't mean anything bad with the comment. She was always complaining that our son spent a lot and she was always having money problems. I paid almost 1000 a month and paid for all the big items. That is why I am worried. I understand that I cannot do anything but wait. My way to cope is to try not to think about him but I miss him more and more. Maybe it is better to just let go. I am not sure what is best for him. Maybe is better to be raised with a mother and a "father" living together as she thinks. She told me many times that a part-time father (she meant seeing him two weekends a month) was not a father.

Unfortunately custody and access cases can take a long time, particularly if there are lots of allegations for the courts to resolve. Get the best legal advice you can afford and engage with whatever the court or social work ask of you.

As it's likely to take time, you might want to think about how you can show your son that you've missed him and been thinking of him. Maybe get cards for each milestone/birthday/holiday and write a short (positive!) message in them, and keep them for him to see at an appropriate time? You could also set aside the equivalent of the child maintenance money you would have paid, and keep it for him in a savings account. Both of those would give him evidence that his father has been thinking of him even though you've not been able to be there in person, and that you've always cared about him.

My view is that it's important for a child to know their heritage, where they came from, who their biological parents are. Our roots are important to our identities, and your son has a right to know who his father is and to have a relationship with his father if possible. Don't give up on your son.

@Scirocco

Unfortunately custody and access cases can take a long time, particularly if there are lots of allegations for the courts to resolve. Get the best legal advice you can afford and engage with whatever the court or social work ask of you.

As it's likely to take time, you might want to think about how you can show your son that you've missed him and been thinking of him. Maybe get cards for each milestone/birthday/holiday and write a short (positive!) message in them, and keep them for him to see at an appropriate time? You could also set aside the equivalent of the child maintenance money you would have paid, and keep it for him in a savings account. Both of those would give him evidence that his father has been thinking of him even though you've not been able to be there in person, and that you've always cared about him.

My view is that it's important for a child to know their heritage, where they came from, who their biological parents are. Our roots are important to our identities, and your son has a right to know who his father is and to have a relationship with his father if possible. Don't give up on your son.

Thanks for your kind words. I have a blog that I used to write to him. It's on the Internet under his name by protected so her mom doesn't accuse me of something else as I have no rights of my own child. I stopped writing in October because it made me so sad every time I wrote to him. I was hoping he finds it someday if he searches his name. Thanks to your words I wrote to him yesterday about Christmas. I couldn't send him a present because his mother told me via her solicitor that she doesn't want to accept any presents. He is a special child. I am not from the UK or even Europe so half his heritage will be completely obliterated by his mom if she gets what she wants. I fear that it will destroy him if he finds the truth in the future.

Keep fighting.
Fight strongly.

Say to her that you have rights. And that by law you are entitled to see your son.

You by law are entitled to see your son.

Have a plan in place. Call her, say that you want to resolve this amicably first of all. That you want to see your son.

Try to resolve it in a friendly way first.
If that doesn't work then I would get a solicitor to send her letters.
Then fight fight fight for your rights through the courts. You can do it .

And you will know that you did everything you could

She told me one of the last times we talked that she was expecting me to leave my wife even though I had told her many times that I wasn't planning to. I understand now that was horrible on my part and that I should have ended the relationship if I wasn't planning anything serious with her. She said many times I didn't appreciate her and our son and that I would regret it. I think that she is revenging for that. I don't think she is a bad person but very stubborn. I cannot talk to her because she will say I am harassing her. Her allegations are very easy to disprove just take time but I am very careful not to give her ammunition to use in court.

So you wanted to have your cake and eat it then whine? You’ve said you didn’t want anything serious yet you had a child with the woman’? You say you had a child 3 years ago yet the relationship only ended a year ago? Did your wife know that a 2 year old child existed from an extra marital affair?

@HalloumiLovers

She told me one of the last times we talked that she was expecting me to leave my wife even though I had told her many times that I wasn't planning to. I understand now that was horrible on my part and that I should have ended the relationship if I wasn't planning anything serious with her. She said many times I didn't appreciate her and our son and that I would regret it. I think that she is revenging for that. I don't think she is a bad person but very stubborn. I cannot talk to her because she will say I am harassing her. Her allegations are very easy to disprove just take time but I am very careful not to give her ammunition to use in court.

So you wanted to have your cake and eat it then whine? You’ve said you didn’t want anything serious yet you had a child with the woman’? You say you had a child 3 years ago yet the relationship only ended a year ago? Did your wife know that a 2 year old child existed from an extra marital affair?

I wasn't planning to have a child with her. It just happened. I love him as I love my other children. My wife didn't know. When I told her, she left me. I messed up with both. I am the first to recognise my mistakes. Maybe I deserve not to see my son?