My son's mom doesn't let me see him

[IMissMySon]

I had an extra-marital relationship with my son's mom. We had a son 3 years ago. She ended the relationship 1 year ago and since then she doesn't let me see my son or know anything about him. I took her to court to arrange visitation but she claimed domestic abuse, alcoholism and mental illness. We have had several hearings but there is not much progress apart to demonstrate that the allegations are false using alcohol tests, GP reports and DBS checks. Also, police reports with no actions taken on the multiple allegations. I don't want to wait another year to see my son. I know she can delay access for a long time so I have tried to reach to her solicitor to try mediation again (she refused to attend mediation before). Any ideas what else I could do to make her change her mind? I really don't understand why she is doing this.

If you are not from the UK or Europe, depending on your nationality, I can see why she might have some very serious concerns about the fact that you could just go home with your child and SHE might never see him again. Maybe you wouldn't do that, but it certainly happens a LOT, and I'm sure you're not unaware of that.

Do you live in the UK now?

If you were paying £1000 a month before, keep putting that into a bank account earmarked for him - don't stop doing that until he is an adult, and keep writing to him. The blog is a bit fiddly. The could be emails, they could be plain ordinary pen and paper, with photographs etc - it would be incredibly meaningful for him down the line to have all that PHYSICALLY.

Keep being consistently there for him, because if this drags out and if this never actually works out for you getting access, you still have responsibilities and you still have the opportunity for a relationship down the line with your child, and it will help him process it all if he can see that you were consistently writing to him, putting money away for him etc. etc.

We can't comment on any of the other stuff, because we have no way of hearing it from his mother's side of things.

My way to cope is to try not to think about him but I miss him more and more. Maybe it is better to just let go. I am not sure what is best for him

As a now adult, alienated child, from my entirely personal perspective…leave all the breadcrumbs you can so he can see you loved him from the get go and never gave up trying via legal routes to establish an ongoing relationship and bond with him.

In retrospect I believe my father just gave up in the face of so much, seemingly insurmountable opposition. It was the path of least resistance. But for 30 years I was entirely entrenched in the belief he just didn’t care. Which added another layer of pain on top of the struggle to cope with the alienating demands of my (justifiably angry and hurt) mother.

I was in a different position. My father was in our home, my life, as my dad until my mid teens. If you can find them, look for the stories from the child’s perspective of those who were a similar age to your son when separation occurred. But it won’t be the easiest task to dig them out. The conversation is dominated by adults, who often (in their pain, anger and hurt) become blind to the extent to which we are talked about, rather than to.

I am also someone who was the child in this situation.

I can really advise you to keep fighting strongly and not to give up.

You have every much right to see your child as she does.

Fight through every avenue possible to you.

And if she tells you that the child does not want to see you. Do not believe her! .

My mother used to tell my father that I did not want to see him . When I did want to see him

Fight fight fight! Keep fighting.

I know a man in a similiar situation to you. He was not allowed to see his child for a year. He kept fighting. He now gets to see his child every second weekend.

You can do it!