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Parenting

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Fallen out with MIL

32 replies

Newboymummy · 06/01/2022 19:32

Me and my mother in law have had a big falling out over my baby. She's always telling me and my partner to go to her house with our little boy, if we say we're busy she gets mardy about it, for example last weekend she asked if we was going to hers and we said we didn't know as had other plans - later that day she messaged and asked why we didn't go and my partner told her we had a lot of other stuff to do and we just wanted to be home, she then got moody, bear in my mind she lives a walk away and could easily come to ours but she doesn't, she then went onto say she will have our baby for us and we both said we don't need you to but thanks anyway - she replied and said "well do it all yourself then" and said our baby won't know any of them (partners side of the family) if we don't leave him for a few hours which we have a few times already with her, I told her he will know them as they see him through visiting but only mainly when we make the effort to take him for people to see him, nobody hardly offers to come to ours it's always us going to them.. once when we were going to pick him up from her she sounded very mardy about us going to get him and said to us "just get him later" - I was made to feel as though I couldnt go get my own child without upsetting her. Back to last weekend - she said he will end up a spoilt mardy child - all this because I don't feel the need to be away from him, he's a very well behaved baby and I don't feel the need to be away from him if I don't need to be, I confronted her over the phone about how she's interfering and making me feel down because this isn't the first time she's been this way with me - she told me to f* off and called me a silly cow. Later on my partner said to her I was willing to talk things out but she said she didn't want to and that we will never get on when it comes to my baby. I've been made to feel daft for wanting my son with me and not wanting her to have him all the time. I just don't know how things will ever be the way they used to be.

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 06/01/2022 19:38

I'd go nc she will never respect its your child a your the mother. She had her time when your dh was a child.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 06/01/2022 19:39

I sincerely hope that your partner has your back over this. It would be a cold day in hell before I made any effort to see or speak to her again, let alone leave a precious baby unsupervised with her. She gets moody and swears at you when she doesn't get her own way? Is she 12? insulting to 12 year olds, sorry

AdultingInTheCountryside · 06/01/2022 19:40

Wow she’s a piece of work, she’s being out of order. Even if he was a hard baby you wouldn’t want someone like that looking after him. Stand your ground, make sure your partner is supportive. She will soon miss your son when she isn’t seeing him anymore, so her loss.

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eyeblob · 06/01/2022 19:45

Dont go there again till you get an apology. And don't leave you child alone with her if that's how she talks to you!

StopStartStop · 06/01/2022 19:46

You are right. She is wrong. Keep your distance. The entitlement of some older women astounds me. And I am an older woman.

lavidaesuncarnival · 06/01/2022 19:51

What!!! If she told me to f* off and I'm a silly cow, she wouldn't be seeing either me or my baby anymore at all tbh.

caringcarer · 06/01/2022 20:53

O hope your DP backs you up. She sounds hard work. Kind to offer but stupid to get upset when told she is not needed to look after him.

espresso14 · 06/01/2022 21:00

Not with the swearing, and a longer distance, but I had similar stuff going on with my MIL and my first child. It was very upsetting, and some GParents just don't understand or remember that especially with your first, you really want to be with the baby. You've been pregnant 9 months, you don't want to be handing them off for babysitting so soon. It's natural and right that you want to be with the baby.

It will cool off in a couple of months, and by the time she has another grand child (and if you go onto have another), she'll be preoccupied with them and you can have your 2nd all to yourself!

escapingthecity · 06/01/2022 21:01

How old is your baby? Of course you're not being U. But this is one for your DP to sort.

What is it with GMs expecting new mums to leave tiny babies with them for hours on end? There are so many threads about this kind of issue. I really hadn't realised it was such a thing.

LiG123 · 06/01/2022 21:13

Control freak!

I've left my nearly 3 year old about 10 times inc 5+ time for having my other child and the scans etc.

3 year old is so chilled and loves all his family so ignore her

abbs1 · 06/01/2022 21:21

Sounds very similar to my MIL constantly telling me what I need or should do or when she had a baby etc etc.
Ive just stopped everything for now with MIL. She offered to babysit multiple times over the last year but i had to take DS there as she doesn't drive which was too much faff and the few times I really needed the help she cancelled literally last minute so I dont bother asking anymore and me and DH figure it out ourselves.
Shes been nagging me about xmas thankyous to people from my DS but ive completely ignored it and doing it on my own terms not hers.

Shes meant to be watching DS while I have DD in a few weeks but Im not holding my breath as that may fall through yet and DH will have to stay with DS and I go it alone. We have no other family who can watch DS unfortunately atm.

I would definitely cut contact and set in some very strict boundaries and only do what you feel happy with not her. You are your childs mum. She isnt.

Ionlydomassiveones · 06/01/2022 21:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Outlyingtrout · 06/01/2022 21:40

What did your partner do after you told him she told you to fuck off and called you a silly cow? What has he said to her about this?

BlueberryLane · 06/01/2022 22:29

I don’t agree with the silly cow bit, of course. But it’s hard not to feel sorry for her a bit. She obviously just wants to spend more time with her grandchild.

Babydust13 · 06/01/2022 22:33

She sounds like a nightmare and good for you for sticking up for yourself. It doesn't matter who is treating/speaking to you this way they have no right I hope your husband has your back because she sounds like the worst

toomuchlaundry · 06/01/2022 22:38

@BlueberryLane if you want to see more of your grandchildren you tend to have to be nice to the parents of the children

elfycat · 06/01/2022 22:38

She told you to fuck off? I suggest you listen to her and do EXACTLY that.

I might be biased as the last 6 years of NC with my PIL have been bliss compared to what came before. The control and bullying really ramped up once I was post-natal. Just sayin'

TheHuntingOfTheSarky · 06/01/2022 22:44

Who are these MILs we see on MN who are so unhinged?? I'm not being unsympathetic at all OP, you're clearly in the right and she's a nightmare but I do wonder sometimes if this is a generational thing and will fade out over time, or if in 50 years time there will still be threads about women behaving this way. It's so much the opposite of how I would be and I just don't get it at all.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 06/01/2022 22:45

Well she can jog on can't she. You don't need a stroppy sulky teen around you or your baby.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 06/01/2022 22:49

@TheHuntingOfTheSarky

Who are these MILs we see on MN who are so unhinged?? I'm not being unsympathetic at all OP, you're clearly in the right and she's a nightmare but I do wonder sometimes if this is a generational thing and will fade out over time, or if in 50 years time there will still be threads about women behaving this way. It's so much the opposite of how I would be and I just don't get it at all.
It's not just MILs my mum was a bloody nightmare and competed with me to have the closest relationship with my baby. NC is the only way to put these toxic people back in their boxes.
SameToo · 06/01/2022 22:53

Why are people so obsessed with how babies ‘behave’ Hmm They’re babies. You can’t spoil them by spending time with them ffs. Such a stupid idea. I’d just take it that she’s not interested and crack on with your life. Your baby is what matters, not her.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 06/01/2022 22:59

she said he will end up a spoilt mardy child - all this because I don't feel the need to be away from him

Well I lived over 3 hours away from both sets of Grandparents both my Mum and MIL worked full time. My Mum retired when Ds1 was 4 and Ds2 was 1 and in no way were my children spoilt and mardy bums. She died a few years later so we really had no one on any sort of regular basis. They turned out fine.

Your MIL is trying to tell you she wants to spend more time with her Grandchild however she is going the wrong way about it. It cannot be all on her terms, at her house, alone. Her latest outburst will be a very hard one to get past and the fact that you said you were willing to talk is more than I would have done if my MIL (who was lovely) spoke to me that way. Plus Dh wouldn't stand for it.

It is not unusual to want to be with your baby, it is primal, if you feel it then you feel it. Just go no contact for a bit, enjoy your baby.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/01/2022 23:05

This is a good thing. You see her for the complete arsehole she really is and hopefully realise your efforts haven’t been worth it. Fuck her. No one gets to see your baby if they refuse to be decent and respectful to you.

Don’t meet her even if she changes her mind. You have done NOTHING wrong. Hopefully she huffs for the foreseeable.

Move house. Free yourselves of this crap. Enjoy your lovely baby.

stardust40 · 06/01/2022 23:21

Gosh she sounds like my mil! Same type of attitude "when are you dropping baby off?" From about a week old! "Can we pick baby up and take her to meet our friends?" Nope! Came to a head at 6 weeks old when she wanted baby for a sleepover and basically I told her when my children wanted to go for a sleepover and asked me they could..... they never had and they are 18 and 14! I've kept her at arms length as as soon as we've started to spend more time with them the demands restarted. The children are now able to visit whenever they want to and I stay completely out of it!

Mattieandmummy · 07/01/2022 04:22

Oh she's a pain in the arse, exactly like my MIL. What is it with MIL's who have to control - mine started as soon as she found out I was pregnant with my first. I had to keep my MIL at a distance and I would advise the same for you, polite and friendly but at arms length. You are going to need the support of your DP though but try to avoid a lasting family rift if you can.

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