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Parenting

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Original poster

Any advice please?

27 replies

Loulabell6321 · 04/01/2022 22:07

I have a 3 month old baby girl, her father lives down south. He works away around Country and can very rarely get time off to come up to see her and has now requested to start taking her down South for a week 2 times a month. so he has her 50 percent of the time and I do.
he would picking her up travelling 750 miles down country (with stops) and then leaving her with grandparents/family/babysitters while he goes away to work and will be home every other night maybe longer. I feel confused to why his so desperate to take her away from her home when he won't really be spending the time with her. when he was coming up I let him stay at my home to spend over nights with her and he rented a property for a week where she went and stayed 2 nights, I felt completely fine with this.
last month she was admitted to hospital as she was very poorly so I have so many concerns in regards to this, and many other things.
I understand his a dad and its great he wants to take her. What's everyone's views on this?
I have read a few cases where courts have agreed to letting a child travel from 18 months, but from 3 months I think is a bit wrong?

any advise would be appreciated
thanks

OP posts:

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Whatelsecouldibecalled · 04/01/2022 22:11

No way in hell would my baby be away from me at 3 months for weeks at a one and the other parent not be present the whole time she was away from me

Original poster

Loulabell6321 · 04/01/2022 22:18

Just doesn't seem fair! Apparently he won't be working away so willl be home every night, still seems a long way for a baby to be travelling and for her to be passed pillow to post during the day isnjust unfair.

OP posts:

SmallGreenStripes · 04/01/2022 22:19

Nope

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SmallGreenStripes · 04/01/2022 22:20

Let him go to court for overnight contact if he wants it.

Original poster

Loulabell6321 · 04/01/2022 22:21

You wouldn't allow him to take her at this age either?

OP posts:

Original poster

Loulabell6321 · 04/01/2022 22:22

He wants 50 percent custody.
Will the courts allow him to travel 700 miles in total twice a month ?

OP posts:

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 04/01/2022 22:23

Not
A
Chance

Let him take his ideas to court

UltraVividLament · 04/01/2022 22:23

It's a no from me. It's crazy to take a tiny baby away from its main carer and place them with a variety of relatives and babysitters instead. It's not in the best interests of the child, and I'm surprised he thinks it could be acceptable.

Original poster

Loulabell6321 · 04/01/2022 22:26

His only taking his own feelings into consideration. His messages constantly talk about his feelings and how its unfair on him. I don't feel his really is that concerned about whats best for our daughter. Kind of feels like a control thing as well.

OP posts:

Nostrings457 · 04/01/2022 22:26

Also a no from me. Would definitely support contact but this is too much.

Original poster

Loulabell6321 · 04/01/2022 22:28

I've always been fair with contact especially with letting him stay in my home, I invited him to stay Christmas day for dinner so he could spend the whole day with her, I've been so fair in the whole process. I've told him if he continues to rent a property nearby id be happy for him to have her overnight or all weekend but his reply was his not a weekend dad!

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2022 22:29

Absolutely fucking not. You can't possibly be even considering this, surely. Let him take you to court if he wants to, but he won't.

groovergirl · 04/01/2022 22:29

At three months? Absolutely not! Factor in that huge road trip, only to dump baby with childminders, some of whom you might not have met and might not be fit to look after such a tiny baby, and I'd be saying not a snowball's chance in hell, buster.

Are you breastfeeding, OP? There's one excellent reason right there to not take a baby from her mother.

I'd be giving these people a firm NO right now. Don't let them guilt- trip you. If they really want to see your DD, they can make the effort to visit.

As for reviewing all this at 18 months, if DD's father won't be the main carer on those visits and isn't competent to look after her by himself, I'd still say no. Then let him take me to court for an official order, if it bothered him that much.

This is about protecting the child's safety.

danorak · 04/01/2022 22:29

Absolutely not.

Not remotely in child's best interests. Say no, mean no. If he wants to take you to court, let him - it won't happen and if he instructs a solicitor they'll bloody well tell him not to be so ridiculous.

You've been reasonable and offered appropriate contact. That's it.

Original poster

Loulabell6321 · 04/01/2022 22:31

Hi.
I'm most certainly not considering it! I'm just concerned the courts will agree with him and give him the 50/50 and allow him to take her away. What do you think the courts will do?@groovergirl

OP posts:

danorak · 04/01/2022 22:32

The courts are likely to order regular and consistent daytime contact at this age. Short time periods. Say, a couple of hours two or three times weekly. If that doesn't fit in with his work plans, that's tough.

Original poster

Loulabell6321 · 04/01/2022 22:35

@danorak thank you so much! I've been so worried.

OP posts:

UltraVividLament · 04/01/2022 22:36

If he doesn't want to be a "weekend" dad then he could be taking steps to alter his employment to facilitate that. If it were truly a priority for him. The fact that he wants to disadvantage his DD rather than make changes to his own lifestyle is telling.

danorak · 04/01/2022 22:38

You've been more than reasonable. Send a picture and an update weekly. Allow contact for short periods either supervised with you present or a couple of hours alone. That's it.

'Not a weekend Dad' indeed. If he wants more regular contact (and still this would limited at your child's age) then he should seek employment near you, change his lifestyle and get a new job.

It is in no way in the best interest of any child, regardless of age in fact, to be left in the care of other relatives all day when the other parent is available, capable and present. The sheer audacity.

negomi90 · 04/01/2022 22:40

You can't have 50/50 when you live that far away. One day she'll go to nursery and then school, she can't have 50/50 and go school with those distances. The court won't order it for that reason, there's no point in a court order which won't be able to continue for very long (even if skips nursery and its not an issue till she's 4).

groovergirl · 04/01/2022 22:48

He won't get 50/50 when you live so far apart. It's just not logistically possible, and would put your baby's health and safety at risk. The court would take note of the fact that you've been very fair and helped facilitate his visits so far. That good will would go in your favour. His plan to leave your baby with a series of childminders of questionable expertise would definitely go against him, and any decent solicitor would tell him so straight up.

I can't imagine that his phone calls are doing your MH any good. Next call, tell him firmly what you have decided. If he threatens legal action, say "that is your decision". And that is all you have to say.

TopCatsTopHat · 04/01/2022 22:55

Big fat hairy you must be mad NO. At that age so much changes so quickly that having multiple carers would mean they're would not be a consistency of care for her as the chain of communicating would be regularly broken. So how well her needs were met would vary, possibly greatly. If anything happened you are miles away.
It would be massively disrupting and would potentially damage her bond with you (her main carer) which is key to her development.
None of this is in her interests, far too young for this level of being passed around. It is for her dad's benefit not hers.
If he's that bothered to see her, instead of bending her life out of shape and affecting her crucial development which is life long in consequence, he should look at bending his own life out of shape and paving the way to be nearer. Maybe that would take time but it would be far preferable.
Look up the development of babies and what role the main carer has in sense of security, healthy ego etc etc.
I think if you allow this you'll regret it massively. And so will she.
When my son was born I was studying full time, living with my dh, happy relationship. When dh came home from work, I would hand him ds and go to study for a while. Even that level of handing over and absence was visible in baby at 3 months and ds didn't even leave his home often, if just be upstairs studying and he was with his doting father. You could see the effect cos whenever dh picked ds up he would look for me and cry - he understood that dh appearing meant I would disappear. I want absent overnight or anything. Later when the studies were done and dh and i spent more time with ds together, this reaction to dh stopped entirely as his see no longer meant I would go.
She might be small and portable and unable to express any complaints but that does not mean she should be passed around like a parcel to satisfy his vision of fatherly involvement to her cost.
An older child might cope with that as they could at least understand what was going on and have it explained to them, and even then that would be highly disruptive, but a baby. No no no.

TopCatsTopHat · 04/01/2022 22:58

Sorry, my reply crossed posts with more from you op, so I see my comments aren't so relevant now.
Good luck standing up for your child. Glad other pp think the court will reinforce that.

Original poster

Loulabell6321 · 04/01/2022 23:00

Don't apologise @TopCatsTopHat the more im seeing the more its making me feel better!
I've been so worried.
Thank you all!

OP posts:

Newnews · 04/01/2022 23:08

Another no way. I wouldn’t even let her do overnight visits even if he lived round the corner at that age. A few hours max.

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