Leaving baby

[NS1988]

Just wondering how old peoples babies were when they left them with someone. My babies nearly 7 weeks and I don’t want to leave him at all with anyone until he is older. My partner thinks I have separation anxiety, which I might, but I just feel he is too young and I would be uncomfortable leaving him. MIL goes on at him about having the baby, taking him out for a walk etc and then rolls her eyes when he tells her that I won’t leave him with anyone else without me being there. They have hardly bothered making effort to see him, which annoys me but also think he should be left to cry when they want to put him down to sleep etc which I personally don’t agree with when he’s so young. Partner keeps saying I need a break and to leave him with his family so we can go for an meal or whatever just the two off us but I’m not happy doing this. Is this normal for me to feel this way with a baby of his age? When did you leave your baby with someone for some time to yourself?

Depends what you mean by leave them - my sister took my baby for a walk round the block in the first few weeks whilst I slept- my husband took over when I wasn’t breastfeeding (guess that’s kind of leaving them)- I didn’t do every bath time- and I had my first night out at 6 weeks, baby was with my husband.

I used to leave DD with my mum for an hour or so a few times a week from about 5 weeka when i had a gym class or swimming. I used to leave her wuth DH when he got home from work so i coulf have a break, and she slept at my mums whrn we went out for the first time at 8 weeks i think.

But you hqve to do what you are happy with

7 weeks is nothing! I wasn't ready to leave ds with anyone until he was 1! Stand your ground. Also neither of us had separation issues or anything like that.

It's so normal for you to feel this way!! Your baby is so tiny!! Every mum is different and some will leave their baby at this age and some won't for months yet. Neither is right or wrong. It's about what suits you and your circumstances. I can't stand when people put pressure on new mums to hand their babies over before they're ready. And it's certainly not OK that they're not respecting your parenting methods with this talk of leaving your baby to cry to sleep. Absolutely stand your ground with this! Their approach is very outdated and harmful for such a small baby.

I think you need to be firm and make it clear that it's your decision when you leave your baby. Your inlaws need some boundaries.

DS and DD were 7 and 6 months respectively when we left them with my parents for a few hours. We still haven't left either with my in-laws 4 years later as they have a similar approach to parenting that you describe, amongst other issues. It depends entirely on how you'd feel about being apart from your baby and is also an individual choice as to who you feel comfortable leaving them with. 7 weeks is very young, you definitely don't have separation issues!! Maybe point your DH in the direction of literature about the fourth trimester and as others say, stand your ground until /if you feel ready in the future.

Do you mean someone else taking the baby for a walk? Mine was perhaps a couple of weeks old.

My OH bought me a spa weekend as a treat when my son was about 10 months old. That was the first 'real' time away in my opinion.

My first was 10 weeks which I really struggled with but it was DP's best friends wedding.

I think my second will be much, much older. She's 17 weeks and I don't trust anyone with her yet. She's very clingy. Definitely clingier than the first.

@NS1988 Congratulations on your new baby! Absolutely normal for you to feel this way 😊 and every parent will give you a completely different answer to your question.

Personally, I left my baby alone with my DH while I showered etc. But apart from that I never left him with anyone else at all until he was 1 and I went back to work PT. I now work 2.5 days per week and either DH or 1 certain family member has our DS depending on the day. I had absolutely no interest in leaving him at all before that. He’s never been anywhere overnight away from us and I can’t see that changing for a pretty long time!
I am friendly with a girl on FB who is a big advocate of “having your own time” and “couples time” - from 2 weeks old her baby has spent all day 1 day per week at her MILs house while she has a day to catch up on housework or relax and 1 night per week at her mums house where her and her partner have date night.

Do whatever you are comfortable with and don’t let anyone try and pressure you into anything different!

Depends what you mean by leaving them really! I didn’t leave mine overnight with family or for a few hours with an evening babysitter until they were reliably sleeping (around 12 weeks). But I left them with DH to go out to the shops, see friends, get my hair done etc as soon I was physically recovered from the birth. Obviously they need to be taking a bottle to leave them for any length of time though.

First time I left DS was when he was about 2.5 months to go to an aqua aerobics class, so I guess for 2 hours? First night out was cinema when he was 6 months; we just went for the film (maybe 3.5 hours total away from him). Plenty of family would look after him while I napped or whatever.

I didn't actually want half an hour to myself to have a break (and plenty of people misread that as some sort of PND/anxiety when in reality it was because I was in love and completely obsessed with him).

Not for a couple of weeks- but for 20 mins tops. I’ve not left my 2.5 lad at night yet

It doesn’t matter what anyone else did or felt comfortable with, what matters is what you’re comfortable with and ready for.

Personally I wouldn’t leave dd with anyone apart from DH (and usually when I was still in the house just having a bath or a sleep or whatever) until well past 6 months - can’t remember when exactly but something like 8 or 9 months and I had to go for a hospital appointment whilst DH was working. Then when she was 11 months DH and I went for a meal and a few drinks one lunchtime whilst his parents babysat. At 14 months she started with the childminder 1 days a week.

BUT - that’s me and my (lockdown!) baby. I don’t think it’s any better or worse than any other way.

But if you’re not ready you’re not ready and you certainly shouldn’t be pressured by your partner who is supposed to be on your side and want to support you.

My parents looked after my daughter at 4 days old to let us go to Tesco and McDonald's. We'd had a rough ride but we're away an hour at the most.
She had her first sleepover at 3 weeks due to a previously booked event and I enjoyed it until I got home and saw and empty crib.

My mil has watched her for an hour max as she took the pram a walk around the block and got lost. Fil has dementia so not able to help.

Do what you feel is comfortable with, don't let anyone force you into doing something you don't want to.
When you're ready will be the right time.

My daughter is now 6 and doesn't stay near or with mil for any length of time. She smokes and my daughter hates it and tells her why 🙈

My babies nearly 7 weeks and I don’t want to leave him at all with anyone until he is older.

Completely normal. Look up the 4th trimester. Your baby should still be in you. It’s healthy and normal to want to be with him all the time.

My partner thinks I have separation anxiety

That makes no sense at all. Your son and you need each other. It’s nature. Does he often try to undermine or criticise your normal emotions and behaviour?

MIL goes on at him about having the baby, taking him out for a walk etc and then rolls her eyes when he tells her that I won’t leave him with anyone else without me being there

It’s your baby. Not MIL’s baby. She had her turn. No one who rolled their eyes at me would be someone I trusted to care for my newborn. She’s a dick. So is your partner if he puts up with it.

also think he should be left to cry when they want to put him down to sleep etc which I personally don’t agree with when he’s so young

No one who thinks that’s okay would have care of my baby. You can’t trust them because you know they are idiots.

There’s no age when you have to leave your baby to cry. It’s upsetting to hear them cry for a reason. You’re wired to sooth and comfort your child. Normal.

They don’t care about upsetting you (or your baby, given half a chance) so time to stop caring about upsetting them.

A very clear “I won’t be leaving him with anyone until I’m ready. I won’t continue to discuss it because you’re being rude and disrespectful. The more you push me on this the longer it’ll be before I leave him anyone”. “Stop asking, I’ve said no”. “He’s my baby, I’ll decide when I want to be apart from him”. And get up and walk away or ask them to leave, put them phone down etc.

Now is the time to draw your boundaries. If they continue to try and bully or undermine you then stop seeing them.

Maybe remind these fuckers you waited 9 months for your dc to get here.. You aren't in a hurry to not have them around. Even for a short while!!

You're completely normal!!!! I didn't feel comfortable with this until mine was almost a year old. Never with people whose ideas about parenting were very different from mine!

Your baby is still tiny. All that matters right now is whether you feel comfortable leaving him .

Your DH needs to support you and frankly, your MIL’s feelings on the subject don’t matter. She hasn’t just given birth and isn’t dealing with postpartum hormones. At 7 weeks, leaving your baby should only be done for your benefit, not to give someone else the chance to have a ‘turn’ playing mum.

, I didn’t leave mine at all with anyone till she was 2 years, but then I was a lone parent with no family help.

My mums has had our daughter now 3 nearly every other weekend since she was 2/3months - gave me and my partner time to ourselves. Saying that, we live with his mum and she has barely ever offered to watch our daughter in the evenings (bedtime). She has only ever watched her for an hour or so during the day and even then would get phone calls to say she’s crying and we need to get back. Wouldn’t leave her with MIL now even if she asked but my mum yes and she’ll watch DC when born in April.. so nice to have me/us time and to have someone I trust helping out. I can also tell my mum how I want my kids to be raised, what they’re allowed and trust that it’ll be followed through. Unlike my MIL, even at home so many arguments in the beginning as she would give DD chocolate, junk and sugary drinks every time she had something herself. At least she now knows not to, or at least ask me first.

I should probably add that my brother and sister still live at mums, so it’s nice that my daughter gets to spend time with her uncle and aunty who adore her and all do lots of activities with her, take her out. MIL just stays home goes out once a month herself, if even.

@1990sbaby if you live in MIL's house you should consider the fact she has the toddler around her as much as you do...

@girlmom21 She doesn’t.. she literally lives in her bedroom, only comes out to use kitchen and toilet. Me and DD are out pretty much everyday.

[quote 1990sbaby]@girlmom21 She doesn’t.. she literally lives in her bedroom, only comes out to use kitchen and toilet. Me and DD are out pretty much everyday.[/quote]
Why do you think that is?
You'd probably find if she felt comfortable in her own home she'd be more interested.

Sorry but your post sounded smarmy and you can't compare her to your own DM when you're living under her roof and your DM is doing way more than the average grandparent.

My baby is almost 3 months and I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving him just yet. He's breastfed so that's part of it although he will take bottles too. My mum is just dying to start minding him. Maybe in another month or 2, he still seems so tiny at the moment. I'll be going back to work at 8 months so I'll have to start getting used to leaving him with people eventually.

@1990sbaby
She doesn’t.. she literally lives in her bedroom, only comes out to use kitchen and toilet.

This comment struck me as really sad, it does sound like she is uncomfortable in her own home. What's your reason for living with her?

Didn’t leave DS with anyone for more than an hour or so until he was pretty established on food, as he was breastfed and refused a bottle. So maybe 8 months? I don’t remember leaving him much at all for the first 3 or so months I don’t think. DH or my MIL would take him out in the sling for a nap, but that was about it.