Being a mum is so fucking hard

[nobreakever]

I am at total rock bottom right now. DS, just turned 2, is still awake and crying even though it’s getting on for 10pm. This follows a hellish Christmas where he’s been ill with a bad cold (not Covid before anyone asks) and extremely grouchy and whingey for almost the entire time, refusing to nap or sleep and waking up multiple times in the night. He’s better now and I was hoping for just ONE evening to myself with DH, but can’t even get that as he’s now inexplicably refusing to sleep. Honestly, I wish I could just shut the door and leave him to cry, but clearly can’t do that as it’d be cruel. Being a mother is so fucking hard, I cannot believe how many people do this and seem to be coping admirably and “loving life”. Even friends who do admit they’ve been struggling then immediately qualify it with something cheery, like it’s not so bad after all.

I am clearly not maternal, not cut out to do this and I’m fucking failing on every count. I hate myself and I hate my life. Oh and please don’t tell me to speak to my GP - I already did that and she couldn’t care less, just tapped away on her computer whilst I sat there in floods of tears trying to explain. I am so burnt out and yet there’s nothing I can do except keep on going, and being a shit mum in the process.

Do you have any close family or friends that could help out, or give you a break from time to time? It is very hard sometimes being a mum, but just know that you're doing the best job and it dies get easier ❤️

Can your husband not put him to sleep? How much of a role does he play in parenting?

You’re not a shit mum. There’s no 2 ways about it - parenting IS bloody hard and the early years are relentless especially if you have a bad sleeper / kids with special needs etc

I have a 3 and 4 year old and honestly sometimes I want to run away. I love them dearly but it is exhausting and monotonous and I miss my pre-child life. It does get slightly easier the more they can communicate but my DS is still a terrible sleeper. Can take him hours to go off to sleep and then often wakes in night. The child just does not seem to need sleep. DH and I are perpetually knackered which makes us bicker and we never get any time to ourselves.

I don’t have the answer but solidarity and reassurance that you’re not alone - and it does NOT make you a bad mum

I know this is one of those 'rod for your own back' things, but it really helps when ds is feeling poorly (he's 2.5 if makes any odds)
Normal bedtime is usually snuggles and story on the chair in his room, where he will get drousy then put into his cot. Admittedly both dh and I fall asleep with him in the chair sometimes, because parenting a toddler is fucking exhausting some days, so when whichever of us has him wake up he is then put down.

When he is unwell, or has had an overwhelming day (Christmas day) and not had a nap, we get into our bed with him, he calls it 'the big bed' and we let him fall asleep cuddling us, then take him to his cot and go downstairs.

It is hard work, and children are unbelievably tiring. Try your 'big bed' see if it gets him to sleep any easier, and if you get to snooze to, bonus I say.

So sorry to hear you're having a shit time. My kid's sleep also went off a cliff practically the moment she turned two. It was inexplicable and maddening, and the madness lasted a couple of weeks. Please please remind yourself at regular intervals that It. Is. A. Phase. Hang in there x

No family or friends nearby who’d be willing or able to help out.

I’m not doing the best job, clearly. If I was I’d be patiently sitting with my son, smiling beatifically while he slowly fell to sleep. Instead I’m ranting on an internet forum whilst DH tries to get him to drop off (which finally seems to have worked now at 10 fucking pm).

I know people say it gets easier but I’m not sure I believe anything when it comes to motherhood anymore.

You are clearly maternal.
You are clearly not failing on every count, by a long way.

You need sleep, rest and some time for you.
Is there anyone who can give you that?

Sorry I had to laugh at this
If I was I’d be patiently sitting with my son, smiling beatifically while he slowly fell to sleep.
I wish I could do that with ds, some evenings I put him in his cot wide awake as he refuses point blank to sleep after his story, tell him to lay down and close his eyes, sing hush little baby (really badly) and then count backwards from 100 quietly to him (spoiler, doesn't always work and I end up sending dh up to try, and they end up in our bed, both asleep)

Whose idea of ideal parenting are you trying to copy?
Because there is no such thing.
You are not a robot. No one is.

You need sleep, rest and some time for you. Is there anyone who can give you that?

There genuinely isn’t. I feel SO burnt out but I don’t actually know where the line between burnout vs normal tiredness is. Perhaps everyone feels how I do but they’re able to get on with it somehow, and I should just pull myself together.

Go back to go or go to a different one. Do not get fobbed off. They work for you and insist they get you some help. You know best how this is affecting you. I

Whose idea of ideal parenting are you trying to copy?

No one in particular - just what I imagine everyone else to be doing. Everyone I know with babies seems so endlessly patient and loving and caring and finding some kind of humour in it all, whereas I’m just struggling and finding it so damn hard.

You're doing a great job and it's okay to vent and totally normal to feel like this!

You will come through this shit phase and get out of the other side and it will be amazing.

and it will be amazing.

I know you’re trying to help but I just cannot see or believe that right now. I feel like I will never relax again.

You've not heard the full story from other parents. Believing too many #makingmemories posts on social media perhaps! Get to bed yourself now, sleep will make it feel better and tomorrow is another day

I know you’re trying to help but I just cannot see or believe that right now. I feel like I will never relax again.

I've been there! More than once! Honestly it gets so much more fun. You are in the thick of it.

@nobreakever you are being the best mum and you are doing the right thing - honestly, you need to be here right now with people who have your back and can tell you honestly that yes it is shit, it is shit now and will only get better at a snail's pace (so buckle up as it will only happen in small bursts) but it WILL get better.

2 year's ago me and dh abandoned what was to be a lovely Christmas at home to drive in a storm to stay with PIL a week earlier than planned as I just couldn't take it anymore. We arrived after 3hrs of me having to hold my hands backwards the whole way whilst my DTs wailed in unison 'hold my hand'. I got out of the car, burst into tears and left the babies for everyone else to deal with. I was DONE!

I'm not going to lie. It didn't get better overnight and is still pretty shit from time to time (winter, illness, Mondays etc) but today has been good. We're having a good Christmas and they sleeeeeeppppp!!!!

tomorrow is another day

Yes, another day of battles and struggles, tiredness and stress. I feel exhausted just thinking about it. I will get some sleep now though.

You're doing a good job and you care because you're here ranting. If you didn't care, you wouldn't bother. Remember the glossy version of life you see from friends deliberately doesn't include the shit bits.

Are you working? Is it usual for ds to not sleep or is this a phase? If he is a bad sleeper, have you tried any sleep training?

Get a nanny.

Honestly it gets so much more fun. You are in the thick of it.

What worries me is that I’ve seen people (including on this forum!) say something similar about the baby stage. They say having a newborn/baby is so tough but parenting a toddler is a dream. It’s not a dream, okay it’s probably a bit less relentless than the baby stage but it’s still so hard!!

I really think IKEA need to reopen their crèches - that 45mins and a free cup of tea saved my sanity so many times.

A nanny is not a far-out idea. A night nanny even better. Sometimes you just need a night to reset (and please don't think I'm suggesting something astronomically expensive. Many night nannies just do a one off)

No one really wants to tell you that each stage is hard but in a different way.

It's fucking hard. And relentless. But you are not a bad parent. You are a tired overwhelmed parent at the end of your tether. I have a 2yo and a 3yo, who are the centre of my universe. There are days where I would happily run away though. There are moments where I have no clue how to deal. There are times where I just don't want to. Change another nappy. Read another story. Wipe another nose. Persuade a child to eat dinner. Get up at six am. There is nothing wrong with saying this is shit and right now I'm not 'hashtag living my best life.' In fact I think we should be more honest about how shit parenting can be sometimes.

But you know what matters? Is that despite it all you are still changing the nappies, reading the stories, wiping the noses. You're doing it despite the crapness and the monotony. You are parenting your child. Despite how hard it is.

It will get better. For me it's a hundred times better now than it was a year ago. But I got help from a gp who understood my distress. If your gp isn't prepared to help then get a second opinion. Don't be fobbed off.

Is it usual for ds to not sleep or is this a phase?

Mostly (probably 70-80% of the time) he will sleep fine, then other nights we will have this kind of situation. It’s up and down. I think I’m particularly struggling now as we’ve had a couple of weeks of very bad sleep - not his fault as he was ill, but I’ve found it so mentally and physically draining.

Get a nanny.

If I had the money I would.