Being a mum is so fucking hard

[nobreakever]

I am at total rock bottom right now. DS, just turned 2, is still awake and crying even though it’s getting on for 10pm. This follows a hellish Christmas where he’s been ill with a bad cold (not Covid before anyone asks) and extremely grouchy and whingey for almost the entire time, refusing to nap or sleep and waking up multiple times in the night. He’s better now and I was hoping for just ONE evening to myself with DH, but can’t even get that as he’s now inexplicably refusing to sleep. Honestly, I wish I could just shut the door and leave him to cry, but clearly can’t do that as it’d be cruel. Being a mother is so fucking hard, I cannot believe how many people do this and seem to be coping admirably and “loving life”. Even friends who do admit they’ve been struggling then immediately qualify it with something cheery, like it’s not so bad after all.

I am clearly not maternal, not cut out to do this and I’m fucking failing on every count. I hate myself and I hate my life. Oh and please don’t tell me to speak to my GP - I already did that and she couldn’t care less, just tapped away on her computer whilst I sat there in floods of tears trying to explain. I am so burnt out and yet there’s nothing I can do except keep on going, and being a shit mum in the process.

I've been there OP it is very fucking hard and relentless. There are glimmers of hope some days and some downright funny moments but overall HARD!! You aren't alone we all feel it - even if some hide it better than others. It does get better. My 5 year old is giving me hope (even on the worst days with the 2 year old at her worst) I know it does get better. Hang in there it will for you too. Take some moments to yourself for self care and make sure to share the load with those around you.

It's hard when they've been ill and then there are big events like Christmas where it's excitement and not their usual routine.

Try and rest when you can.

Everyone has moments where they feel like they're not cut out for parenting. It does pass. My children are now teens and I have times where I don't know what I'm doing.

Speak to your GP again to see if there is anything they can do to help.

Honestly, I wish I could just shut the door and leave him to cry, but clearly can’t do that as it’d be cruel. Sorry, but why would it be cruel? If your child is 2 then they'd surely understand that it's bed and time to sleep?

Obviously I don't mean leave them to cry and cry and cry but a few minutes whilst you collect yourself isn't going to do any harm. I found with both of my dc that if I tried to rock or soothe them off to sleep they'd be less inclined to do so whereas if I left them for a bit, e.g. if I told them I was going to the loo and I'd be back in 5, they'd whinge for a bit and then go to sleep.

Dc 1 would have his daytime nap strapped in the pushchair in front of the washer whilst I put dc 2 in bed.

Im currently feeding my newborn who is my 3rd dc, I remember feeling the same as you not so long ago and still do some days even though my eldest are 11 and 7. That was the reason I never wanted a 3rd yet here I am doing it again.. this proves it Does get easier or at least you get to have breaks in between the older they get.
I still lose my rag some days and feel burnt out but its few and far between now.. but the baby is only a month old so I'm preparing myself to go through it again I just know now that it doesn't last and the fact I have 2 older dc who are well mannered and bright happy dc that I wasn't the shit parent that I thought I was whilst they were so young. I must've done something right.

It's so hard when they're in a longer phase of no sleep. I'm a teacher and my 2yo didn't sleep for most of October. I got sent home from work with exhaustion. As soon as I had some sleep I felt so much better.

Could your DH have him for a few hours in the day so you can catch up with sleep?

the fact I have 2 older dc who are well mannered and bright happy dc that I wasn't the shit parent that I thought I was whilst they were so young. I must've done something right.

Thanks, that does give me a small sliver of hope.

Your not a shit mum OP. I was grumbling and moaning on Christmas Day night when Dc4 who is 2.5 wouldn’t go to sleep. I gave up at 10pm and took him in to my bed Hoping he would drop off but no he giggled, writhed and then stroked my hair annoyingly until I lost my temper and shouted just go to bloody sleep! Not my finest moment but I was shattered. He finally dropped off at 12.05am. He is trying, difficult and pushing boundaries right now and it is sapping my will to live, so I can empathise. It does get better though, I know it is often said. Dc1 was an awful sleeper and difficult baby who nearly broke me, he is 7 now and my best friend who sleeps for 12 hours by choice. As for other parents saying or posting on sm about “loving life” ignore, unfollow and pay no attention, It does not help. Those I know post stuff about loving life etc have all been unfollowed so I don’t see it as it’s false and their lives are from the image they portray when in conversation. Hang on in there

I hear you, OP. It's so fucking hard. DS is 2.5 now and I'd say about 4 months ago, we got past the waking through the night stage. By that, I mean he wasn't waking and wanting to stay awake. He does still wake and come in for a cuddle but I can cope with that. I feel SO much more human to have some unbroken sleep.

Though, I'm still here at 10.45pm trying to get the little rascal to sleep. Tonight is out of the ordinary, though. He's a late sleeper - I don't even try to get him to bed before 9pm because it just doesn't work. Rather than fight it, I just adjusted my expectations of his routine. It actually suits me better because he wakes up later in the morning 🎉

Also, he's much more independent these past few months. He's happy to play independently and I'm not dragged around the floor as much.

I have rambled on there but I think the point I wanted to make was, it's not yet amazing, but it's so much better than it was just a few months ago. It's hard, but you're smashing it. As hard as it is, with little to no help around you, he gets to sleep every night and that's an achievement. Keep going

Some people just don't enjoy small children. That doesn't make them terrible people, or even bad parents. Being a good parent is a lot about caring how well you do, not doing it perfectly.

My best friend confessed to me that she didn't routinely enjoy her daughter until she was 5. She loved her of course, and she did her best by her, but she hated being a mum. To the outside world she was a perfect mum, but inside she didn't really enjoy it until later on, but now at 8 she absolutely adores it. So it might take a while, but eventually I think you'll find the age that works for you. You're not a bad mum, this just isn't an age you enjoy.

And as a practical tip, one thing that I find makes those painful evenings a bit less torturous is discretely listening to music or a podcast on wireless headphones whilst trying to get them to sleep. It helps to distract you from the sheer hell of a toddler not falling asleep and instead reframes it a bit as a small slither of you time.

I think part of the issue here could be that you are struggling to accept how much your life has changed since you had your son.

Parenting is hard, there is no doubt about it. Parenting children who are poorly is even harder. And lack of sleep makes everything more difficult. It's totally normal not to want to give up your evening stroking your little darlings forehead until he eventually gives up and nods off.....

We give up certain freedoms and a lot of our own time when we become parents. For me, having a second child has made me realise that you really do need to do what works for you to get some of your time back and I'm much happier and more relaxed as a result. The following things may not be for everyone but have helped me:

A cleaner
Taking turns with husband to have a long lie in at the weekend to catch up on sleep.
Being structured and careful how I spend my time, I've really started to limit guests/play dates and baby group activities (with my first we did too much and it was exhausting). This has allowed me to make more time for myself and my hobbies.
Simple dinners like fish fingers for children when needed.
Skip bath time when I can't be bothered with it.
Let them watch TV or play on kindles when they are tired or when I want to get stuff done.
If they really won't sleep I'll occasionally give up trying, bring them downstairs and carry on with my evening, albeit watching kids TV...
Calpol....administer it when needed even when you don't know what it's needed for (e.g. they are exceptionally grumpy...could be in pain).
If they wake up in the night I sometimes let them in our bed and they go to sleep. Much better than staying awake all night. Get a bigger bed if you need go.
Kindle gets turned on after a bad nights sleep
I give endless somewhat healthy snacks when needed, for example when I want to keep them happy in the buggy
I also use bribery....probably a faux pas.
Crank up the tunes to drown the whinging out and and dance it out, everyone feels better for this!

Sometimes for me it's just a case of realising that they are having a bad day, I won't achieve much and that I am going to have to give up my day in order to keep them happy, then crack on with what I want/need to do later.....

Finally, do things you enjoy with them. We like arts and crafts so I get the playdoh out, set them up with colouring etc, and let them paint my well protected table! Got to try and make things fun even though they sometimes make this difficult.

And if you want to just have a cup of tea and call a friend, or do an online shop then stick them in the bath, fill it with toys and let them play whilst you sit and watch/relax.

Despite all of this it's sometimes really tough and I can't wait to get them to bed. We have fun though and I much prefer my life with them to the life I lead before and they make me laugh way more than anyone else does!!

2 year olds are bloody hard work. My 2 year old son is a nightmare at the moment! Taking ages to get to sleep. Had me up last night. Refuses to do as he's told. Tantrums all the time. But I know it does get better. My daughter is nearly 5 and we went through the exact same with her. She's soooo much easier now so I know the toddler phase doesn't last forever. Whenever I'm going through a tough stage with my children I remind myself what someone told years ago, "this phase too will pass". It's the best advice I ever got. Anyway be kind to yourself and allow yourself to rest whenever you get 5 minutes, even if that means an extra few minutes sat on the loo 😂.

It is so hard. But you are a good mum and you are reaching out to a bunch of mums venting and sharing. It's what we do and hopefully it will make you feel better.

I found the tiny stage so hard, I'm not maternal, I didn't really enjoy it, I had little patience. But I promise every year they get older gets easier.

I did have to grit my teeth and get through it knowing that I would only ever have one child, used to make me feel good knowing that I would never have to do it again. I see lots of mum go on to have a second and they are even more overwhelmed.

I now have a 8year old DS and it's easy. Grit your teeth, fake it till you make it and wait until they are 3/4/5/6/7 and it will get easier and easier. I promise!

I agree with @Isitmeorthemm, mine are now 8&5. I regularly get compliments on how well behaved they are, beautiful manners etc, they still have their “moments” but I reckon we all do.

I remember full well praying to the god of sleep almost offering a sacrifice (I was desperate!). I couldn’t see an end to it, but it does end. I certainly was not gazing lovingly into their eyes while they were refusing to go to sleep, I’d never hurt them but I’d never felt such anger before it seemed to go on and on for weeks on end.

With regards to your gp, is there another gp you could see at your surgery? Failing that, if you could spare £45 push doctor have been great with my family, may or may not be helpful but worth a shot if you need help.

Try not to look too far in the future, just take one day at a time.

@Phoenix76

I agree with *@Isitmeorthemm*, mine are now 8&5. I regularly get compliments on how well behaved they are, beautiful manners etc, they still have their “moments” but I reckon we all do.

I remember full well praying to the god of sleep almost offering a sacrifice (I was desperate!). I couldn’t see an end to it, but it does end. I certainly was not gazing lovingly into their eyes while they were refusing to go to sleep, I’d never hurt them but I’d never felt such anger before it seemed to go on and on for weeks on end.

With regards to your gp, is there another gp you could see at your surgery? Failing that, if you could spare £45 push doctor have been great with my family, may or may not be helpful but worth a shot if you need help.

Try not to look too far in the future, just take one day at a time.

Totally. Even when they are poorly I still feel anger towards them when they don't let me sleep. As long as a parent doesn't act on their anger this is entirely normal.

When all else fails I make sure they are safe and lock myself in the loo for a few mins.

If you were a shit mum you wouldn't be burnt out you'd be happy as larry while your child screams and cries and doesn't sleep, so clearly you're not a shit mum.

Forgive me if I'm telling you to suck eggs but have you tried bath, bottle, bed? Even if he doesn't take bottles anymore, a bit of warm milk after a warm, calm bath and a dimly lit room with gentle music or reading really helped my DD when she was 2-3.

They're little shits every now and then and it's completely normal to feel like this. He's had a busy few days with being ill, Christmas and new toys so it's understandable that he's struggling to sleep and relax. Get out for some fresh air with him tomorrow, let him get some wiggles out and try to limit stimulation from TV or lots of toys in the afternoon.

I'm in a similar place OP, DS is 2 1/4 and we have had a month of bad sleep and illness. I feel so burnt out, I'm also 7 months pregnant. Our issue doesn't tend to be mornings though, it's very early wakes. I also have no family around and DH is due to be away with work for 7 weeks in the NY. I find the lack of sleep really correlates with how I feel about parenting. Can you take an evening/night away in a hotel just to have a rest? I drive 1.5hrs to my parents for a break every few months and it does help.

Children are total dicks OP.
I love my DCs and I think that I’m a good enough mother but I’m not by any means ‘cherishing every moment’ because they haven’t read the script.
It gets different with time. And you may find the different challenges easier.
You need to find a mum friend who will be frank and honest about parenting and the challenges. I find talking about my crap days means people will open up and you feel less like you’re doing a terrible job!

Could his back molars be coming through? This was the worst stage with both of mine and accompanied by lots of snot.
A dose of ibruprofen based Calpol (rather than paracetamol) is much more effective at managing this kind of pain and allowing a bit of sleep.
I know it's not helpful right now but it will pass.
While bedtime routine is important, when they aren't well for me that goes out the window. If it's easier to settle him in your bed, just do it. Then transfer to his own bed once in a deep sleep.

@PaddingtonsHat

Children are total dicks OP. I love my DCs and I think that I’m a good enough mother but I’m not by any means ‘cherishing every moment’ because they haven’t read the script. It gets different with time. And you may find the different challenges easier. You need to find a mum friend who will be frank and honest about parenting and the challenges. I find talking about my crap days means people will open up and you feel less like you’re doing a terrible job!

Paddington hits it on the head here. It gets different with time. I remember people would say to me that the toddler stage is the hardest and that newborns are the best. Jesus Christ the newborn stage was horrific for us. He didn't sleep for more than 30 minutes at a time. Ever. For the first 9 months. I cried nearly every day.

The toddler stage is exactly as Paddington says; different. It's still hard but now is not as hard as it was 6 months ago (he's 2.5 now).

My favourite thing to do is to go to a Brewers Fayre for a play date, because the play area is tiny so I can let him run free. I sit inside the play area, on the table next to the door, and I can see him at all times, knowing he can't escape without passing by me. He's so happy just running up and down the frame, on the slide. And I sit there with a nice hot latte, a book or my phone, and enjoy some quiet time whilst he's burning off some steam. Even better when I have a friend with their DC come and I get some adult company.

And if you need another hour in your bed, sticking the TV on or letting him lie next to you with a tablet is fine. If you have netflix or prime the advantage is no button pressing is required - they just keep playing!
We all have idealised ways we'd like to do things but the reality is sometimes you just need to do what it takes to get through it.

Both my 2 year olds stopped sleeping well at that age … I used a book about babies having growth and emotional leaps (wonder weeks) and it was great telling me what was expected - such as 2 year old sleep patterns going up the spout!
My youngest is 2.5 now and coming out of it … but I work until 10pm 3x a week and it’s like he knows and wakes up when I get back which is exhausting.
I basically let them both into my bed (upgraded to a super king) and let them get on with it! The 4 year old now rarely comes in, the 2.5 year old toddles in every night. The sleep is still quite shite but less so than being up all night on a chair.

Little one has been ill this week so lots of sitting in his chair at 11/12am offering a cuddle and bottle of milk.

As other posters have said pick your battles, let them be smelly sometimes and use screen time in the morning if you need an extra hours sleep.

It’s really hard, and you aren’t doing anything wrong. He loves you so much which is why he wants to be with you and not asleep!!!!

It's pish sometimes. Everything you're feeling is normal and okay. Not a lot you can do about it though, unfortunately. Sending hugs and solidarity! xxx

It is hard. It is relentless.

Divide and conquer. We used to do everything together but then we started to have a few hours separate and it made a huge difference. Today DH took DD3 to the park whilst I cleaned the house. (replace cleaning with sleep or laying down in a quiet house!)

We are all so much happier when one of us gets some downtime.

I hear 4 is the magic age....

And nobody ever tells you the truth.Before having kids all I ever heard was parenting is lovely,parenting is rewarding, parenting is this.Parenting is that.They never tell you about the relentlessness the drugery the mess,the heartaches, sicknesses worries thanklessness, sleeplessness.I could go on..
As far as I am concerned parenting is not rewarding.Its not .I hate parenting.I am mentally and physically drained.I live in constant state of stress.
I have a 2 year old and a special need kid so maybe my case is quite extreme but I do honestly hate my life.

So yea.I hear you OP.
Sending (( you ))hugs