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Parenting

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Original poster

I'm really struggling with being a mum

40 replies

B9r0kre · 26/12/2021 19:47

My beautiful daughter is 8 months old, and the last 2 months I feel empty, alone and broken.

As soon as my husband leaves for work, I totally break down and cry all day. He doesn't understand or get when I'm crying, or struggling.. his response is always 'You have a nice house, Nice car.. just keep yourself busy with the house and our daughter' so I'm always hiding how I'm feeling because he just doesn't sympathise with things like that. I've only ever had a few hours to my self in 8 months.. and that was to get my coil fitted in 2 weeks ago.. all I want is to do is curl up and disappear. My daughter does nothing but cry when she's with me, and that's only a recent thing, and I just sit there in emptiness thinking 'I need to leave, or I wish I wasn't a mum' because the crying goes through me. I felt today like I was going to throw her because she wouldn't stop crying, and In my head I think I shouldn't be a mother!!! Ever since I was a child I dreamt of being a wife, a husband and at first I absolutely loved it.. but now I cant think of anything worse

I've recently been feeling she would be better off without me, that her dad would be much better because he's so patient and loving with her it breaks my heart. I have 1 friend who lives 2 hours away, and the same with family. I just feel so underapreciated.

I'm not sure what Advice I'm looking for, all I know is that I had to just let it out xx

OP posts:

WhiskersPete · 26/12/2021 19:55

OP, it sounds like you have postnatal depression. You should see your GP. Being a mum is so hard. Be kind to yourself.

TokyoSushi · 26/12/2021 19:57

It's really hard OP, seeing your GP might help a little bit though

WhiskersPete · 26/12/2021 19:57

Also, it's easy to be kind and patient when you have been out at work all day. Your husband could be more supportive.

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Haggisfish3 · 26/12/2021 20:00

Oh gosh please see your gp. This can be helped to get better. Your dd needs you more than anyone else in the world.

Original poster

B9r0kre · 26/12/2021 20:51

Thankyou to everyone who's commented. I will ring my HV tomorrow, as my GP is heartless .. and then I might ask if I can change GP surgeries for more support. X

OP posts:

happytoday73 · 26/12/2021 20:59

OP... Is your husband off for Christmas? Can you have a day or so off to see family or your friend? If not can you have a couple of hours each day free for yourself.

Agree with PP you do need to see your HV or sympathetic GP.... But concerned you might need to wait till Wednesday with bank Holidays.

What are your longer term plans? Do you want to stay at home or go back to work. Would that change help?

Ohyesiam · 26/12/2021 21:03

It’s so so hard when it’s not working. That knowledge that your time is not your own…
Will your baby cry even when she’s being held? I did everything with my eldest in a sling , she would not be put down. It made me feel such a failure, but with the second I saw that its just how some babies are.
But as others have said, please reach out to professionals, let people know how much you are struggling x

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 26/12/2021 21:07

Your husband is able to be patient because he only does it occasionally. It’s the 24/7 relentless of being the main carer that is so tough. You need a break everyday. Even if it’s just a bath or a walk. The HV should be helpful too.

Xyzzzzz · 26/12/2021 21:10

Op being a parent is relentless. Please be kind to yourself and speak to your GP.

Original poster

B9r0kre · 26/12/2021 21:16

He works 6/7 days a week, and if he has a day off he sleeps in ar morning and sleeps on and off during the day so I'm feeling isolated. Ahh I didn't think of the bank holidays, but I'll text my HV in the morning just incase. Thankyou for all the useful tips, I'm just so grateful for all of you being non judgemental and supportive!

OP posts:

PinotPony · 26/12/2021 21:18

Oh OP, motherhood can be hideous especially in these early years. Please know that this feeling is perfectly normal so don't feel guilty. I distinctly remember wanting to throw DS1 when he cried incessantly.

It sounds very much like you have post natal depression. Your HV will be able to give you a questionnaire to check. And direct you to help.

In the meantime, if you feel like you might lose it with your DD, just put her down on the floor and walk away. I remember my HV giving me the same advice. It's safer for baby to be crying on the floor for 10 minutes while you take a breather at the end of the garden than for you to be in the same room.

SameToo · 26/12/2021 21:21

@B9r0kre being a parent is very hard and at that age, relentless and the pandemic really compounds feelings of isolation. Change GPs and talk to someone. When it’s possible to do so, try some baby classes. They get you out and you meet other people. Also tell your husband he needs to reduce his wooing hours to help support you. I think most people would struggle being the main parent 6 or 7 day a week!

Tee20x · 26/12/2021 21:21

:( reading this made me feel sad. It's a tough old slog in the beginning isn't it. Funny (not) of him to mention the material things you have and that you "should" be happy - while he's out of the house 6/7 days a week leaving you to do all the graft with the baby.

Some men just don't get how tough it is with a newborn and that actually going to work (depending on the job) can be easier than being home with a baby all day and can actually come as a break!

While it is tough, the crying all day etc could be signs of postnatal depression so it's good that you're going to contact HV & getting a more sympathetic GP.

Have you any friends with babies/that love babies that you can meet up with? What about any baby groups etc just to get out and see some people to make the days go by a bit faster?

SameToo · 26/12/2021 21:21

Also do what @PinotPony said if you feel exasperated.

Plutonium7000 · 26/12/2021 21:31

Yes, you may have PND and should see your GP but you absolutely NEED your husband to step up here. You are both responsible for the health of your DD and her health is directly linked to yours. Your DH needs to reduce his working hours and when he is not at work needs to pitch in 50-50 with your DD.

I do know it's easier said than done but can you go away for 3 full days and 2 nights? Really give him as taste of what you're dealing with and get some space for yourself to re-group?

And he doesn't get to tell you how you "should" feel. YOU tell him what YOU need to feel ok (when you've worked out what that is) and then make sure it happens. New mums (all mum's actually) need time and space away from their kids to sit in peace. That's not a luxury is a basic human need sometimes.

ReindeerPooppoo · 26/12/2021 21:36

At the best of times it’s hard at this stage. The only way I coped was to fill my life one way and another and have a regular break.
So I went to every group going, toddlers, music, swimming etc. From the groups I made friends and we met at each other’s houses regularly. Then when I had a spare slot I would go round the supermarket, to the park, library or just a buggy walk. Anything to get us both fresh air, so,e thing to distract us and being out an pad about seemed to tire my dd out.
Then to get a break, I would expect an hour to ,y self each evening once ,y partner was home. Do you have something you could do, even once a week once he is home from work. Even if you just pop out for a pint of milk, it is very freeing to just go out without worrying about nappies etc.
Finally as others have said get professional help, if there is another gp within your practice see them whilst sorting a change of surgery. HV an also help and ,ought suggest baby groups.
Do you have plans to return to work, as some people just aren’t meant to be stay at home parents and make better parents when they have other aspects to their life?

grey12 · 26/12/2021 21:47

Call thd GP, honestly they can help

And go for a walk, you have to force yourself to get out of the house. In the new year research playgroups near you :)

Btw, could it be teething??? Worst thing EVER!!!!

bantuknots73 · 26/12/2021 21:51

My daughter is nearly 8 months and I feel the same. Today she was crying non stop, refusing to sleep and I literally screamed at her so loudly that she jumped and started crying harder. I had to take some time out to cry myself and I still feel so bad. It really is exhausting especially when your OH doesn't really get it. I hate being alone with her and without my DP because I struggle to cope. I'm also like you and feel my OH has so much patience with her whereas I just seem to get stressed so easily.

People always say to talk to your GP/HV but I personally don't see the benefit of doing that long term. Both my GP and HV are great but all they can do is tell you how common some of your thoughts/feelings are and offer you medication. I've found nothing really helps to stop the thoughts that you're struggling with parenthood other than reassuring yourself that these feelings hopefully won't last as they grow up. I'd still recommend speaking to someone as it's always best to get advice from a professional and have some sort of support.

As for your DH, it'd be great if you could sit him down and really explain how you feel but I know how hard that is because it's like they can never really understand just how much you're struggling. I don't have much advice, just know that you're not alone and my inbox is always open if you needed someone to speak too X

Poppy709 · 26/12/2021 22:12

OP, your DD loves you and needs you so much, you’re not a bad mum. But 8 months is a really hard age, and you need your DP to step up, why does he get to sleep all day when he’s off? When do you get a break?

AliceW89 · 26/12/2021 22:13

It’s relentless OP. A lonely, hard, monotonous relentless slog in the early days. Especially when your DC is having an unsettled, cry-all-day spell (we had so many in the first year). My DH is an absolute saint, does more than his fair share and worked near fully from home in the first year. I think that’s the only reason I didn’t cry every day to be honest.

Are your planning on going back to work?

No matter what your long term plans are, my main suggestion would be to have a loose routine to your day and try and get out at least once (preferably twice) a day, between naps and meals. Even if the baby is screaming, just push through and get to a baby group or a swimming lesson or a cafe and just breathe. Nobody will judge you, we’ve literally all been there.

You really do need your DH to step up more as well. I 100% do think you should talk to a GP about depression…but I suspect a vast component to your low mood is complete burn out. You really can’t do it all on your own. Even if you have the most settled baby in the world, it’s supposed to be a 2 (plus) person job.

Hope things get better for you. If it’s any consolation I absolutely adore parenting my toddler now. I find it so much easier than the baby stage

1ofthosedayz · 27/12/2021 08:19

I think 8 months is when the baby becomes clingy and just wants to live on your hip. It's so hard.

Women were never ever designed to raise children in isolation. We were meant to do it alongside grandparents and family who were also raising kids. The current set up is ridiculously tough and I so hope it changes for the next generation.

It does get easier. Get to a year and you'll feel the difference. Next week see if you can join some baby groups. That'll really help.

Terminallysleepdeprived · 27/12/2021 08:27

First off have a huge hug.

Secondly take a deep breath..being a mum is bloody hard work at the best of time let alone in the midst of a pandemic. You are doing a fab job. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Next...take one step at a time

you need to speak to your hv. You sound like you have post natal depression. It is perfectly normal, more women suffer than don't.

Check out Facebook, local churches or ask your hv for local mother and baby groups. You need to get out the house.

Your dh may work 6 days a week but you work 7 and for 24 hours a day with his baby. His day off he gets a lie in til say 10 and then you get a couple of hours to be you. Go out without baby. Have a hit bubble bath, read a book, have a nap. Whatever you need to do. He is perfectly capable of taking your dd swimming or to the park or just for a long walk in her pram.

Look into local childminders see if any has space for half a day or a full day so you can have some time to yourself?

You care enough to come here and look for help. You are a fab mummy and they are definitely better off with you in their lives!!!

1ofthosedayz · 27/12/2021 08:30

This is one of those cases where I really think that we use post-natal depression as a label. I think as a society we should take responsibility for this and say OP is suffering from Post-natal abandonment which has led to post-natal burnout.

It's mad the amount of women going to GPs for pills when what I think we all recognise is that they actually need a week of decent sleep, daily conversation and help!

I'm not saying post natal depression isn't severe and horrendous I know it is. But I do think this is a case where this could have been avoided with a stronger support network and less expectation women should just "get on with it" and failure to do so is on them. The expectation that women should "get on with it" is massively a failure on society. And so many of us are in this boat.

Sorry for hijacking your post OP!

sweetbellyhigh · 27/12/2021 08:35

Gosh OP you sound quite desperate. I'm so glad you posted in here, you obviously need support.

Please keep posting, and if the first call is not a success just keep calling until someone listens. It is serious.

I really identify with your description of struggling with a newborn and I'm so fortunate in that I received excellent help from mental health services.

You don't have to put up with this and also, it will get easier.

cptartapp · 27/12/2021 08:41

I hated it too. I went back to work at four and five months each time. It absolutely saved me. Your DH shouldn't be asking to do anything he wouldn't be prepared to do himself.
Now DC are 19 and 16 and never a single regret.
Make sure your contraception is watertight too.

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