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Original poster

Feel like my mum ruined baby's first Christmas should I be angry?

41 replies

August21yellowbaby · 26/12/2021 17:13

I just need to rant sorry it’s a long one 😥😥

I don’t know whether to be annoyed at my mum or not but I feel like my sons first Christmas was pretty much ruined (I know he won’t remember but I will)

So my mum and sister fell out 18 months ago. And since then my mum has been pretty low. And I do understand that it must be horrible to fall out with your daughter but I completely feel like I’m not enough and even worse I feel like my baby isn’t enough to make her at least a little bit happy

All she ever talks about when I see her is my sister, throughout my pregnancy she only really talked about my sister whenever she did come and see me which was probably once every 2 weeks and she lives 2 roads away from me

She knew I was due for a c section on the Monday and didn’t come to see me the week leading up to it, and went to a festival over the weekend in which I went into labour on the Friday, I know she couldn’t of been with me anyway but not really the point

My mum used to be so good to me, and she just doesn’t seem to care about me anymore, I feel like she was only a good mum when it was involving my sister

When my son was born she was always making excuses not to come round, multiple “tummy bugs” or “colds” or she had been in contact with someone who had covid symptoms etc

Anyway, we have always had Christmas at her house, and she always makes loads of effort, a nice dinner and good atmosphere and yesterday was absolutely awful, she didn’t talk to anyone at the table, the atmosphere was horrendous, I asked her what was wrong and she just said it was hard without my sister

I’m just getting really really sick of it and makes me feel like all she’s ever cared about is my sister , I have no other family my mum is all I have but i don’t even feel like I have her anymore, I’ve tried saying to go to the doctors if she’s feeling down, or get some therapy, I try explaining people are much worse off and have lost relatives to covid / cancer etc and that she can’t be miserable for the rest of her life

On the other hand though, my mum is constantly out with her friends every weekend, so I think we’ll she can’t be they bad ? My partner keeps telling me to tell her how I feel but I feel like I don’t have the heart to make her feel worse 😥

OP posts:
Bitofachinwag · 26/12/2021 17:21

There's no need to be angry about this

Echobelly · 26/12/2021 17:29

I don't think it's worth dwelling on. It's understandable your mum feels really bad about the falling out with sister but I'm sorry it's impacted on you. It's 'a bad Christmas', but it hasn't ruined anything for DS - there will be other Christmases for you all to make happier memories. I hope things improve soon and maybe your mum can find something else to talk about.

VitaminA · 26/12/2021 17:32

I think you are being quite harsh. It must be really hard for your mum to have fallen out with her daughter. She seems unable to take her mind off it, it sounds as if it's triggered a depression. Depression is an illness and not something you can just snap out of. I can understand your point of view about feeling second best to your sister, but she is obviously unable to get over her grief. I suppose it's like when you lose one parent, no one is going to say, "Get over it, you still have your mum/dad!" the fact that she has you and her grandson doesn't mean that she won't grieve the lost relationship with her other daughter.

I understand your frustration but I think you will need to muster up a lot more patience and understanding in the future.

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Bellyups · 26/12/2021 17:32

Don’t underestimate how bereft you mum may feel. Christmas is hard when you miss someone.
She also has a right to a social life. You aren’t a child.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 26/12/2021 17:48

Now you have a baby, can you imagine how horrendous it would feel if he didn't speak to you again?

Most people don't want visitors in the week before they give birth, and, as you say, your mum couldn't be with you anyway so why shouldn't she go out?

I can see you're hurting, but so is your mum. Any chance you can help build some bridges?

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 26/12/2021 17:49

I get it OP. I get that you want to shout 'BUT I EXIST TOO AND IM HERE!'

Your mums probably grieving.

escapingthecity · 26/12/2021 17:51

Your son won't remember this Christmas (and probably the next two as well). If you want to create special Christmases for him to remember then you have time to work out how to do that

MollysDolly · 26/12/2021 18:02

I think it's really easy to focus on what is causing your pain/problems and not realise you are neglecting the good. And this is what your mum appears to be doing. I doubt very much she's intentionally trying to make you feel rubbish, she's just consumed by the negative.
In her mind, you're good, you're happy, your fine, right? So she doesn't need to think about you.

Was it her fault that led to the falling out with your sister? She sounds completely consumed with angst and guilt. Or maybe she feels so "wronged" that your sister has cut her off, she needs to vent about it all the time. None of this is your doing, and you shouldn't have to put up with this.

You do need to say something. It's likely she has no idea how she's making you feel. Or at least to what extent. If you say it in a genuine and considered way, there's no reason why you should make things worse. Because all you're saying, in a nutshell, is "I don't want to talk solely about my sibling every time I see you, please can we focus on more positive things, like DS"

Coyoacan · 26/12/2021 18:13

I think it's really easy to focus on what is causing your pain/problems and not realise you are neglecting the good

This is so human.

I can't imagine how I would feel if my dd cut me off

Harrysmummy246 · 26/12/2021 18:40

How has this ruined baby's Christmas?
Sounds like you mean it's ruined your Christmas and a good old dose of jealousy6

Original poster
August21yellowbaby · 26/12/2021 19:03

I actually hate Mumsnet I won't be posting again, I'm not "attention seeking" I've never had attention I grew up not even aloud birthdays because it made my sister too jealous I've never even wanted the attention but what I do want is to feel like I have someone that cares about me as she's the only family I have but I don't feel like I do have her, thanks for the comments that have made me feel 100 times worse

OP posts:
Frgalone · 26/12/2021 19:09

So sorry to read this @August21yellowbaby
You've had some shocking responses on here. Of course you're feeling sad and upset and frustrated. Feeling that you're not enough for your mum. Go to the relationships board and have a look at the stately homes threads.
Your mum's being awful Flowers

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 26/12/2021 19:11

@August21yellowbaby

I actually hate Mumsnet I won't be posting again, I'm not "attention seeking" I've never had attention I grew up not even aloud birthdays because it made my sister too jealous I've never even wanted the attention but what I do want is to feel like I have someone that cares about me as she's the only family I have but I don't feel like I do have her, thanks for the comments that have made me feel 100 times worse
All you've done here is concentrate on the negatives
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 26/12/2021 19:15

Of course it's upsetting for you. I can't imagine acting like that around my other children if I fell out with one.

MrsSiba · 26/12/2021 19:29

Some parents just cannot hide that they have a favourite. Try to see past it OP. Your mum has had plenty of time to talk about it with you, you've done the listening ear bit.
Maybe focus on your new baby and reduce hope much you rely on her. Sounds like she hasn't been available for you, don't chase it. Pull back. If your mum visits, fine. If she doesn't, fine.
If all does is talk about your sister, politely move the conversation on.

Jacketpotato84 · 26/12/2021 19:30

It does sound like all she cares about is your sister you matter too!did she not speak to you at all? That's mean.
Why did your sister fall out with her?
Is your mum a narc and not getting her fuel from making people miserable (your sister)
Now is shifting her mean energies on to you I wonder?
First thought when I read this sorry.

ThirdElephant · 26/12/2021 19:41

I think there's probably a mix here of genuine slights and a bit of paranoia. For example, she should be showing an interest in you and your life and her not doing this is not good. However, a D and V bug or a cough or a COVID contact are very very good reasons not to visit a newborn.

Original poster
August21yellowbaby · 26/12/2021 21:33

@ThirdElephant

I think there's probably a mix here of genuine slights and a bit of paranoia. For example, she should be showing an interest in you and your life and her not doing this is not good. However, a D and V bug or a cough or a COVID contact are very very good reasons not to visit a newborn.
It's not paranoia because I ignored this feeling for a long time whilst pregnant and when baby was newborn, it was people around me who said how distant my mum was to me now, and that confirmed that my feeling was right, also I don't believe all the illnesses she had, I know for a fact on a couple of the occasions it was because she was hung over which is why she would let us down 😢
OP posts:
Hotyogahotchoc · 26/12/2021 21:35

Either explain how you feel or simply say things like "yes it's a shame she's not here but how lovely that we get to spend the day together" or things to point out that she's being negative and should appreciate what she has.

KylieKangaroo · 26/12/2021 21:56

I would be hurt too OP, not so much about the baby as they won't remember Christmas anyway but more about how she clearly favours your sister over you and you feel like you are not enough which is bound to make you feel crap.

Bobholll · 26/12/2021 22:12

I would be hurt in this scenario to be fair. I understand how sad it must be to fall out with your child but she’s not making much effort with you is she? Making Christmas miserable, she sounds childish & annoying. She seems happy to be with her mates but not you, which is really shit of her. Especially with a new grandchild. You’d think she’d be thrilled!

Do you speak to your sister? I’m assuming not if you say your mum is all you have..

Honestly, focus on your new family. Make your life entirely about them & being happy together. Your mum is welcome to join in when she’s willing to enjoy time with you & her grandchild. Until then, just leave it. I luckily have two loving parents but if I didn’t, my own little family would be enough. They are my everything. Anyone who isn’t interested in us can jog on.

Sending a hug OP.

HelloDulling · 26/12/2021 22:22

@August21yellowbaby

I actually hate Mumsnet I won't be posting again, I'm not "attention seeking" I've never had attention I grew up not even aloud birthdays because it made my sister too jealous I've never even wanted the attention but what I do want is to feel like I have someone that cares about me as she's the only family I have but I don't feel like I do have her, thanks for the comments that have made me feel 100 times worse
What? Almost every single post has been sympathetic, while suggesting how your mum might be feeling.
BringBackCoffeeCreams · 26/12/2021 22:23

Have some posts been completely disappeared?

Suzi888 · 26/12/2021 22:30

@Bobholll

I would be hurt in this scenario to be fair. I understand how sad it must be to fall out with your child but she’s not making much effort with you is she? Making Christmas miserable, she sounds childish & annoying. She seems happy to be with her mates but not you, which is really shit of her. Especially with a new grandchild. You’d think she’d be thrilled!

Do you speak to your sister? I’m assuming not if you say your mum is all you have..

Honestly, focus on your new family. Make your life entirely about them & being happy together. Your mum is welcome to join in when she’s willing to enjoy time with you & her grandchild. Until then, just leave it. I luckily have two loving parents but if I didn’t, my own little family would be enough. They are my everything. Anyone who isn’t interested in us can jog on.

Sending a hug OP.

^ I agree with this. Your mum isn’t making an effort with her new grandchild, she has a lot to be thankful for and should be making more effort before her other daughter falls out with her! I can’t understand some of these responses at all Confused.
SnowdropSally · 26/12/2021 22:31

@August21yellowbaby

I actually hate Mumsnet I won't be posting again, I'm not "attention seeking" I've never had attention I grew up not even aloud birthdays because it made my sister too jealous I've never even wanted the attention but what I do want is to feel like I have someone that cares about me as she's the only family I have but I don't feel like I do have her, thanks for the comments that have made me feel 100 times worse
In the kindest possible way I haven’t seen one nasty comment on this thread. I have grown up children and I don’t know how I’d feel if one of them never spoke to me although I imagine I’d be heartbroken.

Maybe speak to your mum?