Feel like my mum ruined baby's first Christmas should I be angry?

[August21yellowbaby]

I just need to rant sorry it’s a long one 😥😥

I don’t know whether to be annoyed at my mum or not but I feel like my sons first Christmas was pretty much ruined (I know he won’t remember but I will)

So my mum and sister fell out 18 months ago. And since then my mum has been pretty low. And I do understand that it must be horrible to fall out with your daughter but I completely feel like I’m not enough and even worse I feel like my baby isn’t enough to make her at least a little bit happy

All she ever talks about when I see her is my sister, throughout my pregnancy she only really talked about my sister whenever she did come and see me which was probably once every 2 weeks and she lives 2 roads away from me

She knew I was due for a c section on the Monday and didn’t come to see me the week leading up to it, and went to a festival over the weekend in which I went into labour on the Friday, I know she couldn’t of been with me anyway but not really the point

My mum used to be so good to me, and she just doesn’t seem to care about me anymore, I feel like she was only a good mum when it was involving my sister

When my son was born she was always making excuses not to come round, multiple “tummy bugs” or “colds” or she had been in contact with someone who had covid symptoms etc

Anyway, we have always had Christmas at her house, and she always makes loads of effort, a nice dinner and good atmosphere and yesterday was absolutely awful, she didn’t talk to anyone at the table, the atmosphere was horrendous, I asked her what was wrong and she just said it was hard without my sister

I’m just getting really really sick of it and makes me feel like all she’s ever cared about is my sister , I have no other family my mum is all I have but i don’t even feel like I have her anymore, I’ve tried saying to go to the doctors if she’s feeling down, or get some therapy, I try explaining people are much worse off and have lost relatives to covid / cancer etc and that she can’t be miserable for the rest of her life

On the other hand though, my mum is constantly out with her friends every weekend, so I think we’ll she can’t be they bad ? My partner keeps telling me to tell her how I feel but I feel like I don’t have the heart to make her feel worse 😥

I'd post again on Relationships, @August21yellowbaby, with a different title.

Given how often posters are told to go NC with their awful relatives, maybe op has an awful mum with whom her dsis had gone NC. And op is left with the fall out.

That's gotta feel shitty op. Feeling like your mum is only interested in your sister. Consider cutting down contact with her, even if it's to protect your self esteem while you work out how you want to move forward.

Take care of yourself.

I think it is unkind to suggest that you are being harsh or negative. My Mum lost my only sibling to cancer a few years ago but manages to get through Christmas and indeed life without it being all about missing him. Obviously we do but she looks on it that she's lucky to have me and her grandchildren. I would have a chat with your Mum after Christmas and tell her how you feel. She needs to focus on what she has rather than on what she doesn't have. Sending sympathy.

Are you still talking to your sister op? Any chance you could broker a resolution between them?

It does sound like your mum is too focused on the issue - and I get your frustration.

Sounds more like you ruined Xmas! The world doesn't revolve around you of course your mums upset that both her daughters aren't there to celebrate

What happened with you sister? Did she cut your mum out with no explanation or reason which would understandably leave your mum bereft. Or has your mum’s behaviour driven her away?

If you weren’t allowed a birthday growing up was this because your sister made it impossible with her behaviour or because your mum favoured her?

I think some of these responses are harsh. You’ve just had a baby, I think any normal mum would have been a bit happier and supportive. I would take a step back. You have a family of your own now. Next Christmas I would spend it together creating your own traditions.

@Missey85

Sounds more like you ruined Xmas! The world doesn't revolve around you of course your mums upset that both her daughters aren't there to celebrate

How did I ruin Christmas when I was making effort all day to try and talk to my mum and comfort her but she just kept shutting me down? All I wanted was abit of conversation from my mum and maybe for her to pay my son abit of attention, but yes your right, I need to stop thinking the world revolves round me

@DarkDarkNight

What happened with you sister? Did she cut your mum out with no explanation or reason which would understandably leave your mum bereft. Or has your mum’s behaviour driven her away?

If you weren’t allowed a birthday growing up was this because your sister made it impossible with her behaviour or because your mum favoured her?

I think some of these responses are harsh. You’ve just had a baby, I think any normal mum would have been a bit happier and supportive. I would take a step back. You have a family of your own now. Next Christmas I would spend it together creating your own traditions.

It was both of their faults for the fall out, they were both playing games with each Others feelings, very controlling to one another, ended up in a massive fall out which I tried for a year to prevent but they both tried turning me against the other. My sister is 110% a narcissist, not to sure about my mum anymore

She is grieving the relationship with your sister and her while self worth will be shattered by this estrangement. In turn, her withdrawal from family life is hurtful to you. You’re best giving her the space to grieve and whatever you do, don’t take this personally. You must give her time.
What did they fall out over? Can you be a bridge to help them make up? Sorry it put a downer on your baby’s first Christmas but be forgiving towards your mother.

You know she's wrapped up in herself and her grief - why spend Christmas with her? It sounds like you'd benefit from taking a big step back from the relationship

You've had some nasty responses from people with zero emotional intelligence. Just ignore them. They get a kick out of making people feel worse at a bad time.

Of course you're upset and jealous and hurt and bewildered. Not just for yourself but on behalf of your baby. And of course it's perfectly acceptable and normal to have certain expectations of the people we love. You bloody should be able to rely on your own mum to be on hand during the weekend you give birth to her grandchild, rather than partying at a festival and then too hungover to visit. I can't imagine any of the grandparents I know being too hungover to visit the baby on multiple occasions and making up excuses about stomach bugs etc. That doesn't mean she's not entitled to a social life. It just means that you are entitled to expect that she would have a certain level of interest and investment in you and your baby. That's not too much to ask from your mum. It's a very Mumsnet thing this idea that parenting stops when your kids reach 18 and they no longer should expect any involvement from you. I don't know any (healthy) families like that in real life.

I think you just need to take a step back and let her get on with it. It's really sad that she is letting you down and doesn't seem able to be happy for what she has got, but she's the only one who can change that. You need to protect yourself from being hurt. The only way to do that really is to manage your expectations because it appears she is not willing or able to live up to them, even though they are perfectly normal and reasonable. I wouldn't be calling or texting her. Let her do the legwork and just distance yourself a bit. Don't invest in the relationship. Self preservation. Don't let it spoil this time while your baby is little. Focus all your attention on him and just enjoy every minute with him.

Hugs @August21yellowbaby
I'm a mum of adult children and can't imagine not being supportive of them, even if I was having a tricky time myself.
Ignore the nasty posters and take note of the nice ones
And come over to stately homes where people understand xx

Sorry OP I’d feel exactly the same as you. Ignore the people gaslighting you, your reaction is totally relatable, of course you would expect your mum to be there for her child and grandchild. I too have felt let down by my parents and one of them ruined my baby’s first Christmas last year by shipping us back across the country in a taxi! Parents are not perfect people and often let their kids down and unfortunately you’ve seen that first hand. But that is HER problem not yours. You deserve better: It sounds like your mum and sister are both toxic and you’d be better off without expecting anything from either of them anymore. Time to create your own family with you at the head, and stop wasting your precious energy on your mum and save it for your baby who will always need you Xx

Christmas is this weekend, how is your child’s first Christmas ruined?

It was last year. Zombie thread.

My mum fell out with my brother and I hear about it everyday. The thing is I think she would be the same if it was the other way around and it was me she had fell out with. Parents become fixated on the child they are having problems with, it doesn’t mean they love you any less. I get it though, you feel like you are not enough sometimes