When is too much enough? Co-parenting

[Alluvials]

Looking for experiences and advice regarding my current situation. I have a 2yo daughter with my ex who has been doing week on week off 50/50 for a while now. I am expecting another baby any time now with my new partner who has been in our lives since my first daughter was barely months old, and he's been a huge part of her life.

We are currently only living in this city/state because of the custody arrangement, we tried to negotiate moving further away (3hrs) as partner and I both had better work/life/family opportunities there but that was turned down.
The longer we do 50/50 for the more I see my daughter struggling with the changeovers, and the more and more unhappy both my partner and I are becoming being stuck in this city, where I have never wanted to live and have horrible memories here.
My ex, the father of my first daughter, is also becoming increasingly horrible to deal with and has also been developing a relationship with my mother who I have no contact with due to her toxicity.

It is so hard to not think about just giving up my 50% share of the care and becoming a "weekend Mum" or such, so that my new family can pursue happiness and better opportunities elsewhere where we actually want to live. We are huge homebodies and lifestylers so where we live is extremely important to us. I feel like a horrible mother even contemplating this, especially at such a young age for my daughter, but with more children on the way and an unhappy partner, and ghastly to deal with co-parent, I just see no end to this suffering and it's really effecting my mental health now.

I sought legal advice and unfortunately there is no way the courts where I live would grant me permission to take my daughter with us for relocation. I feel so stuck. I feel like I really understand why men become "weekend dads" more often than women, and feel bad for ever judging them. Has anyone been through this? Did you perservere with the arrangements or did you break free and figure out something better? :( thanks

I have no idea what a lifestyler is. But I do know what a good mum is and it's not someone that would abandon their daughter. Sorry but you need to find a solution that priorities your daughter.

You sound stuck between a rock and a hard place.
But honestly the idea of leaving my daughter in more of less full time care with the man you describe, who is developing a relationship with your toxic mother, and the prospect of what her childhood would be like in that scenario I couldn't proritise my discomfort at my circumstances against the kind of emotional damage (that would be inevitable in that scenario) she would suffer for years, and choose to improve my life and make hers worse.
Ok so your situation isn't ideal, but your daughter shouldn't take the greatest hit for the consequences of choices made that were not hers.
In a few years a court order will be irrelevant as she will be older and will ultimately choose where she wants to spend her time, if her relationship with you is healthy she may well decide not to spend as much (if any) time with him and no court will force her against her wishes.
Please don't abandon your daughter for a nicer life for your new family, she would carry those scars for ever. Love her more than you would love a nice life elsewhere, she deserves that.

The majority of posters on here aren’t over critical of fathers doing this but I think they’re held to different standards than women. Could you split it monday- thursday and Friday- Sunday? That would allow you to move away and keep almost 50/50. I’m not sure how well 50/50 works long term if you’re not living very closely as the child would be cut off from friends/ hobbies etc though

If she’s only 2 it will be a lot of years before a court would allow her a free choice of where to live! I think it’s generally kids over 10 who are asked for an a opinion

Even if the courts don't give the child a say until they are 10, I still stand by what I said.

The disruption of week on week off has been discussed here before. It sounds like far from ideal so I would prioritise changing that for your DD.

At the expense of her own mum? The court order has instructed it so the only way op can change it is to relinquish her dd to her father.

No absolutely not. So if the arrangement is deemed unsuitable anf disruptive for a child, it still cannot be changed?

Whatever you do, keep your child with you. You are her mum and thats very important, above everything else, particularly your 'lifestyling'

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

No absolutely not. So if the arrangement is deemed unsuitable anf disruptive for a child, it still cannot be changed?

I took from op's post the courts wouldn't consider a change but would be great if they could, as you say, 50/50 is hard on kids and rebalancing that would be great. But the thought of the dd losing a caring parent to a parent who is interested in being difficult and toxic grandparents makes my hair curl. I don't think it's a mum/dad issue, no child wants to lose any parent but if a parent does take a lesser role in their life through relationship breakdown or whatever it shouldn't be to leave their child in the care of someone who is not nurturing whether that is the mother or the father. An acquaintance of mine has just lost their son to suicide. The son was raised by the mother who was emotionally unstable and damaging as a parent. When the son was very young the parents split up and the father stepped away and accepted the mother taking majority caring role without a fight. The son suffered for years. He's not suffering anymore.

You seem to have moved on and got pregnant with a new partner very quickly.

Agree with other PPs that this is a difficult situation but you can’t just move on and have A ‘new’ family. Week on, week off will become even more disruptive as your DD gets older.

I think stepping back like this would be s big step towards relinquishing your relationship with your daughter. Are you going to drive 3 hours (12 hours total collect/home/return/home) every weekend when you have a newborn?

Also, do you think it is in your daughter's best interests to leave her with her dad for that long a time?

Is there anywhere closer than 3 hours away you can move to, maybe 30-60 minutes instead?

This is a very big decision. I've known people make a similar decision and no longer have a relationship with their child. At all, because the child felt abandoned (+ other reasons inextricably linked).

Can you talk to gingerbread or another family charity about this? To have someone to talk through all the pressures you are under with and about how hard your daughter is finding 50/50.

I would try relate or similar for a few months with your current partner to give you an opportunity to talk things through.

Your current partner knowingly got into a relationship with someone who has a child and 50:50 contact.

I would try to put myself in your daughters shies how she would feel later on knowing you made a decision to reduce contact and move 3 hours away ( I would be saying this to any father too).

My mindset is that when we have these little people, our wants and wishes all move into a context of what feels like doing the right thing by them. Kids don't choose to be born..we make that decision for them and therefore have a responsibility to see our commitments through. Even in very challenging circumstances.

I hope you can find ways of making your life feel more settled and enjoyable where you are, whilst still keeping the commitment you made when you had your little girl.

I hope your partner can come to see that there is no way you can live ,3 hours away as a decent parent also. Just things like school call and she's unwell. Do you want to be the one who can never go and help? Who can never have her friends over,? Who can't make it to the hospital until 3 hrs later If shes broken her arm? To me that just isn't parenting any more.

You aren't in the UK by the sound of it so the legal situation will be unknown to most uk MNers. But if the courts and your ex won't agree yes you are stuck but you need to then take a deep breath and make your life work for you and your daughter and your new baby. Sitting around feeling resentful won't help. Try to think of positives. Not easy I know. I was stick for 20 years living somewhere I didn't want to live be my new DH had kids with his ex who we had 50/50. It was incredibly difficult and we had a hard time making sure everyone got what they needed. I know our DD struggled as a result ( she felt we cared more about her half siblings, which wasn't true) and she and I have talked lots about how we might have done it differently since she has been an adult but I can't see how.

Thanks for all the different opinions that have come through.

When I found out I was pregnant I was too far along to make a choice, and had been told I was infertile by my fertility specialist so it was a surprise. When my new partner (now fiance) arrived I had 100% care of her. It has only been since she has been older the 50/50 has been ongoing.
For further context, I am a PTSD survivor from happenings in this town and my plan at the time of finding out I was pregnant with first DD was to get far, far away. My partner is very supportive of staying, he loves DD dearly, and of course no decision would be made lightly and I'm sure all the mother's here know what the likely decision would be, due to natural maternal instinct.

It is interesting to read others opinions, good and bad, and I value them and your time. I won't be reading any more as it is triggering but appreciate the responses.

I was the child in this scenario. Luckily, I have a great Dad, but I know that I’ve got some mummy issues because she moved away and I saw her every other weekend and half the holidays. Similarly, she went on to have further children, and I felt that I wasn’t good enough and that the ‘new’ children were more important to her. They went on to move even further away so we barely had any physical contact for years.

Like I said, my Dad is awesome and I’ve been really lucky to have had such a great life. I do however feel that children in particular really do need their mother, perhaps because mine wasn’t around so much, I don’t know. I don’t mean to minimise father’s in any way!

I really wouldn’t recommend moving away and being a weekend mum so that your “new family can pursue happiness”. Your daughter is your existing family, take care of her first and don’t abandon her because you’ve got a new man and a new kid. I’m sorry if that’s sounds harsh, and perhaps I am overly sensitive, but that’s how I felt and feel as the child of this scenario!

Great post NewtoHolland

"TopCatsTopHat* I hope when you say he isn't suffering anymore you mean things are better for him.

No, just awful, as I say he was lost to suicide.

Oh I'm so sorry, I was reading in bed and didn't see that What an awful situation and so avoidable as you say.

Before I answer I just want to be clear.
You want to stop 50/50 contact and just see your daughter on weekends so you can prioritise your new partner of 18 months and any new children you may have? You also want to move 3 hours away from your child to benefit any future children?

Is that right?

I’m guessing OP is in the US, I’ve got a friend and someone I knew loosely through work who were in similar situations.

My friend (who is British but has US residency) is stuck living somewhere she would never choose because her ex will not give her permission to leave that state with their shared DC. She has to ask permission to take her out of state, even for a weekend. The state is one of the lowest for education attainment and lots of other things. The only way she could move is: if ex gives permission, if HE moves out of state or the DC is 18 (about 10 years off).

The other person I knew, their DC chose to come to the UK at 18 to live with their DM.

Their courts/custody work very different to ours and everything costs a fortune. No advice OP, but I understand how difficult it is.

Could you compromise and move just out of town to a more rural location? Say no more than 30 minutes away? To make pick up \ drop off a later on school run easier?
I understand your need to move on, but unfortunately it isn't just you anymore. Your DD does deserve a relationship with her dad - however incapable he may seem.
I think you need to make the best of a bad situation and move on in your head for the sake of both children.

Don’t people consider what state they live in before they have DC? Like we do here? Move for good schools etc.

Personally I wouldn’t ditch my 2yo to run off and start a “new family” but you do you.

You need to tell us what a lifestyler is.