When is too much enough? Co-parenting

[Alluvials]

Looking for experiences and advice regarding my current situation. I have a 2yo daughter with my ex who has been doing week on week off 50/50 for a while now. I am expecting another baby any time now with my new partner who has been in our lives since my first daughter was barely months old, and he's been a huge part of her life.

We are currently only living in this city/state because of the custody arrangement, we tried to negotiate moving further away (3hrs) as partner and I both had better work/life/family opportunities there but that was turned down.
The longer we do 50/50 for the more I see my daughter struggling with the changeovers, and the more and more unhappy both my partner and I are becoming being stuck in this city, where I have never wanted to live and have horrible memories here.
My ex, the father of my first daughter, is also becoming increasingly horrible to deal with and has also been developing a relationship with my mother who I have no contact with due to her toxicity.

It is so hard to not think about just giving up my 50% share of the care and becoming a "weekend Mum" or such, so that my new family can pursue happiness and better opportunities elsewhere where we actually want to live. We are huge homebodies and lifestylers so where we live is extremely important to us. I feel like a horrible mother even contemplating this, especially at such a young age for my daughter, but with more children on the way and an unhappy partner, and ghastly to deal with co-parent, I just see no end to this suffering and it's really effecting my mental health now.

I sought legal advice and unfortunately there is no way the courts where I live would grant me permission to take my daughter with us for relocation. I feel so stuck. I feel like I really understand why men become "weekend dads" more often than women, and feel bad for ever judging them. Has anyone been through this? Did you perservere with the arrangements or did you break free and figure out something better? :( thanks

have a 2yo daughter with my ex who has been doing week on week off 50/50 for a while now

How did 50/50 come about? Was it court ordered?

In a very few years (3??) you have had a child, separated, met a new man, got pregnant again and now feel it's right to move somewhere different. I really think you need a period of stability as perhaps you are making too many decisions that might not be in your best interests.

Get therapy rather rather than moving as it feels like you want to run away from the issues (perhaps understandably).

You feel unhappy being close to a toxic ex and mother but surely that means you have to stay around to protect your daughter?

See how the situation is in a few years...let all the emotions settle and get used to parenting with 2 children. Maybe revisit when your daughter is able to articulate her feelings, probadly closer to age 9 or 10.

Welcome to parenthood

Children are often hard and meeting their needs can be inconvenient… your job is to suck it up and make their world as good as you can

Not to fuck them off to prioritise your new shiny partner and lesa troublesome baby Im the way

Yes now you see why dads don’t bother and leave it all to mums… it’s fucking hard

Im sorry if someone told you parenting was easy

But op has already buggered off becuase she’s not getting told to just do what she likes at her kids expense

Nice

No wonder so many adults are so fucked up

I hope that you're getting some therapy, help and support with your trauma and I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. Obviously it doesn't negate your responsibility to your child, who really really needs you. You are still an adult and still a mother. I hope you can find a way to feel more at peace in your situation, without running out and making her collateral damage of the trauma you've been through. Accepting your responsibility to her is possibly part of your own healing and rebuilding.

@RussianSpy101 I don’t know the full details of my friends situation but I think she was there for work, met him, got married and had DC. Split before DC was school age and then she ended up stuck there. I think she’s quite happy in the US and has a new DH, she’d just prefer to live in another area/state.

I’m not sure if she knew loads about US law and custody either. I mean, here (UK) it’s rare that people are prevented from moving wherever they like. If she’d had DC here and lived in Edinburgh, but wanted to move to Southampton, there wouldn’t be much to stop her. I remember reading a case years ago where a DF wanted to stop his EXW and DCs moving to Australia as it would destroy their relationship as he couldn’t afford to fly out there/have them fly back here. Judge ruled they could go anyway. He probably never saw them again.

It is so hard to not think about just giving up my 50% share of the care and becoming a "weekend Mum" or such, so that my new family can pursue happiness and better opportunities elsewhere where we actually want to live.

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

Oh I'm so sorry, I was reading in bed and didn't see that What an awful situation and so avoidable as you say.

Yes, ghastly, no one wins in that situation. 😢

Homebody? A home for you but not for your 2yr old DD?
I think in the end a move 3hrs away would make life a lot worse for you, I am not sure you will be able to end up feeling good about it. I really hope you can get professional help with your issues before you make any decision.

The thought of a 2.5yo wondering where mummy has gone absolutely breaks my heart. Please don’t do this to her.

Quite shocked you would even consider giving your daughter up to be a weekend mum so you can go off and live a happy life with your new fiance and new baby.