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Parenting

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Original poster

Staying u til todler falls asleep - good o bad?

38 replies

Topeira · 17/12/2021 18:44

Hi everyone.
I am a father of 2 girls. One is 5 and the other is 2.

When our 5 year old, called M, was 2 y\o, me or my wife would stay in her room on a chair until she fell asleep, because if we tried leaving the room she would cry (when she was in a crib) or leave the bed (when she was in a regular bed).
Now she's 5 and will be really annoyed and often cry if we left the room before she's completely asleep.

Our 2 y\o (i'll call her R) was used to be left in her bed and thats it. She would just stay awake for a few minutes and fall asleep on her own peacefully. But about a month or two ago she started crying when we left the room and my wife insists on staying in her room untill she's asleep and only then leave.
Now we can never leave the room with her awake. She's always crying.

I feel like thats the same mistake we did with M who now wont fall asleep without us.
I think that leaving while R is awake is OK. She will call us and cry for 2 minutes and calm down and fall asleep and i think thats OK. She will grow accustomed to this and will eventually stop expecting us to stay by her side. Thats what im thinking.
My wife thinks there's no reason a baby (toddler?) Should cry herself to sleep. She's too young for this kind of education. Its making her feel bad for letting R fall asleep crying.

Since i see that even at 5 y\o my wife isnt even trying to wean M from falling asleep in our presence, i dont want to go this route with R as well.

However, im ok with changing my mind if i get advised to stay with R until she's asleep for as long as she's crying. Even if its past 5y\o.
If leaving her to cry is harmful than i dont want to do it. If its normal than i am willing to endure the heartache of hearing her crying.

Sorry for my english, btw

Thanks for reading.

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Franca123 · 17/12/2021 19:02

It's totally up to you to decide. But ours often cry for 5 mins after we put them to bed. It's not something that ever worries us. Both of ours are happy, well adjusted and pleasant.

Fallagain · 17/12/2021 21:53

I believe leaving a child to cry by themselves is neglecting. Different people have different opinions. This is something you need to talk to your wife about.

cherrytree975 · 17/12/2021 23:43

I sometimes leave my toddler DD to cry for five minutes if necessary when going to sleep. I’ve tried sitting in the room and going in and out, but the distraction/stimulation meant she would take an hour to 90 minutes to fall asleep - not good for her or me.

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RavingAnnie · 17/12/2021 23:49

There is no way I'd be entertaining that. But I have no patience for that sort of malarkey. There's nothing wrong with them, they don't need to be crying and don't need you sat there. They need to be taught to self soothe.

Peanutmnm · 17/12/2021 23:55

You couldn't pay me enough money to do that shit night after night. It's no good for any of you. Some people do it but honestly, for me it's a huuuuuugggeeee no.

LowlyTheWorm · 17/12/2021 23:58

I think the issue would be why it’s okay for the little one to cry but not the older one.
Perhaps the older one needs some encouragement to start to learn to sleep without crying and without someone there- and the little one could perhaps have someone there for a bit and then working towards independence too.

The no cry sleep solution? (It’s a book) or a star chart for the older one…

NotVictorianHonestly · 18/12/2021 00:11

A very personal decision but I would never leave my child to cry unless I absolutely had to. I want them to know that if they need me I'll always be there. Also I wouldn't leave an adult to cry themselves to sleep, so why a child? They're only small for a short time in the grand scheme of things and I intend to snuggle mine to sleep for as long as they want it.

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 18/12/2021 00:47

I don't believe in leaving them to cry themselves to sleep it feels so wrong. DS wanted us in his room and we did until he was nearly 3, we've got a yoto player now and he likes the thunder rain sounds for sleep, so now one of us reads him a story and says goodnight, at first I'd tell him I'd be in the next room and would be, and after a while that I'd be upstairs (I'd put laundry away, wipe the bathroom over, Mumsnet etc) and check on him after ten minutes. The transition was surprisingly painless, I think the rain sounds really work for him and the security of knowing that we're still around even if not in the room and he's usually asleep by the time I go back after ten minutes

Original poster

Topeira · 18/12/2021 17:44

@Peanutmnm

You couldn't pay me enough money to do that shit night after night. It's no good for any of you. Some people do it but honestly, for me it's a huuuuuugggeeee no.

Which option is a huge no?

OP posts:

Peanutmnm · 19/12/2021 08:54

Sitting by your child till they sleep. Any crying has been minimal when you put your foot down (in our house anyway). Kids dont like going to bed, they dont like car seats either. I would never leave one scared or ill but I also wont let them dictate how I spend the only few hours I should have free in the day. Occasionally one of them gets those few hours (sick, scared or whatever reason they are resistant to going to sleep) but not every night for years and years.

Outlyingtrout · 19/12/2021 09:05

It’s not good or bad necessarily. It’s a parenting choice and you have to weigh up what is best for everyone in your family. I don’t leave my children to cry. Never have and never will. I don’t think they “need” to learn to self soothe. Like all the other things I’ve been judged for as a parent (I’m very attachment-style), they will get there in their own time. They aren’t clingy or lacking in confidence, very much the opposite in fact. Extremely confident and independent children in a developmentally appropriate way. I don’t worry at all that I will be cuddling them to sleep at 17.
If for whatever reason it’s having a negative impact on you and your wife then by all means address it. But it’s not “bad” and you don’t need to change anything just because it’s the done thing for other families.

ColdShouldersWarmTummy · 19/12/2021 09:11

I am like your wife and my toddler sleeps terribly 😬

Tbh I am coming around to your (and my husband's) way of thinking. I just can't do it though, which is why DH is now in charge of bedtime.

TradedAtlanta · 19/12/2021 09:16

You might give a thought to what's happened that your 2y/o now wants you to lie with her. I also have a 2y/o. When she was a baby I used to feed her to sleep, then very gradually did less and less and until she was able to be put in the cot and left to go to sleep without getting upset. Recently she started wanting me to lie on her floor whilst she went to sleep and I was sometimes in there until 9.30!!!!! This week we tried reducing and then stopping her nap and she's back to being asleep in no time on her own. She's also sleeping much better overnight. So for her the reason she wanted me in there was that she just wasn't tired enough and was horribly bored lying in her cot on her own.

TooMinty · 19/12/2021 09:20

I do think you need to do the same approach for both kids though - can't really leave the younger one if you sit with the older one...
What about putting them both in the same bedroom so they aren't alone? Or give them audiobooks or CBeebies radio to listen to while they fall asleep?

motheroflions · 19/12/2021 09:29

With your 5 year old i would read a couple of stories with her then tell her you are sitting out side the room with a book. She then knows you are just outside the room and if she checks you are actually there. Then gradually she will get used to you not being in the room when she drifts off but still very close by. I used to do this with dd3 ( with a glass of wine and my book!) She just has two stories now and I come straight down stairs.

With your little one I would leave and basically do the same but go back in and do shush shush pat pat, then leave and repeat but not picking them up for a cuddle.

You and your wife will have to do this together so its not left down to one person.

I never left any of mine to cry it out. Good luck!

Alayalaya · 19/12/2021 09:29

I don’t leave my child to cry. At 2 he can’t understand why he isn’t getting the love he’s asking for. You can’t explain to a baby so you need to sit with him as he wants you to. But I would say by 3 and certainly by 4 he can understand when you explain it’s time for bed, mama has to go downstairs and wash the dishes. I tell him he can shout if he needs me and I give him a little torch then I go downstairs. It’s very bad to sit with him on purpose, you need to give him a chance to succeed at doing it by himself.

Loveinacoldishclimate · 19/12/2021 09:33

I agree there’s no right or wrong as such.

I stay with my DC until they sleep. It takes minutes. Longer if something is going on eg they are about to be ill (but don’t know it yet - always a reason). I flick Instagram and get some extra cuddles.

Happy well adjusted super smart DC. I would never leave a child to cry.

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 19/12/2021 09:45

I think there's a difference between leaving your child to sob their heart out and pass out in exhaustion or leave for 5 min as a protest cry and then they settle.

I would never leave my child longer than 5 mins max if they were crying. Whatever you do you need to do it for both.

Could you do like a reduction. Talk to 5yo and explain bed time. How's she's a big girl and going to sleep. Settled. Snuggle. Leave. Back in at regular intervals to settle again and make the intervals longer?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/12/2021 09:47

It’s not for me- I’d wean them both off that crutch- evenings are short and there’s too much to do to be holding the hand of my kids to sleep night after night

Fuscialuscia · 19/12/2021 13:30

Snuggling and being with our daughter while she falls asleep is hands down the best part of our day- she feels safe, loved, and goes to sleep knowing we’re there for her. Wouldn’t have it any other way

MonkeyPuddle · 19/12/2021 13:45

I’m absolutely not a parent who will sit for hours in the dark while a child dicks about and doesn’t go to sleep.
DS settled himself off to sleep easily, he’s 4 now and still loves going to bed.
DD is a different kettle of fish, we have used the Ferber method of controlled crying as she was not getting more than an hours sleep before waking, could take two hours to go down despite being shattered. My mental health was suffering and I need to be on the ball at work. Something had to give, so we sleep trained her, yes, she cried, but it took 2 days and now she sleeps well.

KeyLimeFly · 19/12/2021 13:47

Tbh I think why even have kids if sitting with them for 10 minutes to make them feel secure is such a huge issue.

HardbackWriter · 19/12/2021 13:50

Are you always both home at bedtime? If not surely it's not an option for them both to have someone sit with them until they go to sleep?

Starcaller · 19/12/2021 13:50

It's one of my fave parts of the day! We read a story, light goes out and we cuddle up and she falls asleep within about 10-15 mins and then I get back up. I really enjoy that cuddly, quiet time together at the end of the day. If it took ages I might feel differently I suppose, but even on the odd nights she takes longer, I just read stuff on my phone, etc.

Original poster

Topeira · 19/12/2021 17:40

@MonkeyPuddle

I’m absolutely not a parent who will sit for hours in the dark while a child dicks about and doesn’t go to sleep. DS settled himself off to sleep easily, he’s 4 now and still loves going to bed. DD is a different kettle of fish, we have used the Ferber method of controlled crying as she was not getting more than an hours sleep before waking, could take two hours to go down despite being shattered. My mental health was suffering and I need to be on the ball at work. Something had to give, so we sleep trained her, yes, she cried, but it took 2 days and now she sleeps well.

How did you sleep-train her? What was the methodology and how long did it take till it worked? how old was she at the time?

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