Staying u til todler falls asleep - good o bad?

[Topeira]

Hi everyone.
I am a father of 2 girls. One is 5 and the other is 2.

When our 5 year old, called M, was 2 y\o, me or my wife would stay in her room on a chair until she fell asleep, because if we tried leaving the room she would cry (when she was in a crib) or leave the bed (when she was in a regular bed).
Now she's 5 and will be really annoyed and often cry if we left the room before she's completely asleep.

Our 2 y\o (i'll call her R) was used to be left in her bed and thats it. She would just stay awake for a few minutes and fall asleep on her own peacefully. But about a month or two ago she started crying when we left the room and my wife insists on staying in her room untill she's asleep and only then leave.
Now we can never leave the room with her awake. She's always crying.

I feel like thats the same mistake we did with M who now wont fall asleep without us.
I think that leaving while R is awake is OK. She will call us and cry for 2 minutes and calm down and fall asleep and i think thats OK. She will grow accustomed to this and will eventually stop expecting us to stay by her side. Thats what im thinking.
My wife thinks there's no reason a baby (toddler?) Should cry herself to sleep. She's too young for this kind of education. Its making her feel bad for letting R fall asleep crying.

Since i see that even at 5 y\o my wife isnt even trying to wean M from falling asleep in our presence, i dont want to go this route with R as well.

However, im ok with changing my mind if i get advised to stay with R until she's asleep for as long as she's crying. Even if its past 5y\o.
If leaving her to cry is harmful than i dont want to do it. If its normal than i am willing to endure the heartache of hearing her crying.

Sorry for my english, btw

Thanks for reading.

Sleep training involves consistency, setting the boundaries and routine before bedtime. Explain tonight they are going to go to sleep by themselves, night night and walk out- they cry, ignore for 2 mins- go back in and sssh say night night and walk out (no further explanation), they cry again, leave for 5 mins (my max was 10mins). They come out of their bedroom, return them with no communication. And repeat every night until it gets easier

I sat with mine, still do my youngest (4 now). They all seemed to get sick of me by 5/6 so I’m not terribly fussed.

That said mine were all terrible sleepers. My 4 year old still doesn’t sleep through.

@Topeira if you Google the ‘Ferber method’ that’s what I used. She was 6mo and it took 3 nights.

Mine never cried themselves to sleep at that age, because they never knew us sitting in the room with them was an option. We never started it in the first place, just didn't want them shouting out in the night to repeat the process when they stirred.
Was quite happy to leave them to cry a bit when younger and encouraged reliance on blankets and teddies for comfort. The daylight hours I was all theirs, but once lights were out I needed a break.
Now 19 and 16 and we all slept great all their childhoods, no sleep deprived memories and all bonded well enough.

Don't train DC to have issues.

I worried when I had DC1, and she was awful at settling. My neighbour, a retired midwife, said to me just put her down to sleep and let her get on with it, no fussing. I took that approach, cuddle and kiss, into bed, after that leave the room, if crying I'd pop back, few pats, no eye contact, leave. Once my approach changed, it worked.

With DC2 I would put down for naps and not even worry about noise, could clean & vacuum and he was fine. Both good sleepers.

I sincerely think that parents set DC up to accept sleep as a normal process, or set up so DC think they should and can demand attention as though it's an issue.

I think it's very dependent on the individual situation. I used to do that but then every time he woke in the night he expected me there and cried. Before that i was actually holding him up sleep until he got too big, that was even worse.
After doing the leave and come back method he was eventually able to sleep through the night at around 18 months.
Now he's turned two he's scared to sleep on his own, wakes up randomly screaming and it sounds like he's being imminently attacked by a lion or something, really scared, but we have no idea why.
Good luck.

@cptartapp

Mine never cried themselves to sleep at that age, because they never knew us sitting in the room with them was an option. We never started it in the first place, just didn't want them shouting out in the night to repeat the process when they stirred. Was quite happy to leave them to cry a bit when younger and encouraged reliance on blankets and teddies for comfort. The daylight hours I was all theirs, but once lights were out I needed a break. Now 19 and 16 and we all slept great all their childhoods, no sleep deprived memories and all bonded well enough.

My 2yo didn't crey either until about 3 months ago for some reason. Once she started crying my wife sat with her. I claimed that this builds a habit of sitting by her side which will enforce crying, but she said she can't hear DD crying to sleep. So the habbit of us by her side wasn't from the get go. she has blanket and teddies but those can't sing her and look like us, so they don't work during night time. Blankets work during daytime though.

We sort of found a solution for our 2y\o DD -
We have a WiFi speaker so we put it in the kids room and we play calm songs (Via Spotify) she likes. We stay with her a bit for our own fun and after perhaps 10 minutes of peaceful time together, we leave the room while Spotify is working and she's fine with it.

It worked a few nights and we hope it will keep working until she no longer feels like she needs us and builds confident in staying alone.

@Peanutmnm

Sitting by your child till they sleep. Any crying has been minimal when you put your foot down (in our house anyway). Kids dont like going to bed, they dont like car seats either. I would never leave one scared or ill but I also wont let them dictate how I spend the only few hours I should have free in the day. Occasionally one of them gets those few hours (sick, scared or whatever reason they are resistant to going to sleep) but not every night for years and years.

Totally agree with this. All this "child centred" parenting has ended up with miserable, crying children who wont go to bed or eat anything without whining. Children need love, stability and boundaries which come about by good parenting. They need to know that you are making the decisions, that they are safe not that its scary so a parent needs to sit there.

Thanks for the update op, in fact i could have written a similar update, our son i put a music player in with him at bed time. Now he asks for " night time sleepy music" as soon as i finished his book and he's happy for me to go away for a few minutes to "find" the player, then by the time i bring it back it's not such a separation for me to go away and leave him. Phew!
Hope things carry on well due you. Take care

DS is 4. He goes to sleep on his own and that has been a gradual process. He wasn't ever left to cry.

I never left my kids to cry, but from first night home I put them down to sleep and left them. I'd go back in if they cried for more than a few seconds but didn't pick up just soothed them with voice and touch and again would leave. My first was great my second took longer but by three months she was fine to go down at 7.30 and after another sleepy feed at 11 when I went up would only wake once for another feed and soon not at all.
By the age your kids are they are well able to get themselves to sleep on their own.
It reminds me of a time I baby sat a three year old. The parents didn't tell me their routine (odd but I know why) so I just did what I thought was right - bath, read a story, in bed lights out, a short cuddle and left. Parents came home several hours later (about midnight) and first thing they asked was where was X? I said in bed asleep of course! They were shocked. They had always let the child dictate her own bedtime and had always stayed until she fell asleep. Which often meant very late bedtime and one of them falling asleep too. So no child free evening, no time as a couple. And the child running the show. Not for me thanks.

You need to treat them both the same.

Your 5 year old should be old enough to understand if you explain to her you aren't doing it anymore and she's fine, reassurance etc.

I would not be doing this. DC2 is just jealous and coping DC1.