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Original poster

DH wants a 3rd child - Thoughts please!

40 replies

3rdchilddilemmas · 16/12/2021 22:38

I have a DS 2.9 and DD 1.3, we discussed a third child soon after DD was born but I decided to get the contraceptive implant at 6 months as we couldn't make a decision and the sleep deprivation really kicked in!

DH said he would prefer to have 3 close together and if not then just stick at 2 and be done (he didn't want a big age gap between the children)

We talked about all the practical issues and kind of put it to bed... then he started bringing it up again in a jokey way so I really think he wants another.

My worry is what is it that's making me feel broody, is it my heart or is it simply hormones and the human urge to procreate!

Are there any mumsnetters that hve 2/3 grown up children that can give advice who have went through the whole journey of raising their children?!

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Elfonthesofa · 16/12/2021 22:39

How will you afford Childcare for the three of them? Childcare for two in two years almost crippled us. It's one of the main reasons I'd never have a third.

Original poster
3rdchilddilemmas · 16/12/2021 22:41

We are so fortunate that the grandparents mind them, obviously I don't want to just have another without discussing it with them but previously they've hinted that having 3 grandchildren would be lovely

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RampantIvy · 16/12/2021 22:45

We are so fortunate that the grandparents mind them

I often read on MN that the change from caring for two to caring for three children is when grandparents start finding it too much. Also, they aren't getting any younger.

More to the point, do you want another baby? Do you have a car that takes three booster seats side by side? Do you have enough space at home?

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Branleuse · 16/12/2021 22:49

Dont do it. It sounds great as it is. Ive got 3 and i think its just so hard. Everything is set up for 1 or 2 kids. Its so expensive to have 3

Original poster
3rdchilddilemmas · 16/12/2021 22:54

The practical things like bedrooms, car etc are what I discussed with DH as we live in a 3 bedroom (room to extend), we would have to change our car. The thing is DH is very much, if you want something you can make it work, and to be fair he's built a successful business on his own with that attitude. We roughly earn the same so I wouldn't say he's the breadwinner but his business has the potential to grow and become more profitable so to him changing cars and extending the house isn't something that phases him.

Do I want more children? Well i feel broody and 'not done' but the day to day work with 2 is hard going, that's what puts me off a bit, however as DS is growing up and becoming easier I'm wondering once we're past the baby toddler stage we could maybe do it?! Confused

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3rdchilddilemmas · 16/12/2021 22:56

Oh I forgot to say DH has a lot of cousins and grew up with lots of other kids in the family, potentially our children will not have any cousins at all and i think that's a bit of a driving force for DH wanting a bigger family

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Original poster
3rdchilddilemmas · 16/12/2021 22:57

@Branleuse

Dont do it. It sounds great as it is. Ive got 3 and i think its just so hard. Everything is set up for 1 or 2 kids. Its so expensive to have 3
Can i ask what age they are? Are you in the thick of it now?
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lilyfire · 16/12/2021 23:04

I had 3 in 4.5 years and they are now teenagers. Eldest is an adult. I didn’t find it too bad going from 2 to 3 as it was sort of chaos anyway. Doing 2 from 1 was harder. It’s a bit of a pain sometimes when going on holiday but we’ve always found ok solutions. I do quite like the outnumbered feeling and that three feels a bit like a small gang of their own. Haven’t quite got to the paying for University stage yet - when I might regret having 3 a bit more but so far it’s been fun and I’ve no regrets. We had them all in one bedroom until eldest was nearly 12 and we could afford to move - but again it was fine.

aspirational · 17/12/2021 03:29

I love having three although mine are a bit more spaced out. Now 2 at university and youngest in high school. It's definitely more expensive- bigger house and cars, need 2 hotel rooms when you go anywhere etc and harder to manage, you can't just sort one kid out each when things are busy or crazy. But I think the DC have better/less intense relationships with each other than if there are only two , they vary which sibling they're closest to depending on what's happening.
I never had three preschool though, I'm not sure I would have fancied that.

aspirational · 17/12/2021 03:32

University is expensive! As are driving lessons and other older teen related activities so you'd want to budget for that

Fallagain · 17/12/2021 03:54

What happens if the grandparents are nolonger able or willing to provide childcare?

GiantHaystacks2021 · 17/12/2021 03:59

Does he want you barefoot and pregnant?
Tell him no.

Dozer · 17/12/2021 04:17

With DC1 and DC2, who has done the night and early morning parenting, weekday parenting, reduced their paid working hours, and the additional domestic work?

If your H has done less than you have, is his assumption that the additional work for DC3 - and juggling all three - would be done by you too? How do you feel about the prospect?

You currently earn similar incomes, but you personally face the ‘motherhood penalty’ etc, which would likely increase with three DC.

Would investigate childcare costs in the event that family could no longer provide as much, or even any, free care.

Your H being a business owner - self employed - means that in the event of divorce he could minimise maintenance etc.

If you do go ahead, would seek to hang on to your job.

timeisnotaline · 17/12/2021 04:21

We have our third coming early next year, oldest is 6.5. We don’t plan to regret it Grin. We knew we wanted 3 so when we bought a second car last year it’s a 7 seater, I would have anyway though as I like the idea of being able to offer lifts once they have weekend sport, invite a friend or cousin along etc. 2 will have to share bedrooms for roughly the next 8 years when we will renovate/ buy a new house so that’s factored in, I have no issues will children sharing bedrooms up till teens, mid teens but I want them to have their own bedroom for gcses. Holidays we mostly Airbnb anyway so it’s not often about adding a hotel room, yes plane flights will cost more. The short gap you are thinking of will be the biggest added expense IF you need childcare. And for us the gap was intended to be shorter but actually it means we will only ever have two at private high school at one time so that will take pressure off the budget.

Chunkymenrock · 17/12/2021 04:26

Quit while you're ahead. Your current set up works. Why risk it, especially when you're ambivalent. The planet does not need more people. Don't stretch yourselves so thinly,

Choccorocco · 17/12/2021 04:33

If you’re happy with 2, stop there. It is the time and effort required to manage 3 that makes it difficult. Things like the car and the stuff - that’s the easy part. If course it all depends on the personalities of the kids and how they get in with each other, you might get lucky. It’s finding the time that each needs as they get older that is the struggle, without losing all of the time that you have for yourself. I became something of a shell of myself for a while, maybe a decade, because I was so busy tending the needs of the kids (not much help from DH due to the nature of his work).
However if your DH is willing to pull his weight, and if you enjoy a slight sense of chaos, then crack on! Just don’t expect it to be easy.

ShottaSheriff · 17/12/2021 05:04

I was one of three. My parents stretched themselves financially and it was cramped in our house. I resented them for not being able to afford things for us. However I do absolutely love having two siblings as an adult. If you can afford both the time and money for a third child then go for it, but do think about the compromises you might be expecting them to have to make if you are stretching yourself.

Nomaj · 17/12/2021 07:16

We had three under 4.

They are now 10, 8 and 6.

We love having three but the cost was something I massively underestimated once they got older.

We coped with the baby years, my third was an easy baby so that was all fairly ok. Though childcare set us back about 5 years financially I think.

We are now past the childcare age and they are all in school but 3 x everything is expensive. 3 x swimming lessons, 3 x school trips, 3 x football club, 3 x brownies/beavers etc etc

All the costs are coming at the same time because they are close together. Yes I know all these things are optional in life but if you want your DCs to do these things then factor in paying for them.

Also they eat so much more now. I am dreading the teenage years. I am currently part time to allow for school runs but will definitely need to work full time once they are old enough to be able to continue to afford them.

Branleuse · 17/12/2021 08:33

@3rdchilddilemmas actually im coming out the other side. My eldest is a young adult and my others are young teenagers but whilst its easier in many ways, i feel like it will never end. Bigger kids have bigger problems. I just think that ive not actually been able to enjoy it properly or give everyone what they needed. Ive felt too overwhelmed.
Then again none of us are NT which i didnt know before having kids.

Original poster
3rdchilddilemmas · 17/12/2021 09:03

@GiantHaystacks2021

Does he want you barefoot and pregnant? Tell him no.
Grinhe actually said he'd feel bad that i'd have to go through pregnancy again as I've really gotten into exercising in the last 3 months and I'm starting to feel good about myself again, i know people do exercise during pregnancy but i know I would not be one of those people! He's definitely not pressuring me, I think it's because I'm on the fence about it, whereas if i was adamant I didn't want anymore i think he would drop it
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3rdchilddilemmas · 17/12/2021 09:42

As PPs have said the bits I'm worrying about is when they're older, i want to have enough time to help them through difficult life choices and know what's going on in their lives (without losing my self identity along the way)

And yes DH is very good, he looks after the kids one day a week so i can work, very hands on, will deal with doctors, appointments etc. However it wasn't always that way, i had to basically tell him to step up as i think he very easily fell into the role of the woman taking the mental load, oh and he still doesn't do enough housework... but he's very handy and does a lot of things I couldn't do

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BugsyDrakeTableScape · 17/12/2021 09:50

I always think the 'will you have time for all of them' argument is bullshit. It's the same principle if you have 1,2 or 20 - if you want to make time for them then you prioritise it. Same with expensive activities - let them do what you can afford - which might not be the same for all of them. Your life, your time, your money, your choice.

For what it's worth we have 3 and I wouldn't change it.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 17/12/2021 09:56

Keep in mind there's a tiny chance that the third might turn out to be twins, or a kid with special needs. I wouldn't want to roll that dice, but that depends on how risk adverse you are.

Panicmode1 · 17/12/2021 09:56

We have 4 - at one point I had 4 under 7. The younger years were a breeze compared to having 4 teens....the emotional and worry work that you do is enormous.

And then there is the financial stuff. We are about to start uni fees and I wish I'd thought about it beforehand. We've also just got the first of 4 through driving lessons.

Home schooling meant 4x laptops, 4 x phone contracts, clothes, the shoes, the socialising costs....I love having a big family and we have a good household income. But don't underestimate the money!

Original poster
3rdchilddilemmas · 17/12/2021 10:18

I think their are a lot of different expectations from when i was growing up too, I didn't do swimming lessons, music lessons, clubs etc when i went to university i took out a loan and had a job, i lived at home and paid rent!

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