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Parenting

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Original poster

DH wants a 3rd child - Thoughts please!

40 replies

3rdchilddilemmas · 16/12/2021 22:38

I have a DS 2.9 and DD 1.3, we discussed a third child soon after DD was born but I decided to get the contraceptive implant at 6 months as we couldn't make a decision and the sleep deprivation really kicked in!

DH said he would prefer to have 3 close together and if not then just stick at 2 and be done (he didn't want a big age gap between the children)

We talked about all the practical issues and kind of put it to bed... then he started bringing it up again in a jokey way so I really think he wants another.

My worry is what is it that's making me feel broody, is it my heart or is it simply hormones and the human urge to procreate!

Are there any mumsnetters that hve 2/3 grown up children that can give advice who have went through the whole journey of raising their children?!

OP posts:

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NowEvenBetter · 17/12/2021 12:45

Do you not know that parents have to contribute to kids uni costs now? Choosing not to give kids things like lessons and hobbies just so you can produce more kids seems…odd.

RampantIvy · 17/12/2021 13:56

NowEvenBetter is right. There is an expectation that parents top up the student maintenance loan. Either that or the student gets a job or they stay local and commute.

Unless the student gets the maximum loan you will find that the maintenance loan doesn't even cover accommodation in most cases.

Disfordarkchocolate · 17/12/2021 13:59

I had more than 2, mostly adults now.

If I was doing it all again I'd stop at 2. Everything is so much more expensive than it was when I had my youngest - housing, childcare, university. I'd want to give mine a better start in life than I was able to.

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wandawaves · 17/12/2021 14:03

Nooooo don't do it! I have 3 teens/young adults. It's bloody hard. It's been hard since the 3rd was born, and hasn't stopped being hard. Nothing to do with my 3rd child, but just having 3 in general. I do wish I'd stopped at 2.

mydogisthebest · 17/12/2021 14:08

The planet is overpopulated so 2 is enough for any family.

I am one of three and I hated it. Always vowed if I had children I would only have 2.

budgiegirl · 17/12/2021 14:17

I also had three in four years. Best thing I ever did. They are now all teens/young adults, all still living at home. Two are working, one is in 6th form.

Yes, it's been hard at times. The jump from two to three was huge. And it has been expensive, but you just cut your cloth.

I was lucky to have a job that I could do from home around the kids, so no childcare expenses. My career did take a hit though. Both my DH and myself earn average wages, but we just adjusted our expectations . We've saved hard for big holidays, with camping trips in between. Holidays have been self catering or budget hotels, but we have wonderful memories from those. We drive cheaper cars than our friends (have just got rid of our 7 seater after having one for 16 years!) . We shop in Aldi rather than Waitrose.

We didn't pay for driving lessons, they did that themselves with Saturday jobs. We helped with a small amount for buying cars, but they basically paid for those themselves as well.

We have made financial sacrifices, but my kids have been worth every penny. I love having three, my family didn't feel complete until I did.

Cherryblossoms85 · 17/12/2021 14:22

I have 3, the last was a surprise. They're very close in age. Very difficult decision for sure. I often wonder how much easier life would have been. Here are the things I can't do with 3 kids:

Give them all to one set of grandparents for the weekend
Go and do activities for the older ones and still find stuff for the younger one (even with a total age range of only 5 years)
Go back to work full time and/or commute before youngest starts school
Send them to private school (might have been feasible with two)
Book package holidays with just 1 family room
Drive without the second back row for any distance (the fighting is just insane so I want to be able to split them up)
Buy standard family tickets for various events (always 2 adults 2 kids)

OTOH, very easy birth, easy baby, I love our crowd and they bring us joy every day. It's just the practicalities can sometimes wear you down.

Sidehustle99 · 17/12/2021 14:26

Never regretted no 3.

U8976532 · 17/12/2021 14:29

I think you need to discuss with grandparents tbh, if you're that reliant on them I think they should be briefed!

blacktreegreysky · 17/12/2021 14:30

Depends a lot on resources you have of help/ money/ time, and how much of a life you want for yourself. Only one of mine is at the age where he wants to go to hobbies/ activities in the evening and I already dislike the dent it has made in my ability to follow my own interests/ hobbies/ social life. I dread it when the youngest wants to do things in evenings too. Can't imagine what it would be like with three.

Original poster

3rdchilddilemmas · 17/12/2021 14:40

@NowEvenBetter

Do you not know that parents have to contribute to kids uni costs now? Choosing not to give kids things like lessons and hobbies just so you can produce more kids seems…odd.

Sorry no i just mean there's a lot more of a thought process around having kids these days (which is a good thing)

I have a great relationship with my parents but growing up we were kind of left to do our own thing, I wouldn't have dared ask my dad for a lift anywhere and my mum didn't drive, whereas i think with my children I want to provide them with all the 'extras' and real quality time, i think that's where my dilemma lies, my parents seemed to be hard working and busy just trying to get by, although whether there were 3 or 2 of us I'm not sure if it would have made a difference to their parenting style

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 17/12/2021 14:59

I would leave it until eldest is due to start school so GPS only have 2 at a time.
We had 3 . All grown up now. But having a little space was useful for university etc so not all coming fast and furious. Loved having 3 and didn't GPS to help. But definitely not so close.

winnieanddaisy · 17/12/2021 17:30

I wouldn't do it if I were you . I had 3 DC in 2.5 years . That bit was ok , and up to school age they were manageable but after that the fighting started . DD1 and DS1 have always got on fine and still do in their late 40s . The problem was and still is DS2 I'm convinced that he has ADHD but that wasn't thought about in the 70s he could have an argument in an empty room . DD can now tolerate him for a few hours, Christmas dinner, New Years Eve etc , but I think she does it for my sake .
His whole life has been chaotic. He married , had two children but divorced after about 10 years, his children live about 100 miles away so he only sees them about once a month .
He's always had trouble keeping a job so struggle for money and I've had to pay his rent on many occasions . Things have improved this past year as his DB got him a job and sort of helps him to manage his life .
I was a young mother, had the DC at age 20,21 and 23 but don't regret it . I'm convinced that DS2 would benefit from being diagnosed with ADHD even at this stage in his life .

Kite22 · 17/12/2021 18:00

Dh and I grew up as one of 4 and one of 3.
It seems very normal and usual to have 3 or more dc in a family.
We have 3, my db has 3, his dsis has 3 - there was never any real dilemma about it.

I think having 3 really close together would be a bit more tricky, not to say expensive. Although ours are fairly close in age (just over 5 yrs), because of when their birthdays are, they happen to each be 3 school years apart, which has worked out well for us as it happens ours did all go to University, straight from school and do 3 yr courses (not that that was in our thought process).
I'm inclined to agree with your dh - if it is something you want, then you make it work. You cut your cloth to suit your budget.

HauntedPencil · 17/12/2021 21:37

@Nomaj

We had three under 4.

They are now 10, 8 and 6.

We love having three but the cost was something I massively underestimated once they got older.

We coped with the baby years, my third was an easy baby so that was all fairly ok. Though childcare set us back about 5 years financially I think.

We are now past the childcare age and they are all in school but 3 x everything is expensive. 3 x swimming lessons, 3 x school trips, 3 x football club, 3 x brownies/beavers etc etc

All the costs are coming at the same time because they are close together. Yes I know all these things are optional in life but if you want your DCs to do these things then factor in paying for them.

Also they eat so much more now. I am dreading the teenage years. I am currently part time to allow for school runs but will definitely need to work full time once they are old enough to be able to continue to afford them.

We have the same age gap and I totally agree with this - everything is a huge cost.

I thought once we got through childcare it would be ok but it's 3x clubs 3x school shoes etc - eye watering food bills

It's something to bear in mind

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