I'm not the parent I thought I would be

[Stefka]

Before I was pregnant and throughout my pregnancy I had certain thoughts as I am sure everyone does about the sort of mother I wanted to be. Things have not gone the way I thought I would and I am feeling disappointed and guilty about it. Sorry in advance for what is a very moany post.

I desperatly wanted a natural childbirth and did lots of reading and preparation using hypnosis CD's etc but my baby was back to back and after thee hours of pushing I caved and had pethidine. Both my baby and I were very dopey when he was born and I feel that I wasn't with it enough to bond in the way that I had wanted to. It also caused problems with breast feeding.

I was sure that BF would come naturally to me. It's been a nightmare and I am still not enjoying it. It's been so painful and 9 weeks on although my nipples are healing it's still sore on one side and really uncomfortable on the other.

I wanted to co-sleep but after six weeks of having him in the bed the fear from one horror story too many got to me and I moved him into his crib.

I planned to baby wear but found that it hurt my back and that I also sometimes just wanted to put him down and be on my own for a bit.

His vaccinations are due - my instinct is that it feels wrong but I know I am a coward and will most likely just get them done.

Anyway I am just moaning but I wanted to share these thoughts with someone but don't feel able to talk about these issues with anyone.

stefka having a newborn is such a shock, everyone feels like this (well i did). before the baby comes there is such a lot of time to think about it and plan, whereas afterwards it is all so hectic and stressful. and if you try to talk about it is as though you are being ungrateful. i think you are doing fine.

That sounds normal to me. There are so many ways in which I am not the parent I wanted to be. However, don't let this get you down, you formed your intentions and expectations in a baby free environment and nothing at all can prepare you for the reality. Most of us just get by and perfection is so far out of reach that we stop considering it.

The only good piece of advice I got from our community midwife was "don't ever say that you won't do something" as the chances are that you will and there's no point feeling guilty about it or trying to adhere to an unrealistic model or parenthood which just doesn't work for you.

Good luck.

I think with the birth/parenting you need to have an open mind; as what you usually want/imagine sometimes doesn't. I had 2 c sections and ened up bottle feeding but I wanted to BF and give birth naturally. I felt a little like you but you mustn't beat yourself up about it as what will be will be.

As long as you have looking after yourself and you and your baby are healthy and happy thats all that counts. Trust your instincts.

Thanks - you've made me feel more normal already. I think it's harder because my SIL just had a baby too and has coped beautifully. When she came to see me a few days after I gave birth I was sobbing into my bleeding boobs and felt and looked like I had been in a car crash. When I went to see her she was running around making people cheese rolls. It took me four months before I had the confidence to leave the house and that was just to walk around the block - she was out and about the next day. She's breast feeding no problem and 9 weeks on I am still in pain. Makes me feel like the crappy mum.

So true that you should never say never. I swore I would not use a dummy or give baby a bottle. He's been getting regular bottles of EBM and uses a dummy every day.

Really feel for you, Stefka. I think we have all these expectations, and it's hard when things don't happen the way we want them to. You say you feel guilty: I think sometimes we can feel like a bad parent because we didn't stick to a plan. But the plan can only ever be based on theory - when it comes to the reality, you have loads more information and can make even better decisions as to what is right. So don't ever feel guilty because things didn't work out the way you thought they would. Having the courage to be flexible and to relinquish pre-conceived ideas when they don't work out is a really mature thing to do.

Good luck with it all and hang in there

How can I put this...bascially, before you had kids, everything you knew probably came from books, theories, ideas of what NOT to do from watching others? Certainly that was pretty much how it was for me. I had it all planned out. And the reality was very different.

Now you have experience. You are finding that the theory and the practice are not the same. That is utterly normal.

It is much better to do what your baby needs day to day than to follow any theory. THIS is the real strength of MN-thousands of mothers with actual practical experience and, when it comes down to it, a supportive attitude. Post for advice on most of those topics and you will get a lot of helpful advice.

Have you read much about the experience of MOTHERHOOD, as opposed to pregnancy and birth? Two books that particularly found echoed my own experience (which is quite similar to yours in many ways-I needed pethadine both times, and I was shocked at how MUCH I needed my own space, the main difference is that I am very pro vaccination) were: What Mothers Do and The Mother Knot. The Big Rumpus is pretty good too.

I do various bits with postnatal/antenatal groups, and I think the experience you describe is incredibly common, and very underacknowleged.

Stefka - try to keep uppermost in your mind that the way you live with your baby (the way you parent) will in all probability be a compromise between the two of you (and your partner/the rest of your family if you have more children) that reaches the best possible outcome for both of you.

Don't cut yourself up about the birth - your baby was back to back and needed to get out and the best possible compromise in those circumstances was pain relief.

Don't cut yourself up about breastfeeding - it's lovely to breastfeed, but millions of children the world over have grown up healthy and happy on formula.

Don't cut yourself up about not co-sleeping - co-sleeping is just a solution that allows some mothers and babies to get maximum sleep. It isn't the best solution for all mothers/babies and it makes no difference at all to your baby's future health and happiness.

Don't cut yourself up about not babywearing - carrying a baby all the time is exhausting - think about all the energy you will be saving for him in other ways.

And, please, please, don't even think about not vaccinating - vaccination has saved the lives of millions of children. You only have to read a few articles about polio, diphtheria etc in the middle of the 20th century to realise just how wonderful vaccination is.

Thanks for the book suggestions - I like to read and went through a lot of books when I was pregnant but you are right - they were mostly about giving birth not the next bit. No amount of reading could have prepared me though!

If a mother said they have never felt like you at some point after their baby was born then I would call them a liar.

People cover up very well and I too would have been jealous of your SIL but whos to say she isn't finding it hard when you all go?

I do hope you feel better about the decisions you have made and it will get easier..... It wasn't so long ago that people were saying that to me.

The very only thing you could be critisized for is feeling odd for feeling like this.

ds1 was going to be going to nursery at 7 weeks. I had to go back to work.

HA! Righto! I cried hysterically with guilt and misery and grief on my first day back, buggered off home 3 hours early, and never went back.

Oh, and he wasn't going to have a dummy either.

My fault was that I was NOT REALISTIC - and you can't be realistic until you have had a newborn baby. All the things that are touted from pillar to post as best for baby seem to be incredibly hard work. and something has to give. You are not a perfect being, and if you were, your child would grow up deeply weird, with odd expectations of themselves and other people, unable to deal with the imperfections of the rest of the world.

You are not doing anything wrong! Nothing at all. It's sad when things don't go our way .... but maybe they went his way instead? isn't that better?

Totally agree with 3missy about your SIL. All those mums who look as though they are perfect, in control, sorted - I bet they spend days in their pyjamas covered in milky dribble just like the rest of us!

I have spent many a day in my PJ's a milky dribble!

Oh, I was in town, sorting out my maternity pay with a lawyer, made up and in nice clothes, when ds1 was 4 days old.

1. I was, psychologically, so weak I don't think my thoughts were entirely based in reality.

2. I had to sort the mat pay out, I had no choice

3. It had taken me 4.5 hours to get myself and one small baby ready

4. I had walked all the way down wishing fervently I had a knife in my hand 'to protect us' and taking 15 minutes to cross each road

5. I was so confused on the way back I stood in the middle of a crossing and cried because I couldn't remember whether I was walking into town or had already been

6. I bled for 14 weeks, mainly as a result of my refusal to rest

7. ds1 was formula fed.

8. The stress of holding at all together resulted in PND for the next year

9. I had an absolute phobia that the SS would take him away if the found out that I wasn't oping - and that meant looking perfect in every way

10. ds1 was a robot baby - and it was no reflection on my parenting, because ds2 was a nightmare.

With ds2 I didn't leave the house for a month. Which is so much more NORMAL!

But many people commented on how sorted

Reading your post takes me back to dd being a newborn - but now she's 2.5 and although these were huge issues at the time they are soon replaced by new things to worry about!

I had a very difficult birth and we were in hospital for a while afterwards. Really for the first week or so all I could register was the pain and exhaustion - I didn't really feel anything about anything else - including dd. I didn't walk well for a long time.

I think, looking back, I most regret not being able to wear a sling - I have back problems too and I never found one that I could manage - although I'm so much stronger now from carrying dd around that I think I could do it now (if she wasn't 35 lb....).

The first 3 months with a new baby can be quite gruelling - I think you might find you get more into your stride after that time. And there are TONS of new parenting issues to come - these will seem like such small potatoes in the great scheme of things.

stefka i too was sobbing into bleeding bosoms and i MADE BISCUITS when visitors came to see weekold ds in attempt to impress. i must have been quite insane i do not think they were entirely fooled since i couldn't get off sofa. i bet your sil didn't get out of bed for three days after you saw her.

I am actually really enjoying this thread. It is exactly what MN is about.

There are so many experts out there, and all of them talk balls to a greater or lesser extent.

I am a lentil weaver/sling wearer/breastfeeding type BUT I have pretty much no time for most of the books about it, they always just make me feel inadequate.

The only stuff I have ever actually found HELPFUL are books/sites about peoples actual experiences. Because NO ONE parents like in the books.

Don't think you are alone just because others 'look' like they are coping so much better. I know that I can often put on a front that everything is fine but at home it's a totally different story.

Try to relax and enjoy your baby, they grow up so quickly. There are always new 'phases' to deal with and you need to take your time and deal with them as best you can.

Take care, we've all been there, even if it doesn't look like it

You are not alone, and I think that part of being a parent is coming to the realisation that things don't always turn out as planned, and that you are constantly having to change your perceptions and also to compromise!

Natural childbirth is a great AIM, but the reality is that in the old days 1 in 100 mothers died from it, along of course with countless babies. When it comes to it, you have to be pragmatic and accept that help is sometimes required. Better you and your baby are safe and well, even if a little bit dopey after the birth. Breast feeding is great, once it's established, but it does take time, and yes, it's often painful. It sounds like you've had a hard time, but hopefully you are over the worst and it will soon settle down. Please ensure you are getting some BF support.

I know some people swear by co-sleeping, but it never really worked for me - always too worried I would overheat the babies or roll on them! They've always slept really well in their cots, and that worked for us. Remember that there are lots of "ideas" about how to bring up a baby - but you have to find your own route, and what works for you, and try not to conform to something written in a baby book if it doesn't feel right to you. Whilst I carried DD1 and DD2 around a lot in a sling, I just couldn't with DS - at 10lb 4oz he was way too heavy and I'm that much older now too - just couldn't do it - but it doesn't seem to have adversley affected him.

Vaccinations - my personal opinion is that these are important, and that you risk much more by not having him vaccinated. But, you need to look through the information yourself, speak to your health visitor and maybe get opinions from here, and then make up your own mind about what to do...

Having a new baby is overwhelming in almost every way - and the way you are feeling is normal. Stick in there and things will get easier. Smile and talk a lot to your baby (even if you don't feel like it inside!) and he will respond in kind eventually!

Good luck...

All lots of good advice ah? I wish I found MN when I had dd1 (now 2) as it would have helped a great deal.....

Hands up all of you who have found the job of "Mummy" as the hardest one you have ever had.... >

I don't think there can be a woman on the planet that did everything exactly as she planned.

yes I think that some do have it easier than others in certain areas but generally they may find things more difficult further down the track.

I had planned to breastfeed but ds and my milk supply had other ideas - basically my milk never came in so ds was on formula from 4 days old - certainly not how I'd planned, and certainly not how I'd smugly told people "oh I don't want to be messing around with bottles and formula, I will be breastfeeding of course".

I think the wisest thing someone said to me was my hv who said "well if you read the books, just remember, your baby hasn't read them".

And while your sil may be having it easy right now, it's entirely possible she will have issues further down the track - maybe her toddler will have almighty tantrums while yours breezes through.

You have had some brilliant advice here - not going to add anything except to agree that untill you actually have your baby, no ammount of thinking, planning will be able to prepare you. I was going to be 'Ms Earth Mother' taking the baby everywhere, traveling the world, putting him to sleep on a pile of cushions....in reality I was so anxious I had a breathing monitor, wrote down all daily milk intake and could barely get to the shops.
Be brave! You know what is right for the 2 of you and at the end of the day, a happy mum = happy child.

Aw Stefka, almost snap

my lovely homebirth turned into a ventouse (one push away from a ceasarean) with episiotomy and every drug they could find.

my bfing failed at 5 days

my determination to use cloth nappies failed at 10 weeks.

even my baby-led weaning has taken a nosedive today when in desperation to stop DD shrieking I made up some baby rice which she apparently LOVED. Though I'm sure she just forced it down to spite me.

Like many posters here I look to all the world as if I'm sailing through but I'm often disappointed, upset and even ashamed of how things are compared to how I wanted them to be.

But birth is something you can't control and now your baby is a little person with his own wants and desires and preferences and what you're doing is negotiating with each other to find a way of getting through each day that suits you both. If your baby is healthy and happy you're doing fine. You on the other hand need lots of support, particularly on the bf problems. Are you getting that in RL?

Neither am I. But like most you are and will be a great mum I'm sure. Wait for the dreams of spending afternoons doing wholesome activities at museums to collapse, and only having wooden toys and none of that barbie/action man crap.. and never getting their ears pierced or taking them to mcdonalds or having a mobile phone too young.. but you'll still be a great great mum!

Stefka, you may not be the parent you wanted to be but I'm certain you're the parent your baby needs you to be.

Pethidine - your baby won't care whether you had pethidine or a csection so long as you're alive and well to love them

Bonding - this is a process that happens over weeks and months, the first few hours are important but they aren't the be all and end all

Bfing - Its hideously difficult and I ahve every admiration for you and all the women who persevere. I gave up but certainly don't think I'm any less of a mum or that I;ve let DS2 down because of it

Co-sleeping - 2 nights were enough for us, we were disturbing both ds's too much, both slept far better in a crib right next to me

Baby-wearing - never got that one, did (and do) lots of sitting down and cuddling (and skin to skin cuddling) but walking around with them constantly strapped to me was a no no cos of bad back just like you

I think there's far too much pressure to be the 'perfect' mum, so much so that many new mums forget to listen to themselves and their own babies. I certainly did with DS1 and feel I spent too much time worrying and not enough enjoying him. With DS2 now I'm so much more relaxed the difference is unbelievable. Please please stop worrying about doing what other people say is right and enjoy your lo while they're small, they grow so quick.

ps - vaccinations, its a personal decision, ours was to vaccinate for 2 reasons - the risk of the long term consequences of the diseases seemed to outweigh the known risks of the vaccines and because a certain proportion of bubs need to be vaccinated to prevent epidemics so its also a social responsibility thing.

Step back, sit down, cuddle your lo and believe that you are the best thing that ever happened to them

I love this website - I would have gone insane these last few weeks without it.

My SIL is just one of life's coper's - she sent her DH back to work after two days because she 'didn't need him'. I was a wreck when my DH went back.

Cloth Nappies! That was another thing I was going to do. Not given up completely - I bloody bought some when I was pregnant so I need to try them. I need the feeding to be better first though.

Thanks for pointing out the social responsibility thing - I hadn't thought of that aspect of it.