I'm not the parent I thought I would be

[Stefka]

Before I was pregnant and throughout my pregnancy I had certain thoughts as I am sure everyone does about the sort of mother I wanted to be. Things have not gone the way I thought I would and I am feeling disappointed and guilty about it. Sorry in advance for what is a very moany post.

I desperatly wanted a natural childbirth and did lots of reading and preparation using hypnosis CD's etc but my baby was back to back and after thee hours of pushing I caved and had pethidine. Both my baby and I were very dopey when he was born and I feel that I wasn't with it enough to bond in the way that I had wanted to. It also caused problems with breast feeding.

I was sure that BF would come naturally to me. It's been a nightmare and I am still not enjoying it. It's been so painful and 9 weeks on although my nipples are healing it's still sore on one side and really uncomfortable on the other.

I wanted to co-sleep but after six weeks of having him in the bed the fear from one horror story too many got to me and I moved him into his crib.

I planned to baby wear but found that it hurt my back and that I also sometimes just wanted to put him down and be on my own for a bit.

His vaccinations are due - my instinct is that it feels wrong but I know I am a coward and will most likely just get them done.

Anyway I am just moaning but I wanted to share these thoughts with someone but don't feel able to talk about these issues with anyone.

i think this is one of the best things about children

ALL our preconceptions go out of the window

it is very good for us and prepares us for the fact that they will be their own people and they will have their own way of doing everything!!

Oh Stefka, just read this, mate! What fantastic responses you have had from the MN community - print some of them out and stick them on your mirror...

But anyhow, you can kick off by reminding yourself what a bloody, valiant battle you've been fighting with the BF and though it's not over yet and won, you're getting there...

And your DH's comments are spectacularly unhelpful and unrealistic. I think the other poster is right, put your foot down about his weekend plans, give him a couple of bottles of EBM and tell him you're off to buy his Xmas pressie. You're not of course, you're switching your phone off while getting a facial and massage at the spa etc...

On the expectations thing, it's bloody hard isn't it - such a massive transition that we think we're prepared for and we're REALLY not... But you are on the way to becoming the parent you are by acknowledging that the transition to a new life is one that needs adjustment, time, energy and emotional resilience. It's the alpha mummies who do everything PERFECTLY who are often heading for a fall/depression etc not those who are honest and open about what is bloody hard work...

Still here for ya mate

What a great thread. I wish I'd had mn when I had a newborn. No-one tells you how hard it is, and lets face it, you wouldn't believe them anyway. I was another one who planned an nice hippy birth with no drugs. I ended up having a c-section under a general anaesthetic (after 13 hours of back labour). The only way I managed to breastfeed was because I was bloody hospital for 8 days so I drove the nurses crazy making them help, over and over - we finally managed to do it without help on day 8! Anyway, I felt like a huge failure. But I now have a happy healthy 6 year old, so I must have done something right. [grin). Oh, and your husband is being a prat - lets see how he copes if you do out for a few hours. Can I suggest you don't go too far, maybe just for a coffee and a few magazines, but try and stay out for at least a few hours. It'll do ALL of you good, I promise. Good luck!

omg, your dh sounds like my dh!!! as i see it, he gets to go to work, sit peacefully at his desk, talk to other grown-ups, earns respect for the work that he does, gets up whenever he feels like it to pop to the sandwich shop without having to think about anyone else but himself, and having his arms free to swing by his sides and not on pram handles. He doesn't get bored. He gets a full night's sleep every night, etc etc. Heaven. Ask him to find you a job that pays as well as his does and you'll swap, fine...!

At around your stage I did manage to persuade him to take DS away for a night so I could catch up on sleep at least. He took him to his mum's, who then did all the getting up, coming into dh's room, sitting on the bed and feeding ds (my expressed milk)and fussing while dh lay propped up in bed watching. DH still returned home saying he was 'exhausted'.

I had to get up pretty early and rush round there too as my boobs were fit to bursting, but that's another story.
Dh's excuse is so easy to reel out, but on occasions he has been known to relent and say he daren't swap roles, it would be too difficult. Probably how your's feels too underneath it all. He's probably struggling to cope with the change, as we ALL do, but loading it on you to avoid it.

Keep on going, it gets better, I promise.

Well he is really pissing me off today. He went out yesterday promising he would be back in the afternoon. Didn't arrive back until about 7pm. We have loads to do today and he promised he would get up and help me. He is still in bed after 9 hours of sleep (I have had about 5), I am still trying to get in the shower but DS won't take a nap. Asked DH to get up and he told me he will get up when he likes.

Fantastic responses here Stefka - can I just echo them. You sound just like me when DS was a newborn and like you I felt so lost as it just wasn't going as planned.

Keep this thread and re-read some of these fantastic posts to remind yourself that you are a NORMAL mum and are doing the very best for your DS.

Stefka - keep smiling - I bet you are a lovely mummy giving loads of love and kisses and cuddles.

My active birth - standing up with just gas & air turned into a OP marathon ending in an emergency C-section

BF stalled with me at 5 days and then expressing stalled 2 weeks later and I still hate the sight of the formula tins - but know dd is happy and healthy and loves her bottle

Everyone thought I was doing fine and was coping reaaly well - they didn't see me crying on my own in the shower where no-one could hear me. 5 months on and I can now talk about how I felt and I think you are v brave for opening up now - I wish I had done it earlier. I bet your SIL is not the super-mum you think she is.

And do you know what - when I did talk to the other Mums they all had similar experiences, doubts and mothers guilt - and I had thought it was just me.

You are not alone and I promise you that each day things get easier and when your wee baby smiles at you it makes the whole world right again.

stefka that is NOT on. ds is your dh's child too. looking after a newborn is fucking hard work and your dh needs to appreciate this.

god i am fuming for you. i would have been in pieces if it were not for my lovely dh. no wonder you are having a hard time. he needs to change his plans and spend time looking after his family. you are in this together.

grrrr! and here's you blaming youself for not being the parent you thought you'd be?

Stefka I see you're on the right side of the Border too ... if I was closer I'd come round for a cuppa and loudly talk about how my DP realised around the 3 month mark that he hadn't been pulling his weight and that I was suffering for it and now he's getting more involved it's saved me from probably nervous exhaustion!

You need to find a way of getting your DH on side, but I know it can be difficult to do this without a fight. Looking back I would have been tougher and more assertive. But I realise it's not always as easy as just saying "Help me more". Do you get on with his family? Is there a way you could diplomatically make it known to them how exhausted you are and that you aren't getting a break? Maybe if eg his mum saw that you were tired she would mention it?

Short of that I would just be very reasonable with your DH - give him options such as "We need to do the laundry and the shopping today, which do you want to do?" then graduate to "I'm exhausted and I will have to be up until 2am with the LO so I'm going to leave DS with you for an hour, he's just been fed so you won't need me for anything". I think the "you won't need me" bit is like a red rag to a bull for men - they then feel like they have to cope and I think that's what your DH needs. He'll soon get a taste of harsh reality. Do try to leave the house though, even for very short periods at first, because it's better for you both.

None of us are the parents we thought we would be.

Believe me, that's probably a good thing for our children. They don't need perfection.

Stefka, you are doing great. You've had some fantastic advice. Just wanted to say that it's really early days for most of the things you are talking about. You're doing fantastically with the breastfeeding; you can do cloth nappies at any point you choose, if you want to.

And I only really started babywearing properly at 8 weeks. If you'd like to give it a go (and it doesn't mean you can't put them down, it's just another thing that can be handy to be able to do) there's support out there to help you protect your back and find the right sling. You may find now you're out of the immediate postnatal period that your joints are more normal and you might be able to do it again.