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Original poster

To work or take family money

30 replies

Charlottesweb82 · 14/12/2021 23:11

Guys please some measured advice. I have 2 lovely boys aged 3 and 6. The older boy has Asperger’s syndrome which is a high functioning type of autism. A few months ago, after being bullied/fired out of my last role as an accountant I took some time out and, for the first time - to my great shame as a mother - truly fell in love with my sons. I got itchy feet from not working however and have now just started a role with a lovely blue chip that offers a mix of home/office working and the culture is very different from previous employer.

My parents however, who had become accustomed and somewhat pleased with my Aspergers sons progress since I quit work, are up in arms I’ve gone back to work full time. They are wealthy people and are now offering me the equivalent of the UK average salary to stay at home for at least the next year. The money they are offering is a very small sum to them and will not impact their lifestyle or finances in any way.

My dilemma is that the job I’ve been offered is a good one in a company I genuinely like and see a future with. I also have pride and more respect in myself for earning my own. On the other hand I don’t want to stop my older boys progress in managing his autism, which has been supported hugely by my career break. My younger son also has blossomed and I feel so guilty spending much less time with him during his final year before starting school. My parents are describing this as a “critical time” which I’m jeopardising by going back to work.

So what would you do if faced with this dilemma?

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 14/12/2021 23:15

I’d tell your parents that you won’t be bought.

Kite22 · 14/12/2021 23:21

Same as GrazingSheep.
I would remind my parents that they had had their lives, and this was mine.
I would thank them for the offer, but accept the job.

What I might do is ask them to pay for Private Speech therapy or Occupational therapy to support him, if that is something that would continue to help him.

Lostthetastefordahlias · 15/12/2021 00:10

You had made a decision that you were happy with based on your own feelings and beliefs, to go for this role with an employer who sounds like they potentially offer a better balance in being there for your children than your previous one. You feel empowered by earning your own money and building a future in a company you like.
Now imagine how you will feel if you take the offer from your parents, for however long they are offering it for (presumably not forever), you probably still have “itchy feet” but much worse because you have put yourself in the power of your parents who, while they may be lovely in some ways, do not respect you as an adult who can make their own decisions about their life and family. Do you think you would be happy and if not do you really think thats best for your sons?
I don’t know anyone whose parents would be wealthy enough to offer this but it sounds a bit controlling and dismissive of your own agency within your family to me.
Its up to you of course but I would have confidence in your own initial decision to go back to work. And sit down with your parents and say, I won’t be taking you up on this offer but I really appreciate your intention to help - how can we use your money/ time to make things better for the boys in a different way? If thats really what they care about they should work with you to figure out alternatives.

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Lou98 · 15/12/2021 00:25

I would take the job in your position, I wouldn't want to be in that position of relying on their money as you never know what will happen in the future.

If possible though, you could use some of their money to pay for support for your son so he could continue with managing his Autism and getting the support he needs

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/12/2021 00:29

Don’t let people buy you.

It sounds like you want this job and it’s flexible. If you’d like a bit more time w your sons, then try and negotiate 4 day week?

Apart from anything else, a years cash from your parents won’t build you a career you can rely on to take care of you and your sons.

It’s up to you, not them to decide how to parent your kids. The ‘crucial time’ argument is weird too - why is this year more crucial than next? And what do they know about it anyway.

Enough4me · 15/12/2021 00:31

Try the job out and ask them to please hold the offer in reserve if the job & your DCs would benefit from it in the future.

DPotter · 15/12/2021 00:38

Take the job
Don't be bought

They'll shift the goal posts - and say this year, next year and the one after that are all critical and before your know where you are, you're totally out of date, out of touch and virtually unemployable at the level you currently work at.

HeddaGarbled · 15/12/2021 00:54

Use the money to pay for a really good nanny.

Akire · 15/12/2021 01:00

Do what you want to do for you. If having a stay at home parent meant children with autism made leaps and bounds it would be seen universal. Children will grow and change (or not) on loads of factors. Having good childcare is important but that isn’t always the mum and has to be given at all costs. It’s a very long way to retirement

twinkletoesbluesky · 15/12/2021 01:01

Personally I would accept my parents money, family come first. You'll never get the time back with your kids and especially given the fact that you've seen great progress with being a SAHM. I don't think anyone ever regretted now working more. Most people work of necessity rather than desire. I have a 3 year old DD and am 37 weeks pregnant with No2, I've just started my maternity leave for my 2nd and am thrilled to bits to be able to spend more time with my little girl. I will obviously be going back to work at some point but for now am delighted. I get that some people think you shouldn't be 'bought' but this is your family and their well being. Your parents only have yours and your children's best interests at heart so I would seriously consider their offer. As you said in your post it's only a year and as you are an accountant, you'll easily be able to find work at a later date.

timeisnotaline · 15/12/2021 01:11

Umm. I work full time in a reasonably demanding job just to start with context. But I think if our dc had special needs and needed that interaction, I’d have to make sure I was there more for it. I would probably ask my parents if that money could also go towards good private therapists, but intervention at a young age makes all the difference to development for children who aren’t NT. I couldn’t work full time in those circs, I’m sorry but sometimes being a parent means your children need you (also your dh, we’d certainly discuss this between us). I probably would work part time, but max 3 days I think. Not least because I would want the salary and earning potential to fund whatever support my children needed. In your circs I’d have no shame about asking for the funding for that therapy, it’s not for me and there’s no guarantee the dc can catch up later, it would be essential to me to get them as much support as I can right now.

LondonSouth28 · 15/12/2021 01:34

I do t see this as your parents buying you. I see them offering you choices. There are two ways of looking at that. Honestly, I'd take the money and help your child. You won't regret no taking that job on your death bed, but you'd regret not spending time with your kid who needs your help.

Frenchfancy · 15/12/2021 05:43

Is there any possibility of part time work? That way you won't have itchy feet, you keep your career going and your DPs could make up the difference in salary.

GoodnightGrandma · 15/12/2021 05:46

Absolutely not. You would be giving them ‘control’ of you.
And what about pension contributions and the gap in your CV.

Igmum · 15/12/2021 05:56

Is there a middle ground here? The job sounds fabulous and you are helping no-one, least of all your son, if you become isolated and ill. It is all too easy for this to happen to the parents of SN kids. But it is also incredibly tough to manage a FT professional job and a family. Given that it's a blue chip company do they offer PT roles? (BTW I don't think there is any such thing as a non-critical time in a child's life. With SEN it isn't a case of taking a week or a month or a year off and sorting it. It can affect kids for life, so be very wary of your parents' logic here). Very good luck

timeisnotaline · 15/12/2021 06:32

The parents logic is approaching Neurodevelopmental issues when young with suitable therapies can be absolutely life changing for children. Yes issues and needs are for life, but young brains are very different from mature brains.

Fallagain · 15/12/2021 07:38

I’m a SAHM so I’m not adverse to not working and staying at home with children. Take the money from your parents out of the equation here, their offer is only for 1 year and provides no economic security for your family or covers your pensions contributions. Can you still afford it? Would you still want to do it?

Chely · 15/12/2021 08:31

I would choose to stay home with the children.

For you though it sounds like you would regret not taking this job. It may well be a little harder for your boys but you can't push your own needs aside forever.

Alarae · 15/12/2021 08:49

Your parents are only offering help for 1 year and the fact is you have a job with a fantastic work culture now. While I don't foresee you being hard-pressed to find work as an accountant in the future, you may not find such a good fit.

You have to think about not just the present, but also the future. What would happen if your son doesn't improve 'enough' for your parents- would they be nagging you to stay off for another year? What if you fell out- would they hold the money over your head? What about building a pension?

There are a lot of factors here and it isn't a simple solution. Personally I would remain working and should your son need additional help, either fund this if possible or potentially go part time if feasible.

RobinPenguins · 15/12/2021 08:55

Are they going to pay into a pension for you? Are they going to provide inflationary and progressional pay rises and opportunities for promotion? That’s without even considering the fact that you’ve said you really want to take this job for reasons completely other than money.

I’d be really uncomfortable being paid by my parents to stay at home with my own children. I agree with pp suggestions to ask them to use the money for additional support for your child.

And your sons are your children. It seems a bit controlling as grandparents to be trying to influence your decisions about how you parent them.

MistandMud · 15/12/2021 09:06

I'm many years into this (DS is around 20) and I'd say use the money, if your parents will agree, for a really stable back-up carer that your son likes. Your son needs to know that people outside the family can be safe, fun and life enhancing.

It was frankly rather galling to see how well DS did and how much he opened up with a relaxed, loving TA to balance his anxious parents.

Soraya5 · 15/12/2021 09:10

The fact that it's only a year means you can't really take it. There's no security for you. BUT, I would ask if you could have the money to employ an experienced, loving nanny. This would be a win-win for everyone - if you choose the right person she will provide the same benefits to your kids (possibly even more) as if they were with you.

Retrievemysanity · 15/12/2021 09:22

I gave up work when my eldest with SEN started school and massively struggled. I have to say it was the right decision for her. It depends on your priorities really and how much the job means to you and your mental health and if you’re ok being at home alone when the kids are at school. I found a part time job 10-2 hours, fab salary, similar industry, which was a good balance but I know jobs like that are like gold dust. It’s a tough decision but in terms of the kids I think they only benefit from you being around.

Mayhemmumma · 15/12/2021 11:23

I'd take the money, entirely selfishly but I'd relish the opportunity to spend that extra time with my children especially if you can notice the difference.
I took almost three years out with mine - it slowed down my career progress and I'm only just climbing back to where I want to be but hand on heart I loved that time with my two, it was so needed for me and them and you don't get it back.

Totalwasteofpaper · 15/12/2021 11:30

I wouldn't take it because it's always a mess, this board is littered with threads about families and money. Also its guaranteed for a year which doesn't really give security.

If you do want to take it:

  1. Get the FULL AMOUNT in your account upfront, no monthly installments or similar
  2. Have a clear game plan. What happens in 5 years. You can't walk into jobs after a 2/3/4 year career break with ease

An alternative could be to stay at work and use that amount over a longer period on different things that help you.
So Cleaner, Admin PA etc which means you have more headspace and time for your kids and maybe specialist experiences for you all as as family

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