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Original poster

When siblings can't stand each other...

26 replies

newyorkbreakfast · 13/12/2021 20:44

Does it get better? Is there anything I can do to intervene? They're 10 & 11 (15 months apart) and it's been like this forever. It wears me out. There is no common ground where they are ever amicable; just constantly bickering and sniping at each other's throats.
I'd love some advice. Christmas will be tedious. Thanks

OP posts:
Kite22 · 13/12/2021 22:19

Mine outgrew it around about 17 and 15

Sorry, I know that is a long way off for you, but, honestly, it is lovely to see how close they are now, as adults.

Bimblybomeyelash · 13/12/2021 22:22

Ah that’s sad. Must be very stressful too. For now I’d for us on spending time with them individually. Mine get on 80% of the time, but the 20% squabble do my head in. I don’t get masses of one on one time with either, but it’s lovely when I do.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 13/12/2021 22:24

Once ds went away to uni age 18. They are now 23 and 21 and get on pretty well.

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madisonbridges · 13/12/2021 22:25

Ive got good news and bad news. My sister and I couldn't stand each other til she'd left home at 18. However, we're now in our 60s and we are each other's best friend (and have been since our 30s). So not good news for this Christmas but good news for Christmases 20 years from now. 🙂

fastandthecurious · 13/12/2021 22:26

Me and my brother were like this. There's 2 years between us. We absolutely despised each other and would have physical fights regularly, if we spoke it was to argue. Got better mid/late teens, we are so so close now and regularly covered for each other as rebellious teens (not sure which phase my mum hated more😂).

HeatingOnHeatingOff · 13/12/2021 22:27

Me and my sister didn’t get on till we were 25 and 28

MrsPleasant · 13/12/2021 22:30

Me and my brother were like that, similar age gap too. I have no suggestions I'm afraid, but it did get a bit better when I went to uni as I didn't have to see him very often.

MrsPleasant · 13/12/2021 22:30

Me and my brother were like that, similar age gap too. I have no suggestions I'm afraid, but it did get a bit better when I went to uni as I didn't have to see him very often.

Longdistance · 13/12/2021 22:32

As they’re close in age, do they spend time apart?
My dds are one school year apart and we separate them when they pick and bicker at each other.

NecklessMumster · 13/12/2021 22:37

Mine are 13 months apart, 19 and 20 and are starting to thaw towards each other. They don't fight or squabble...They just don't talk to each other. Think oldest was mean to youngest around age 10 and it never got better.

NecklessMumster · 13/12/2021 22:39

Mine are 13 months apart, 19 and 20 and are starting to thaw towards each other. They don't fight or squabble...They just don't talk to each other. Think oldest was mean to youngest around age 10 and it never got better.

WLAH · 13/12/2021 22:41

3 years apart here and I feel your pain

Outlyingtrout · 13/12/2021 22:44

My brother and I hated each other pretty much all the time until he moved out. After a few years where we were busy with friends and uni etc. and didn’t speak much, we became very close in our early twenties and are now best friends. Would do anything for each other.

Original poster
newyorkbreakfast · 13/12/2021 23:59

Thank you all for replying. It's just nice to hear your experiences, even though I know there's probably no solution. A thaw would be nice...
@neckless that's what it's like right now: they avoid each other and sit eating in silence next to each other where they have to, just ignoring and indifferent to the other's presence. But it can explode with jealousy and wrath at any moment.
Physical violence on the part of the older (boy) has mostly stopped for now, but the verbal thing is tedious beyond belief. We do separate activities, encourage sleepovers with friends; they do different sports. I just think it's a shame they can't find any solidarity. The atmosphere is so negative and charged with their silent frustrations.

OP posts:
FrownedUpon · 14/12/2021 00:03

Family therapy? Physical violence towards the younger sibling is really worrying.

ChaosMoon · 14/12/2021 05:03

My sister and I used to fight like cats until we got our own bedrooms (in our early teens). Everything got better from there and in uni I was inviting her down for weekends by herself. We talk several times a week now, but more than a few days together and she does my head in.

So, looking at the other posts here, I think the only answer is space. I realise that isn't easy though, and how much space depends on the kids.

garlictwist · 14/12/2021 05:07

M'y sister and I (also 15 months apart) fought like cat and dog until our late teens. We get on well now.

My best friend however hates her sister. They do not get on and never have and never speak. I always think that must be quite sad for her mum.

bonetiredwithtwins · 14/12/2021 05:27

Are they both boys? In my experience when you have 2 the same it's 50/50 - some grow out of it when they are older - the others carry on the competitiveness into adulthood. The smaller the age gap the worse it is.

LaBellina · 14/12/2021 05:47

My sister never outgrew this phase. We don’t speak anymore for this reason. However I believe this was mainly caused by narc parents/ golden child vs scapegoat/ divide and conquer tactic particularly by my mother etc. There’s hope they will outgrow this if you have a healthy family dynamic.
Although I think as a society and as parents we need to accept too that we don’t get to choose our siblings and sometimes personalities just don’t match.

EmpressaurusWitchDoesntBurn · 14/12/2021 07:08

Ive got good news and bad news. My sister and I couldn't stand each other til she'd left home at 18. However, we're now in our 60s and we are each other's best friend (and have been since our 30s). So not good news for this Christmas but good news for Christmases 20 years from now.

This was my sister & me too, we started getting on once I’d left for university & now we’re really close & go to stay with each other. We just needed space.

Thank fuck we never had to share a bedroom though or I don’t think our relationship would have ever recovered.

Original poster
newyorkbreakfast · 14/12/2021 09:55

@frownedupon, the violence was from 18mo and got better a couple of years ago. We had some support. The older boy has an ASD diagnosis, so he's low on empathy. Makes it doubly hard to get him to try and see the whole thing from my perspective, or his younger sister's.

It's boy and girl, not two boys.
She wishes she was an only child... (so she says...) He definitely starts it, and when she picks at him back, it's like petrol on flames. He seems to be constantly angling for a fight from dawn til dusk. I don't know how he's got the will or energy. Maybe he can't figure out how to speak to her.

Family dynamics are fine otherwise. Parents get on well and there's enough security, financial and other. I encourage them to do plenty of sport and other activities to keep them busy (and apart).

It's just, as someone rightly said, sad and very wearing as it makes them, and us as parents, miserable.

OP posts:
Ruibies · 14/12/2021 12:12

My older brother and I are 2.5 years apart and it was horrendous for a while, I remember very physical fights with parents having to separate us. We probably got better around mid-teens when we could get a bit of independence away from each other, different schools, different friendship groups, different weekend activities. I wouldn't exactly say we are close now (early 30s), probably text once a month or so, but we certainly don't fight and get on well when we do see each other. So echoing other PP, time and space is probably the answer.

Terribleluck · 14/12/2021 12:19

I still can't stand my sister (we're 37 and 42).

stackhead · 14/12/2021 12:21

There's 3 years between my sister and me, and it didn't get better until we stopped living together.

She's my best friend now and my biggest support (we're in our 30's).

5zeds · 14/12/2021 12:23

Find a common enemy