Can't cope with newborn, advice please!

[Frazzled37]

Hi,

I'm really struggling and not coping well with my 6 week old at all. After the first few days he just stopped really letting us put him down for naps or at night, and has got progressively worse. He also takes so long to settle that he is constantly overtired.

I had to get a sling a couple of weeks ago to help him catch up on sleep, but I don't like to use it all the time. DH has started to take LO in the sling between 8-11pm so I can have a bath and nap. If he doesn't have him in the sling I am lucky to get between 1-3 hours of broken sleep a night, and no sleep in the day. I am so exhausted and sad that my LO looks tired all the time that I just cry most of the time now.

I have tried all the tips (swaddling, white noise, drowsy but awake etc) and try to put him down before he's overtired. However he feeds for nearly an hour so is overtired after a nappy change and feed! He has ended up awake for over 5 hours straight on occasion! I am constantly obsessing over trying to get him to sleep which is just stressing me out so much. When I do settle him he'll wake after 1 sleep cycle. Pushchair and car seat no longer even work to get him to sleep either.

Sorry for long post but I just feel I am doing such a bad job. I still have to use nipple sheilds too as both too tired and frustrated to try to wean him off, so I feel bad about that too. Please tell me it gets easier!!!

It does get easier. People will be here to say 'just you wait till they're a toddler' but my DS was a lot more difficult as a newborn than a toddler (and he's a difficult toddler). I remember being so tired that I thought I would fall over when I was standing up at about the 6 week stage. DS was also constantly tired and cranky.

If the sling gets him to sleep, use the sling. 6-8 weeks tends to be peak fussiness. There are no promises, but mine stopped fussing so much in the evening and sleeping more at 8 weeks.

You can do this, even though it doesn't feel like it right now. Just take it one (incredibly long) day at a time.

I know people that used nipple shields successfully until their child stopped breast feeding, if it works for you then keep going.

You are doing a great job!

It does get easier. It really really does, but it might not be for a little while, if I’m fully honest. My DS was very similar. The first 12 or so weeks of his life were the absolute worst of mine. It got better at 6 months, quite rapidly.

Firstly, is your DC gaining weight along their centile and procuring plenty of wet/dirty nappies? What was the original indication for using the nipple shields? I’m guessing other PPs will come along and tell you to rule out tongue tie/reflux/allergies etc, which you must do…but in our case, there was nothing medically wrong. He also just fed and was awake for hours - he was just a supremely alert, wired, hyper newborn who would not sleep without a boob in his mouth or in the sling.

Will your DC take a dummy? Mine point blank refused but some will. Do you have support nearby?

Also agree with the PP above. Give me a toddler over an unsettled, non sleeping newborn any day. Honestly, every stage will feel so easy after this. And like @soughsigh my DC isn’t a particular easy toddler either.

Does he have heart burn? There’s a muscle that doesn’t close properly that keeps the acid down - in put down flat the acid burns his throat

Best to keep head above stomach to prevent this, towe under mattress cushion at nappy change etc - it works

I found the 6-8 week mark so tough so I know how you feel! Everyone will say the same but this phase will pass and become a distant memory.
I know you said you've tried white noise, but we bought "Ewan the Dream Sheep - Deluxe" which worked wonders for us. It has a shushing sound feature, and the red night light helps babies sleep better. May be worth a go!

It definitely gets easier. Having a new born is an emergency situation where you are focusing on surviving.

Unfortunately a towel under a mattress is nolonger considered to be safe. Have you considered cosleeping if its safe for you to do so?

This is such a tough time, but you can do this it does get better and please don't feel bad about using shields.

At this stage you do what you need to get by, please use the sling if if works, I'm not sure why you don't like using all the time, but please use it to give the both of you some rest.

Be kind to yourself.

Just to echo above posters - it absolutely does get easier.

I was in your exact position in the Spring and remember my SIL saying ‘oh enjoy these newborn days it just gets harder and harder after this’ and wondering what on earth I’d done. I guess if you have an easy newborn who sleeps and feeds well then maybe that’s true but that wasn’t my experience at all.

I counted down for the first 12 weeks to be over as I’d heard things get better then, but it was actually more like 6 months and then we really turned a corner. Like an above pp the first 3 months of his life were probably the worst of mine. I feel so guilty saying that but not only was he a terrible sleeper, he screamed all day long and I couldn’t work out why. In hindsight I think he was horrifically overtired and it took a while for me to work out that the only way to get him to sleep is marching around the room vigorously rocking him. Like you the pram didn’t work (but does now at 9 months!), nor did feeding to sleep etc.

My son is still a bad sleeper, but it’s more manageable now because he’s not necessarily waking for a feed, usually just a cuddle which means I can share the burden with DH, and also he’s so much happier during the day that the lack of sleep isn’t as painful as it was when I was getting screamed at for 10 hours a day. Hang in there!

Aww congrats on your baby, I have been there OP, and it’s really tough, but you will survive it and yes, it will get easier. Doesn’t help when you are going through it I know.

This was DS2 for months of his early life.

Despite what PP says, and I avoided it because EVERYONE on mumsnet says it'll be a tongue tie, it was a tongue tie.

Things were actually tougher for the 2-3 weeks following as he fed properly for the first time but he's now 3.5 and everything a three year old should be.

I have a non-napper and whilst the sling was super helpful for us getting her to nap in the day, I was also brought to my knees having to wear her 3 sometimes 4 times in a day.

She is 12 weeks now, and whilst she always used to scream in pram and car seat, over the last couple of weeks she has started to nap in both, things are slowly changing!! So keep trying new things. Some days she just doesn't sleep and I am trying to stay calm and think 'ok it's not happening today' and start the next day afresh. V.v. hard, solidarity!

@veryouting2021 I literally said you must rule out tongue tie…

6 weeks is a hard age, I think I read it's the peak of the crying for no reason too! Don't worry about nipple shields, I used them until DS was I think 9ish weeks. As PP suggested I would check for tongue tie. Also how was your birth? My son was forceps so we went to a cranial osteopath when he was days old which I do think helped! Try a dummy if you are pro, the feeding might just be comfort suckling. Lots of breastfeeding mums have success with the Bibs ones.

Congrats on your baby! Sorry if I've misunderstood your last paragraph and this isn't helpful, but have you tried supplementing breastfeeding with formula? Something about formula - I think because its heavier? - tends to just knock young babies out. I had two breastfeeding friends who struggled with lack of sleep and both found that a bottle of formula meant their babies slept longer and deeper and also gave their boobs a rest. If you pump it shouldn't affect your milk production or anything x

Hi Op - check he’s not got acid reflux - sounds like he’s in pain - the first 12 weeks is the hardest for digestion and it’s does get better - talk to your health visitor about reflux as he will need medication or special formula. Have a read online and check the symptoms against him , it’s very common but awful for babies and parents! Xx

I agree with the poster who said she found her toddler harder. I had a shit sleeping newborn. With my toddler at least I could snuggle up and doze with old Peppa on the box. Yes it will get easier. We ended up co sleeping in the end. Not what I wanted to do but I needed sleep.

It’s fucking brutal.

I used the moby wrap sling and would strap PFB to me, walk for about a hour (he was a winter baby) and then he’d sleep. Then I would have ttransfer him from the sling to the Moses basket. In his sleep suit. I used to walk in all
Weather. Sometimes crying.

But I did it for about 3 weeks (a lifetime) as it was the ONLY thing that worked.

No suggestions. Just solidarity.

Oh OP you have all my sympathies. It will definitely get easier if it's this hard at the moment.

All the advice above is good. I just want to ask if you have anyone who can come over to just hold the baby while you rest/nap. If you could get a family member/friend/neighbour to come over for an hour of two so you can rest during the day it would make life much better. My best friend did this one day and it saved me. If you don't, can you afford to pay for a babysitter/mothers help/doula to come for a few hours a few times per week to help you. Or ideally a night nanny? Obv if finances are too tight and you can't get help then you will have to tough it out but if you can get help then please do ask people, everyone should want to help x

Yeah, it's shit but it does get better. Dts didn't nap anywhere apart from or a moving vehicle until they were bait 10 months old, never went to sleep on their own. We had to rock and walk and swing and cajole.

Your post brings back so many memories OP - hours spent walking round and round the island unit in our kitchen to try and help DS stop crying - but as soon as we stopping walking, he'd start crying. We had a particular CD of 'calming music' and if I hear it now I have to turn it off as it just makes me stressed!

The one practical suggestion that did work for us (but has the potential of becoming a PITA in its own right) was taking DS for a drive in the car. This would send him off to sleep... but then you risk setting up a routine of having to do that! But sometimes you just need to go with what works.... it's likely only needed for a few months.

Another thing is to realise how quickly it will pass. I remember at the time feeling that this would be life for the rest of time (no I wasn't thinking v clearly - but I got so sleep deprived I actually hallucinated on two occasions) - but it is amazing looking back how quickly each stage passes...

Finally I'd say try and ignore the musts and shoulds - either imposed by others or that you are imposing on yourself - and just do whatever works to get by on that day.

Our DS would never really sleep and we ended up just having to accept that he is Churchillian in his lack of need for sleep compared to his peers - and we all go to bed at same time now. Ridiculously early for adults, too late for an 8year old! My own brother was the same apparently. Other friends think it's terrible that we get no adult evening time - but sometimes you just have to do what works for you and trust that it will all work out in the end.... and it will.

PS - this may sound a bit weird - but another thing I found helpful was trying to think of it from the newborns point of view.... You are suddenly cast out for a lovely warm cosy place with a heartbeat that you can hear to a place where you get put down alone and it's often a bit too cold or a bit too dark and you are suddenly aware that you are very vulnerable and can't move but there are these wonderful big parents around who you feel totally safe with. As long as you're with them and they're holding you you feel safe. When they put you down and leave you alone you feel scared.

I guess if you think of it in those terms that may be a baby perspective it makes it easier because it's not that they are necessarily in pain, but just that they would far rather be with you and held by you than alone as a tiny baby.

And if they get bad colic and stomach aches there's not always much to be done but hold them and hope it passes.

Agreed, not v practical always to be holding them - but I think I found that helpful at sleep deprived points to think in those terms....

The one bit of kit I did not buy and wish I had was one of those cots that almost connects to your bed ( so you can put a comforting hand on them) but are separate (so it's safer for the baby than co-sleeping). That might be worth considering?

PPS - just re reading your OP - if you are crying most of the time you may also have post natal depression - it can hit anybody - and it would be really worth talking to your GP about that and asking for support for yourself too x

You poor thing. It's absolutely awful isn't it. All I can say is try everything: dummies, bottles, constant breast feeding and try and find something - anything- that works.
I am mum to three. I wish I hadn't been so hard on myself the first time round. Second time I did bf and bottle and , for me, it worked better but everyone is different. Just try lots of different things and see if it helps.

Apologies if this is an obvious suggestion, but I mentioned it to a friend when her third wasn't settling and she'd forgotten all about it: a hot water bottle to warm up his crib before you put him down in it. Never ever leave it in the crib with a baby, but warming the sheets up can help with the transition. Also, try infacol or similar in case it's wind/ colic. DS2 would settle better if I firmly put my hand on the top of his head.

Thank you all for your support and advice, its nice to know I'm not alone with an unsettled baby! @AliceW89 he's gaining weight well and plenty of wet and dirty nappies. Midwives in hospital suggested nipple sheilds after multiple attempts at breastfeeding while I was there as he wouldn't latch. I had a slightly inverted nipple. Probably didn't help that it was a bit of a traumatic birth so I didn't get skin to skin or breastfeeding for a while as he was taken away.

Tongue tie was ruled out, but HV has suggested it might be silent reflux, and to see an osteopath/chiropractor. However can't get an appointment til end of Jan. @Justbecause88 it was forceps birth too, and his cord wrapped round his neck twice, then I was quite ill, so not a good one! He won't take a dummy sadly.

@CorsicaDreaming I try to think of it from his perspective which is partly why I'm sad as it upsets me that I'm not giving him what he needs. Sadly car rides do not work for him.

@CustardCreamm I don't have Ewan, but have the tommee tippe dream maker which is similar although doesn't really help!

I guess I'll try keep going one day at a time and hoping it gets better! He is always awake between 3am and 8am which is the killer! Settles for 20 mins if I'm lucky then back to square one!

Sorry for lengthy post, thank you all. X