To ask how much of an age gap is to much

[TheHopefulMum]

Hi All,

DH and I have two DC's a DS aged 8 and a DD aged 6. After having DD I think we both came to the assumption that we were done as we had one of each and we never discussed having any more children.

Fast forward to a few months ago and the discussion somehow came up about having another baby. We both agreed that we would like another DC and have had several discussions since about childcare and how this would affect our family, and my main concern is the age gap and how this could affect our two DC's.

Does anyone have DC's with large age gaps. We have discussed this with our DC's and neither of them seem at all concerned about having a baby but I just wanted some advice from other parents that may have experience with larger age gaps.

I don't but a good friend has 13 year gap. They get on fine but it's like having two only kids in a way.
My husbands children were 13 and 15 years older than our two. Going on holiday was tricky as the kids were in to different things. But hey if you want another the age gap is what it is - there's no guarantee kids born close in age will get on anyway.

I have a 8 year age gap with my sister - we get on really well now but honestly it was hard when we were kids.

My parents didn’t have much childcare so we couldn’t do things like go to the cinema together, bowling ‘older kid’ activities so think about how you would manage that.

It also meant I didn’t really get any family holidays from the ages of 8 - 11, and then once I turned 16 I was doing my own thing anyway, so I’ve only been on holiday with my sister about 3 times

My kids are the same ages as yours. There is not a farts chance in hell I would have another now.

Financially having a baby would be a terrible idea for us because we don't pay for childcare right now. We would need a bigger house, bigger car and to buy all of the baby stuff that we took great glee in throwing out.

I didn't enjoy the baby stage much with DS1. I enjoyed it more with DS2 but it was hard with two young kids, working and never having a second to myself. I enjoy how much easier it is now with the ages my kids are at. Life is spontaneous again and there is no more worrying about if something is appropriate for a baby. We had our kids close in age for the very reason so that when we were done, the baby stage was done in one hit. And we were lucky it went to plan.I could never go back again to the baby stage.

I have a 9 year, an 11 year age gap and an 18 year age gap with my siblings! I actually loved it as I felt 'grown up' helping look after them. Yes I found sometimes it was hard as a teenager and wanting quiet and my own space and they would just invade my room and mess with my stuff, but overall it was really nice, especially once they were over the toddler years. Then it was really lovely and they were so sweet. I found the 11 year age gap the hardest probably as I was full blown teenage hormones during the toddler years... my mum said the same!

My DBs are 6 and 9 years older than me - from my POV it was fine. They were good, responsible boys.

There’s 7 years between me and my sibling, I absolutely loved being a big sister that could really help when they were small, I would say that there was a stage, probably from when I was 15 to late 20’s where we weren’t as close, but since then, we are so close. We speak often and would describe each other as best friends as well as sisters.

I do think you just adapt to what you’ve got.

My siblings were on the verge of leaving home by the time I started primary school. We are reasonably close as adults but they were at different life stages for a long time. We had very few family holidays including my siblings when I was young and I very much felt like an only child for much of my childhood.

My parents were much more comfortable, financially, by the time I came along, and I think my siblings resented that a bit, that I had 'more' than them, in terms of my parents time, attention and money.

I am close to my adult nieces and nephews which is a nice plus side.

I wouldn’t call that a big age gap!

I have a 26 year old
A 17 year old
And a 7 year old
( fertility problems not insanity 🤣)
They all have nothing in common with each other and are like only children 😩

I have a 9 year old, 7 year old and 8 month old. Both children adore their sister, they also love helping out. It's been hard work making sure the older two get to carry on with their various clubs. I sometime feel like i drag the baby around all saturday morning. However, we can't imagine life without her. I did worry about her not having anybody to play with when she's older but my sister has also has a 4 month old so i have the option of bringing her over whenever she wants somebody to play with. For us the baby was not difficult it's making sure the others dont lose out.

My friend has 22

If you already have 2 kids I'd say that gap will be too big. You'll be taking a huge step back juggling naps, nappy changes and sleepless nights with demanding primary school aged children into tweens who will have their own activities and interests.

It will be your existing children who will pay the biggest price with the smallest gain.

I have a 6 year age gap with one sibling and 11 years with another. We’ve always got on really well. My mother says I was a great help with the little ones! I say go for it.

There are 6.5 years between mine.

When eldest reached about 10 it got really awkward trying to find things to keep both of them amused.

I am the eldest sibling with a gap of 8 and 19 years between us. We are all close now but not so much when they were younger as we were all at very different stages in life!

Thanks everyone. You've all touched on things we've already discussed, and as much as I'd like another I would never do this at the expense of our current DC's. I think DH and I will have another chat with our DC's to try and gauge their thoughts and feelings a little more as it is very much a family decision.

Thank you all for your advice and for sharing your experiences.

My mum had my sister 10 years after me my sister, the age gap was fine for her in a sense of handling us but I would get frustrated as when I was becoming a teenager I hated being nagged off a toddler etc

My mum then had two more when I was 16, 17 she struggled a lot more then

@TheHopefulMum I know you mean well OP but this can't be a family decision, your children are not old enough to understand the ramifications of another child and that's a lot of pressure to put on them either way. Absolutely factor them in, but you're the parents, you take the responsibility and decision.

Imagine if they whoop and cheer for a sibling but then deeply regret it, or vice versa of course. This isn't appropriate for a child to have to consider. Make the decision for your family and if you proceed you prepare them accordingly.

When I say family decision I mean it is a decision we will make in the best interests of our family.

If our DC's raise and concerns, in my opinion they are very aware of what a baby involves, then we will think about this. DH and I will absolutely not decide to have another DC if we think either of our LO's would be negatively affected.

I had a 15 year gap between number 2 and number 3, they get on fine. Fifteen year old said it made him popular as the girls he knew liked coming to see the baby.

I have an almost 12 year gap and an almost 10 year gap. It’s been wonderful, my DC are grown up now and still get on so well. It’s such a pleasure to see them together. It’s nothing like having only children, we are a large family who happen to have an age gap.
There are lots of age gaps in my wider family and my aunts and uncles and cousins are all close despite many 10 year or more gaps.
Remember the gaps get smaller as the DC get older.

in my opinion they are very aware of what a baby involves

With all due respect OP most adults don't so I don't see how a child could, particularly how it would impact on them now and in the long term.

My mum asked me if she should split from my dad, I will live with the weight of the consequences of that conversation for the rest of my life- could I or should I have said something different? Did my response directly impact it? Or was it just a factor? As an adult I wouldn't have answered but as a child I felt I had to. There are some things you need to weigh up as adults alone, it isn't fair to put that on a child. A different scenario I know but a lot of parallels.

My sister and I have an 8 year age gap. We both wished we were a bit closer in age when we were kids and could do more of the same things but we’ve always got on well and been close and the gap has lessened with age (although now I’m a 29 year old mum and she’s a 21 year old student so still very different life stages!)

I always liked mothering her a bit and enjoyed someone thinking I was incredibly cool when I was a teen.

There is ten years between me and my youngest sister. In some ways it feels like nothing now we’re all adults - 35, 34, 31 and 25 respectively - and as I’m part of the group of three closest in age I didn’t notice any difficulties as a teenager. My youngest sister definitely felt left out a lot though, as family life was geared towards the older three and she just had to come along. Holidays were trickier too; while skiing she’d either be in the crèche or ski school until she could keep up with us, and abroad she wouldn’t be able to do things like scuba diving. However, she lost her mum/my stepmum to cancer when she was 14 and the rest of us were at university or living independently, so that obviously contributed.

Now of course us older three all have mortgages and demanding jobs and (two of us) children, so it’s our turn to be jealous as the baby of the family plasters her 20s adventures all over Instagram!

I have ds #6 and am due next one in Feb. I would have loved a 3 year age gap but nature had other ideas. DS is super excited to be a big brother.

@U8976532

in my opinion they are very aware of what a baby involves

With all due respect OP most adults don't so I don't see how a child could, particularly how it would impact on them now and in the long term.

My mum asked me if she should split from my dad, I will live with the weight of the consequences of that conversation for the rest of my life- could I or should I have said something different? Did my response directly impact it? Or was it just a factor? As an adult I wouldn't have answered but as a child I felt I had to. There are some things you need to weigh up as adults alone, it isn't fair to put that on a child. A different scenario I know but a lot of parallels.

This is exactly what I wanted to say.