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Original poster

Unsupportive partner

38 replies

Firsttimemum101101 · 13/12/2021 01:20

Hi everyone!

I apologise in advance for the longwinded message...
Me and my partner have an 8 week old baby, who is amazing but has been very poorly with covid, a viral infection and has a bit of colic and reflux.
He has been crying non stop and extremely irritated with us so understandable, it doesn't annoy me at all but my partner just flips out. He dumps our son on me and doesn't wanna hold him, tells him to "shut the fuck up" gets really frustrated and irritated and says he "doesn't like him" anymore etc. he rolls his eyes whenever I ask if he can hold him or burp him while I get a Muslin etc and rarely does nappies or kicks up a fuss while doing so. I do all the night time work (even while he's been off work) I understand as I'm breastfeeding but he doesn't even offer to help me settle him when he's screaming I ask if he minds helping me, and he seems to think when I barely sleep because our son is up I'm "over exaggerating" or bluntly lying. He thinks he does it on purpose sometimes. I also have found it extremely hard to keep on top of house work as my son wants to be cuddled all the time and he doesn't help and says "it's my job" he won't even get me a drink half the time when I ask while I'm feeding. He says he earns the money eyc but I'm on maternity leave?? I hate that he gets so frustrated with our son, sometimes I'm so exhausted in the night I fall asleep with our son on me and get so upset when I wake up and realise, and he keeps saying "I have to stop doing it" which I'm trying?? Can anyone give me any advice :(

OP posts:
Alitlebitsleepy · 13/12/2021 06:28

He sounds like an awful partner and father. How dare he expect you do every single bit of caring for your son, whilst doing all the housework, after having just given birth?! AND he then scolds you for being so exhausted and falling asleep with your baby on you.

I'm sorry to be so blunt op, but I think you'd be better off without him. Swearing at a baby is unacceptable and if he's getting angry like this now, I'd be very worried about his future behaviour.

It's terrible that you're having to deal with this xx

ChubbyMorticia · 13/12/2021 06:30

He sounds absolutely horrid.

I'm sorry.

Both you and your baby deserve better.

GoodnightGrandma · 13/12/2021 06:32

Be glad you’re not married so it’s easy to split.
Where could you go ?

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Scirocco · 13/12/2021 10:08

He sounds awful.

If this is a new change in how he acts, maybe give him a warning that he needs to make some changes fast, and tell him to go to his GP in case he's depressed or struggling with anxiety.

But if he doesn't shape up or if this is just how he is, I'd get rid of him. You've enough on your plate without him giving you grief and making things harder, and you and your son may well be happier with him gone.

ExplodingCarrots · 13/12/2021 10:15

Telling an 8 week old baby to 'shut the fuck up' is unforgivable and highly worrying . I'd be usually one to say give him the baby and go out for a couple hours so he knows how it feels but I wouldn't trust him at all .

He's a misogynistic arsehole and you and your baby are better off without him.

BurbageBrook · 13/12/2021 10:22

He's abusive and I would not be leaving him alone with the baby.

Poppy709 · 13/12/2021 12:09

He’s hideous, please don’t leave him alone with your baby. You should not be expected to do everything, we all feel drained by parenting sometimes but swearing at a tiny poorly baby is totally unacceptable and very worrying. Can you go and stay with family so you can be away from him and have support with the baby?

Original poster
Firsttimemum101101 · 13/12/2021 14:44

Thank you so much for the replies everhone and I apologise again in advance for this long message I'm about to write! I've been thinking the exact same thing but don't know if I was being dramatic? The key part of this story is he also left me when I was pregnant for a short while, I was extremely upset and after we got back together there was a lot of trust issues on his part, as my ex boyfriend had messaged me about some things I had left at his house and that he wanted to know if I wanted them back or shall he get rid of them, I replied saying just get rid of it and that was the end of convo. I moved away from England to wales with him for a fresh start so I literally have no one here. I spend all day with our baby which I love doing don't get me wrong but I just need some help sometimes, he doesn't take us to our hospital appointments most the time as he doesn't like driving. I have had to delete all social media and start fresh to ease his mind. Infront of his family he's sworn at me and shouted at me while I was pregnant and said some pretty awful stuff which led to me breaking down in the middle of a shopping centre. I don't see any friends anymore, he doesn't trust me whatsoever he went delving into my past (from before we even met) and obviously everyone has things they're not proud of and he constantly brings them up to me and makes jokes about it all.. I just adore my son beyond words I was told I couldn't have kids so he is a real life blessing for me, at the beginning he was incredible now his patience has worn so thin

OP posts:
Original poster
Firsttimemum101101 · 13/12/2021 14:50

He also has BPD, I know this is all me saying bad but in general he is very sweet and does give me support, but I feel like I'm at a complete loss sometimes he switches to a point I don't even recognise him it's so out of character, if I ever have an issue or he does something wrong he NEVER apologises or admits that he is wrong he reflects it onto me? I must be doing everyone's heads in with all these long paragraphs 😂 I just have no one to talk to about it

OP posts:
Tiredpregnantmess · 13/12/2021 16:21

Get rid of him. Move back to where you have support. If he can speak like that to your little one and get frustrated he could also shake Baba if he was holding him. You can do it without him but he is toxic and you need to get rid.

Fivebyfive2 · 13/12/2021 16:43

You are not annoying anyone, please keep posting whenever you feel the need.

It's easy for us to say I know, but you really would be better off leaving your horrible partner and returning to where you have real support. You sound like a lovely person and a caring mum; do not let him grind you down. Xx

Twizbe · 13/12/2021 17:00

Do yourself a favour and pack up your son and leave.

He's abusing you. He's isolated you from all your support and now he's destroying your confidence.

GrazingSheep · 13/12/2021 17:19

Leave
You only get one life
Don’t waste it

Harrysmummy246 · 13/12/2021 18:33

@Firsttimemum101101

Thank you so much for the replies everhone and I apologise again in advance for this long message I'm about to write! I've been thinking the exact same thing but don't know if I was being dramatic? The key part of this story is he also left me when I was pregnant for a short while, I was extremely upset and after we got back together there was a lot of trust issues on his part, as my ex boyfriend had messaged me about some things I had left at his house and that he wanted to know if I wanted them back or shall he get rid of them, I replied saying just get rid of it and that was the end of convo. I moved away from England to wales with him for a fresh start so I literally have no one here. I spend all day with our baby which I love doing don't get me wrong but I just need some help sometimes, he doesn't take us to our hospital appointments most the time as he doesn't like driving. I have had to delete all social media and start fresh to ease his mind. Infront of his family he's sworn at me and shouted at me while I was pregnant and said some pretty awful stuff which led to me breaking down in the middle of a shopping centre. I don't see any friends anymore, he doesn't trust me whatsoever he went delving into my past (from before we even met) and obviously everyone has things they're not proud of and he constantly brings them up to me and makes jokes about it all.. I just adore my son beyond words I was told I couldn't have kids so he is a real life blessing for me, at the beginning he was incredible now his patience has worn so thin
I'm sure you know these are some pretty major red flags love....

For your own sake, perhaps consider if you're better off alone

Poppy709 · 13/12/2021 19:36

You sound like a lovely person and a great mum. He is isolating you from your support network, this is abusive. As others have said, I would move away from him back to your family.
You could ask for this thread to be moved to the relationships board, there will be lots of women who have been in your position of needing to leave who will help xxx

Antsgomarching · 13/12/2021 19:45

Abusive, to you and the baby. Leave, this will get worse, it won’t get better. Go before he hurts one of you.

Original poster
Firsttimemum101101 · 13/12/2021 23:24

Thank you so much for all your lovely comments and thank you all for letting me vent, I'm strongly thinking about leaving. I just can't see it getting better we've been together for so long now it's completely different to the start, he always makes me think it's me so I never delved too much into it but I think I'm realising now after reading what you all have to say, that I'm not over thinking and it definitely isn't me xx

OP posts:
Alitlebitsleepy · 14/12/2021 19:42

He is abusive. Trust that niggling voice in the back of your head. You're not being over dramatic, he's abusive.

Making you delete your social media and isolating you from your friends is extremely worrying. The aggression towards your baby is also worrying.

Please start making plans to leave.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 14/12/2021 19:45

Move back - leave him- absolutely vile and tbh doesn’t sound safe to be around your son.

sociallydistained · 14/12/2021 19:48

He sounds abusive let alone unsupportive. This makes me so sad for you and your little one.

HeavyHeidi · 14/12/2021 19:54

This man is horrible. He doesn't like you, he doesn't like his own child. He is abusive, nasty and extremely controlling.
It's not you.

Sam801 · 14/12/2021 21:12

I have a similar problem and I understand you... I am pregnant and because of the hormones everyone around me seems suspicious, including my husband. Furthermore, I think he's cheating on me.

TheCreamCaker · 14/12/2021 21:30

I'm sorry you're going through this. Your husband sounds a horrible bastard.

Is there anyone else who can support you a bit? Mum, sister, aunt?

DPotter · 14/12/2021 21:43

Totally unacceptable behaviour on his part.

Do you have family ? If so could they come a fetch you? How are you with his family - would one of them drive you home?

You've tried to be a family - it's not working. Leave

CrumpetStrumpet · 15/12/2021 07:26

I am so sorry you are going though this. You need to leave. This man is a potential danger to your baby. There is every chance that he could lose his temper one day and shake him etc. It really is that serious. At the very least your child will be damaged emotionally by being around this man.

Like @DPotter said, do you have friends or family that could come and collect you? You are in a deeply abusive controlling relationship. Please get outFlowers

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