Do people actually have "me time"?

[mummyof2littleones]

I have a 5 year old and 9 week old and find it extremely difficult to grab even 30 mins for myself once or twice a week. I was just hoping that someone would tell me this is completely normal with two little ones 😂

My friends (who only have one child or none), seem to think I'm exaggerating when I say I very rarely get the opportunity to have a soak in the bath or sit and read my book.

During the week I get up, feed and change the baby, then try to get bits around the house done while my little boy has his breakfast. I'll get baby washed and dressed, then the same with my little boy before taking him to school. When me and my baby girl get back home from the school run, it's feeds/nappy changes/play groups/food shopping (not every day for food shops or play groups though), and napping on repeat until school pick up again. When she naps, that's when I do my best to get washing/dishes/prep for tea done. When I've picked our little boy up from school, we come home, do his homework and we spend time together the three of us before my husband comes in from work. Sometimes I'll put some tele on for my little boy or get his colouring books out while I potter on starting to cook the tea and my baby girl sits in her highchair (that is suitable from birth) in the kitchen with me. After tea, I'll clean up while my husband baths the kids and gets them ready for bed or vice versa.

We take it in turns each night to read the kids a story before my little boy goes to bed and then I'll get bits done like a quick dust around where it's needed or put washing away before having a shower myself. That leaves me with about 40 mins to sit and watch some tele with my husband before I'm yawning and heading to bed.

When I've spoken to my friends about our typical weekdays, they've said they think I'm daft for not taking more time for myself. But these are all things that are part of our everyday life and I couldn't just decide not to do them otherwise mornings especially, would be chaos 😂 surely our daily life sounds normal as my friends have made me think that I'm too set with a routine and I should relax more.

I'd love to have a bit time to myself more often or to spend more quality time with my husband, but we don't have any other support to allow for this to happen.

Our weekends are less routine, but I'm now wondering if I am too strict with our routine through the week.

Does anyone else agree that it sounds as though I'm too "stuck in my ways" as my friends put it?

At 9 weeks you're still very much in the trenches. I found it much easier once they both had a set dinner to bedtime routine and I knew that was my parenting done for a few hours.

I've been much stricter about my "me time" second time round. My DH never stopped going to the football or the gym so why should I stop doing stuff? We have a family calendar and anything booked goes on there.

I have 6 kids (3mth-15yr) and dh works away a lot. My "me time" is getting in the gym to lift, we have a home set up so I can work it around the kids.

4mth now, not 3. Oh I need to go to bed lol

I'm a lone mum to 21-month old twins, who also works at least 50 hours a week in a 'big' job.

"Me-time" is from 8:30pm once the babies are in bed. I frequently have work meetings during that time though.

I'm constantly running. Running to start work in the morning when my childminder arrives. Running to give my babies lunch (i batch cook in the evenings), running back to work after babies lunch, later if I've no meetings running to give them dinner at 6pm or bath at 7pm. Then packing them off to bed and running to my late-night meetings.
There is never a second free.

Once all that's done, I have dinner and relax with a glass of wine.

There's no time for exercise, hobbies, catch-up with friends, etc. I've lost sight of what is normal/reasonable. I feel I work from 8:30am - 10pm, with some snatched moments to feed my babies and put them to bed.

@ThunderSocks

Following with interest as I do think what you're describing is totally normal, particularly if you have no outside help. I've been wondering something similar i.e. "what am I doing wrong that I seem to have no free time?" I have 3 dc: 4yo, 2yo, and 3 months. Older two are at nursery 9-3, but I just seem to spend all my days tidying up/sorting/organising/doing housework, cooking, laundry (oh lord, the laundry!! Washing, drying, sorting, folding, putting away...), feeding baby, changing nappies, trying to get baby to nap, mopping up sick...baby and I barely leave the house! Then once the older two are home it's constant demands for snacks/tv/toys out etc, dinner, bath, bedtime routine, and cleaning up the chaos they create in a matter of hours. 2yo has recently started getting out of bed so doesn't go down until 9-10pm some nights (and often wakes multiple times during the night, on top of baby's wakings for feeds) By the time she's asleep and I've sorted a few things for the morning/got ready for bed it's often after 10.30pm and I lie awake guiltily scrolling through mumsnet knowing I'll be even more shattered in the morning than if I just put my phone away and went to sleep...!

It's hard isn't it? But does give some reassurance to know you're not alone in the continuous running around like a headless chicken! Sounds like you're doing an amazing job!

@RedwineforSantaplease

At 9 weeks you're still very much in the trenches. I found it much easier once they both had a set dinner to bedtime routine and I knew that was my parenting done for a few hours.

I've been much stricter about my "me time" second time round. My DH never stopped going to the football or the gym so why should I stop doing stuff? We have a family calendar and anything booked goes on there.

You're absolutely right! My husband has never stopped going to rugby, but I'll be honest, I didn't really have any hobbies prior to having children. Going out with friends was my hobby but we all work shifts so it's a challenge in itself to find a day where we are all free. I'm glad you've found more time for yourself since having your 2nd baby 😊

@Chely

I have 6 kids (3mth-15yr) and dh works away a lot. My "me time" is getting in the gym to lift, we have a home set up so I can work it around the kids.

Wow, that's amazing! So good that you've got that at home too! Can only imagine how hectic things must get sometimes with 6 x

@user1471604848

I'm a lone mum to 21-month old twins, who also works at least 50 hours a week in a 'big' job.

"Me-time" is from 8:30pm once the babies are in bed. I frequently have work meetings during that time though.

I'm constantly running. Running to start work in the morning when my childminder arrives. Running to give my babies lunch (i batch cook in the evenings), running back to work after babies lunch, later if I've no meetings running to give them dinner at 6pm or bath at 7pm. Then packing them off to bed and running to my late-night meetings.
There is never a second free.

Once all that's done, I have dinner and relax with a glass of wine.

There's no time for exercise, hobbies, catch-up with friends, etc. I've lost sight of what is normal/reasonable. I feel I work from 8:30am - 10pm, with some snatched moments to feed my babies and put them to bed.

It is really full on some days isn't it? But it sounds like you're doing an amazing job and doing it single-handedly must be so hard, but no doubt worth it 😊 kids definitely keep you on your toes don't they 😂

I'm sorry you're struggling to find me time. I used to hate it when people would say "you just need to make time" regarding me feeling like I had no time for myself.

But since our 3rd child I do see what they mean.

I've identified what "me time" would look like and am able to slot it into our lives as we live.

For example, I do adore a lovely coffee and a good podcast so on days that DH is doing the school run, I leave for work half hour early to grab a coffee at Costa and make a slow thoughtful journey to work with a podcast.

Another example, I love a good soak in a bath with a glass of wine. So if I spot the boys are content and DH is about, I'll sneak off for one (ofc I let DH know in case the 1 year old needs help but i dont ask him).

Another one, if I'm a queue, whether that's traffic jam or at the supermarket, I tell myself to not worry about the queue and instead turn my attention to a bit of mindfulness, spotting different people or nature or observing my own feelings.

I'm very aware that this is probably not going to be taken well, I had to do a lot of thought work for the past year to get to where I am, but I do feel like I do get "me time" even if maybe standing in a shopping queue isn't how people imagine me time.

You have a 9 week old so no!
After DC1, my commute when from being the worst bit of the day to one of the best! 45 mins every morning & evening when I could stare out the window, read or just do some online shopping in peace. Even now I drive, I love the sense of freedom that comes with it!

@TwittleBee

I'm sorry you're struggling to find me time. I used to hate it when people would say "you just need to make time" regarding me feeling like I had no time for myself.

But since our 3rd child I do see what they mean.

I've identified what "me time" would look like and am able to slot it into our lives as we live.

For example, I do adore a lovely coffee and a good podcast so on days that DH is doing the school run, I leave for work half hour early to grab a coffee at Costa and make a slow thoughtful journey to work with a podcast.

Another example, I love a good soak in a bath with a glass of wine. So if I spot the boys are content and DH is about, I'll sneak off for one (ofc I let DH know in case the 1 year old needs help but i dont ask him).

Another one, if I'm a queue, whether that's traffic jam or at the supermarket, I tell myself to not worry about the queue and instead turn my attention to a bit of mindfulness, spotting different people or nature or observing my own feelings.

I'm very aware that this is probably not going to be taken well, I had to do a lot of thought work for the past year to get to where I am, but I do feel like I do get "me time" even if maybe standing in a shopping queue isn't how people imagine me time.

No, it's brilliant that you've found ways to have time to yourself, it doesn't matter what that is, as long as it's something you enjoy 😊

I'm okay about having less time to myself as I have 2 young children so I prepared myself for that anyway, but it's reassuring to know my routine seems pretty normal. And I'm sure a bit further down the line, I'll naturally be able to have a bit more time for myself as both of my children grow. Just soaking up the time with them while I'm on maternity leave and I don't have to think about work on top of everything else 😊

@lebkuchenforxmas

You have a 9 week old so no! After DC1, my commute when from being the worst bit of the day to one of the best! 45 mins every morning & evening when I could stare out the window, read or just do some online shopping in peace. Even now I drive, I love the sense of freedom that comes with it!

I prepared myself for it if I'm honest haha. But then again, I don't mind at all. I'm glad my routine sounds normal to you all. It makes me feel less alone that other people are running around chasing their tails a lot of the time too and that I don't need to necessarily change my routine at the moment because it works for our family 😊

I'm sure as my kids grow, I'll naturally get that bit more time to myself but like I've said in previous replies, I'm not complaining at all, just wondered if the way our day to day routine is, is pretty much the norm.

It's great you've found that sense of freedom on the drive to work. I bet it does help to know you've got that each day 😊

I think it's really very normal to get no "me time", you're doing brilliantly, you're still in 4th trimester AND you have a school age kid!

I totally disagree with your friends. Routine will unlock your free time, because it means someone else (DH, maybe a visiting grandparents sometime) can step in to help. As long as it isnt a schedule and the routine can flex a bit (which it sounds like it does).

I think you need to rebrand your time. If you are at a mum and baby group - that's your "you-time" - your baby doesnt give two hoots at this age. You go because you want to get out and about.

I used to read a book sneakily on my phone whilst breastfeeding or listen to the radio while looking after my little one, and I counted that as me time. My second baby had severe reflux so it was hard work, and I barely got a moment to myself as he couldnt settle lying down flat. I found baby-wearing was a godsend in the early months, I could take the baby on a long two mile walk on the school run, and would sometimes meet a school mum friend for a long walk too.

I'd put the baby on his play gym mat on the bathroom floor so I could grab a 2 min shower, otherwise i didnt get time to shower at all. And a haircut? No chance, haven't had a professional haircut in 3 years!

You just have to be creative and realise "me time" won't always be alone time. If you want to do something alone then you need to negotiate with your DH, it would do him a lot of good to wrangle both kids for the day - he'd appreciate you a lot more.

@NotTheGrinchAgain

I think it's really very normal to get no "me time", you're doing brilliantly, you're still in 4th trimester AND you have a school age kid!

I totally disagree with your friends. Routine will unlock your free time, because it means someone else (DH, maybe a visiting grandparents sometime) can step in to help. As long as it isnt a schedule and the routine can flex a bit (which it sounds like it does).

I think you need to rebrand your time. If you are at a mum and baby group - that's your "you-time" - your baby doesnt give two hoots at this age. You go because you want to get out and about.

I used to read a book sneakily on my phone whilst breastfeeding or listen to the radio while looking after my little one, and I counted that as me time. My second baby had severe reflux so it was hard work, and I barely got a moment to myself as he couldnt settle lying down flat. I found baby-wearing was a godsend in the early months, I could take the baby on a long two mile walk on the school run, and would sometimes meet a school mum friend for a long walk too.

I'd put the baby on his play gym mat on the bathroom floor so I could grab a 2 min shower, otherwise i didnt get time to shower at all. And a haircut? No chance, haven't had a professional haircut in 3 years!

You just have to be creative and realise "me time" won't always be alone time. If you want to do something alone then you need to negotiate with your DH, it would do him a lot of good to wrangle both kids for the day - he'd appreciate you a lot more.

Yes I completely agree about baby groups, my baby doesn't really know what's going on but it is a great way for me to just get out to somewhere different for a few hours a week 😊

I enjoy our routine if I'm honest as I know where I'm at from day to day. Something my friends have also said I'm a bit odd for, because I do like being organised and cleaning actually helps to relax my mind and slow it down sometimes.

If I found a new hobby, I know my husband would have absolutely no issues having the kids while I went off to do it, but I'm quite happy with the way we have our weekends. He has 3 hours each Saturday to play rugby (only when it's in season though, so that is only a few months of the year), which he's done before we had children and even before we met, so I have no issue with that at all. He's not been going back for long either due to covid restrictions. My hobby was a meal/drinks with my friends but we all work shifts now and obviously have other things going on too, so it's not always easy to find a time that suits everyone so we try to meet up once a month 😊

I think you have to find a hobby or exercise class or say "every Saturday am I'm having 10-12 as my time" and then fill that time with something you want to do or else it won't happen. You should be able to meet your friends on top of your "hobby time" too - they're a necessity.

I joined a new exercise class in the summer and it's been fantastic for getting me out of the house weekly and making new friends who don't know me as the kids mum - it's our Christmas social tonight and I can't wait.

@RedwineforSantaplease

I think you have to find a hobby or exercise class or say "every Saturday am I'm having 10-12 as my time" and then fill that time with something you want to do or else it won't happen. You should be able to meet your friends on top of your "hobby time" too - they're a necessity.

I joined a new exercise class in the summer and it's been fantastic for getting me out of the house weekly and making new friends who don't know me as the kids mum - it's our Christmas social tonight and I can't wait.

My friends and myself (when I'm not on mat leave) all work shifts so it's not always the easiest to find a day we're all off together, otherwise I would definitely be trying to do it more often than once a month 😊

I'm not really a gym person but after reading people's suggestions on this thread, I'm thinking that listening to some music or an audiobook while I'm out walking with the baby in the pram would be a nice way to switch off for a bit 😊

@RedwineforSantaplease

I think you have to find a hobby or exercise class or say "every Saturday am I'm having 10-12 as my time" and then fill that time with something you want to do or else it won't happen. You should be able to meet your friends on top of your "hobby time" too - they're a necessity.

I joined a new exercise class in the summer and it's been fantastic for getting me out of the house weekly and making new friends who don't know me as the kids mum - it's our Christmas social tonight and I can't wait.

I'm glad you've found something new you enjoy and an added bonus by making more friends 😊 enjoy your Christmas night tonight!

I'm thinking that listening to some music or an audiobook while I'm out walking with the baby in the pram would be a nice way to switch off for a bit 😊

Do this, but also have some time to yourself with NO children every weekend. You don’t need to go to the gym. Take yourself to a cafe with a book or your phone. Or go see one friend at a time, on the weekends where you’re not having the group meet ups.

I think it’s really important that a) you get a few hours a week with no DC and b) your DH gets the experience of being in sole charge of the DC just for a little bit every weekend.

I only have one but I work 3 days with a long commute and probably have too high standards for housework plus my daughter doesn't go to bed at anywhere near a decent time 😬 (not spoken about on mumsnet- 9pm is a good night!) ...so I know how you feel!

It's very important for me to have time to myself so the only thing I do is get up earlier and go to bed later! 🙈 I know it's not for everyone but I sleep no more than 7 hours a night so I can watch tv by myself and go fo a run before anyone is up. It's far from ideal but I just wanted to know you aren't alone.

@again2020

I only have one but I work 3 days with a long commute and probably have too high standards for housework plus my daughter doesn't go to bed at anywhere near a decent time 😬 (not spoken about on mumsnet- 9pm is a good night!) ...so I know how you feel!

It's very important for me to have time to myself so the only thing I do is get up earlier and go to bed later! 🙈 I know it's not for everyone but I sleep no more than 7 hours a night so I can watch tv by myself and go fo a run before anyone is up. It's far from ideal but I just wanted to know you aren't alone.

Thank you so much for your reply! It is hard work when kids don't sleep isn't it? I can empathise with you on that also, as our 5 year old little boy has only really started sleeping through the night with no issues for the last year I would say. It's so good that you have those things to do which means you get that time for yourself 😊

When he’s napping or at bedtime, I’m on mumsnet or scrolling through my phone. He usually wakes if I’m not next to him, otherwise I would be getting housework done whilst he’s taking a nap.

I have a 9 week old baby and a 3 year old. I have me time by having coffee in a cafe while my baby sleeps in pram and 3 year old at nursery. Coffee shops are full of people doing the same. I take my phone and usually scroll Mumsnet or news or sort life admin while I sip my latte! Really boosts my spirits to have this time " alone" out the house. I think you might be overdoing the housework? I like my house to clean and tidy but apart from kitchen cleaning, laundry and general living room tidiness, I spread all other tasks out. So dusting and hoovering living room one day, bathroom another. And I often even spread those tasks out more, like just cleaning the bath one day and not the whole bathroom in one go. You definitely need to find some headspace or it is all just overwhelming.

@eddiemairswife

'me time' seems to be a Mumsnet invention.

I’m childfree and all of my time apart from work is my time 🤷🏼‍♀️😊

@Shapesandcolours

I have a 9 week old baby and a 3 year old. I have me time by having coffee in a cafe while my baby sleeps in pram and 3 year old at nursery. Coffee shops are full of people doing the same. I take my phone and usually scroll Mumsnet or news or sort life admin while I sip my latte! Really boosts my spirits to have this time " alone" out the house. I think you might be overdoing the housework? I like my house to clean and tidy but apart from kitchen cleaning, laundry and general living room tidiness, I spread all other tasks out. So dusting and hoovering living room one day, bathroom another. And I often even spread those tasks out more, like just cleaning the bath one day and not the whole bathroom in one go. You definitely need to find some headspace or it is all just overwhelming.

This is also a really good idea! I like the idea of sitting in a coffee shop with a book while baby naps in the pram 😊 think I'll trial this from next week, thank you!

I have never prioritised dusting over sitting down and having a relax once dd is in bed. Honestly. The dust doesn’t matter at this stage of life.