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Parenting

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Original poster

Struggling to cope.

45 replies

emmysworld · 07/12/2021 12:56

Hi everyone.

Please be kind as the title suggests, I am really struggling to cope at the moment.

I have a toddler, dog and husband and we live in a very small flat and we can not move at the moment.

My toddler clings to me day and night and won't sleep in their own bed (which is fine most nights as I need as much sleep as I can get) but some nights it's just relentless with kicking and screaming all night long. My husband has slept on the sofa every single night for the past 3 years of our marriage and does absolutely nothing to help.

My husband is extremely messy. He doesn't tidy up, and if he sees mess he just steps over it. Our house is too small for us all and I also run a business from home around our toddler. I try my hardest every single day to tidy up etc and I do a load of washing every single day, and I just can't keep on top of everything. My toddler is currently going through a regression so refuses naps and bedtime. I am finding myself crying almost every day.

My dad passed away very recently (I am younger than 30 and wasn't expecting a parent to die so soon) and this has really hit me hard and I'm finding myself struggling to cope with the constant screaming, mess, noise and lack of love or support from my husband and I am feeling very alone.

My husband won't allow for our toddler to go into nursery, but he also isn't around to help out. He comes in from work later than 8pm most nights and also goes out with his friends regularly. Whenever I speak to my husband and tell him I am struggling he says to me I am crumbling and should be able to cope like any other mum, but truth is I just can't.

My toddler watches way too much tv and doesn't eat the nutritious healthy meals I imagined myself cooking before I became a mum and I just feel so lonely and like im failing.

What can I do? 😞

OP posts:

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RedwineforSantaplease · 07/12/2021 13:03

Tell your husband to pack his bags? He's a dead weight.

Twizbe · 07/12/2021 13:10

Tell your husband to man the fuck up!

He's an adult which means he's responsible for keeping his home tidy. It's not just your job.

How soon until your toddler gets funded hours? You tell him that your toddler is going to nursery then.

He needs to be a parent as well and support you in dealing with your child.

If he won't do this get rid, you'd be better off

Original poster

emmysworld · 07/12/2021 13:12

@Twizbe

Tell your husband to man the fuck up!

He's an adult which means he's responsible for keeping his home tidy. It's not just your job.

How soon until your toddler gets funded hours? You tell him that your toddler is going to nursery then.

He needs to be a parent as well and support you in dealing with your child.

If he won't do this get rid, you'd be better off

Do free hours start when they're 3? If that's the case then just over a year 🥴

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incornerreading · 07/12/2021 13:13

Do you think you could put your foot down and insist your toddler goes to nursery? That would help a lot. It’s so full on when they’re at home all day when they’re toddlers and it helps to send them off now and then to run off steam and have different activities and people than at home. Why does your husband get to forbid it? Also I am so sorry for your loss

Original poster

emmysworld · 07/12/2021 13:14

@incornerreading

He said he doesn't believe in paying for childcare when I am at home to provide it. And Thankyou x

OP posts:

MintJulia · 07/12/2021 13:17

Depending on your income, free hours can start when they are two.

And what do you mean 'your husband won't allow...' ? Tell him he either does his share of child care and tidying or he can fuck the fuck off and your child is going to nursery.

Twizbe · 07/12/2021 13:18

It's the term after they turn three so depending on the birthday it could be a while off.

I understand his point, but 1 day a week at nursery is going to save your sanity and help you get on top of things.

Tbh though you still need your husband to stop being a dick

MintJulia · 07/12/2021 13:18

And yes, on the basis of what you describe, you really would be healthier and happier without your husband.

Original poster

emmysworld · 07/12/2021 13:19

@Twizbe

It's the term after they turn three so depending on the birthday it could be a while off.

I understand his point, but 1 day a week at nursery is going to save your sanity and help you get on top of things.

Tbh though you still need your husband to stop being a dick

I understand his point too, especially as where we live just 1 day a week at nursery is over 1k a month. We are also in the top earners for the UK so I'm not sure how funding works for nursery, I don't think we are entitled to it - and if we are we definitely aren't entitled to it from when they are two.

OP posts:

Original poster

emmysworld · 07/12/2021 13:20

@MintJulia

And yes, on the basis of what you describe, you really would be healthier and happier without your husband.

I have to say at the moment I agree. I just don't have the mental capacity to deal with a divorce right now

OP posts:

stairway · 07/12/2021 13:24

Presumably the husband is the sole earner so I can’t imagine the OP would be better off as a single mum on no income. The toddler sounds bored and so does OP. I would suggest trying to do more things in the day like toddler groups/ activities.

AssassinatedBeauty · 07/12/2021 13:26

How is one day at nursery working out at £1,000 a month? Are you in a very wealthy part of London?? Are there really no cheaper options?

If you're running a business then you aren't there just to do childcare. You should be able to have adequate time to work on your business.

What is the point of your husband being in the top 1% of earners if you live in a tiny cramped flat and he is (abusively) restricting you from using some of that money to put your child in nursery part time?? And whilst he's being vile and lazy.

Original poster

emmysworld · 07/12/2021 13:26

@stairway

We do many toddler groups

OP posts:

AssassinatedBeauty · 07/12/2021 13:27

(Sorry, not top 1% of earners, I misread. But the point remains!)

Flangeosaurus · 07/12/2021 13:27

Sorry but there’s no way in the UK a single day at nursery a week is £1k I think maybe up to £80 a day in the South.

mayblossominapril · 07/12/2021 13:27

If you earn less than £16k you get free hours from 2. So if you will earn less than this without DH it might be worth chucking him out. It doesn’t not count cm in that total.
Sorry for the loss of your dad.

Original poster

emmysworld · 07/12/2021 13:27

@AssassinatedBeauty

How is one day at nursery working out at £1,000 a month? Are you in a very wealthy part of London?? Are there really no cheaper options?

If you're running a business then you aren't there just to do childcare. You should be able to have adequate time to work on your business.

Yes. We are in a wealthy part of London. We can not physically move at the moment due to reasons out of our hands.

OP posts:

Original poster

emmysworld · 07/12/2021 13:28

@Flangeosaurus

Sorry but there’s no way in the UK a single day at nursery a week is £1k

I think maybe up to £80 a day in the South.

We'll best believe it because that's unfortunately how much it costs where we live!

OP posts:

Flangeosaurus · 07/12/2021 13:31

If you really don’t have any other options for nursery other than somewhere which costs £250 a day then I’d cast your net a bit wider. Presumably in central London you could easily travel a bit further to somewhere cheaper? Added bonus, it gets you and the toddler out of the flat for a bit.

NowEvenBetter · 07/12/2021 13:32

Divorce your pointless husband and he will be free to not use nurseries on the days when he is responsible for parenting his kid. 🙂

Original poster

emmysworld · 07/12/2021 13:33

@NowEvenBetter

Divorce your pointless husband and he will be free to not use nurseries on the days when he is responsible for parenting his kid. 🙂

🙉😅

OP posts:

EmmaInParis · 07/12/2021 13:34

The only person failing here is your husband who badly needs to step up and support you, or get gone. You sound like an absolute superwoman doing the very best you can for your family. Lots of love to you.

Original poster

emmysworld · 07/12/2021 13:34

Most days I'm fine and feel like I can hold off of nursery until they're 2.5, but days like today I just feel like I can't cope and I find it really difficult and lonely. I think more so because of the marriage than anything. We do toddler classes 4-5 days a week and are regularly out of the house/doing crafts etc

OP posts:

Hohofortherobbers · 07/12/2021 13:35

One day a week is not going to be over £1k a month, your husband is telling you that to discourage you form looking. Price some up and a childminder too. Look at tax free childcare, depending on income you and husband can claim to make it cheaper. I'm still on the childcare vouchers and get up to £243 childcare per month tax free as I'm a basic rate tax payer

HelloNope · 07/12/2021 13:36

Can you put your little one into a pre school?
Mine has been going since she was 27months, it's only 3 hours every morning but it helps a lot and we have to pay for it. You could put them in for a couple of mornings a week?

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