Struggling to cope.

[emmysworld]

Hi everyone.

Please be kind as the title suggests, I am really struggling to cope at the moment.

I have a toddler, dog and husband and we live in a very small flat and we can not move at the moment.

My toddler clings to me day and night and won't sleep in their own bed (which is fine most nights as I need as much sleep as I can get) but some nights it's just relentless with kicking and screaming all night long. My husband has slept on the sofa every single night for the past 3 years of our marriage and does absolutely nothing to help.

My husband is extremely messy. He doesn't tidy up, and if he sees mess he just steps over it. Our house is too small for us all and I also run a business from home around our toddler. I try my hardest every single day to tidy up etc and I do a load of washing every single day, and I just can't keep on top of everything. My toddler is currently going through a regression so refuses naps and bedtime. I am finding myself crying almost every day.

My dad passed away very recently (I am younger than 30 and wasn't expecting a parent to die so soon) and this has really hit me hard and I'm finding myself struggling to cope with the constant screaming, mess, noise and lack of love or support from my husband and I am feeling very alone.

My husband won't allow for our toddler to go into nursery, but he also isn't around to help out. He comes in from work later than 8pm most nights and also goes out with his friends regularly. Whenever I speak to my husband and tell him I am struggling he says to me I am crumbling and should be able to cope like any other mum, but truth is I just can't.

My toddler watches way too much tv and doesn't eat the nutritious healthy meals I imagined myself cooking before I became a mum and I just feel so lonely and like im failing.

What can I do? 😞

@Hohofortherobbers

One day a week is not going to be over £1k a month, your husband is telling you that to discourage you form looking. Price some up and a childminder too. Look at tax free childcare, depending on income you and husband can claim to make it cheaper. I'm still on the childcare vouchers and get up to £243 childcare per month tax free as I'm a basic rate tax payer

My husband isn't telling me it's 1k a month. That's from my own research.

There's no way it would cost that. It cost us just under a grand a month for 3 days a week at nursery.

One day is not going to cost that much. There are also childminders to consider. It would likely cost the same as all the toddler groups you're going to.

Mostly though I think you need to have a clear chat with husband. Either things change or you're gone.

@HelloNope

Can you put your little one into a pre school? Mine has been going since she was 27months, it's only 3 hours every morning but it helps a lot and we have to pay for it. You could put them in for a couple of mornings a week?

Yes, this is exactly what I plan to do when they are old enough! ☺️ minimum age is 2.5 and it's more than half the price of nursery

I am baffled as to why the focus on this thread is the cost of nursery where we live. That's how much it costs. If you don't want to believe that then please don't comment any further. I can not help the costs of our local nursery's. We live in knightsbridge!!!

Nursery costs aren't the point, I get it, but I think people are making sure you've worked through all the short term options, before you do the obvious one of leaving you H/ giving him an ultimatum before you do.

FWIW I'm somewhere easily reachable from Knightsbridge and pay £80/ day.

@Zarene

Nursery costs aren't the point, I get it, but I think people are making sure you've worked through all the short term options, before you do the obvious one of leaving you H/ giving him an ultimatum before you do.

FWIW I'm somewhere easily reachable from Knightsbridge and pay £80/ day.

Leaving my husband wasn't even on my mind until I started this thread.

I can't imagine how hard this is for you, especially over winter when going outside is getting more difficult. I don't think many people could cope with this, particularly when you're grieving. You seriously need a break.

I have a 16mo and work 3 days a week while my boy is in nursery. My husband shares some of the load and feel I get a 'break' when I work. I still feel overwhelmed sometimes, particularly when DS is sick.

I think putting him in nursery two or three days a week would really help you a would be great for him. If not then I would look to have toddler classes booked in three or four times a week to get you both out and about doing things. The other option is a regular babysitter for a couple of hrs once or twice a week. I did this before my son started nursery as he had never been looked after by anyone else. Found them on childcare.co.uk.

Can you get a cleaner in once a week? Very difficult if you're home all the time and is a small house. I have a cleaner who also makes one big meal each week and it is a godsend. Like you, I was struggling to find the time and energy to cook healthy meals for the family and now we have a big batch of bolognase, chilli, fish pie etc made once a week with leftovers to freeze.

Can your husband take your little boy out one morning/afternoon each weekend? We have just booked swimming for Sunday mornings which my husband will take ds to.

Sounds like you've already tried but a really serious conversation with your husband is needed.

For what it's worth on the fees discussion, we are in Central London and pay £85 per day for nursery, with tax free childcare it works out about £900 per month.

Good luck xx

@EL1984

I can't imagine how hard this is for you, especially over winter when going outside is getting more difficult. I don't think many people could cope with this, particularly when you're grieving. You seriously need a break.

I have a 16mo and work 3 days a week while my boy is in nursery. My husband shares some of the load and feel I get a 'break' when I work. I still feel overwhelmed sometimes, particularly when DS is sick.

I think putting him in nursery two or three days a week would really help you a would be great for him. If not then I would look to have toddler classes booked in three or four times a week to get you both out and about doing things. The other option is a regular babysitter for a couple of hrs once or twice a week. I did this before my son started nursery as he had never been looked after by anyone else. Found them on childcare.co.uk.

Can you get a cleaner in once a week? Very difficult if you're home all the time and is a small house. I have a cleaner who also makes one big meal each week and it is a godsend. Like you, I was struggling to find the time and energy to cook healthy meals for the family and now we have a big batch of bolognase, chilli, fish pie etc made once a week with leftovers to freeze.

Can your husband take your little boy out one morning/afternoon each weekend? We have just booked swimming for Sunday mornings which my husband will take ds to.

Sounds like you've already tried but a really serious conversation with your husband is needed.

For what it's worth on the fees discussion, we are in Central London and pay £85 per day for nursery, with tax free childcare it works out about £900 per month.

Good luck xx

Thankyou so much. Did you feel guilty for having someone else care for your son? I feel like I'm failing for needing a break 😞 it's only a few months I have to wait until he can go into preschool rather than a day nursery and I'm trying to stick it out until then.

I didn't know cleaners also cooked! That must be a god send for you xx

no nursery is £250 a day- you have got confused somewhere. Nurseries in zone 3 are between £45-£110 a day

does your husband take over at the weekend?

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

does your husband take over at the weekend?

No 🥴

Are you really saying that every nursery is £250 a day!!!! Surely you could drive or even get an Uber to somewhere cheaper??? Surely London is rammed full of nurseries and preschools???

But anyway, you clearly need to have a long conversation with your husband. You need support, he needs to step up. He should be doing some of the housework at least. Even if he could just help with cooking.

I think people are getting distracted by the nursery costs because it is many times more expensive than nurseries outside London. A quick Google reveals that some nurseries in areas like Knightsbridge do indeed charge that much or more.

the issue isnt you're struggling to cope it's that you have an awful, waste of space partner

@AssassinatedBeauty

I think people are getting distracted by the nursery costs because it is many times more expensive than nurseries outside London. A quick Google reveals that some nurseries in areas like Knightsbridge do indeed charge that much or more.

Thankyou. 👏🏽

It seems to me that your two main problems are where you live and your husband! Surely you'd be so much happier living in a cheaper area in a more spacious property and a nursery round the corner which cost a £60 a day?

You know what, OP? I'm not a 'LTB' type but seriously, I was in a similar position to you once upon a time and I left him and I was far, far more competent and happier as a single parent. Your partner is just an extra dependent, basically.

Just want to say Op, that you are coping, and you are doing a great job given that not only do you have a lack of supportive partner - he actively makes things worse by doing nothing for himself around the home.

Did he change after the baby was born, or was it always like this?

Make sure your contraception is bullet proof. Your situation will be a million times worse with another baby in the mix.

Have you considered a childminder? They are cheaper and it would give you a break at least or a babysitter?

Your dh needs to leave, that is the only way things will improve in the longer term - I understand you can't face it now, but you can prepare by ensuring your financial and job situation is secure and make plans. You would be infinitely happier and less isolated if you were not with him, he sounds truly awful.

You have a husband problem,

We have a 16 month old, he is in nursery while I work, sometimes that's from home - but my DH fully understands I cannot do that work with a 16 month old under my feet all day.

He does see the mess, he just doesn't care about it as he knows you'll clean it up.

What positives does your husband bring to your life? being in a partnership is supposed to make your life easier, not harder.