Should we have a 3rd child?

[Catbell82]

Sorry this will be a long one....

I appreciate that no one can really answer this question for us but I would appreciate any advice/opinions. We have a DD (5) and DS(10). After DD was born we both said we were happy with 2 and didn't want any more, but over the past year or so I often thinking about having another child and find myself feeling very broody every time someone tells me they're pregnant. There are a couple of things holding me back though:

1. there is already a fairly large age gap between our 2 children which sometimes I regret as it means they don't really play together. I feel like maybe if we were going to have a 3rd we should have done it a couple of years ago as it's already difficult sometimes trying to find things to do all together that both the 5 & 10 year old will enjoy. 2)Finances - we could afford another child but it would mean sacrificing other things such as our yearly holiday (which DS always looks forward to & may feel resentful if we can't go as a result of having another child), we would have to cut back on the number of activities they both currently do in order to save money, we wouldn't be able to afford to have some work done on the house that we had been planning, DD would have to share a room with the baby as we can't afford to move & she may come to resent that later on. Besides the above I still earn for another baby but my head says it's not sensible. I'm 39 now though so my biological clock is ticking and we need to make a decision one way or another! DH is on the fence - he thinks financially it's not a good idea but says we can have another if it's what I really want. But I can't decide what's best! :-(

I wouldn’t! I have 3 so I guess it’s easy for me to say that though. Costs a bloody fortune, I have 3 years between each ie my eldest was 6 when the youngest was born & even that feels like quite a big range in the family.

I wouldn't if it means having to cut back on things for your other children. Sharing rooms is one thing and pretty common in real life but having to cut back on a holiday and activities (and presumably many of the expenses of the teenage years)? That way only lies resentment.

I wouldn't. In my opinion, the trade off for all those sacrifices (no holiday, less activities) would be a playmate close in age. And with those age gaps, as you say, they wouldn't really be getting that.

So they'd be losing their holiday, activities, parents time and attention and not really gaining much.

I have three kids aged 2, 4 and 6 and I usually say go for it, but in your situation I wouldn't.

There is really very little in common between a ten year old and a baby, or a 15 year old and a five year old if you think ahead, so facilitating days out that suit everyone is going to be difficult. It means going right back to the whole baby thing of sleepless nights and naps and prams and all the general faff, when you have moved out of that phase now.

Also even in my situation I find the 'baby' (she's only just two) dictates a lot of what we do because of naps and things needing to be buggy friendly etc. I can't really take all my kids to the cinema for example because she's just too little to sit for any length of time. This would all be magnified in your situation.

Also by the time your third was five you would have been parenting little kids for a very long time. I would enjoy the two you have and be glad you're past the baby stage!

I wouldn't. You also need to consider the situation when your 3rd child ends up having special needs. How will it impact the older kids?

No I wouldn't because you are really not sure.

Would you manage if the third has special needs?

Spoke to a colleague yesterday who has a 12, 7 and 2 year old. Says they never play together ever. She says it was manageable with 2 but since the youngest has come along she relies a lot on her 12 yo DD

Hi Catbell, I am going to go totally against the grain here as your situation sounds identical to mine, I now have a 24 yr old son, a 20yr old daughter and a 14 yr son born when I was 39. Never regretted a minute of it. They are all great kids and get along great, sometimes the age gap is an advantage my two sons have never really argued and now do so many things together even did a trip to London in the summer. It is harder when they are younger but also gives you an opportunity to do things individually with each one as well.

Do the kids futures in the upcoming catastrophic decades feature in your choice? Climate refugees, food shortages, extreme weather, every new consumer will worsen it, and have to endure it.
There doesn’t appear to be any reason to have another kid? For example, ‘giving kids a sibling’ is not a reason. It wouldn’t benefit your existing kids. Would you want to be doing dreary toddler crap while dealing with parent is teenager and primary school age kid? Sounds nightmarish, but then I’m proudly childfree 😁

No.

I definitely wouldn't. You feel broody because of hormones and impending peri-menopause, it's very, very common and it will pass. You have a perfect little family, be happy with what you already have.

@NowEvenBetter

Do the kids futures in the upcoming catastrophic decades feature in your choice? Climate refugees, food shortages, extreme weather, every new consumer will worsen it, and have to endure it. There doesn’t appear to be any reason to have another kid? For example, ‘giving kids a sibling’ is not a reason. It wouldn’t benefit your existing kids. Would you want to be doing dreary toddler crap while dealing with parent is teenager and primary school age kid? Sounds nightmarish, but then I’m proudly childfree 😁

BINGO

No. You would essentially have three only children. It will massively change the family dynamic, not necessarily for the better.

Also, if it is a financial stretch now it will be unmanageable once you reach the teenage years. Your income will be taken into account when your DC are applying for student loans. SFE are only interested in your income, not your outgoings or how many children you have.

To give another perspective- I really regret not having had a third child. We thought about it when DS and DD were small and decided that we were happy as we were. Now I really yearn for another but it is almost certainly too late, for all sorts of reasons.

If you can conceivably afford it, then I wouldn't let money influence you- the richness that would be added to your lives by another baby far outweighs the benefit of having expensive holidays or new cars.

In terms of the age gap- you know what that's like already. There was a decade between me and my sister and it was great- we didn't play together but I was able to help my mum look after her (which I wanted to do) and as adults we have a close relationship. Plus not all children of similar ages play together either!

I think you have your eyes open- you know the amount of work involved, as well as the likely expense. Would it help to try to imagine yourself 10 years down the line- a scenario in which you have two children of 20 and 15, with all the freedom that that offers, and a scenario in which you have a 20yo, 15yo and 10yo, maybe a bit less money and a bit less freedom but longer in that particular phase of motherhood?

no, doesnt sound like everyday life for your other two children would be better with a 3rd child, actually worse. Like you said they arent even close enough in age to enjoy the same things and you cant particularly afford it.

the richness that would be added to your lives by another baby far outweighs the benefit of having expensive holidays the OP didnt say expensive holidays, she said no holidays. The idea that a child is going to be grateful for another sibling at the sake of their fun, experiences and activities just isnt true.

@NowEvenBetter

Do the kids futures in the upcoming catastrophic decades feature in your choice? Climate refugees, food shortages, extreme weather, every new consumer will worsen it, and have to endure it. There doesn’t appear to be any reason to have another kid? For example, ‘giving kids a sibling’ is not a reason. It wouldn’t benefit your existing kids. Would you want to be doing dreary toddler crap while dealing with parent is teenager and primary school age kid? Sounds nightmarish, but then I’m proudly childfree 😁

Catastrophic decades? People still had babies when they were being chased by sabre tooth tigers, in the middle of world wars and every other calamity earth has gone through in between.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers This was very much not my experience of having a sibling with a big age gap- all our lives were enriched by it to a huge extent. Still, just offering my opinion

But no, I wouldn't have a third child in your circumstances.

You are having a natural wobble because you are reaching the end of your reproductive cycle.

I wouldn't have a third child if it meant the other 2 having to cut back on activities they already do and enjoy, and never have the opportunity for family holidays etc.

SSOYS financially did your first 2 childrens lives change as the result of a 3rd?

If you want another one then have another one. You can't plan what the logistics might be (your kids may give up activities anyway!) but if you know you're capable of making (and willing to make) adjustments to your life then go for it I say!

I absolutely wouldn’t in your shoes.

I don’t think you can assume having a much younger sibling will enrich your children’s lives, they may well have zero interest in babies. I had a sibling 5 yrs younger and we had nothing in common, I wasn’t a maternal type of child who loved helping with babies.

I certainly wouldn’t assume there will be enough benefits to outweigh the reduction in parental time and attention, and the limits on activities, holidays finances etc.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

SSOYS financially did your first 2 childrens lives change as the result of a 3rd?

@OnlyFoolsnMothers sorry, obviously not clear- I don't have three children. I am one of three children with a big gap between 2 and 3. My experience of being a child in that situation was that it was wonderful- we were thrilled to have a baby sister, despite the obvious disruption a new baby brings.

I think most posts on this thread only consider the effect on existing children in a negative light- less money to go round- and wrongly discount the very positive benefits that having a new sibling can bring. Just keen to put the other side.