Should we have a 3rd child?

[Catbell82]

Sorry this will be a long one....

I appreciate that no one can really answer this question for us but I would appreciate any advice/opinions. We have a DD (5) and DS(10). After DD was born we both said we were happy with 2 and didn't want any more, but over the past year or so I often thinking about having another child and find myself feeling very broody every time someone tells me they're pregnant. There are a couple of things holding me back though:

1. there is already a fairly large age gap between our 2 children which sometimes I regret as it means they don't really play together. I feel like maybe if we were going to have a 3rd we should have done it a couple of years ago as it's already difficult sometimes trying to find things to do all together that both the 5 & 10 year old will enjoy. 2)Finances - we could afford another child but it would mean sacrificing other things such as our yearly holiday (which DS always looks forward to & may feel resentful if we can't go as a result of having another child), we would have to cut back on the number of activities they both currently do in order to save money, we wouldn't be able to afford to have some work done on the house that we had been planning, DD would have to share a room with the baby as we can't afford to move & she may come to resent that later on. Besides the above I still earn for another baby but my head says it's not sensible. I'm 39 now though so my biological clock is ticking and we need to make a decision one way or another! DH is on the fence - he thinks financially it's not a good idea but says we can have another if it's what I really want. But I can't decide what's best! :-(

SSOYS oh i see, thanks for clarifying

Mum of a 6 year old and nearly 2 year old here, aged 36. My take on this is an EMPHATIC NO. I can only give you my reasons - and I realise these don’t apply to others - so fully personally -

1. I won’t make DS 6, adjust once again to another infant just when his life is expanding in leaps and bounds, and when he already has a sibling

1. I won’t take away from DS and DD the financial security we can give them - our life, hobbies, holidays and comfort.

1. I won’t take away from them the future support financially we can provide them if there are just 2 who might need our support as opposed to 3.

1. I won’t sacrifice my body any further.

1. My spouse and I won’t spend any longer than necessary doling our masses of childcare fees. Once DD leaves nursery we will commit that money differently and save and enjoy it.

1. Whilst we are still only 36-38 we won’t take chances with increasing age in case a third sibling has challenges that significantly alter our existing children’s lives and futures. Things are just right as they are now and whilst we will collectively fight any challenges this existing unit may well face in future we won’t add another member to this unit.

1. DS and DD as adult children feel like a complete picture to us and any decision we make will prioritise what’s best for them and what’s necessary for them.

As for the argument that a third sibling is fun and they may well love each other lots - the same can be said of a 4th sibling or an Nth. 3 isn’t a magic number at which to stop any more than anything else is.

I can give a perspective from spending my childhood in household of 3 siblings with 7 years age gap between each of us. I am the middle child and I can promise you none of us got along well from childhood until now. We didn't had anything in common neither we ever played together. I would highly recommend you to not have another one. My father lost Job when we were younger and money was tight. We kind of resented the whole situation of so many siblings and the elder siblings had to grow up quickly in order to support the family and each of us had to support the youngest sibling which was kind of added liability.
You might be yearning for a third child but you need to think from your children's perspective as well as it's not just you in this, it's the whole family which gets impacted

Thegreencup so? What’s going to be good about being made to live during a climate catastrophe?
Your post is saying ‘life has always been fucking crap! Breed!’ 😂😂😂

I think you need to think what would you regret more? Having another with harder logistics and less money or not having another. I have 3, mine were 8 and 5 when the baby was born, and the older one especially dotes on him. Yes, it is harder and the older ones don't get to do as many family activities suited to them as the little one can't BUT I think overall the benefits have outweighed the negative aspects and they have another sibling for life. I doubt you'd regret another if you are questioning it.

No! - it sounds like the last chance longing rather than really wanting to - get a kitten
Practically:
The age gap is huge
You can’t afford it
You don’t have the space
It’s very bad for the planet
It will make you poorer and less able to earn in an uncertain time

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

the richness that would be added to your lives by another baby far outweighs the benefit of having expensive holidays the OP didnt say expensive holidays, she said no holidays. The idea that a child is going to be grateful for another sibling at the sake of their fun, experiences and activities just isnt true.

I can't think how a baby would interest 2 older kids TBH

I am one of 3. There is 5 years between me and my brother and 10 years between me and my sister. I've been like a second Mum to her all throughout her life. Although I broke her heart when she was 8 and I went to uni. Now I'm 34 (with my own son) and and she is 24. I can honestly say she is my best friend. All 3 or us are close and being different ages has never stopped us from doing things together. No real advice to offer but wanted to share my opinion about the potential age gap. Good luck with your decision x

Given what you've said in your opening post it seems a very bad idea. A stretch financially, and asking DD to share with a baby! What happens when she is 13 and the baby is 8? Or even when they are 10 and 5. Plus no holidays, cancelling their activities. Put the children you have first.

You already have a child of 5 and 10. At your age your thinking that this could be your last chance to have another child. You told us that this baby will have to share a room with one of your children as you can't afford to move house. Then your children will have to go to less extra curricular activities and you will all have less holidays. Along with this they will have to get use to a baby and as a family you won't have the same freedom as you all currently have.
Also at your age you have a higher chance of having a child with special needs and if this was to happen it would effect the whole family long term.
At this stage you are over the nappies and years of poor sleep. Your children are getting older and gaining more independence as they get older. Your 10 year old will be in secondary school soon and within a few years you will have college costs for them.

As your children both get older the expenses will get higher also and you want to be in a position to pay for college for them and you told us that a third child will push you financially.
In your case I would be happy with the children you already have and be looking forward to gaining back more time as they get older.

If you would have to cut back on so much, you can't afford a third child.

I feel the same as you. I have a 4 year old and 6 year old. I feel SO sad about not having another and that my baby days are over. But I know it is not the right thing to do. The gap is too big for the siblings to play, we don't have an extra bedroom, we would have to sell our house.....then it's the next 5 years work-wise, childcare wise, then there is the emotional side of it of having to share the parents' attention....but most of all it just isn't right for the children that we have and that is who we have to put first now. I still feel sad and find it really hard to be around pregnant people.

Thanks for all the replies. Deep down I know it's not the right thing to do and I have to put the children we have first and think of what's best for them.
Blueskies3 I feel the same and am struggling to accept that part of my life is over. It doesn't help that my sister has just told me she's pregnant. She's a couple of years older than me and has 2 children who are both older than mine so the age gap will be even bigger. However money is not a issue for them so financially it will have no impact on their existing children.

I sometimes feel really sad that I'm done having babies, I have about a million reasons to be done having them (and I am!) yet I still feel sad sometimes. I think it's normal to feel sad, but feelings are just clouds, they eventually pass. We don't have to act on all of them

@Catbell82

Thanks for all the replies. Deep down I know it's not the right thing to do and I have to put the children we have first and think of what's best for them. Blueskies3 I feel the same and am struggling to accept that part of my life is over. It doesn't help that my sister has just told me she's pregnant. She's a couple of years older than me and has 2 children who are both older than mine so the age gap will be even bigger. However money is not a issue for them so financially it will have no impact on their existing children.

That would be so hard to hear that your sister is pregnant. Whilst you would be happy for her, you would be sad too. Let the feelings be and it's perfectly ok and normal to feel the way that you do. My close friend is pregnant and in that blissful pregnancy/baby bubble and it is hard to be around. I feel guilty, but I can't help the way that I feel. Big hugs! XX

@Novasmummy

I sometimes feel really sad that I'm done having babies, I have about a million reasons to be done having them (and I am!) yet I still feel sad sometimes. I think it's normal to feel sad, but feelings are just clouds, they eventually pass. We don't have to act on all of them

I love this. You are right, we don't have to act on these feelings.

In your situation I would absolutely not, for all the reasons people have given: the negative impact on your existing DC, the decade and a half of managing preschoolers, etc.

You're having a hormonal reaction. It happens. Your hormones only care about replicating your genes at all cost; they don't give a shit about quality of life and they don't know it's 2021 and we have contraception and don't have like 30% infant mortality any more.

I'd have one if you want another baby and feel able to meet the needs of the new addition. I wouldn't have one if the aim is giving your existing children a new sibling.

Nothing wrong with children sharing rooms but I think it works better when they've shared them for as long as they can remember. Getting to age 6 say with your own room and then having a toddler move in would be a very different experience.

I have similar feelings to you at times. I have an almost 4 and 5 year old. They are amazing, age gap is closer than planned but I now love it as they get more independent.

While there are lots of things about having 3 that I would love, I have decided to stop for the reasons you and @Blueskies3 have mentioned. I love the relationship I have with my children. While they have said they would like a sibling, I know they will not enjoy the divided attention while I care for a baby. I will hate the running around after 2 older children when I have a young baby and it isn't fair to them to cut back. This is all without even considering if baby had health issues or special needs.

I would feel like you if my sister announced she was having no3, I feel a little what if everytime I discover anyone is expecting/has just had a 3rd but deep down, I know it is the right decision to stop.