Super alert baby

[lykfay]

Hey everyone,

I have a 7 month old DD she is my first and she is super alert and very demanding ! She needs constant activity to keep her happy, Shes quite Whiny at times. She can literally hear a pin drop and I’m pretty sure she has eyes in the back of her head. Really nothing gets past her.

She is so stubborn and so strong willed. I’m finding it difficult to wean her. She seemed to start off ok but I think she’s teething and it’s putting her off. She keeps turning her head away all the time.

Since day one she has been quite difficult. When she was born she did the loudest longest cry anyones ever heard. She was quite unsettled as a newborn but I always put that down to her having silent reflux which caused her a lot of discomfort. She’s never liked her mosses basket or cot, she’s always wanted to sleep on me and would always wake up if I tried to put her down. She has been very clingy with me and still is. Only really seems to be happy if she’s being held and bounced around.

I’ve always found it difficult getting out the house with her especially when she was a newborn and being so unsettled all the time.

She answers to her name ( most of the time ), she looks when I point at things, She does socially smile ( even though it’s hard work for the poor person trying to get her to smile ) but she isn’t the most smiley baby I’ve ever seen. I get a couple of smiles a day and that’s it. She laughs ( cough laughs ) again hard work to get her to laugh but I’ve not actually had a belly laugh. She does give eye contact but it’s not amazing. She looks at you and the looks away but she definitely doesn’t avoid it.

She just seemed a lot more smiley and I definitely received more eye contact before she became so alert.

She has hit all her milestones so far except for babbling. She never really did much cooing as a baby but she definitely babbles the only thing is she doesn’t do it very often.

I've struggled with constantly worrying something is wrong with her, all sorts of neurological problems and my latest: autism.

I've spent the past 7 months fighting the way She is, feeling hard done by and honestly not accepting her. I have been in tears most days through exhaustion.

I find it really difficult going out to baby groups as everyone else’s baby is so chilled and content. Seems like they would sit there forever.
I just imagined having a baby so differently.

She isn’t the best sleeper. Tends to catnap in the day and wakes up about 3-4 times in the night but she’s fed to sleep so I think that might be the problem so trying to work on that.

I just wondered if you had a similar baby in the past how they turned out?

I’ll openly admit I’m a whittler and overthink everything but I just can’t shake the feeling that something isn’t right because she seems so different to other babies.

Thanks in advance and thanks for listening to my worries. X

This was my first... Then I figured he was just a tad special (currently 2, 3 in a couple of weeks).

Just wanted to move, constantly into everything, speed crawling because regular crawling wasn't good enough...

Then I had ds2... He's just the damn same 😆. Currently 7 months, been crawling for at least 1, pulling himself up to standing and is up partying all night.

Send help.

My oldest never babbled at all, but said her first word around 9 months and was able to do 3 word sentences by 12 months. She was a bit like your baby by the sound of it - very alert, slightly disconcertingly so, bad with naps, very poor sleeper and quite clingy. My younger child babbled constantly but didn’t speak beyond a point and grunt until nearly 2. She also slept like a log from day one. They both seem fine now.

Oh OP, from your opening post she sounds entirely normal.

My DS was a very high needs baby, a poor sleeper and didn't babble much.
He just turned 2 and is the happiest little guy and is talking loads and really affectionate and clever.

Waking 3 or 4 times is probably the average for this age.

If you think she seems really unsettled, consider ongoing reflux or cmpa.

If she's turning her head away from food she's likely not hungry. At this stage, she's probably getting all she needs from milk so just see the food as a way to introduce flavours and textures. She'll start to eat more when ready.

My first didn't sleep well (understatement). He was overstimulated by baths, screamed when we went swimming, upset by hand dryers etc. He had excellent interactions with adults though. He was such high maintenance I was saying 'I don't think this is normal' and everyone kept saying well meaning things minimising my concerns.
He was later diagnosed ADHD, SPD and dyslexic with ASD traits.
Second was very different- was my easy baby. Speech was a little delayed but still developing. By 3 I was concerned he wasn't like other children but I didn't have a 'average' child to compare to. Again family and friends played down my concerns and it made me feel I was looking for things. Second child was diagnosed on the NHS as autistic aged 6. Differences became much more noticeable as they went through school.
I guess what I'm saying is if you have concerns don't necessarily dismiss them. Most parents of kids with SEN will be able to see signs looking back. However unfortunately sometimes you just have to wait. No one will look to diagnose at 7 months based on what you have said!
I had anxiety in pregnancy and when first was small and I now believe it's in part because I am probably neurodivergent. They get their genes from me after all! Once you get a bit more sleep I think he helps with the anxiety.

If you are anxious, she’ll be anxious - her personality is coming through and a combination of genetics and socialisation will be coming into play. Hyper alert is essentially what anxiety is. You definitely need to parent the child you have and not the one you wish you had! Maybe think back on what causes your over thinking and anxiety and what you wished your parents had done for you and try to provide that for her?

DD1 was like this - had fear of missing out, didn't want to sleep, always checking out what was going on. When she learned to speak the whinging turned into incessant question asking - "Why? What? How?" Now she is 17 she is still very articulate and likes to find out stuff but is actually very calm.
DD2 was the opposite - super chilled and slept ALL the time! I got worried about how much she slept after being used to DD1 - I thought DD2 must have some sort of sleeping sickness! We used to call her the dormouse. She's 15 now and very energetic and actually less calm than DD1.

All babies are different, there's no knowing how your DD will turn out. I do think you need to see your GP for some help with your anxiety though.

Sounds very hard work but completely normal. Sounds just like my first DS - he just seemed to hate being a baby and was such he was such hard work. I hated the first year of his life (until I went back to work!) He was quite volatile as a toddler too and we had our fair share of tantrums - however he’s 4 now and he is the most incredible little boy! He’s calm, never angry, so gentle and I honestly struggle to marry up the baby he was with the boy he is now. I would 100% take the baby stage that bad again to have a kid like this now!

Oh I love replying to these threads! Hopefully I can reassure you a little.

My son was a high needs baby. From a very young age, literally about 6-8 weeks old, he was raring to go every day. Into everything, looking at everything, VERY unhappy unless he was being held, jiggled, bounced, shown something, interacted with etc, it was utterly exhausting. I actually remember once holding him facing a bare white wall because he just wouldn't settle and he was craning his neck around to see what else he could look at

Although ironically baby groups were largely a no go, he didn't like the noise and hubbub

Daytime napping was a fucking nightmare as he would not go down in a cot, couldn't walk with him in the buggy to get him to sleep due to his nosiness. If I dared pull the cover bit down so he couldn't see, all hell would break loose. So daytime napping meant that I had to hold him exclusively for ooh about the first 6-7 months.

Once I finally cracked getting him down for a nap in his cot it had to be PITCH black and quiet, any slight noise would wake him up and send him into a rage. I remember once asking my neighbour if they would mind not washing their car as it would wake him up!!

He was also extremely frustrated at life - always wanting to be 5 steps ahead of what he was actually capable of.

He basically ran me into the ground! I was an absolute mess for the first 18 months. Once he could walk he was happier, he talked very early, we could pretty much have a full conversation with him at 18 months.

The pre school years were tough. he was a complete whirlwind and used to run off at any given opportunity so taking him out was very stressful, but equally I had to get him out of the house every day for my own sanity. He started nursery at 2.5 and I went back to work. He was an absolute demon from the age of 3-4.

However, from the age of 4 he really calmed down and turned a massive corner. Life was immeasurably better for all of us.

He is now 7 and an absolutely wonderful child and not at all like he was at a year old, 2 years old, 3 years old etc!

I think your DD sounds absolutely normal so please try not to worry too much. Just remember everything is a phase, they are evolving and changing all the time. How she is now, is not necessarily how she's going to be in a few months time, a year from now, 2 years from now etc.

Yes it's a long slog but you are really in the thick of it at the moment and time seems to go SO slowly. Having said that, in the blink of an eye she will be at school.

It will be ok OP, just try and enjoy the good bits as they happen and try not to obsess over things that 'may' be wrong with her.

I understand how hard it is OP.
My DD was exactly the same, screamed every car journey, screamed whenever she was in the pram, would never want to be stationary at all, needed cuddling to sleep (she still does get cuddled to sleep and she’s nearly 3)!
I used to go out with other mums and their babies would sit in the pram at 6 months ish and just play with their feet whilst the mum had coffee whereas I had to be stood up holding my DD and bouncing her around to avoid the crying.
It can feel isolating when other people appear to have more content babies but I suppose they are just all individuals.
Since my DD was born one of my friends has had a daughter exactly like mine and many other people do. It’s unfortunate that the other babies you interact with aren’t the same, as it can make you feel as though it’s something you’re doing, or that something is wrong with your DD. I can assure you it does sound normal and although it’s very tough and tiring it does ease off slightly eventually. Sending you a hug!

OP your baby could be picking up on your energy..

My baby had colic/reflux for the first 2 months, screamed constantly but it didn't stop me from going out everyday or going to baby groups alone. And I had never once considered maybe he had autism or that it would affect him in later life. He's was just being a baby, who was uncomfortable. Have you read about the fourth trimester? You're well out of it now but it might help you understand why your baby was the way she was when she was first born.

I really think you need to get some help with your anxiety, you'll have to make time if you feel you don't have any. Could your partner or family member not have her in the evening so you could go to some counselling or could you speak to your GP?

Hey Everyone

Again thank you for taking the time to share your stories. It really does mean such a lot.

I have contacted the doctors about how I feel. Will hear back soon.

I promise you I’m not miserable in front of LO. I always put a big smiley face on. I constantly play games, chat to her and sing to her, walking around the house holding her and bouncing her up and down. I don’t let it effect how I am with her. Obviously I don’t know if she can still sense it or not.

@aveenohands I really didn’t know anxiety could cause autism when you are pregnant. Yes I was anxious on and off when I was pregnant. Had the odd stressful day at work and I had a couple of extra scans as they thought she was small so I worried a bit then but she was fine when they did the scan. This has unsettled me if I’m honest.

@Scoobapro thank you for the hug. I really do need it and so reassuring how your LO is like mine. I too have to stand up and bounce her around to keep her from crying whilst everyone sits down and enjoys their coffee and like you say it’s even harder when no one else you know has a baby similar to yours.

@PerfectPrepPrincess thank you for the reassurance. We have this tickle game where I get a smile and sometimes laughs. We play peekaboo and she smiles. I sing to her loads and she used to smile loads when I did that but seems not to get much attention now although she likes the new songs I sing so maybe she’s bored of the old ones. Whatever I do I tell what I’m doing so I constantly talk to her.

@CasaBonita. Thank you for your message. Really is so reassuring. Like you it’s just so so draining, emotionally and mentally and the lack of sleep doesn’t help things either I suppose.

I could honestly write to you all individually.

I really don’t mean no disrespect to anyone who is Autistic or has children that are. Just that I know it can help tremendously if you catch it early.

Thank you all again.

My eldest was like this. Never had a sleepy newborn phase, so I spent most of the first few months of her life trying to get an overtired baby to nap - and she categorically wouldn’t nap if she could see ANYTHING, so we had to use buggy+Snoozeshade+loud white noise to achieve any daytime sleep.

Lots of things you describe take me right back to my first maternity leave - she would be the one at baby groups getting overstimulated and screaming, I couldn’t just let her ‘play’, she required constant interaction and we had to get a decent amount of fresh air each day to keep the explosions to a minimum. She did 28 minute naps from birth until she started to drop her nap at 18 months - was down to 2 x 28min at 6 months and 1 x 28 mins by 11 months. Slept 6-6 with overnight feeds until she dropped her final nap, but was a nightmare to get her calm enough to switch off. She has never ever in her 3 years of life fallen asleep spontaneously, no matter how ill or exhausted.

Now she’s 3 she’s still high needs in terms of wanting constant conversation all day long, asks questions about everything and finds toys boring unless she has a friend with her. However, nursery have said that she’s very bright, she no longer gets overstimulated and is so so confident around adults, with phenomenal speech for her age. Happily ordered and paid for her own snack at soft play the other day!

All I can say is it’s bloody hard work now, but with a high needs baby each step to independence - especially walking - helps enormously. And, FWIW, DD2 is also very alert and a catnapper, but seems much calmer and less prone to explosions so there’s always hope next time around!

Glad to hear you've got a GP appt. Don't worry about taking antidepressants if they suggest them, they'll do you the world of good in about 3-4 weeks, you'll vote through a little storm of side effects and then wow it's like every day is spring /summer regardless of the weather, you'll wish you had them sooner.

With the laughing, you definitely need to change things up a bit, what made mine laugh initially is "so last week/month" for her all the time 😂 that's kids though! Seriously go crazy mum, it's so much fun, raspberries, Fart noises, silly faces, silly noises Xxx

Oh yes we have one of those!
Now 8. Still high maintenance. Only child. Poor sleeper. But pretty clever. And very funny. It will all work out. Just survive. When they start to talk it's fantastic! We did a bit of makaton too, so we could communicate as soon as possible. She just didn't like being a baby. Hang in there. Try not to compare to chilled out lumps, there is no comparison.

Sounds exactly like my DS, near on identical. I don’t think there is anything wrong with him - like adults there is a spectrum of personalities and some babies are just A LOT more hard work than others. Check this out: www.askdrsears.com/topics/health-concerns/fussy-baby/high-need-baby/12-features-high-need-baby/ sounds like your daughter probably fits this!

DS is 1.5 and he’s bright as a button. Really hard work but delightful in spades. I hated the majority of his first year so, in my experience, it gets better. Good luck.

@SoftSheen

My DD was a bit like this, a very high needs baby who didn't sleep much and wanted to be held all the time, preferably carried about to look at things. However... once she could walk she became the most incredibly easy and well-behaved toddler. She never really had tantrums, enjoyed walking around a supermarket, happy to sit and chat in restaurants... so there is hope!

This is exactly what I came to say. All 3 of mine are like this, at the start I was so frustrated when comparing them to the chill babies. Eventually I stopped comparing.

4 year old is incredibly well behaved and super social these days.

To add to the multiple messages you’ve already received like this, it got a ton better when he could walk and, thank goodness, he appears to be an early and proficient talker, which is helping things improve almost by the day.

OP you can't 'get' autism in utero because of maternal anxiety, autism is genetic.

Anxiety in pregnancy does NOT cause autism so don't worry about that. It's not what a pp meant.

I have two children and both were v v high needs. They're v different children. DD was simply bright and frustrated by being in a baby body. She was talking by 12 months, never napped and was a precocious child. She was the easiest toddler in the world and is a pleasant, sociable, kind, clever teen. DS was high needs but was actually sensitive, prone to anxiety and a bit of a worrier. Still is 10yrs later but he's a thoughtful, curious little boy, just sensitive and has always struggled to be away from me. Both are neurotypical.

My niece is autistic, clear before she was a year old and she is 14 and in a specialist school. She was the easiest baby in the world. Placid, calm, never asked for food or drink, rarely cried. Slept appallingly however and still does. But I mean appallingly. Awake nearly all the time.

I think you are right to seek support for yourself. Your baby sounds like they're on the spectrum of normal behaviours if a little challenging right now. Does the word autism change who a child is? Not really. It's not something to fear or worry about. Your baby simply is who they are and if a neurodivergence is part of their genetic makeup, you'll learn about that as they grow and merely continue being the parent you need to be at each stage.

Are you breastfeeding?

Just checking in to say hi OP. I’m your buddy from the original thread with a similar baby. Watching all these replies (and feeling guilty for having gotten very upset in front of DD on numerous occasions when she wouldn’t sleep and I was so desperate and worried).

Do NOT feel guilty about being tired and worried. Every parent feels that way at times and we all have low points. But you are a good enough mother, not a perfect mother. Welcome to the club. We are legion. In fact, we are where all mothers should aim to be. We are all just doing our best.

My three month old sounds very similar. So alert, doesn't nap and is really difficult to get down for sleep at night. She has gorgeous, lovely
moments when we are playing- but is always close to a meltdown (probably as overtired). This makes me feel really anxious about going out and to baby groups etc. It probably shouldn't, yes babies cry and perhaps this is more about me than baby- but still find it difficult! I can really empathise with your situation.

I've just bought a book called- 'raising your spirited baby' by Dr Mary Kurcinka which I'm finding really helpful. It has lots of suggestions for making things easier for your baby and is very down to earth and realistic. It's also helping me try to reframe my expectations and stop comparing to those sleepy babies!

I wish I had someone nearby who has a similar baby though, wouldn't feel so lonely!

Aww you sound frazzled don't underestimate just how much sleep deprivation can wreck you.

My first was like yours - she couldn't be put down, wouldn't go to anyone but me for at least 9 months & then only DH until over a year. Didn't sleep, would wake on any transfer etc etc

A sling was a lifesaver - no 40 mins trying to get her into a pram just a cuddle with extra fabric & away we'd go.

She's an amazing teen now & she was the trial by fire that made my actual colicky baby seem really easy going

She just didn't like being a baby - the more capable of being independent & expressing herself she got the happier she got.

Hang in there

Before you have a baby , you have all these ideas in your head of how the baby will be, how you will be as a mother, how amazing the father will be, etc. Then you have a baby! The reality is so far from what you thought it would be. Your baby sounds completely normal for a first baby, as in ‘entertain me every single minute or I will scream and I will let you know how disappointing a human you are.’
You sound like you could do with a break and some perspective. Could your baby go to nursery or a childminder for a couple of mornings a week? You are probably still on maternity leave, but that is no reason why , if you can afford it, someone could hold/entertain her for a few hours.
My daughter has one of these high needs first babies, and she reluctantly followed this advice, but it has changed the dynamic for her. Firstly, the nursery find her child delightful and completely normal, she was convinced her baby was on the spectrum and she is also quite anxious and reading stuff constantly, and she got to catch up on some sleep! Just knowing that those two breaks are coming has helped with her anxiety. Sleep deprivation is the worst. Sending you a big hug, you are doing the hardest job and you’re brilliant.