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Original poster

AIBU asking my husband for help?!

29 replies

Lap871 · 03/12/2021 19:40

I have a lot going on…EBF a 4 month old and also have 3 yo at home and older children at school. I’m busy non-stop and I feel like I don’t get any time to myself really. We don’t have any family nearby to help with the children and 2 of our children have some extra needs (1 is non-verbal with significant needs). I’m on maternity leave atm. My husband works 50hours a week, so he is understandably tired. However, since I’ve had the baby, I do everything, all cleaning, all cooking, all washing, all nappy changes, all night feeds, all shopping, bills, organising etc. I’ve recently asked my husband for help with some of the household things as I’m feeling overwhelmed and like I do everything. He says he won’t take on anything until I go back to work and if I do want to give over some of the household stuff then I should go back to work. When I said he could clean up after himself or at least do some household tasks he is irritated and angry. We’ve ended the conversation with me asking what he would do if I just stopped doing everything for him and him responding be saying that he’ll keep his wages separate then.
Should I just be doing everything because I’m on maternity leave?

OP posts:
jupitermars1345 · 03/12/2021 19:45

He sounds horrid

Seafog · 03/12/2021 19:48

Absolutely not, and he sounds like a twonk.
I'd not have any more babies with him, and if he didn't start pulling his weight, I'd go back to work and leave him.
At least if you have separate households you aren't looking after him, and he'd have to do at least some of the child care too .

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 03/12/2021 19:48

If he has such an Important Job he can pay for a cleaner...

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AliveAndSleeping · 03/12/2021 19:55

I don't know how you manage to do so many things..I've got a 4 month old and an older child, and support from family and dh and I still barely manage.

If he works, ie can't see how much you are doing all day long, he probably doesn't realise that a baby needs an insane amount of time. I didn't understand how much before I had kids. I remember wondering why my friend always complained about having zero time..I thought babies sleep most of the time and just need feeding and nappy changing. (Having said that your dh is still a git..as I was back then).

If you can afford it at all a cleaner is definitely a good idea and totally worth their money!!

AegonT · 03/12/2021 19:56

He sounds useless. My husband works, brings work home for evenings and weekends and still does all the cooking, cleaning and most of the laundry. He also shares care of the older child and the cat and does what he can to help with the EBF baby. I clean up after myself and the baby and take the older child to school and activities. I do what laundry I can and cook lunch when he's at work.

MsFrog · 03/12/2021 19:59

I don't know how you are doing all that by yourself. Your husband sounds very selfish and isn't showing much respect for you, I would be very hurt by his behaviour. Flowers

KirstenBlest · 03/12/2021 20:01

YABU. It isn't his help you need, he needs to pull his weight.

flossletsfloss · 03/12/2021 20:02

Good grief! He sounds horrendous. Why are you with him??

TomDaleysCardigan · 03/12/2021 20:03

He's a twat and sounds like he thinks of you as his employee. He'd have to pickup after himself and take care of his children at least alternate weekends if you weren't together 🤷‍♀️

Redannie118 · 03/12/2021 20:06

Hes not just horrible and useless. Hes abusive. Youve asked for help and hes threatened to withhold his wages if you go through. You are not a equal partner, you are hired help.

Quartz2208 · 03/12/2021 20:09

When you are at work does he split it

He sounds horrible and of course he should be helping. Marriage isnt transactional

Grumpsy · 03/12/2021 20:10

I’m sorry but he sounds like a complete twat…

Ftm229 · 03/12/2021 20:24

My god this is awful...I agree he sounds abusive. He can't even clean up after himself? What the fuck...
Do you have any support from friends?

Original poster
Lap871 · 03/12/2021 20:44

I am really angry about it all. He said he will reduce to part time hours to take on some household duties, but I have to go to work when he is off if he does that. In the past, he has worked part-time (2days) while I worked full-time and it was the worst thing! I ended up doing all the household stuff like cleaning, shopping etc and working full time and I ended up going off work sick with stress. When he worked part-time he used to do the school runs, but then play on the Xbox or PlayStation all day, so the thought of him working part time again makes me think it will just add to my stress, not relieve things.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 03/12/2021 21:07

So he would do part time but still none of the stuff

You have a real husband issue

Babdoc · 04/12/2021 09:25

I'm amazed that you stayed with him after the first child, let alone had several more.
I would have divorced the selfish abusive twat of a man child long ago.
So what that he works 50 hours a week, boo hoo. I used to do 100 hours a week as a junior doctor, and still did my fair share of the housework, gardening and diy.
Why am I not surprised that he's a gamer, too - it seems to fit the profile of spoiled teenage manchild.
You are not this man's wife - you're his mummy/housekeeper.

toomuchlaundry · 04/12/2021 09:30

Why do you keep having children with him?

SolasAnla · 04/12/2021 09:36

You need to figure out what financial support you would get if you were a single parent.
Because apart from the financial elements your husband is acting as if you are a single parent and an unpaid housekeeper.

How are your current finances arranged?
What assets do you own separately and as a couple is one of you building up savings disproportionately to the other?

I can't see your relationship continuing long term with you feeling stressed and he treating you as the housekeeper and nanny.

Franca123 · 04/12/2021 09:42

He needs a kick up the backside.

timeisnotaline · 04/12/2021 09:47

I’d start my planning to be single. Then he will have to clean up after himself, and the dc when they visit. Are you on mat leave ie have a job to go back to? Do you have savings, if joint are they accessible?

johnd2 · 04/12/2021 09:53

Sounds awful for you, he sounds like he's more interested in what leverage he has over you rather than how you're feeling and how he can help. That's not team work thats more like hard nosed negotiation. Is your husband a brexit negotiator or something?
Agree with the other posters, i don't think it's necessarily abusive but it's definitely a strong blast from the 1950s that needs to stay there

NowEvenBetter · 04/12/2021 10:49

He threatens you, treats you with utter contempt, doesn’t parent and is financially abusive.

No reason not to divorce him. Can he stop making kids that he doesn’t parent?

NowEvenBetter · 04/12/2021 10:52

Imagine the look of horror on his face when he has to perform basic adult tasks for himself, and parent his kids, alone 😄
Play your part in getting men like this to become extinct.

NerrSnerr · 04/12/2021 10:54

He sounds awful. I would honestly speak to a solicitor next week and start looking into separation.

NerrSnerr · 04/12/2021 10:55

It's not just about him not pulling his weight- it's the fact that he's happy to let his wife- who he is supposed to love, struggle. That's not what a relationship should look like.

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