In-laws friend always there on babysitting day

[SarahNTL]

I rarely argue with my DH however we disagreed yesterday and I'm not sure what the outcome should be. My DH's parents kindly babysit my 1yr old once a week. I don't need babysitting as I work from home, but my MIL insists seeing the baby weekly, and why not enjoy a little break myself.

They recently rekindled with an old friend, who invites himself daily to their home. The first time I heard of this, my DH presented this old friend as a strange character who had gone through a lot, nothing terrible, but not someone you're dying to meet either.

So when I heard that this man had been there all day with my 1yr old, I sort of asked that it be a one time thing and that I would prefer if only my in-laws took care of my DS.

It's now been a month of this happening weekly. This man stays the whole time, and I feel uncomfortable about it.

So I mentioned this again, trying to be more assertive. My DH got very angry about this, as he now claims this man is family and has a great personality, and thinks I'm being totally unreasonable.

I understand that my DH has now remembered the good stuff about this man as he has been seeing him weekly when dropping off and picking up our DS.

I also understand that I'm not there to dictate who my in-laws should invite or not. But I just ask that this man doesn't come on babysitting days until I've at least met him.

My family doesn't have the same dynamic with friends and would reschedule with their friend rather than systematically have someone else with my DS.

Should I let it go and not follow my gut feeling (based on nothing) or listen to my DH who says that if he trusts him then I should too.

Thanks for sharing any comments you might feel is helpful or similar situations.

BoredZelda

If op saying she'd rather her dd didn't go on Mondays, but stayed with her, caused all the drama you describe, op would have a far bigger pil problem, than their old/new friend.

My DS is also 1 and there is no way I’d let him be there all day with someone who had been described as a ‘strange character’. Some may think it would be an overreaction but trust your instincts especially when it comes to your children!

@MrsFoxyplease

" PIL, Is John visiting in Monday? Ok, I'll keep baby home. It's not fair on your visitor or yourselves having baby around taking up your attention. Plus baby doesn't know him and neither do I.". Let me know when it's just you two and I'll bring him round.

This! No discussion, no questions- your prerogative to choose babysitting conditions, theirs to choose visitors.. Dont ignore your instincts, it is worrying that no one can say no to this guy- but you don’t need to get into this conversation.

if op saying she'd rather her dd didn't go on Mondays, but stayed with her, caused all the drama you describe, op would have a far bigger pil problem, than their old/new friend.

What OP is actually saying is, you may no longer look after my child on a weekly basis, the thing you offered to do because you love looking after your grandchild, because I believe you are putting him in harms way from a man I am accusing of being a child abuser despite never having met him or knowing anything about him.

That’s never going to go down well.

I think you should trust your gut. Rarely is a mother's gut instinct wrong about this sort of stuff.

@BoredZelda

Don’t ignore your instinct. Even if based on nothing. Better to be safe than sorry.

Yes, better to alienate your PILs, upset your husband and threaten the relationship between your child and their grand parents, based on absolutely no information, than be sorry.

And this is exactly how abusers get away with it.... because people are scared to offend, or make a fuss....now I'm not saying this man is an abuser but the op should not be shamed for having concerns

OP's instinct is that she needs to know this man, and more about him. That seems perfectly reasonable to me.

It was her husband's comments that put on edge in the first place. Now the husband is being defensive. Indeed, My DH got very angry about this

I don’t understand why everyone is suggesting the man is only there on babysitting day when the OP quite clearly said he’s there daily.
Also I don’t really know how meeting him would help matters, he’s hardly likely to say ‘pleased to meet you, I’m the local nonce’ is he?!
If you trust your in laws then they shouldn’t be leaving your child alone with this man anyway. I think the main issue here is how much you trust them to look after your child properly. I think you run the risk of ruining your relationship with them based on nothing much at all.
I’m another one wondering how you can look after a child properly and work from home!

@BoredZelda

Don’t ignore your instinct. Even if based on nothing. Better to be safe than sorry.

Yes, better to alienate your PILs, upset your husband and threaten the relationship between your child and their grand parents, based on absolutely no information, than be sorry.

The information she had was her husband calling him a weirdo and not someone you would like to meet jeez I wonder why she is on edge sending there child over there

Don't think you're being unreasonable at all

It's not an accusation against the man in question, it's setting the boundary that you don't leave your 1yo (1! Pre verbal, and incapable of judgements) with unknown people unless you have either an exceptionally high level of trust in them, or there are safeguarding systems in place (like a nursery where there's not just DBS but also safeguarding training for everyone who works there, CCTV, other trained grown ups who can notice if something's off, etc).

He might be lovely, he might be a paragon of virtue, he might be someone your PILs would vouch for (though how could they if they've been out of touch for a long tome...?). Doesn't matter: the boundary is clear.

By the by, Mary Harrington on Twitter did a thread the other day asking for the age women had been subjected to a sexual advance and by whom, for the first time. The replies were staggering. The one that stayed with me was the magician who groped a young girl after inviting her up on stage in front of an audience. The audience couldn't see. Bet people would have called parents who didn't want to send their child up on stage over the top, too.

BoredZelda

Why are you so invested in convincing the OP to continue to allow a strange man - one who seemingly comes around only on days the child is there and only started daily visiting when the child began to spend time there - to spend time with her small child?

"What OP is actually saying is, you may no longer look after my child on a weekly basis, the thing you offered to do because you love looking after your grandchild, because I believe you are putting him in harms way from a man I am accusing of being a child abuser despite never having met him or knowing anything about him."

Why would op need to say any of that, when this man could, in reality, be practically a Saint? There are various valid reasons, she could give her dh. She could offer to host pil for dinners on Monday night instead, they can put their feet up and have some quality time with dd. If fil and friend are in a shed the whole time, mil is being left alone to care for dd, fil might not be getting to see dd, which doesn't seem fair either. Could this potentially be a chance for mil to go do something she enjoys? If she gets bored or lonely, could she visit you and dd for a while, whenever suits best instead? If fil and friend leave her to it, maybe she's a bit lonely as it is, 1 year olds aren't exactly great at conversation, (they are excellent at listening though, to be fair). One is still very young, and I think it's normal to let go a bit, once they're a bit older/past the toddler stage.

@Bagelsandbrie

Is he only there for literally the day they have your child? Or does he come on other days / times as well?? If he’s only interested in being there when your child is there that’s the time alarm bells should ring.

This would be my question.

You dont know this man so on the basis it would be a no. The inlaws should not be bringing some bloke you dont know into there babysitting arrangement. It is just all very uncomfortable.

A pop in visit when your DC happens to be there is one thing but to now be part of the baby sitting arrangement would raise flags for me. Abusers arent obvious and groom the family around them. we dont know what his history is but you just need to read the stories where families didnt realise. Have you ever sat and watched him interact with your DC? It is just odd the whole thing

@MrsFoxyplease

" PIL, Is John visiting in Monday? Ok, I'll keep baby home. It's not fair on your visitor or yourselves having baby around taking up your attention. Plus baby doesn't know him and neither do I.". Let me know when it's just you two and I'll bring him round.

This!

If he is there the whole then are pil changing nappies in front of him, you need to ask those questions. I would end the arrangement, it's only a matter of time before pil are too comfortable with them and say can you watch dc whilst I nip the loo etc and opportunities present

Could you arrange baby to visit on another day? If the friend breaks the pattern (eg usually visits on a Monday but changes to a Friday when baby comes to visit) then I would be really suspicious.

Trust your gut. He sound like he has charmed you DH.

I agree OP. I don’t know why other people don’t think it’s at least reasonable to feel a little comfortable with your child spending a whole day a week with a complete stranger? And yes I’ve read the post and know baby isn’t alone with the stranger. I’d be uncomfortable with it.