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Original poster

In-laws friend always there on babysitting day

94 replies

SarahNTL · 02/12/2021 08:48

I rarely argue with my DH however we disagreed yesterday and I'm not sure what the outcome should be. My DH's parents kindly babysit my 1yr old once a week. I don't need babysitting as I work from home, but my MIL insists seeing the baby weekly, and why not enjoy a little break myself.

They recently rekindled with an old friend, who invites himself daily to their home. The first time I heard of this, my DH presented this old friend as a strange character who had gone through a lot, nothing terrible, but not someone you're dying to meet either.

So when I heard that this man had been there all day with my 1yr old, I sort of asked that it be a one time thing and that I would prefer if only my in-laws took care of my DS.

It's now been a month of this happening weekly. This man stays the whole time, and I feel uncomfortable about it.

So I mentioned this again, trying to be more assertive. My DH got very angry about this, as he now claims this man is family and has a great personality, and thinks I'm being totally unreasonable.

I understand that my DH has now remembered the good stuff about this man as he has been seeing him weekly when dropping off and picking up our DS.

I also understand that I'm not there to dictate who my in-laws should invite or not. But I just ask that this man doesn't come on babysitting days until I've at least met him.

My family doesn't have the same dynamic with friends and would reschedule with their friend rather than systematically have someone else with my DS.

Should I let it go and not follow my gut feeling (based on nothing) or listen to my DH who says that if he trusts him then I should too.

Thanks for sharing any comments you might feel is helpful or similar situations.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SoItWas · 02/12/2021 09:32

" PIL, Is John visiting in Monday?
Ok, I'll keep baby home. It's not fair on your visitor or yourselves having baby around taking up your attention. Plus baby doesn't know him and neither do I.".
Let me know when it's just you two and I'll bring him round.

^This. True in itself, and will give you peace of mind.

BoredZelda · 02/12/2021 09:34

Many women and mothers deeply regret ignoring their instincts.

And many women do not. And many tie themselves in knots about their “instincts” when actually they are acting on a ridiculous prejudice with very little to go on.

OP has been very vague about this man but for sure she wants us all to think he’s a paedophile. Then next time we all come across a person we don’t like, who might be a little strange, we can all feel our “instincts” are spot on and think the same about them.

gamerchick · 02/12/2021 09:34

Is he there daily or just when your kids there?

Go and meet him. Do a couple of drop offs or pick ups.

Personally if its bothering you that much then speak to your in-laws if your husband's not on side and if they don't play ball then invite them to see kid at yours instead.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds Families General parenting

girlmom21 · 02/12/2021 09:35

If you don't trust your in laws to care for your child don't let them have him.

If you do, let it go.

NewmummyJ · 02/12/2021 09:36

Nothing wrong with safeguarding your child. Better to over react than under react. I may be biased by my work in safeguarding, but you can't be too careful IMO.

SpindlesWinterWhorl · 02/12/2021 09:36

Look, OP, you haven't met this bloke, your suspicions were originally put in your mind by your own husband, and you don't need the babysitting. And now your husband has met this bloke and suddenly he's a top fella? Has he been 'charmed'?

Don't your PiLs mind this person sitting in their house all day? What do they all do?? And when you say he's a 'rekindled friend' - had there previously been a falling out, and for what?

DuckDuckNo · 02/12/2021 09:36

@RockinHorseShit

YABVU, your DH is right

Would you have the same misgivings if this man were a woman?!

If the answer is no, you need to have a serious word with yourself as to why you think anyone with a dick is a paedo

Statistics?

NuffSaidSam · 02/12/2021 09:39

It depends what he's doing when he is there.

Is he actively hanging out with the baby? Or is it more that MIL coos over the baby while FIL and friend potter about doing something else.

It sounds to me like they've made this arrangement (coming on the same day) so FIL has someone to play with while MIL is with the baby.

If the man is actively involved with the baby then I would want to meet him.

BoredZelda · 02/12/2021 09:39

Statistics?

In which case the difference in risk goes from extremely unlikely to very unlikely. But the consequence is the same.

SoItWas · 02/12/2021 09:41

I think, if someone has a private worry, and there's a discreet way of alleviating that worry, without causing anyone else any worry, they should be proactive.

Op doesn't have to share her worries, but she can end them simply, by not having dd round this man, who's pil friend, and presumably won't miss having a one year old there, when he's seeing his friends. If she wants to facilitate gp's seeing dd, she can invite them but not their friend round to hers.

ittakes2 · 02/12/2021 09:43

If it was me I would take a day off and suggest you all catch up for lunch together and check him out.
As an aside I am not sure what job you do that allows you to work from home and look after a 1yr old as you said you did not need the baby sitting.

BoredZelda · 02/12/2021 09:44

Nothing wrong with safeguarding your child. Better to over react than under react. I may be biased by my work in safeguarding, but you can't be too careful IMO.

Over reacting is never letting your child be with another adult ever, just in case. In this situation the risk is of causing a huge rift and damaging you and your child’s relationship with their grandparents when you have no actual basis for your “instincts” (fuelled by posts like this where people trip over themselves to remind you every man is just waiting to abuse your child)

That is not better than gathering proper, actual information and making an appropriate risk assessment before you damage relationships by overreacting.

Viviennemary · 02/12/2021 09:44

Iunderstand your concern. Sounds like you woukd be better arranging paid child care for your baby under the circumstances.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 02/12/2021 09:45

I wouldn’t be comfortable with this either OP.

TheCanyon · 02/12/2021 09:46

Look after your own child if it's such a massive problem.

pinkyredrose · 02/12/2021 09:47

The first time I heard of this, my DH presented this old friend as a strange character who had gone through a lot, nothing terrible, but not someone you're dying to meet either

What on earth do you mean by this? YABVU.

HeidiHaus · 02/12/2021 09:48

Ah yes, just read that friend invites himself every day. All day, every day?
Maybe he struggles a bit with boundaries which maybe why your DH originally described him as a bit 'strange'? I'd want to meet anyone who was spending extended time with my child so I would arrange that next if possible. Then make a decision.

flashbac · 02/12/2021 09:48

@Bellevu

Saying you don't need childcare for a 1 year old when working from home is exactly why bosses are clamping down on home workers and demanding pointless check ins.

You cannot work from home with a 1 year old (unless working for yourself where productivity and deadlines are your problem).

This is what I was thinking!

SoItWas · 02/12/2021 09:53

"That is not better than gathering proper, actual information and making an appropriate risk assessment".

When there's a lack of clear information, what do you do? Assume no info means no risk? Or use the info you do have, to assess the situation?

As it is, this man is technically a recent friend of the pil's. If he's not the man dh remembers him to be, he's probably not the same man the pil knew either, so they don't really know him, as he is now?

Op, do you know how long the break in the friendship was, and what happened?

Rangoon · 02/12/2021 09:53

This is very weird - a man who was a former friend who has now rekindled the friendship and who now invites himself daily to their home. What was he doing in the interim? Why go from estranged to daily visits. You husband's initial description was hardly confidence inspiring either. The friend might be odd but perfectly harmless. He might not be harmless though and I would not be risking my baby possibly being alone with a man I'd never met who is constantly loitering around the place. Despite what you husband said he is not family. I wouldn't make any unfounded accusations but make alternative arrangements. Hopefully they might fall out again soon.

drpet49 · 02/12/2021 09:56

* Seems a bit odd that this person is visiting weekly and that every week that visit coincides with your baby being there. Also seems a bit odd that someone would stay all day when they are seeing someone every week. If a friend of mine was having a granddaughter day I would visit on another day so I could have a nice time with her without interruptions and without invading her time with small person.*

^I agree. Also doesn’t your PIL want to spend time with their Grandchild without their friend present all the time?

Rangoon · 02/12/2021 09:57

Might be worth goggling the friend's name. Be aware though that there are many people with the same name. I had quite a turn when I thought an ex had murdered his wife and child. It was a completely different man with the same not very common name.

BoredZelda · 02/12/2021 09:58

You cannot work from home with a 1 year old (unless working for yourself where productivity and deadlines are your problem).

You cannot do it. You have no idea whether OP can do it or not.

When my daughter was that age, I did a 4 day week. Inevitably, my boss piled on the work and I ended up working the day I was supposed to be off. In the end I agreed to a 5 day week with one day working from home. Never missed a single deadline. There are 14 waking hours in my day. As long as I work 7 of them, it doesn’t matter when they are. My daughter was still on 2 naps a day at that point and those naps were 2 hours each. If there was a day when my work was time critical, I found childcare for her but that was rare.

My daughter is 12 now, so WFH with her here works fine, but as an example, I worked from 8am to 9pm last night with very little down time so today I’m off to tesco to do the big shop I was going to do yesterday. That’s a couple of hours away from my desk. Not all jobs are 9-5

christmaskittenincoming · 02/12/2021 09:59

How can you work from home and look after your baby? Are you self employed?

Comedycook · 02/12/2021 10:00

I would not be at all happy with this particularly if he only visits when he knows your DC is there. Listen to your instincts

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