Grandparents only wanting to see DS alone?

[DottieP89]

This is going to be fairly long, so I do apologise.

So, we recently tried to reconcile with my estranged PILs after going no contact when my DS was a couple of months old.

We thought that we could try and reconcile as I couldn't imagine not speaking to my DF. we invited them round to talk about what they did that upset us and boundaries we had.

I told them that they wouldn't be seeing DS alone until we felt comfortable. He's less than a year old, breastfed, they haven't seen him since he was 1 month old so they're strangers to him and to be honest, I don't want my son left alone with them after how they were to DP and I.(I've still not left him myself yet) but I told them they were more than welcome to come by our house to visit and we could visit them. They took huge offence and told me they only wanted to see DS at their house, without us being there. I understand GP's want alone time with their GC but every single time? It's made me feel a bit creeped out.

I'm a FTM so I'm not sure what the norm is but is this what you do with your DC and GP visits?

No that’s not the norm. In fact it’s downright weird

The fact that you went NC with them for issues involving boundries, gave them an olive branch, invited them over, discussed your boundries and they have taken exception and wish to push it speaks volumes.

Either remain NC or very LC and only on your terms.

Best to stay NC then .

They took huge offence and told me they only wanted to see DS at their house, without us being there

Well they won't be seeing him then will they?

Tell them you understand and will therefore not intrude further on their time.

It doesn't sound as though anything has changed - whatever they did before, this is now a very odd attitude, wanting to have DGS to themselves. Small babies and children usually visit with their parents for quite a while before they are able to be left for short periods with other people.

Trust your instincts where your baby is concerned. No grandparent has an absolute right to see/visit/have unsupervised time with their grandchild. Trust has to be built and everyone needs to feel comfortable with the arrangement. You may never feel ready for it, and that is OK. How does DH feel about it all?

No contact sounds like the best option. They want control and you don't get that as a grandparent.

That decides the NC then. There is no way they have earned the right to have your child unsupervised, you opened the house door to them and they tried to drive a 4WD through it. Message: ‘We regret you have chosen no contact with your grandson. Our son is an amazing little boy.’

They sound incredibly childish.
They don't want to see you but expect you'll be fine with them looking after your son.
No chance.
As he gets older they'll be saying all-sorts about you OP.
You come as a family. Or they don't see him at all.

DD’s grandparents see her alone, and did at that age. But if they insisted they only ever wanted to see her at their house, without us there, it wouldn’t be happening.
Your PILs don’t get to dictate that anyway, but certainly not with a child who doesn’t know them. They clearly have no concern for how he’ll feel being dropped off and left with strangers.

Nope, it’s not normal at all, and it doesn’t matter if it was normal for everyone else - in your circumstances you’re not comfortable with it and that’s all you need to know. Sounds like the initial instinct to go non contact was the right one and it was a mistake to try to open things up again - honestly I’d leave it up to your DH now, the fact you couldn’t imagine not speaking to your own father is neither here nor there. This is your husbands relationship with his own parents and it sounds like it’s caused him a lot of hurt so if he wants to cut contact I’d just let him. Clearly they are not ready to respect boundaries or make any amends so I’m not sure what can be gained at this point.

Hold the boundary, just say ‘well that won’t be happening sorry’ and let them react however they’re going to react. I’d leave your son out of it altogether for a long time yet to be honest - see if there’s anything can be salvaged between your DH and them before getting your child involved.

They’re not the parent, they can’t demand any access rights as to how they see their grandson! You’re doing THEM a favour by offering to let them see him.
Tell them to do one, they can see him on your terms or not at all!

That's ridiculous and strange, they are putting their one desires over your child's. They must realise that your DS could become destressed as he doesn't know them why would they put him through that unnecessarily?

Think about if you were a grandparent would you behave in that way? I know I wouldn't care about alone time children usually come as a package with their parents especially when young.

As kids get older it might be nice for grandparents to take them out somewhere alone especially if they have siblings but only if it was something they'd enjoy as well.

I actually giggled when they said that because I thought that they must be joking, surely?

We went NC for many reasons. They said horrible things when I was pregnant, after he was born, very controlling, manipulative, selfish. Upset DP so bad he needed counselling. I was the first person to confront them about their behaviour and refused to let them manipulate me and they didn't like it and that's when I decided it was best DS didn't grow up thinking that behaviour was normal. Naively, I thought after all that time they'd realised their ways needed to change and would apologise and adhere to our boundaries but that wasn't to be.

DP also finds it very strange and thinks it's because they get full control that way. I think they made it very clear we need to stay NC.

Thanks all

Very odd , I’m a DGP to 11 and would never in a million years demand time alone , especially with one so little. Get those boundaries set in stone 💐

This sets my warning alarm off. It's creepy and not normal. There is no reason in the world that could justify them excluding you from the visit. Say no and mean it.

Not normal imo and personally no way would I be agreeing to this even if on good terms with the grandparents!

Sod that OP. Congratulations on your lovely baby.

I will just add, it wasn't me that suggested the reconciliation.

DP asked me if we could talk to them. As much as they upset him they are still his parents and I understand it's not so easy to have NC with them. It is his choice what relationship he has with them but after our chat he has said that he sees there will be no change and it was a mistake to try.

You need to stay NC or at the least VLC.

This behaviour should be showing you that nothing has changed.

My children don’t have relationships with people who don’t want a relationship with me. How rude and unsafe and utterly confusing for the child. Tell them you understand but dc won’t be able to see them if that’s the case.

Sorry cross posted with your latest update!

My parents are lovely and amazing but have never had DD (2) alone. I’d do it in an emergency but otherwise no.
NC definitely, they are batshit.

I did ask why and they said it was to "bond". I just said that if they felt they couldn't bond with their GS with his parents there, then there was something wrong on their part

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

The fact that you went NC with them for issues involving boundries, gave them an olive branch, invited them over, discussed your boundries and they have taken exception and wish to push it speaks volumes.

Either remain NC or very LC and only on your terms.

This.

Well, I read the title and thought 'no way',
but opened the thread out of interest.
My answer is still 'no way'.
YANBU.