Kids who don’t follow the crowd

[Twounderfive83]

Does anyone else have a non-conforming child?

My DS (5) has always been one to not follow the crowd - he has never enjoyed organised activities unless it’s of specific interest to him, doesn’t join in group singing, and doesn’t like “forced fun” like most fancy dress days at school. He has close friends and he does show an interest in what they like, but he would never, for example, play football which is something he has no interest in, just because everyone else does.

Full disclosure, I suspect he has ADHD or is possibly on the spectrum.

But my DH is like this by all accounts, so I’m wondering if it could be a personality thing?

I don't know that it's specifically a neurodivergence thing. One of my diagnosed dc (ASD) is like this. But another is on the ASD pathway, and is a 'joiner' who throws themself wholeheartedly into group activities.

Perhaps it is ASD in that you have the self-contained individual who does not need external validation, and the extremely uncertain individual who constantly seeks to fit in.

Or perhaps that is just... personality

That’s interesting!

My DS wants to be liked so I wouldn’t say he’s self contained, and “follows the crowd” on his own terms…but it’s his terms! He’s definitely a non-conformist.

Did you always suspect your DC were ND?

DS16 is NT and had always been like this. No interest in football, sports and no real friends at primary as none of them really into what he was (and he absolutely refused point blank to compromise to fit in). Refused to sing etc in school plays, not cos he was scared just didn't want to. His was one form entry at primary so just accepted he was only bod like him. Always been v comfortable with adults.

Found his 'tribe' at secondary and now has loads of similarly 'quirky' friends at sixth form.

In his case nothing to do with being ND and everything you do with personality. So I wouldn't be making assumptions based on this alone.

Ds13 was like this at primary - has tried to fit in more at secondary but is still fundamentally his own person and doesn’t really share his real passions with his friends - on the whole he is happy and that’s really all I worry about

That’s very interesting @LefttoherownDevizes. I worry about my DS a lot, whereas my DH doesn’t - and he finds it easy not to, because he claims to have been just like this as a child. He sounds very like your DS, although I know he had friends at primary, but was also happy to play alone. I don’t remember much from my childhood so I find it difficult to compare.

Quirky, yes my DS can definitely be quirky! He’s got three good friends at school, the two boys he’s close to, one is also a bit quirky. And the other is a bit wild! DS isn’t friends with the rest of the bigger group of boys though and doesn’t seem interested in being their friend, although he’s happy to chat with them if he’s sat next to them.

@Earwigworries thanks for telling me about your DS too. I’m all for a teenager who doesn’t follow the crowd…!

I have been like your son all my life. I’m sixty. As far as I am aware, I don’t have AHAD or am on the “spectrum”. Whatever that means.

I just don’t like to be organised by other people. It’s how I am.

I love kids like this :). you're a lucky mum

My DS is like this. He's nearly 12 and NT. They recently had lessons at school about peer pressure and he came home and told me what a waste of time he thought it was.

DD is like this. She has ADHD and doesn't give a shit what anyone thinks of her or if she fits in. She's almost 8 now, and although she has plenty of friends she doesn't follow the crowd. My latest example is her insistence that on own clothes day she's going to school dressed as a donkey.
I've given up trying to argue with her so she's going to school dressed as a donkey.

On the other hand DS2 is autistic and does whatever he can to fit in. He's nowhere near as quirky as his big sister. He doesn't have many friends though, only 2 children in his class. He tries so hard to be like the other children, playing football, talking about cars and bikes bit it's just not him and I think they all see that. He prefers rugby to football has zero interest in cars or riding his bike and loves to spend time drawing and colouring and reenacting scenes from paw patrol.
I have told him he doesn't need to pretend so people will like him, that if they don't like him for who he is its their loss but he just wants to be liked bless him. I'm hoping he'll grow out of that as he gets older, but as I'm also autistic (and ADHD) I know the feeling of wanting to be "normal" and like everyone else.

My son was like yours at Primary. Definitely quirkier than most his age and non conformist.
I tried not to worry, but often did. I just wanted everyone to see the lovely boy I saw and I suppose ' be popular' , whatever that means.
He never compromised himself or followed the crowd.
Found his people at Secondary. Loads of friends and very well liked , finally valued for his honesty and integrity I think. Became very independent very early. Not afraid to travel by himself or join groups he is interested in by himself. Is self motivated and doesn't rely on others to make him happy.
Any how, is now in his first year at Oxford studying Law and has made loads of friends and fits in really well.
I like the sound of your son very much.

Thanks you for your replies everyone.

@HerRoyalHappiness your DD sounds fantastic, I absolutely love the donkey idea! Your DS also sounds wonderful, and how difficult for you that he tries to follow the crowd at the cost of his own interests. I hope he still colours and draws at home at least.

@defaulttodippy your DS also sounds fantastic! My own sibling was like that and definitely found their crowd at secondary. You must be so proud he’s at Oxford!!

As a side note this isn’t the only reason I suspect my DS is neurodiverse, he can be (low level) disruptive at school and his concentration on things that don’t interest him is non existent. He’s clever, but rushes any school work to move on to something he wants to do. He doesn’t conform at school in that he hates to sit on the carpet and recite phonics etc, and is always wandering off when he’s meant to be following his class. I love him dearly but I’m struggling with his refusal to conform to this type of thing at school as his teacher expects him to do what she asks immediately, so he’s getting a name for himself.

We've just discovered that myself and my three kids are autistic and ADHD.

We've never 'followed the crowd'
We've never understood why anyone would want to.

@Twounderfive83

Does anyone else have a non-conforming child?

My DS (5) has always been one to not follow the crowd - he has never enjoyed organised activities unless it’s of specific interest to him, doesn’t join in group singing, and doesn’t like “forced fun” like most fancy dress days at school. He has close friends and he does show an interest in what they like, but he would never, for example, play football which is something he has no interest in, just because everyone else does.

Full disclosure, I suspect he has ADHD or is possibly on the spectrum.

But my DH is like this by all accounts, so I’m wondering if it could be a personality thing?

Yes I think this is a personality thing. I have family with ADHD and if anything they care too much about others interests. I do think regardless of why he’s so uninterested in other people you need to teach him he needs to be interested on some level in order to keep friendships as he’s older.

Wow @SupremeCommanderTrinityRhino! What made you decide to seek a diagnosis for all of you?

@Ozanj yes of course, it’s not so much that he’s disinterested in other people, but I think he’s a bit of a party pooper! I’m sure it’s all from an insecurity/anxiety/possibly sensory issue…

*I’m sure it might be, that’s supposed to say.

@Twounderfive83 years and years of being failed by schools etc. Constantly thinking were just useless people and then suddenly a family support worker said how much support are you getting for the children's autism?
And I said Huh? Noone has ever said they might be autistic.
She was shocked and could not understand why it hasn't been picked up on before. That we are all female probs doesn't help. Also their dad dying when they were so young didn't help. Everything has been pinned on that and noone looked further.
It's been a huge awakening and makes so much sense

Ds2 is a non-follower. Very clear in what he likes and doesn’t like, and asserts himself at home and in school. He doesn’t do any organised extra curriculars (unlike his sports mad older brother.) He’s into Pokémon and Lego. He has friends with similar interests but doesn’t feel the need to join in other things they do that he’s not into, like footie or cycling. He’s stubborn, though, and resists learning other milestone skills, like swimming or ball games. He has an incredibly rich inner life, and likes drawing and writing, and playing with his teddies. He’d refuse point blank to do a school play, and has been known to mime dramatically in choir if he hates a song. He is not neurodivergent, and he’s very bright, according to his teacher, with top marks in maths and literacy. He’s 7 and just marches (or not) to a different drum.

@SupremeCommanderTrinityRhino I bet. I hope it’s helped you all make a bit more sense of life now? I can’t believe that though, but at the same time I can. I have found since my DS started Y1 that I get told absolutely nothing by his teacher, we had a 10 minutes parents’ evening in October and she didn’t mention anything of concern. I felt his YR teacher was a lot more communicative but again she barely mentioned anything that would make me think, hang on, maybe something’s not quite right here. So as much as it’s shocking, I can believe it got to that point for you all. So sorry about your DP

@SarahDippity your DS sounds a lot like mine, except mine has a naughty streak too. I can imagine him resisting milestone skills, although he learned to ride his bike very young and loves his swimming lessons, but that’s because both of those things are of interest to him. He would resist ball skills as he doesn’t like football.

Your DS sounds fab. The miming dramatically to a song has made me chuckle. My DS is also bright, he rushes his work though to get it done.

@essaytwenty

I have been like your son all my life. I’m sixty. As far as I am aware, I don’t have AHAD or am on the “spectrum”. Whatever that means.

I just don’t like to be organised by other people. It’s how I am.

"Whatever that means"? Don't be so fucking disparaging.

DS2's always been like this. He's 14 now and found his people in secondary school, the nerdy but crazy crowd.

@Twounderfive83 DS2 absolutely still colours and draws at home. He loves it. I'm just sad he tries so hard to fit in. I hope he'll see his sister not caring and gain confidence from her.

Sounds like my cat, who is lovely.

A cautionary note from bitter experience- remember that people change.

I had my eldest son pegged as one who went his own way, but found out that he was bullied in year 8 and 9, tried desperately to fit in, floundered, and has had his self-confidence permanently damaged by that.

I played a part, because I was always so proud of him for going his own way that he was somehow ashamed to come to me for help. He had a lot of trouble admitting that other people didn't like 'his way' and that he actually wanted desperately to be more 'normal'. When it came down to it, he wanted to fit in and to have friends, to know how to talk about football and to have the right trainers (even though he had no idea how to identify the 'right trainers').

Both my teen children are like this, both highly intelligent. Incidentally we also have other family members who have ASD.
They won't do organised activities through choice, they have never asked for "toys" preferring very specific niche items as gifts . Never had a game console etc. Adverts never influenced them in any way.
They laugh at/ resist my suggestions for extra curricular activities as if I am mad. They are geeky and creative and at primary school age would experiment and make contraptions out of anything they found around the house garage. They were never interested in showing others outside of the family their creations. Possibly because they realised that other children didn't play in the same way?
They are happy and I'm super proud of them and try my best to let them be themselves without intervening. I think it's important however to remember that while encouraging them to make their own decisions, do what is right for them etc, you don't inadvertently portray others in a negative light. Encouraging them does not mean putting down children who choose/ enjoy mainstream activities, prefer to fit in more. Everybody should be free to pursue what makes them happy/ feel good whatever that may be.

Mines the same.

He does have asd.

He's not unhappy. What makes him unhappy is other people putting pressure on him to be something he isn't social wise.

He gets plenty of interaction with others through college and swimming (he's in e,it's swimming). He has no interest outside of this in socialising more.

He's happy. That's what matters.